Some days I want to get better. Some days I want to stop cutting white powder into sections and ruining my life with each inhale of it, but I know that no matter how hard I try, all the years worth of pills and powder crushed into my brain won’t go away. I’ll just run right back to it the minute things get hard. The minute I think of my boyfriends death. The minute I remember my mother packing her bags and leaving, and even surprisingly enough, the minute I realize I have a 50 page essay on the affects of the Soviet Union due in 3 hours. All of it, it’s all enough to set me off. Some days I really do want to quit, quit stealing stuff from my dad in order to get money, or even stealing from my friends when the urge to get high really hits. But like I mentioned earlier, it always comes back, it’s my demon.

Day 1 of senior year -

“Lev?” “Here.” I reply in a stern voice to the new nervous looking proffesor. He’s cute, about 25, long blonde hair tucked behind his ear on one side and hanging lazily on the other. I shake my head at the intrusive thoughts rioting in my mind as to get rid of them. “Snap back, come on Lev, Just get through the day.” I tell myself, I would be a lot happier if I knew I had my drugs to come home to, but I’m low on money since I lost my job at the school cafe for “being rude to customers” whatever that means. So instead of focusing, I spend the day thinking about how to get my drugs, how I will stay away from reality. But my drug dealer,Aawut, he stopped selling to me weeks ago, said he wasn’t putting up with my gay bulls$h!t. I mean, how can I resist a 6 foot 6 beauty who I talked to practically everyday? He had come all the way from Thailand just to be with his stupid girlfriend 😩. I thought maybe in a way I could have him for myself, but never in eternity would it happen. He was straight and 34 years old. Before he stopped selling to me, he said these words I remember exactly. “ look kid… I see you falling apart from what I’m giving you, while you do help my income, I know this is dirty money and I don’t want it. I also happen to think that you are too thirsty. You need to chill on all the pickup lines and start focusing on your life, I truly want what’s best for you Lev, but I’m sorry, I’m not interested. Good luck.” His words hurt, but even to this day I still think about him, my major crush on him still exists but I’m too upset with him, all I needed was my drugs and now I’d have to find someone new. Someone hopefully less hot.

Lunch break- 12:07pm.

I jumped up from my seat as the bell rang for lunch. My head was heavy and I couldn’t see clearly. Ever since Aawut had left me, I’ve been going through withdrawals and being at school made it ten times harder. As I walk down the stairs everyone passes me and it’s all a blur. It’s like someone is controlling my body and I’m just watching from the sky, completely disacosiated. Most days I skip lunch, I just hang out in the bathroom, but today I need fresh air so im going outside. As I push the doors open and head down the steps, someone pushes me down and I fall almost 5 meters to the ground. I winse in pain, but a tall dark shadow covers me. The next thing I know, a rough and Callased hand is pulling me up and dragging my quickly to the back of the school where no one goes. For a reason. It all happens to fast and once we stop I finally open my eyes. A tall man, maybe a few inches shorter than Aawut stands over me, he’s got dirty blonde hair, freshly cut on the sides and messy on the top, his face is smooth and shaved, he wears a black trench coat and high combat boots with khaki pants. “ who- who are you?” I ask, shocked by this random encounter. “ names Maxim.” He says, with a slight smile, revealing his perfectly white vampire fang teeth. No way. This can’t be. It hits me, this is Russias most wanted drug dealer and he’s standing right in front of me. AT MY SCHOOL. WHAT?!?! “ what do you want from me?…” I ask concerned. I’m more scared than I am appalled by his stunning appearance. I’ve only seen him a million times on several wanted posters. “Aawut gave me your info, he said you’re interested in the rich people drug huh?” He smiles, I can feel myself blush. God he’s so cute. “Cocaine yes…” “ what a shame, you young people really are messing your lives up.” His smile fades. And for the first time in a long time I feel a little guilty. “ you know Aawut?” “Of course I do, he said he doesn’t want to be involved in your purchases, but he felt bad for leaving, so he told me about a possible customer. Listen Lev, I am a man of business and id be happy to offer you some deals. I am also looking for an assistant, I’ll offer you a discount in exchange for helping me out.” I gulp. This is happening so fast and I’m not sure what to say. Do I help him? A discount sounds auwfully nice, but he’s on the run and wanted. I mean… I have nothing else to loose. I nod, breathing heavily. “ I’ll do it.” I say desperately. And he pulls me off the ground.

Saturday morning 6:22am

My eyes drift open to the blaring alarm on my phone, it’s already late, I was supposed to be up half an hour ago.

I reach to turn off the alarm but quickly realize setting one was a mistake as I become aware of the pounding of boots against the apartments delicate wooden floors. Dads up.

See the thing about my dad is that he was a good person not so long ago. He worked at a bank, made a solid income, and never laid hands on Alcohol. Said it was a bad thing to get yourself into. He preeched all that until about 3 years ago. I had Just turned 15 and that was the year I found out how great drugs made me feel.

That was the year I met Aawut, that was also the year my mom left for another man. It was the year my dad started fighting with her. It was the year my dad started his alcohol rage.

It was the year my sister started sneaking out. It was the year… my mom finally left. Rough year hm..

Ever since then, my dad spent all of our family savings on vodka and beer. He spent me and my sisters college funds on it as well. But couldn’t care less, I live in the moment, not the future. Some days he fights, some days he is a happy drunk. You’ll never win though so I’ve stopped trying. My dad, Kishlaklak Yargoslav, is one of Moscows hottest men in my opinion, but all this drinking makes his face looked aged, and he’s losing that six pack he once had…

Oh and maybe I forgot to mention, he didn’t mind my mom leaving because HE IS SO GAY. He doesn’t mind people knowing, he’s kind of Just let his life go. Crazy confession but I’d totally date him if he weren’t my dad and such a loser…

(Back to the present)

The thud of his heavy drunk self makes it’s way to my room and he shoves the door open. “Alarm? Where do you think you’re going?” I would be scared of going out this early but anything to get away from Kishlak doesn’t bother me. “To meet a friend.” I grunt under my breath as I grab an oversized T shirt from the laundry pile. “ OoOh who is she?” He laughs sarcastically out loud. and I can smell the stentch of Vodka from across the room.

“ Kishlak, you know I’m gay.” I say, side eyeing him.

“Oh right I almost forgot!” He laughs, a little too loudly. “Why do you call me by my name son, why not Dad?”

“I’m not calling you dad, you don’t deserve it after all you’ve done.”

“Oh poor me 😂” he laughs again and I’m getting annoyed because I can tell he genuinely doesn’t feel guilty.

“But seriously.. I don’t give a sh!t if you’re hooking up with guys or girls, or doing drugs… don’t think you fool me I know what you spend your money on these days. The point is, I don’t care, be free all you want, just don’t die haha.”

“KISHLAK GET OUT OF MY ROOM!”

I run at him and pin him against the wall. And say…

“You ****3d up my life so bad and now you’re going to stay out of it you cyka.” I glare at him as he pants nervously, the smell of hard liquore invades my nose. I throw him on the ground and head for the door. Not bothering to look back.

The sunrise looks peaceful, it contrasts with the falling apart flats of the “dangerous end of Moscow”

The weather is still warm since fall hasn’t hit yet. Well at least for Russia it’s warm, it’s 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

Now maybe I should explain… I’m out early to meet Maksim, he promised me discounts in exchange for being his “assistant” whatever that means. He wanted to go for a drive and discuss business matters. But secretly a small small small part of me hopes we aren’t just discussing business matters. But COME ON its way too early for that and I just met him. Maybe Aawut was right, I’m too thirsty…

A shady looking van pulls up and I get a glimpse of Maksims crisp dirty blonde hair. No ones out this early so I think it’s safe to meet the countries most wanted drug dealer… god that sounds awful.

He doesn’t say anything I just hop in. Maybe this is a bad idea… but he’s so hot, I wouldn’t mind getting kidnapped by him to be honest.

“Hey” I whisper as he presses the gas pedal quickly as to not get caught. “How’s it going Lev?” “ it’s good I guess, withdrawals aren’t great you know”

“Oh about that… I have something for you, consider it a welcome gift.” He hands me a small plastic bag filled with that familiar white powder. I open my eyes wide like a crazy person and pull out my credit card quickly. “Спасибо!!!!” (Thank you).

I do my usual ritual of the drug and it feels so good, like a lost memory coming back to me. After I take one hit I decide this is unprofessional and pack the plastic bag into my pocket.

My mind is hazy but it feels great, for once I’m finally calm.

“Gosh, you really are desperate Lev.” He says, without looking at me, his beautiful green eyes are focused on the road and I have no idea where we are going but in the moment all I can think about is him.

In a way he reminds me of Aawut… they are both equally handsome, despite being completely different but I’m hoping maybe Maksim could help me move on from Aawut.

“So… what business were you talking about?” I ask curiously.

“Oh yeah, nothing much I just wanted to go over some boring job descriptions, like what you’ll be doing and all.”

Feeling a little disappointed, I feel a quick jolt in my heart as he pulls into a parking lot. Maybe this is going somewhere?

He pulls the break and looks me in the eye… he reaches his hand onto my cheek and tells me… “ you aren’t even 18 yet, one more month… but when I say assistant, I think maybe you could assist me with the business, and maybe… just maybe if you’re okay with it, romantically as well?”

Holy sh!t… there’s no way this wanted criminal, this HOT wanted criminal is asking me to assist him romantically which by the way I have no freaking idea what that means. I’m blushing hard and I can almost see the expression my face is making. What do I do? Say yes? I mean… why wouldn’t I? Wait… I had no idea he was even gay… what is happening?? 😭

“I umm.. I? Uhhhhhhhhh” I don’t know what else to say, no words come out… and then he does something I thought could only happen in my mind.

His lips meet mine and he raps his arms around me.. he smells like expensive cologne and I decide to just indulge in the moment. For now, he’s the only thing on my mind.