" HAPPINESS", the word itself seems so farther away for a person like me. Is it because I really haven't felt it , who knows...Is happiness something that brings your face a smile or the fullness that you feel in your heart as its about to burst out . If its so, I do indeed have felt those kinds of feelings but its temporary and what I really need is a kind of happiness that makes me full and content about life and not a life that feels so empty and dull.

People usually ask me , what my future goal is or my future ambition ...."TO BE HAPPY" that was my reply but I find it so hard to acquire even though I was able to feel it at certain moments.

I guess my name "Hope" might be the reason as to why I still haven't given up on finding it and would continue to try and acquire at least a few glimpses of happiness.

I was born in a typical go-to family, where alongside my parents, I have two younger sisters.  I think since my teenage ages my parents tend to fight a lot and it has become a familiar sight in our household. Even my younger sisters who use to cry and get scared easily are now familiar with doing their own work despite our parents fighting. My mother is a uptown city girl who married a countryside boy and even though It's seems as a typical love story ..their different views towards life had made them fight a lot. But it would be rude or ungrateful of me to say that they had neglected me and my sisters...they indeed tries their utmost best to give us everything and I'm truly grateful for their love and care....but marriage , that particular concept became a thing I no longer believe and in my mind I believe it to be a hindrance for my future goal of finding Happiness.

When talking about my relationship with my parents, I guess they see me as the eldest daughter who holds responsibility within the household and its related matters. They never actually asked me to take any responsibility but I guess its an instinct I had and now I'm entwined in it and there seems to be no escape.

My sisters never bothered with any household activities as they believed that it was my job as the eldest and thus they were never pressured and was able to enjoy their youth happily without any pressure or stress.

Being an eldest daughter who didn't want to trouble their parents, expecting to be the best in household matters and also studies in order to pay their sacrifices in upbringing despite their fights ....all these responsibilities made me a person without any big dreams and the only thing that mattered to me is to be able lead a simple life in happiness. I guess from the start my goal was happiness as my life was dull and gloomy.

As I wasn't able to enjoy my typical teen life, I didn't have any friends and as I'm introverted who always keeps my thoughts to myself, my only comfort were books and music. During my senior days, I did have friends but my position as a friend was " A friend to all" which typically means everyone liked me as I was that one friend who would help others but as even the great philosophers say "A friend to all is a friend to none" and so even if I'm surrounded by friends I didn't belong to any of those typical friend groups... Rather than jealously while seeing friend groups having their own thing may it be parties, events , movies and secret talks about crushes , I pitied myself because deep inside I knew I wouldn't be able to be in these kind of friend groups and have those experiences.

Moving forward with the relationship between me and my sisters, its the typical love-hate relationship between siblings but as my parents always sees me as a perfect daughter figure, this had caused a huge negative impact on my sibling relationship and they look at me as a hindrance in their life due to the continuous comparing between me and them by my parents.

I would be lying if I said that I don't feel proud during those moments of comparing because these are those simple glimpses of happiness that I feel and of course feel worthy of life because I feel as if I had at least achieve something.

Time passed by and I became one of those people who shows the world their smile as if nothing is wrong while I felt everything was messed up inside of me. I was an outcast within my own house because I never shared my feelings but just quietly did my assigned responsibilities and it seemed as if I didn't know any of the happenings of my family as they didn't know mine. This became normal for me and I accepted my life despite my efforts of aiming for happiness.

The particular saying that says "Life is full of mysteries and surprises",  I started to believe it later on as my normal life, it changed drastically with me being selected to collage and I had to start anew with the moving away and temporarily lodging and yes....

this is where my story starts and my journey begins for seeking happiness...will it be worth it or will life continue to prove me wrong....lets see  for ourselves, shall we?

" S-O-S-O-S-O, right now

Every day, we're fightin'

A silent war we never wanted

Come on, right now

People keep on dyin'

When the world is killin' you, yeah"

Music indeed makes everything better...it's like a virtual hug specially now, when I need one so desperately. Who knew that on my 21st birthday, I will be cast away from home. I do know that the word cast away might be a bit extreme but seriously I feel so bad that I get to spend my birthday all alone in an unknown destination in an unknown city.

I mean my birthdays are normally lonely and I rarely get a cake or a present due to our family financial crisis but at least I am with my family. Right now according my father who's actually driving me to my college hostel justifies this act as been independent right on your 21st birthday.

My phone is flooded with many birthday wishes from friends as of course I hold a status of being everyone's friend and some of these wishes might even be considered as guilty wishes as some so-called friends of mine  normally lose contact with me right after they got my help. None of these wishes makes my heart full , rather it feels more empty and heavy.

"Look Hope, it's the beach !!" My mother who has also joined to drop me pointed towards the beach that we were passing right now on our way to the hostel. There it is again, the heaviness in my heart...I am a person who keeps things to one's self but most recently I felt the need to celebrate my 21st birthday on a beach but as I am used to not asking anything from my parents, I kept it to myself.

"They wouldn't be having anytime to do anything even if I had asked" I thought to myself and signed. " What's with the big sign?" My dad asked from me while checking on me on the front view mirror of the car.

"Nothing, just tired as it's nearly getting dark" I said while looking at the beach that's still been passed by us. The sea breeze really makes you feel calm and free,I closed my eyes to enjoy the breeze a bit but as usual was interrupted by my parents.

" I told you numerous times that we should leave early but look at the time right now ? no wonder that hope feels tried" My father started to nag my mother while my mother rolled her eyes. "Here we go again" I thought to myself and made the volume of my headphones go even higher, so that I don't want to hear their quarrels. See...this is why I rarely speak , one word would make my parents lose their  cool just like now.

It's almost 7.00 in the evening when we finally got into the hostel. It is indeed a big building with white painted all over it. It has this luxurious look  with it's three stories and of course it should be by looking at the fees...My parents insisted that I must stay here, because they want me to be comfortable and they also insist staying in this place because of the good security. I really can't understand them, they do love me a lot but I guess the thing that they lack is comprehending me, the real me and not the me that they had build in their minds.

Anyways the fees of this particular hostel made me feel burden and a sense of responsibility rushed within me as to do my best in my college studies as well.

" Well then darling, this is it. Your father took everything up to your room and according to your matron ..the rest of your roommates will be coming tomorrow." My mom hugged me while telling me the information and rules that i have to follow while staying here. "Okay then, everything is settled there and you only have to unpack your things Hope...why don't we go now as it's getting late" My father walked towards us and then gave me a kiss on the forehead. " Okay guys..then see you soon and be careful on your way home", I hugged them once again and went upstairs to find my room , while my parents got on the car and drove away.

There it is again...the heaviness in my heart...I signed and took out my key to the room of 301, the room where I will be staying for at least four years. The room is quite spacious with an attached bathroom, there are two bunk beds for four people apparently. I chose the upper bed as then I would have at least a little bit of privacy because who knows what kind of room mates I would have. I started to unpack but the unfamiliarity and the loneliness that I keep feeling started to get worse that I had a severe headache. Great!!! I thought to myself as I finally laid down on my bed. The door to the balcony of my room was made with glass and so the moonlight had come through the glass and on to my face. I smiled and it might be the first time that I genuinely  smiled today.

From tomorrow onward I will be starting a new life and I truly hope that I would be happy, can I finally find happiness with the start of my new life , I hope so ...with that humble yet hopeful wish, I closed my eyes letting my heavy feelings finally submerge in to sleep. "Happy Birthday Hope Peyton" I whispered to myself and finally darkness crept over me which indicated that I finally was asleep.

"Thud..Thud..Thud..", I was awaken by the banging of my room's door and as soon as I opened my eyes, it actually took me a few seconds to get familiar with my surroundings. " Right...I'm in my hostel room" I thought and finally got up to open the door. "Wait ...are they the new roommates ?? I can't go like this ...I just woke up!!" I started to panic and then again due to the continuous banging, I decided to open the door despite my sleepy appearance.

"Good Morning child, I'm your matron and as I didn't get a chance to talk with you today , I wanted to introduce myself to you, If you have any problems ..I will be downstairs in my room, your other roommates will be arriving soon and I think it's better if you clean up your self quickly child " the woman who was talking to me right now , who identifies herself as my matron was at least in her mid 40s and has an average height with a plump body. The way she speaks shows that she has a strict personality but yet a hint of gentleness could be seen as well.. I introduced myself as Hope and then gently closed the door after responding to her comments.

I opened the balcony door and let the cold air pass through me,it is refreshing in a way to be in a new environment..if I was at home right now , I would definitely be helping my mother cook and wash dishes or help my father clean the gardens. Suddenly a thought was struck in my mind, "are they missing me?"

I walked towards my bed and then grabbed my phone.."hmm no calls at all," I signed...

"Doesn't matter , lets get ready to meet my new roommates, dear god , please let them be easy to deal with." I prayed while walking towards the bathroom.

After cleaning myself up, I took a seat on the near by table which might be placed for our study purposes, College will be starting tomorrow and until then it seems as if I have nothing to do. "Whoa!! so this is how someone feels when they are no longer bound with chores and responsibilities I guess" I thought to myself while smiling slightly.

But it indeed feels weird and so in the end I thought of doing some revising on French, the degree that I am hoping to enroll in at college.

"J’ai la flemme..." yup..this french text represents by mood right now, I'm really lazy after just a few minutes of studying. In the end I started to listen to some music which is my escape from reality...these days I'm actually interested in this Korean boy band called Seventeen and their songs are so addicting and some of their songs makes me feel so overwhelmed. but enjoying my music was suddenly interrupted by the banging on the door.

" Thud...Thud..Thud..."  the second banging on my door within this day indicates the arrival of my roommates, I'm sure of it. "You got this Hope!!" I told myself while checking my reflection..I really don't believe in first impressions but right now I'm trying to look my very best and give them a good impression as I have to live with them for the rest of my college life. I opened the door to find a middle-aged man and I had to blink several times in order to see whether I'm dreaming or not...yes, It's definitely a man. "Hello, You must be one of the roommates right? I'm the uncle of one of your roommates and if you don't mind dear, help me with these stuff that I'm carrying " the man said for which I immediately got in to action and helped him with the suitcases...these might be the belongings of one of my roommates, I thought to myself...Next I was greeted by two women and then another man , it seems as if two of my roommates were coming and while these people were arranging the room with those said-roommates belongings, I was called by one of the women outside.

"Hello darling, you must be one of the roommates who will be sharing this room with my daughter and of course with my friend's daughter as well, I hope you all can get along well and be friends..let me introduce my daughter and her friend, both of them will be staying with you and it seems , one is still missing right?" the women who's talking to me right now looked very kind and gentle and her tone had made me think so, but along her speech, I suddenly felt nervous and sad because I got to know that the two room mates who came today are already friends...good for them but will they need me as a friend if they have each other already..."stop overthinking Hope" ....I told myself and  finally nod my head as a response to the woman and let her introduce me to my new roommates.

" Hello, I'm Amanda," the first girl greeted me and I assume she is that woman's daughter, she looks friendly and she looks really pretty with her fair skin and average body. she had long blonde hair and it seems that she dresses modestly considering her outfit which includes a long crimson dress with puffed sleeves. The girl behind her is short in height, actually she might be near to my upper hip in height considering my height ...I'm taller than most girls my age and I'm not complaining about it . Moving on, this girl along side her short height looks like a Chinese doll, she got fair skin but has long curly black hair. She was wearing one of those Maxi dresses...okay now I get it , my two roommates are surely from the countryside suburbs..anyways they are so PRETTY!!

"Hey, I'm Hope"I said while smiling at each one of them, "Nice to meet you Hope, this is Emma and don't misunderstand her..she rarely speaks and when we become more comfortable she would speak with us " Amanda said while side-hugging Emma. I smiled at Emma once again and replied,"no worries, take your time".

"okay, everything is settled here girls" the man who introduced himself as the uncle just arrived then .."Thank you uncle "said Amanda, which made me realize that it was Amanda's uncle.

Almost an hour passed for my roommates to say good-bye to their parents and relatives , for which I looked at them through the balcony. They had come by a van and right now Amanda's mother is crying while Emma's parents were hugging..I felt a bit jealous when I saw this sight, it is heart-warming but at the same time made me pity myself as I didn't get such a reaction from my parents ..who now that I realize hasn't still called to check upon me.

"Oh..they are leaving finally" I thought to myself when I saw the van finally existing from my point of view in the balcony.

I could now hear the footsteps of my roommates who are climbing over the stairs in order to reach our room. "Get ready Hope, it's time to mingle with your roommates, you got this .." I mentally prepared myself and awaited for their return.