What is life? Does my existence itself proves that I'm alive? Why am I alive? What is my purpose of living? It's really had to keep going like this in life that has no purpose, hope, desire or anything that makes a person to believe in its life. What's the point in living when I'm breaking and crumbling day by day? Each and every passing moment is as painful as thousands of glass shards are piercing through my heart. It's so suffocating that my days are breathless while nights are sleepless.

Guilt and regret never leaves you alone. Does it? But what is my fault? Why am I the only one trapped in guilt, when clearly that was not my fault? For how long should I suffer? Even after a decade I can't put that incident behind.

With a lump in my throat and lost in my thoughts I wrote down:

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry cause I'm useless. Everyone hates me. Even after years I couldn't become a perfect daughter for you mom and dad. I tried to act like one, but I can't act anymore. I'm really exhausted. I'm ashamed of myself. I wish I was never born. You deserved a much better child than me. I hope you get a child that you deserve in your next life. It's okay if you forget me after I leave cause Alain will definitely take care of you. I won't say I love you to you cause I don't really love you like I used to. But please stay healthy and happy.

-Your Amelia."

It's 1:30AM now and I finished my last letter for them and put it on the nightstand. Now I can finally leave without any worries. Now a bottle of sleeping pills with a glass of vodka will do the work.

Pfft- a faint smile escaped from my mouth while I swallowed all those pills with vodka and realized that I kept living for nothing. I can't cry even when I want to because all my tears have dried up. How did I kept living until now and what made me keep going, I wondered and lied down on my bed.

"How long are you going to stand there and stare at me Sam?"

My eyes turned at the familiar figure standing at the door of my room. I smiled and somehow I felt relieved that at least he is here for me; even at my last moments. Looking back, he was always there for me, at my best and at my worst, he is the best person I've ever met in my life. He is my angel, my love, my golden retriever, my little firefly in my dark abyss; he is my everything in my life.

"Why are you doing this? Is this how it ends? he asked in a trembling voice as he knelt down beside my bed and held my hand.

His deep ocean blue eyes reflected an immense amount of pain and sadness, they were moist. His dark hair is messy and lips are dry. His face was a bit pale. Despite his disheveled appearance, he is still handsome as ever.

"You're right this how it ends. This is how it ends for us. We can never be together, Sam. As for why I'm doing this who knows better than you and Zen? I'm quite selfish, am not I? But for once I want to be selfish. I want to rest and I'm completely exhausted to..." I stop speaking because I was too tired to explain anything and even if tried to explain it will end up with me shouting. But Sam is the last person in world I will ever scream at. So, I simply turned my head to the other side, unable to look in his moist eyes.

"You once said that, you will keep living for me, for us. Now that you are giving up on your life means that you no longer care about me, you don't care about us anymore. After walking so long when you are about to escape from this nightmare; you are quitting? You promised me and Zen that you'll be with us forever. Is this your forever? Why are you..."

"Shh-" I turn around and place my index finger on his lips to silence him. Though he was quiet but the words he wanted to say made their way through his eyes. His dripping tears conveyed each and every words he wanted to say. I sat up and leaned to wipe his tears. He stood up and sat on my bed. He suddenly hugged me so tight as if there was no tomorrow. Oh wretches! That's right there is no tomorrow for us.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I felt a gentle kiss on my forehead. I look up to see his face but he hugs me again and whispers;

"Alright, if this is your final decision then I will happily stay with you till the end. I'm not gonna listen to you anymore. That's it. Please rely on me for once, Amy, for one last time. I'm not asking for more, am I?"

His melancholic tone is what makes me miserable. I gave in. He leaned on the bedpost and I rested my head on his sturdy chest. His long slender fingers slowly ran through my untied hair. Neither he said anything nor did I. Silently in his warm embrace, I peacefully closed my eyes; hoping that I can meet him for real in my next life. 'I wish you were real.' With the last statement in my inner monologue drowsiness takes over my consciousness.

How long are you going to lie like this? Please wake up Amy. We’re all waiting for you to wake up. Everyone here is worried about you.”

I heard a familiar voice. My eyes won’t open. My head feels heavy and my throat is completely dry. I can’t even talk. Is this a side effect of alcohol? I lay still completely motionless. Wait, I'm alive? But why? I was certain that alcohol intoxication would definitely work. But why am I alive. What went wrong? Did someone took me hospital?

I slowly tried to lift my fingers. Then I heard someone shouting— “… please call Dr. Preston and tell him Amelia is awake.”

When I opened my eyes I saw Zen sitting beside me looking worried and exhausted. He looked like he didn’t got any sleep for days. I tried to sit up but my body was not moving. He put his arm behind my back and slowly tried to make me sit.

“Are you alright? How are you feeling? Can you talk? Do you need something?” He suddenly showered me with a series of questions. I chuckled. I don’t know why I kind of feel relief by seeing him.

“Slow down, Zen. Ask me one by one or how else I’m going to answer all of them? “First of all I’m alright. It’s just that my throat is dry. I don’t need anything… Lastly tell me what day is it today?  Why are you beside me? And why everyone here can see and talk to you?’’ While asking the last question I lowered my voice a bit as I didn’t wanted anyone to think that I’m crazy or something.

“It's 18th of August, 20XX and you’re 27 this year. You have been hospitalized for almost a week because your car had a break failure and it crashed into another car. But you sustained more serious injuries along with head injury.” Wait a minute, what does it mean that I’m hospitalized because of an accident instead of alcohol intoxication. And why am I, 27 years old aren’t I suppose to be 23 years old? What happened after I lost consciousness that night? What is it, that I’m missing out?

I snapped out of it when he spoke, “But what did you meant by your last question I didn’t get it. It’s not like I’m invisible or something that people can’t see me—”  His words were interrupted by a panting man standing at the door of my room.

“Amelia are you all right? How do you feel? Can you talk? Are you hurt anywhere? Do you need something?”

Again he asked same series of questions that Zen had asked earlier. Out of nowhere Zen handed me a glass of water and said, “Are you stupid or something Obviously she is not well and that’s why you were called.”

“Well  now move, I have to check on her. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. Would you like to step out, Mr. Rodrick?”, Samuel asked Zen with a polite smile but it sure was an annoying cheeky smile.

“I’ll come back shortly after your checkup, Amy. Your nasty attitude can be fixed but your stupidity is forever, Dr. Preston.”, Zen replied grinning without any care and left the room.

He sighed. “Finally some peace. Alright now do you feel pain anywhere, Amy? Or is there anything unusual?” He asked me with such a calm and gentle voice that it felt like my heart stopped beating for a second. He looked breathtaking under the golden rays of sun as if he was an angel down from heaven. If someone stares intently they can see a halo over his head.

“Amy? Are you alright? Why are you zoning out?; he questioned while moving his hand in front of my face. His question cleared my mind that was full of thoughts about him. Damn I almost forgot to ask what was going on and why am I here and many other things.

“Yeah, I’m alright. But Samuel you know everything about me, right? I asked in a dead serious tone. He simply nodded his head in answer. “Tell me what happened after I lost consciousness that night? Why everyone here can see you and Zen? And how come I’m suddenly 27 years old?’’

He looks at me with surprised look on his face and frantically calls someone and tells them to prepare for a MRI and CT scan and some other tests. His voice goes week as he replied, “Amy you’re not alright! I guess you have amnesia. But don’t worry I have a friend who’s a specialist in neurology. He will definitely help us.”

His concern towards me is fine but somehow I was irritated by his actions. “Will you calm down a bit, I said I’m fine Samuel. Can you answer my questions with a bit seriousness? What happened after I tried to unalive myself that night? Did anyone came and took me hospital? How come I am suddenly 27? How can you communicate with anyone other than me? Ugh! I don’t know if there is something wrong me or everyone is crazy.”

He gently held both of my hands and said calmly, “See this is why I said you may have some internal injuries or hurt your head slightly and got amnesia. You never tried to commit suicide, you were hospitalized because of a car accident and before your accident you were 27. It’s not like you are the only I can talk to, so I can talk to everybody and there is nothing wrong about it. Also there is nothing wrong with you, you are just shocked and hurt yourself in the accident. Don’t worry dealing with amnesia is not impossible. You can always recover, don’t stress out too much we are all here for you, Amy.”

After finishing his sentence he hugged me and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. “Calm down, Amy. Get some rest and I have informed Alain about you, so he’s on his way. I have to get going as I have some unfinished rounds to complete. I’ll come again after my shift ends. Good bye.”, he said and left the room.

I kept staring at the ceiling blankly. I don't understand a damn thing going on here. My up mind is a complete mess. But one thing that I'm certain that suddenly becoming 27 is not going to make me want to live. I don't care about a damn thing. I just want to die. Death seems so beautiful and tranquil. I won't deny that I love Sam and I should live for him. But I love death more than Sam. This time I'll not wait for death to embrace me slowly rather I'll run towards it and embrace it myself.

I sat up and pulled out my IV drip. It hurt a little as blood kept flowing out but it was less painful than the pain I was feeling inside. Blood dripping from my arm was the evidence that I'm still alive. And I can die again. No matter how many chances I get, I'll gladly choose death without blinking eyes.

I opened the door and started walking towards the elevator. Finding elevator was not that hard as it was just at the end of the hallway. I got into it and pressed for the top most floor however it didn't led me into the terrace. But I found staircases, walking forward led me into the wide open terrace. The night view was spectacular. All the billboards with different advertisement, the city glowing with lights everywhere, the moon shining brightly above me and the cool night breeze gently touching me was so peaceful that it made forget everything for a while. Yet I was clear headed about why I came up here. I climbed up on the parapet wall of the terrace. Looking down I realized how high the hospital building was and I'll not fail this time. I was so relieved that I can finally rest. I took a step forward.

"Are you out of your mind, Amy?", someone shouted and grabbed my hand and pulled me down abruptly. I fell on them and they hugged me tightly. One of their hand was on my waist while other was on the back of my head that buried my face between their head and shoulder, it was as if they were trying to protect me. When I tried to get up they hugged even tightly and whispered in a deep cold voice, "Stay still, Amy."

This time I recognized his voice. He was none other than Sam. "Sam, I..." I don't know why I tried to explain him but he cut me off in the middle and said, "Shh. Stay still and don't speak a damn word". His voice was as cold as ice. Crap! He is angry. What do I do? I should have jumped right. No wait, before this time Sam never tried to stop me from dying but why now? He shouldn't have interfered this time either. Again I forgot, that everything is not same here as it used to be. That explains why he was able to stop me.

After sometime he moved his hands from me, so I took the chance to get up. There was dead silence between us when we stood up. I glanced at him when he warped his coat around my shoulders but his face had a cold expression that I have never seen. I lowered my head down and I was starring at the floor. Then he took out a handkerchief from his pocket and tightly wrapped it on my bleeding arm. I gasped and quickly wrapped my arms around his neck as he suddenly lifted me in bridal carry. A cold shiver ran down my body as I felt his hot breath against my skin when he came closer to my ears and whispered in a bold voice, "I forbid you from doing such things again; I forbid you from leaving me behind; don't you ******* try it again."

It's my first time seeing him so angry. He continued walking out of the terrace, then got into elevator pressed the number for my floor. The position in which he was carrying me was so awkward that I wanted to get down but whenever I tried to move a little he would hold me even more tightly than before. Maybe it was his own way to say me that he's not going to put me down and I should stay still. I took on the signs and stayed still until we reached my room. He opened the door, walked in and gently put me down on my bed, he also put a pillow behind me to support my sitting. My room was totally dark not a single light was on; yet the moonlight coming through the window made the room atleast visible.

He sat beside me and whispered slowly into my ears, "I'm going to kiss you right now right here, you have three seconds to push me away, Amy. 'three' " Wait wh-what did he say? "Two" Ugh! I can't think straight. "and one". After completing his last words he didn't hold back. He put one of his hand on the back of my head and other on my back then slowly pulled me towards him. I closed my eyes as he crashed his lips on mine. My heart skipped a beat at the very moment and I felt something was dropping down my stomach. His lips were warm and tasted like coffee. His kiss was gentle yet fierce. His tongue slowly devouring each corner of my mouth melted me as if I was a pile of snow melting on the arrival of spring. I gave in. I gave up each and every resistance I had against him and followed his lead quietly. I put my hand on his chest; his heart was beating violently. I see he's also feeling nervous.

Now I don't remember anything that happened a while ago. I just know that Sam is in front of me and the ecstasy he is making me feel, I never felt that before. After several minutes he slowly let go maybe he noticed that I was struggling with breathing and could no longer keep up with him. He was staring deep into my eyes.

"What must I do to in order to keep you by side? Why are you doing this to me? You were very lucky enough to survive an accident like that. But you want end your life by tossing aside everyone's feelings and emotion. Did you ever imagined what would happen to all the people who love and care for you? What about me then? What about us?", his voice broke at the last sentence.

I hung my head down; unable to answer any of his question. Suddenly he grabbed my shoulders with his strong hands and said, "If you want to ruin everything by ending your life then I shall gladly ruin you as well as myself. I'll ruin you so bad that you'll think that living together with me is your salvation. I'll never let you go and we shall live together in this ruined world."