Jungguk stared into Namil’s eyes as the car's brake lights lit up the sky around them, the cold winter air stung his eyes but he blocked the force of the car's impact with his whole body. All he could think about was how he needed to protect Namil.

No that was wrong if he were going to protect Namil he never should have brought him here in the first place. Then… Maybe.. Then.

Namil closed his eyes and Jungguk shut his too as they rolled out of the way of the car’s hood.

Jungguk opened his eyes, the tree boughs above him stretched into the night sky and in that moment he felt very small. Like an ant clinging desperately to what it wanted. He was that ant clinging tightly to Namil. From what he could tell it wasn't a hard hit, just enough to knock him and Namil off his feet. But his body ached. He couldn't imagine what it would have been like if it hadn't been a tiny little car and had been something larger.

The car pulled to a stop and the driver got out.

“Yah! You idiots, watch where you are going! Who fights in the streets like pigs. You could have killed someone.” Jungguk stood up, not putting his full weight on his one leg. But he didn't even give the guy a second thought, his eyes were fixed tightly to Namil. Hoping that since he was the one who had been hit that Namil would be alright.

“Sorry.” He yelled back. The guy growled angrily then got back into his car and drove away.

Namil stared. His eyes filled with worry.

Jungguk wiped the blood from his lips and chuckled, trying to laugh off the situation before offering out a hand to his friend.

Namil glared at him and hit it away, and he stood up on his own then dusted himself off.

“Was finding out what's going on between Professor MyungKi and I worth it? We could have died! Did you have to stop me in the street just to throw a hissy fit? Am I your property? Do You need to know what I am doing at all times?” Namil snapped.

“Yeah, yeah I do. Who said you could ditch me for some pervert.” Jungguk snapped. The leaves rustled in the wind, causing Jungguk to shiver lightly. summer was just about to start but until then the air was still a bit chilly.

Jungguk blinked as the sound of Namil’s hand hitting his flesh echoed into his own ears. And the force of the slap made his head spin to the left.

Maybe it’s because he was less than human and it reminded him of himself. But that professor had made Jungguk feel. Well he was feeling like he was a maniac. So Namil asking if he was crazy wasn’t too far off.

Or maybe he was overreacting and it was the stinging ring in his ear as the blood dripped down Jungguk’s forehead that made him feel like tonight he couldn’t let this go. He had seen them with his own two eyes in the parking lot. That bastard. He he had almost kisse..t

Jungguk licked his lips and bit the corner of his mouth where the blood had just started to scab. The blood dripped again and he licked it. The metallic tang stinging the back of his throat as he swallowed.

“Why do you care? I am my own person. What does it matter what I do?” Namil asked, nodding his head almost vibrating with anger.

Jungguk scratched the nape of his neck. The tingling power made him lose his composure and smirk.

“Yeah, yeah you are.” He snapped.

“Yah are you smiling right now? Do you think this is funny?”

Namil asked. Wiping away the blood from his nose.

“Yes, it’s fun.” He agreed angrily.

“Why did you let him touch you! Why did you let him put his hands all over you? That perverted asshole!.. Namil you, you are…”

“Hey, you crazy bastard. What do you think you are doing? “You could have killed us just now over something so stupid and you think it was fun?” Namil snapped.

“Mhmm,” He said as laughter bubbled past his words and twisted his face into a maniacal little half smile. He felt like he was losing his mind. He wanted to scream into the night how unfair this was. 'He had simply meant to ask him if he knew what he was doing, kissing a guy almost twice his age. But Namil was right. Why the hell did that matter to him? He didn't even have the right to ask such a question. He was just his best friend. And yet. He had never felt more insane than the moment he saw that, that... asshole put his hands on Namil. "Namil doesn't like that!" he had wanted to punch him and tell him to get lost. But he didn't know if Namil wanted it. They were about to go to Uni. It was very possible Namil did want a kiss. Maybe he liked Professor MyungKi. But that thought. That thought is what had made him lose it. He can't like him. He can't...'

“Solhyun was right about you. I never should have stayed here.” Namil said as he wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand then spit out the little bit from his bloodied lip.

Jungguk felt the anger boil up inside him. It didn’t matter how much they fought like cats and dogs, in the end Namil would always say sorry then so would he and they would let it go. Something so small and silly couldn’t wreck their relationship. ‘But he wished he hadn’t stayed? What?’ Jungguk grabbed his friend and pushed his forearm across his chest slamming him into the paved wall behind him.

“You wish you had never stayed with me? You regret it?” Jungguk asked, while staring deeply into Namil’s eyes. The silence stretched between them and Namil looked down at his lips before looking back up to Jungguk’s eyes.

Jungguk followed that deep and resonating gaze that always felt like he was being skinned alive. The gaze he craved for, that judgement and adjudication all encompassed into one, a gaze that made him feel human again. The love in Namil’s eyes that always stayed there no matter how vile or screwed up the rest of the world thought he was.

But the love wasn’t there and the gaze only lasted a second before it too, flitted away. Like a lingering memory he couldn’t replace.

His lip trembled and the pain that twinged downwards was a bearable reminder of his choice tonight.

“You really want to leave me?” Jungguk asked again.

Namil stared into his eyes, tears welling up inside of them an echo of his own that sat at the corner of his.

‘Ah there it is, that look of love. You love me, we have been together for four years, there is nothing without us together, you can’t leave me, Namil.’ He thought.

“Yes. I’ve had enough of your lies, of your one man show. It always has to be what you decide Jungguk! You never ask me, you just always assume that I will have your back. When are you going to stop being so childish?” Namil snapped, raising his voice angrily.

“You always have my back.” Jungguk whispered.

Namil sniffled and lifted a hand to wipe away his own tears. Then easily pushed Jungguk’s arm off him.

“Yeah, yeah I do. It’s just sad you don’t know what that means anymore. Don’t talk to me ever again Jungguk I'm done. I'm not your stupid possession Jungguk.” Namil said, then turned and walked off. Jungguk stood staring after him. His heart pounding into his ears, and the sorrow sinking into his gut.

“Namil!” He yelled.

But Namil didn’t turn back.

Not even for a glance, not for a single second. Not even once.

Jungguk balled up his fists and sunk to the ground before pounding at the pavement. The misery washed over him in waves.

‘It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Hadn’t they made a vow? Hadn’t they promised to be friends till the end? So why was he leaving him now? No he wanted to stay together always, friends or not. But why did you pick that damn professor over us?’

Namil!

Namil!!!

He howled into the air. A few people on the other side of the far pass, scurried past quickly avoiding making eye contact. Noone stopped to stop him from beating the pavement until his fists were raw and bleeding, no one helped him back up when his throat was raw and sore from screaming out for him. And no one held him as the tears poured down his face. The tears of pain and torture.

That had been Namil’s job all along.

Namil watched the clouds from where he lay on the grass in the park. He only had forty minutes until he had to be back in class to help Solhyun. He still couldn't believe he had been asked to do a special guest study on architectural basic design in Modern Life. Doing a guest lecture on the thing he loved was exactly what he had been working towards for the last five years.

And asking to Lecture even though he was just about to graduate was an honour he didn't even know how to put into words. He had worked hard for every second of the past five years and this internship to study under Matsumoto Mori in Japan was his treasure. His heart ached in the back of his ribs again the way it did whenever he was about to panic.

Instantly like it was only yesterday he could almost hear Jungguk's voice in his head. The anxiety can only get you if you let it. Push through it. Because there is no one who can do anything for you better than you can. It was utter bullshit of course But it had always made him smile at Jungguk's sincerity. There was nothing that man believed couldn't be done if you just barrelled through it like a bull.

Namil sighed, lifted his head and placed his hands underneath it before closing his eyes.

'Maybe to still his mind and not face the pressure he could take a short nap?'

"Yeah, pass it here, quickly, guys I'm open."

Namil's eyes flew back open. 'Jungguk?'

The familiar laughter that had followed him for so long stabbed at his heart. Even now so many years later. After not talking since that night. Any time they ran into each other he longed to run to him. But luckily it wasn't often they ran into each other and it was only ever from afar. They would see each other coming and would move out of the way. It had become the normal pattern. To avoid since it barely happened. It was a big campus and they had different majors. Architectural Engineering was on the opposite side as Molecular Biology. SNU was huge and building one hundred and five seemed a different world away from building sixty-four. 'What was he doing near the Kyujanggak Archive hall?'

"Yah, Steven how are you so lousy at this game?" Jungguk called out to his friend while laughing.

'His voice is so close.' Namil thought and then he realised. That his voice was actually dancing closer and closer to him. He froze, 'should he get up? The grass was kinda long, maybe they hadn't seen him. But if he got up could he sneak away without them seeing? Or was it better to stay here and wait for them to leave?' He didn't have a chance to over analyse it too much. Something hit into him and then a moment later he was smothered by something large and warm. He opened his eyes into a shirt and an all too familiar smell. He didn't even have to see his face to know who it was. Instinctively his arms reached up for his friend and wrapped around his waist. He took a deep breath and tried his best to hold back the tears that had begun to sting his eyes.

The sunlight came back as Jungguk pulled up his body in a cobra position to see who or what was hugging him, and Namil squinted up into Jungguk's startled face.

Jungguk looked down at him, his eyes searching Namil’s. Those dark buttery golden brown eyes bore into his soul

Namil wished he had been better at reading what Jungguk was feeling. Jungguk had never been an open book of emotions. And he wished for once that he could just see the stuff he was feeling flit across his face for once.

After a minute he pulled himself back down into the hug. Namil blinked into Jungguk's shirt, stunned.

"Calm like waves, in for two out for three." Jungguk said softly.

Namil squeezed his eyes shut so that the tears couldn't pour out of him and did as he was told. Jungguk had always helped him with his anxiety. It was something they had just learned to pull through together. Namil facing his trauma of being alone and Jungguk always silently being there for him. It was how he had fallen in love with Jungguk in the first place, that silent warmth that was always there to hold and treasure him during the tough times. And then five years ago he had thrown it away. Because it was too hard to cling to that warmth that wasn't his, because everytime it left him he would yearn for it back. And because it wasn't fair to either of them for him to linger on every touch, and every word. Especially since he knew Jungguk had never once tried anything more than friendship. Even when Namil had been positively shouting out with his body language how much he loved him. And how much he wanted to be loved back the same way.

Namil could tell Jungguk was holding his body up slightly so that all of his pressure wasn't on him and he wished he wasn't hovering above him slightly. He pulled him down tighter, rubbing his face into his left ****** and did as he was told.

Junggugk's heartbeat was quick and steady the exact same as it always had been. 'Yah, can't you betray him a little and beat faster for me for once. You stupid man, how is it that you can be perfectly calm everytime you hold me?' Namil inhaled that lovely familiar scent five more times then took a deep shuddering breath. After a moment he realised Jungguk wasn't pressing him to hurry. He wasn't trying to get away. If he didn't do or say anything would they stay here like this for as long as he wanted? Could he have such a miracle? He pushed on Jungguk just to try and adjust his chest to move a little and Jungguk slowly raised his body off of him. So that he was sitting over top of him and staring at Namil. Namil's face fell at the lack of physical contact like before. But then it clicked how Jungguk was sitting on him, and his face grew hot. The precarious position they were in while Jungguk staring into his eyes was almost too much. And yet. Jungguk. His expression was soft and unnervingly placid.

"All better?" He asked.

"Yah, are you coming back you lousy hooligan? Like what are you doing in the grass there?" His friend called.

Jungguk broke eye contact to look away and Namil felt his heartbeat plummet. And a wave of sadness gripped him tightly.

"Yeah, I will be right there." Jungguk called back, he reached out for the ground and went to stand up and then he stopped and looked back down at Namil.

Namil felt that sadness blow past him and his heart danced with excitement.

"Lee Namil." Jungguk said.

It was the softest sweetest tone. And his heart melted into a puddle. It almost felt like a lover calling his name. Namil smiled up at him. Jungguk glanced down and Namil followed his eyes.

"Ah, sorry." He let go of his shirt, after realising Jungguk had been too polite to ask him to let go.

Jungguk stood up immediately stepped over Namil like he was just a log in the grass and dusted himself off. He walked over to the ball, grabbed it and turned back towards his friend Steven.

"Can you learn to aim. I almost killed someone. Let's go play somewhere else so we don't get arrested for attempted murder." Jungguk yelled playfully, and then he ran off without even glancing back down. Without even saying goodbye.

Namil rolled over into the grass and curled his legs up to his chest. He buried his face into his shirt to hide his embarrassment, to hide his longing, to hide his heart breaking. But when he breathed deeply just as Jungguk had told him to, there was a little wet spot on his shirt and it smelled like Jungguk. Namil grabbed his shirt and pulled it up to his face burying his face inside it so he could let out the tears. Because there was no holding them back this time.

That was the first time they had seen each other closely since years ago. And hearing his name fall from his lips once more. It felt like his heart would never be whole again.

'Hold in there Namil it's only two more months until you leave. Two more months.' he thought but not even that thought could hold back the floodgates. So he just cried.

“That will be sixty-seven thousand five hundred and seventy nine won please.” The girl behind the counter said.

Jungguk raised his eyebrows but sighed and pulled out the cash to pay for his seniors bills. He went back to the table.

“Yo, Jungguk, our little baby dongsaeng is going to graduate and have a doctoral degree. I am so proud I could cry.” Min Jungsu said, sniffling.

“Yeah, yeah, stop it, you guys are drunk. You guys are the ones graduating. Why are you congratulating me? I still have a year left. Just be quiet.”

“Oh, yeah that's right. Our baby is going to graduate next year all alone without us.” Ha Kwanghyun sniffled as if he were actually sad but then started giggling idiotically.

Jungguk stared at them disgusted.

He had been drinking to say goodbye to them too. But he had controlled himself. And had a better tolerance than the two of them. Steven had left early unable to keep up at all.

“Okay everyone up. I called a taxi it’s waiting outside. He hoisted Kwanghyun up and Kwanghyun clung to Jungsu the two of them staggered outside while Jungguk pulled the door open and supported their heavy bodies with all the brute strength he could force.

Once he dropped them in the taxi he looked at Jongsu.

“Will you two be alright? I just have something to do before I go.” Jungsuk said.

Jungsu nodded slowly. “Mhhm, he is wrecked, but I got this.”

Jungsuk nodded. “Mhhm, okay. See you tomorrow.” He said and waved. Jungsuk stuck his head out the window.

“Jungguk you are the best.” he yelled at the top of his lungs and then walloped loudly.

Jungguk shook his head but chuckled. He went back inside and back to their table. The girl was cleaning up and gave him a small bow. He bowed back and then reached out and grabbed his black cross body bag.

His back pocket began to ring.

“Welcome.” The girl at his table turned and greeted someone at the door as the bell rang letting them know someone had just entered the store. He half heard someone slur out the word bottle. And then the door shut signalling they had left. Probably to go sit at the outdoor tables.

Jungguk didn’t look up but pulled his phone out of his back pocket and stared in awe. His whole body sobering up the moment he saw who it was.

Namil’s name was across the screen. ‘Namil had never changed his number? And he still had his? He hadn’t deleted him…’ Jungguk swallowed slowly. He pulled up to answer.

“Yah, Park Jungguk you promised me that when we graduated you would have a drink with me. Are you not going to keep your promises? Do you really break your pinky swears? Even when we locked it in?” Namil’s voice slurred slightly.

The door opened. “Customer your bottle of soju.” He heard echo through the phone.

Jungguk looked up and turned his head to look out the front window. Namil was sitting at the table outside. He had put the phone down and was about to grab the bottle from the waitress.

‘He still remembers that promise. Yah why can’t I shake you from my heart Namil?’

Jungguk hung up the call then hit the dial. “Can I have another taxi to the Unni’s red noodle bar.” He said, the sombre reply that was courteous and quick came before the line went dead.

Jungguk dashed out the front door and grabbed the bottle from the girl. “Sorry my friend has had enough to drink.” Jungguk said quickly.

She looked at him then back at the bottle and sighed. Before nodding and walking back into the building with it.

Namil looked up at Jungguk and his face soured.

“Yah, who said you could steal my drink. You swore we would drink together. Why did you steal the bottle?” He whined.

Jungguk’s heart throbbed in his chest, the way it always did when Namil was being cute. Which had always been far too often. Because it was just his personality.

Jungguk put his hand on his arm.

“Hey, stop drinking lets get you home okay.” Jungguk started.

But Namil threw his hand off his arm angrily.

“Don’t touch me. Jungguk is the only one allowed to touch me.”

“Namil it's me, Jungguk.” Jungguk reminded him.

Namil pouted. “Jungguk,”

He frowned and his face twisted with pain.

“I hate Jungguk. Stupid Jungguk.” Namil’s face started to shake.

Jungguk reached out a hand to grab him. But he shoved the chair from the table and stood up quickly then turned towards him and he had tears spilling down his face.

“You stupid idiot.” Namil sobbed shoving Jungguk hitting him in the left ****** repeatedly. “How dare you assume anything about me. How could you! How could you crush my heart?

I was never with Professor MyungKi. The idea that you would think that. How do you not understand that I left because it hurt.”

Jungguk blinked at Namil. He hadn’t even said anything. How long had Namil been holding this in?

He wanted to be mad too, Namil had left him. He had moved away the very next day, fleeing him like he had been some sort of contagion. He hadn’t even had a chance to say anything.

But he couldn’t get mad at Namil. His heart was aching in his chest and he wanted to cry too.

“I’m sorry. I was hurting too.” Jungguk said softly.

Namil scoffed. “You hurt? I was hurt! You didn’t see that I wasn’t letting anyone kiss me. Not unless it was you! You’re such an asshole Jungguk I only wanted to kiss you, I just want to kiss you!” he cried.

Jungguk swallowed.

“I hate you so much.” Namil sobbed, falling into Jungguk’s shirt and clinging to him.

“You left me all alone in my pain. You didn’t come after me. You didn’t understand how I was feeling. How much I love you.” He sobbed.

Jungguk wrapped his arms around Namil. “I knew it.” He said softly. Patting Namil with one hand, while gently rubbing circles on the middle of his neck. The way that always worked to calm Namil down.

“I knew it, and I took advantage of it. Because I was too scared to say how you made me feel too.” He said. The taxi pulled up and Jungguk sighed, slowly pulling Namil out of his arms to free one arm so he could open the door. Once his arm got free he opened the door then shoved Namil inside. He paused for a minute as he realised he didn’t know where Namil was staying. ‘Was he in the dorms or somewhere else?’ He nodded, gave up and got in after him.

“Where are you going?” The cabbie asked.

“Gwanaksa Residence Halls near the rear gate building nine-one-six.” He said then buckled in Namil who snored away in the back seat. He buckled himself up then watched Namil.

‘Five years. I can go five years without being close to you. And you held me once two months ago and I can’t turn away again. What is wrong with me? It’s like a crazy tapestry that leads me back to you everytime.’