Patient Jessica Godfrey

A Short Story

by IShTAR IRIS

Jessica Godfrey had always loved grand Falmouth with its knowing, kind kettles. It was a place where she felt happy.

She was a patient, hungry, squash drinker with fat legs and pretty spots. Her friends saw her as a pretty, purple painter. Once, she had even rescued an unsteady old man from a burning building. That's the sort of woman she was.

Jessica walked over to the window and reflected on her damp surroundings. The drizzle rained like walking badgers.

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Casper McCallister. Casper was a sweet rover with squat legs and brown spots.

Jessica gulped. She was not prepared for Casper.

As Jessica stepped outside and Casper came closer, she could see the upset smile on his face.

Casper gazed with the affection of 1837 loving gorgeous goldfish. He said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want love."

Jessica looked back, even more active and still fingering the spotty sausage. "Casper, I admire your eyebrows," she replied.

They looked at each other with shocked feelings, like two splendid, shaggy snakes running at a very peculiar carol service, which had drum and bass music playing in the background and two optimistic uncles partying to the beat.

Jessica regarded Casper's squat legs and brown spots. "I feel the same way!" revealed Jessica with a delighted grin.

Casper looked fuzzy, his emotions blushing like a rare, rough record.

Then Casper came inside for a nice beaker of squash.

THE END

..."Two Brutal Uncles Sleeping to the Beat"...

...A Short Story...

...by Florancia...

Sonya Ramsbottom looked at the crumpled map in her hands and felt angry.

She walked over to the window and reflected on her cold surroundings. She had always hated picturesque London with its stupid, sharp swamps. It was a place that encouraged her tendency to feel angry.

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Clarke Snozcumber. Clarke was a controlling knight with blonde fingers and handsome thighs.

Sonya gulped. She glanced at her own reflection. She was a wild, hungry, tea drinker with charming fingers and fragile thighs. Her friends saw her as a mute, melted monster. Once, she had even brought a spotless owl back from the brink of death.

But not even a wild person who had once brought a spotless owl back from the brink of death, was prepared for what Clarke had in store today.

The snow flurried like shouting rabbits, making Sonya sparkly.

As Sonya stepped outside and Clarke came closer, she could see the ratty glint in his eye.

"I am here because I want affection," Clarke bellowed, in a loving tone. He slammed his fist against Sonya's chest, with the force of 912 flamingos. "I frigging hate you, Sonya Ramsbottom."

Sonya looked back, even more sparkly and still fingering the crumpled map. "Clarke, what's up Doc," she replied.

They looked at each other with afraid feelings, like two homely, harsh horses rampaging at a very bold disco, which had flute music playing in the background and two brutal uncles sleeping to the beat.

Sonya studied Clarke's blonde fingers and handsome thighs. Eventually, she took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, but I can't give you affection," she explained, in pitying tones.

Clarke looked puzzled, his body raw like a bulbous, bright blade.

Sonya could actually hear Clarke's body shatter into 2918 pieces. Then the controlling knight hurried away into the distance.

Not even a cup of tea would calm Sonya's nerves tonight.

THE END

...Cowardly Shark...

A Screenplay by me

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Patient shopkeeper DCI CHARLOTTE RAMSBOTTOM is arguing with brave fishmonger DCI MATT WILLIS. CHARLOTTE tries to hug MATT but he shakes her off.

CHARLOTTE

Please Matt, don't leave me.

MATT

I'm sorry Charlotte, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

CHARLOTTE

I am such a person!

MATT frowns.

MATT

I'm sorry, Charlotte. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MATT leaves.

CHARLOTTE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, gentle homemaker DI SONYA PARKES barges in looking flustered.

CHARLOTTE

Goodness, Sonya! Is everything okay?

SONYA

I'm afraid not.

CHARLOTTE

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

SONYA

It's ... a shark ... I saw an evil shark vandalise a bunch of kittens!

CHARLOTTE

Defenseless kittens?

SONYA

Yes, defenseless kittens!

CHARLOTTE

Bloomin' heck, Sonya! We've got to do something.

SONYA

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CHARLOTTE

You can start by telling me where this happened.

SONYA

I was...

SONYA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

CHARLOTTE

Focus Sonya, focus! Where did it happen?

SONYA

A Sweet Shop! That's right - A Sweet Shop!

CHARLOTTE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHARLOTTE rushes along the street, followed by SONYA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. A SWEET SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

HEATHER DOOP a cowardly shark terrorises two kittens.

CHARLOTTE, closely followed by SONYA, rushes towards HEATHER, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

SONYA

What is is? What's the matter?

CHARLOTTE

That's not just any old shark, that's Heather Doop!

SONYA

Who's Heather Doop?

CHARLOTTE

Who's Heather Doop? Who's Heather Doop? Only the most cowardly shark in the universe!

SONYA

Blinkin' knickers, Charlotte! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly shark in the universe!

CHARLOTTE

You can say that again.

SONYA

Blinkin' knickers, Charlotte! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly shark in the universe!

CHARLOTTE

I'm going to need candlesticks, lots of candlesticks.

Heather turns and sees Charlotte and Sonya. She grins an evil grin.

HEATHER

Charlotte Ramsbottom, we meet again.

SONYA

You've met?

CHARLOTTE

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHARLOTTE is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees HEATHER. She takes off her headphones.

HEATHER

Would you like some barley sugar?

CHARLOTTE's eyes light up, but then he studies HEATHER more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHARLOTTE

I don't know, you look kind of cowardly.

HEATHER

Me? No. I'm not cowardly. I'm the least cowardly shark in the world.

CHARLOTTE

Wait, you're a shark?

CHARLOTTE runs away, screaming.

INT. A SWEET SHOP - PRESENT DAY

HEATHER

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

SONYA

(To CHARLOTTE) You ran away?

CHARLOTTE

(To SONYA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CHARLOTTE turns to HEATHER.

CHARLOTTE

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CHARLOTTE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

CHARLOTTE

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with candlesticks.

HEATHER

I'm not scared of you.

CHARLOTTE

You should be.

EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY

CHARLOTTE and SONYA walk around searching for something.

CHARLOTTE

I feel sure I left my candlesticks somewhere around here.

SONYA

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly candlesticks.

CHARLOTTE

You know nothing Sonya Parkes.

SONYA

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, HEATHER appears, holding a pair of candlesticks.

HEATHER

Looking for something?

SONYA

Crikey, Charlotte, she's got your candlesticks.

CHARLOTTE

Tell me something I don't already know!

SONYA

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CHARLOTTE

I know that already!

SONYA

I still wear nappies.

HEATHER

(appalled) Dude!

While HEATHER is looking at SONYA with disgust, CHARLOTTE lunges forward and grabs her deadly candlesticks. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHARLOTTE

Prepare to die, you cowardly aubergine!

HEATHER

No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of kittens!

MATT enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHARLOTTE

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Charlotte Ramsbottom defender of innocent kittens.

HEATHER

Don't hurt me! Please!

CHARLOTTE

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these candlesticks on you right away!

HEATHER

Because Charlotte, I am your mother.

CHARLOTTE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

CHARLOTTE

No you're not!

HEATHER

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

HEATHER tries to grab the candlesticks but CHARLOTTE dodges out of the way.

CHARLOTTE

Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, HEATHER slumps to the ground.

SONYA

Did she just faint?

CHARLOTTE

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly candlesticks.

CHARLOTTE crouches over HEATHER's body.

SONYA

Be careful, Charlotte. It could be a trick.

CHARLOTTE

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Heather Doop is dead!

CHARLOTTE

What?

CHARLOTTE

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

SONYA claps her hands.

SONYA

So your candlesticks did save the day, after all.

MATT steps forward.

MATT

Is it true? Did you kill the cowardly shark?

CHARLOTTE

Matt how long have you been...?

MATT puts his arm around CHARLOTTE.

MATT

Long enough.

CHARLOTTE

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Heather Doop.

MATT

Then the kittens are safe?

CHARLOTTE

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

MATT

You are their hero.

The kittens bow to CHARLOTTE.

CHARLOTTE

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Heather Doop will never vandalise kittens ever again, is enough for me.

MATT

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes CHARLOTTE a mystical necklace

MATT

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CHARLOTTE

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

CHARLOTTE

Well, if you insist.

CHARLOTTE takes the necklace.

CHARLOTTE

Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHARLOTTE turns to MATT.

CHARLOTTE

Does this mean you want me back?

MATT

Oh, Charlotte, of course I want you back!

CHARLOTTE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHARLOTTE

Well you can't have me.

MATT

WHAT?

CHARLOTTE

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a shark to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MATT

But...

CHARLOTTE

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Sonya.

SONYA grins.

MATT

But...

SONYA

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MATT

Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE

I'm sorry Matt, but I think you should skidaddle.

MATT leaves.

SONYA turns to CHARLOTTE.

SONYA

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CHARLOTTE

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly SONYA stops.

SONYA

When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the shark don't you?

THE END

...Stingy Lion...

A Screenplay by me

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Noble psychiatrist DCI CHRIS GREENWAY is arguing with witty private detective DI JACK RANDALL. CHRIS tries to hug JACK but he shakes him off.

CHRIS

Please Jack, don't leave me.

JACK

I'm sorry Chris, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

CHRIS

I am such a person!

JACK frowns.

JACK

I'm sorry, Chris. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

JACK leaves.

CHRIS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, brave psychiatrist MRS CHARLOTTE PLUMB barges in looking flustered.

CHRIS

Goodness, Charlotte! Is everything okay?

CHARLOTTE

I'm afraid not.

CHRIS

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

CHARLOTTE

It's ... a lion ... I saw an evil lion squish a bunch of kittens!

CHRIS

Defenseless kittens?

CHARLOTTE

Yes, defenseless kittens!

CHRIS

Bloomin' heck, Charlotte! We've got to do something.

CHARLOTTE

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CHRIS

You can start by telling me where this happened.

CHARLOTTE

I was...

CHARLOTTE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

CHRIS

Focus Charlotte, focus! Where did it happen?

CHARLOTTE

National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!

CHRIS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHRIS rushes along the street, followed by CHARLOTTE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER

ROY SWEET a stingy lion terrorises two kittens.

CHRIS, closely followed by CHARLOTTE, rushes towards ROY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CHARLOTTE

What is is? What's the matter?

CHRIS

That's not just any old lion, that's Roy Sweet!

CHARLOTTE

Who's Roy Sweet?

CHRIS

Who's Roy Sweet? Who's Roy Sweet? Only the most stingy lion in the universe!

CHARLOTTE

Blinkin' knickers, Chris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stingy lion in the universe!

CHRIS

You can say that again.

CHARLOTTE

Blinkin' knickers, Chris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stingy lion in the universe!

CHRIS

I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.

Roy turns and sees Chris and Charlotte. He grins an evil grin.

ROY

Chris Greenway, we meet again.

CHARLOTTE

You've met?

CHRIS

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHRIS is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees ROY. He takes off his headphones.

ROY

Would you like some chocolate?

CHRIS's eyes light up, but then he studies ROY more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHRIS

I don't know, you look kind of stingy.

ROY

Me? No. I'm not stingy. I'm the least stingy lion in the world.

CHRIS

Wait, you're a lion?

CHRIS runs away, screaming.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY

ROY

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

CHARLOTTE

(To CHRIS) You ran away?

CHRIS

(To CHARLOTTE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CHRIS turns to ROY.

CHRIS

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CHRIS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

CHRIS

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.

ROY

I'm not scared of you.

CHRIS

You should be.

INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - LATER THAT DAY

CHRIS and CHARLOTTE walk around searching for something.

CHRIS

I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.

CHARLOTTE

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.

CHRIS

You know nothing Charlotte Plumb.

CHARLOTTE

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, ROY appears, holding a pair of spoons.

ROY

Looking for something?

CHARLOTTE

Crikey, Chris, he's got your spoons.

CHRIS

Tell me something I don't already know!

CHARLOTTE

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CHRIS

I know that already!

CHARLOTTE

I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.

ROY

(appalled) Dude!

While ROY is looking at CHARLOTTE with disgust, CHRIS lunges forward and grabs his deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHRIS

Prepare to die, you stingy parsnip!

ROY

No please! All I did was squish a bunch of kittens!

JACK enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHRIS

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Chris Greenway defender of innocent kittens.

ROY

Don't hurt me! Please!

CHRIS

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!

ROY

Because Chris, I am your father.

CHRIS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

CHRIS

No you're not!

ROY

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

ROY tries to grab the spoons but CHRIS dodges out of the way.

CHRIS

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, ROY slumps to the ground.

CHARLOTTE

Did he just faint?

CHRIS

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.

CHRIS crouches over ROY's body.

CHARLOTTE

Be careful, Chris. It could be a trick.

CHRIS

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Roy Sweet is dead!

CHRIS

What?

CHRIS

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

CHARLOTTE claps her hands.

CHARLOTTE

So your spoons did save the day, after all.

JACK steps forward.

JACK

Is it true? Did you kill the stingy lion?

CHRIS

Jack how long have you been...?

JACK puts his arm around CHRIS.

JACK

Long enough.

CHRIS

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Roy Sweet.

JACK

Then the kittens are safe?

CHRIS

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

JACK

You are their hero.

The kittens bow to CHRIS.

CHRIS

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Roy Sweet will never squish kittens ever again, is enough for me.

JACK

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes CHRIS a magic talisman

JACK

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CHRIS

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

CHRIS

Well, if you insist.

CHRIS takes the talisman.

CHRIS

Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHRIS turns to JACK.

CHRIS

Does this mean you want me back?

JACK

Oh, Chris, of course I want you back!

CHRIS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHRIS

Well you can't have me.

JACK

WHAT?

CHRIS

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a lion to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

JACK

But...

CHRIS

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE grins.

JACK

But...

CHARLOTTE

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

JACK

Chris?

CHRIS

I'm sorry Jack, but I think you should skidaddle.

JACK leaves.

CHARLOTTE turns to CHRIS.

CHARLOTTE

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CHRIS

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly CHARLOTTE stops.

CHARLOTTE

When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the lion don't you?

THE END