I’ll miss my silver ring, even though I’ve grown to resent it. The ocean will swallow it up, just like all the other tiny things that sink. It will be in good company.

I clench it in my fist as the incoming wave steadily grows. I’ll wait a moment before I toss it in. There’s something satisfying about the symbol of my purity disappearing into crashing water. Just as the wave starts to break, I yank my arm back.

I freeze.

Why is this so hard? It’s not as if this ring is my actual virginity. How am I going to have sex by the end of the summer if I can’t even toss a piece of metal?

“Livvy,” my sister, Vanessa, says, “Why do you need to get rid of your purity ring? What is that going to solve?”

The apprehension in her voice is an echo of my own inner turmoil. Our parents would be devastated if they found out. This ring was a gift from my dad on my thirteenth birthday. It probably means as much to both of them now as it did eight years ago.

Which is exactly why I need to toss it. It’s creepy how they fixate on the sex life of their adult daughter, and it’s kept me in a box my whole life. I didn’t date. I barely even flirted with anyone. It’s made me live small even as I dreamed big.

I’m done dreaming.

I’m done fantasizing about someday giving this ring to Cole Walker, along with my purity. For years, I’ve imagined the day I’d slip off my white dress and give my beautiful best friend all my firsts. It’s time to let it go. He’ll never be my husband.

He doesn’t love me that way, and he never will.

Cole’s moving home from college today. He might be driving into town at this very moment, and we’ll be closer than we’ve been in four years.

And I’ll be in danger of making him my entire world, just like I did in high school. I was willing to give him anything he needed in the moment he needed it. If he wanted to see me, I’d drop all of my plans. I would have done anything for him, because I loved him so much.

It’s time to start living for myself.

“Do it!” Mariana shouts, pulling me out of my head. “Make that ring your *****!”

I snort. Thank God for Mari. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if not for her example. She showed me I can pull away from purity culture and still be a good person. She doesn’t even believe in God anymore, yet she’s still the same Mariana.

At the sight of an incoming wave, I brace myself, taking a deep breath and lifting my fist. The wave crests and crashes before streaming past my bare feet, sending a chill up my spine.

I can’t do it.

Instead, I turn around. Vanessa’s posture relaxes a little, and Mariana lifts both brows. “I hope this doesn’t mean you’re still planning to save yourself for marriage.”

I shake my head sharply. “I’m done with all of that bullshit. Jesus isn’t going to stop loving me if I lose my virginity.”

Mari claps her hands. “Yes!”

My younger sister’s brows pull together, and I look away. I knew she would have a hard time with this, but I’m not going to hide it from her. We’ve always been each other’s confidants, and I’m not letting that change just because my faith has evolved.

Both of them watch me, as if they both know what I’m about to say is monumental.

“I’m losing my virginity by the end of the summer,” I say.

Mariana shrieks, and Vanessa’s gaze falls to the sand, probably to hide her dismay, and it sends a pang to my chest.

“I even have a deadline.” I reach into the bag at my hip and pull out the tin box. Inside is my purity contract, a letter to my future husband, and every prayer journal I’ve kept since I met Cole five years ago. I pull out my current journal, flip to the last page, and read aloud what I wrote there. “September seventeenth,” I say. “UC Santa Barbara’s fall quarter starts on the eighteenth, and I refuse to start my senior year of college still a ******. And it’s not just that. There are all kinds of other things I plan to do. All the things I’ve been too afraid to do. Things I used to think were wrong. I’m going to start going on dates. I’m going to get drunk and go to the bars and make out with random guys.”

“Yes!” Mari shouts. “I’m loving this.”

“Why?” Vanessa asks. Her tone is gentle, but my heart still clenches at the bewilderment in her eyes.

“Because I’m living an incredibly passive life, and that has to stop, because it’s not really living.”

“And getting drunk and making out with random guys is really living?”

I stare at her for a moment. “You know that none of this is a condemnation of how you live your life, right?

Her mouth tightens. “I mean, I guess so, but why are you doing these things? You’ve never had any interest in partying. Why do you think doing it now is going to make you happy?”

“It’s not that I’ve never been interest in partying. I was just afraid. I thought it was all sinful.”

“Is it a coincidence that you decided this today,” Mari asks, “when a certain person is moving back?”

Goodness, she knows me so well. “No,” I say, “I’ve been having anxiety for a while about what things will be like when he’s back in town. Mari, I’ve spent more time with him over the last few years than I have with you, and he’s been living an hour and a half away.”

Mari snorts. “That’s more Cole’s doing than yours. I’m telling you, he’s in love with you. When you tell him about all this, he’s going to confess that. Mark my words.”

“I think so too,” Vanessa says.

I shake my head sharply. “He needs me emotionally, but he doesn’t want me sexually. That’s not the kind of love I want. I want someone who can’t keep his hands off me.”

“I bet he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you if he knew you want him.” Mari brushes a flyaway strand of dark hair from her face. “In fact, I think you’re the reason he’s such a ****-boy. He had to get sex somewhere since he couldn’t get it from you.”

“No.” I shake my head again. “I can’t fantasize about that possibility anymore. I can’t wait for him to want me. It’s toxic. And it’s part of the reason I’ve lived so small.”

A wicked smile spreads across Mari’s face. “He’s going to absolutely lose his shit when he finds out you’re planning on losing your virginity.”

I take a deep breath. “I was actually thinking of…asking him to do it for me. Take my virginity, I mean.”

Their eyes grow huge, and a wash of hot, tingling shame spreads from my scalp to the tips of my fingers. “I know it sounds crazy since I’m also trying to get over him, but the thing is… I’m so scared to do this, and he’s the only person I can think of who would make me feel totally safe.”

“Oh my God!” Mariana shouts. “Does this mean you’re going to tell him how you feel?”

“Goodness, no!” I shake my head frantically, the thought alone making my throat grow tight. “No way. That would be so humiliating, and it’s already going to be hard enough to ask him for this.”

Mari smiles cheekily. “Maybe once you tell him you want to have sex, he won’t be able to keep his hands off you, just like you’ve always wanted.”

I turn away and look at the water, not wanting her to see how that statement makes hope flutter in my heart. Despite all my efforts to change, I can’t seem to squash this wretched hope. Maybe things will change. Maybe he’s not attracted to me now because he’s never considered me. Maybe he’ll find out that he’s attracted to me after he touches me.

No. I can’t let delusional thoughts like that sway my decision.

“Maybe,” I say. “But I’m not going to let his reaction get in the way of my plans. It’s time to start living. I’m going to ask Cole at his graduation party. If he says no, I’ll have to find someone else. Maybe even Zac—”

Mari burst into laughter. “You are living in a fantasy world if you think Cole will ever let that happen.” She turns to Vanessa. “In high school, he—no exaggeration—shoved Zac against a wall for patting Livvy’s ***. It was an accidental pat, too. I’m pretty sure he was aiming for her lower back. Even innocent high school Livvy wasn’t the least bit creeped out by it, but Cole completely lost his mind. He got written up for it.”

Vanessa smiles at me. “He’s so protective of you. It’s really cute.”

“It was cute in high school,” I say. “I don’t find it cute anymore.” Not after years of nothing coming from it. “He’s going to have to start keeping his protectiveness in check, because I’m doing this. No matter what. Come on—” I plop down on the soft sand and gesture for them to sit down with me. “I want you to help me come up with things to do. I’m calling it my impurity contract.”

“Oh my God,” Mari exclaims. “I absolutely love it. Please sign it Olivia Grace Gallo, like you did on your purity contract.”

I nod. “I’ll make them look as similar as possible.”

When Vanessa averts her eyes, something tugs inside of me. Poor thing. She thinks I’m mocking everything she still believes in.

I reach out, grab her hand, and give it a tight squeeze. “Ness, this isn’t a critique of our whole religion. Just purity culture. I still love Jesus more than anything.”

“I know,” she says, but she doesn’t sound quite convinced.

I pick up a pen and press it to the top of the page. “Obviously, the first thing I need to do is have my first kiss.”

Mari nods. “If you plan on getting drunk, you could knock out two birds with one stone. It’s much easier to kiss someone when you’re drunk.”

I nod slowly. “I think I want to get high too. I always thought if I smoked weed, it would lead to a life of drugs.”

“I used to think that too,” Mari says. “And I almost lost my mind with paranoia the first time I got high.”

Vanessa grimaces. “That doesn’t sound fun.”

“This isn’t about fun,” I say. “It’s about facing my fears.”

Vanessa lowers her gaze to the sand.

“I think you need to add dressing slutty to your contract,” Mari says. “Your body shame is probably one of the most toxic things you inherited from purity culture. Especially your hang-up with your boobs. I would kill for your double Ds, and you treat them like they’re disgusting.”

Just the thought of my chest exposed makes a hot, prickling shame creep over my body, which is exactly why I need to listen to Mari’s suggestion.

I nod. “I’ll add that.”

Five items in total. Now for the final one. The big one. As I start writing down “lose my virginity”, I’m halted by my sister’s voice.

“I think you should add telling Cole how you feel to your list.”

I grow utterly still, and heat creeps along my neck.

Goodness, just thinking about it makes my stomach churn. What if he says he doesn’t love me back, that he never could?

I don’t think I could bear it.

A strong, assertive woman would tell him how she feels, but I’m not there yet. “I’ll think about,” I say, “but I think this is good for now.” I lift up the list.

First kiss

Get drunk

Smoke weed

Dress slutty

Have a drunken make-out

Lose my virginity

“I don’t have to do them in order, but they all need to be done by September seventeenth, which means if Cole says no, I’ll have some work to do, because I’m determined to get this done—”

My phone chimes, and I reach into my pocket. A smile tugs at my lips when I see the name on my screen. “Speak of the devil.”

“Cole?” Mari asks.

“Yep,” I say as I glance at the text.

Cole: I just finished unpacking, and I’m dying to see you. Do you have time to hang out before the party? Just let me know where you are, and I’ll come to you.

Mari glances at my phone and snorts. “Anyone who reads that text would think he’s your boyfriend.”

My lips tighten. “That’s part of the problem. I’m too available for him. I have to start asserting myself more. I was planning on taking my time to get ready so I look really pretty at the party. If I hang out with him now, I won’t have time.”

I look down at my phone, debating what to text back. My gut instinct is to be overly apologetic, to tell him I’m so sorry I don’t have time but promise to be extra early to the party so that we can see each other then.

But I need to start changing the old patterns.

Me: I’m hanging out with Mari and Vanessa, so I won’t be able to see you until the party. I have some HUGE news I have to share with you :)

I reread the text and then hit send.

Jesus, help me. There’s no going back now.

My pulse starts to pound as I read her text, and a prickle of foreboding runs down my spine. “Huge news”? And not just huge, but “huge” in all caps. What could that possibly be?

This is nothing to worry about. Livvy is thoughtful and sensitive. Often, things that are huge to her are minor to me. She may have had a conversation with a friend that inspired her, or she pushed through her shyness and spoke up more in class.

She has been different these past few weeks in a way I can’t quite pinpoint. I’ve been so busy finishing my last quarter of college, I haven’t seen her nearly as much as I usually do, but in our brief interactions, I’ve sensed a change.

Oh God. Please say she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Please say she hasn’t met some upright Christian guy that she wants to tell me all about. What if she brings someone to the party tonight to introduce us?

I’ve always known that once she gets a boyfriend, our relationship will change. Not that she would abandon our friendship. She’s too good a person—too steady and strong in her principles—to do that, even if her boyfriend was a jealous prick. But she wouldn’t be mine anymore.

Her deepest loyalty would be to him.

****, I hate him already.

“What’s wrong?”

I jerk up from my phone to see my mom walking down the pathway from the main house. A breeze brushes over my face, cooling my hot cheeks, and reality settles over me. It’s stupid to let myself get so worked up when I don’t even know what Livvy has to tell me.

I smile at my mom as she sits down on the porch chair across from mine. “Zac just told me he got a keg of Coors Light,” I say, “and I told him to get Stone IPA. I refuse to drink cheap beer now that I’m a college graduate.”

She sets her hands primly on her lap. “Well, I don’t want any cheap or expensive beer on my carpet, so make sure you keep everyone outside tonight. And if anyone needs to crash, they’re sleeping in the guesthouse with you. I don’t care if you have a lady friend overnight and want privacy. No one is sleeping in the main house this time.” She clenches her jaw. “I had to replace the whole living room carpet after your party last summer.”

I pretend to wince. “I’ve actually already told everyone to crash in your knitting room if they get too drunk. The couches are way more comfortable there, and those yarn-bowl things will be perfect if they have to puke.”

My mom smiles, rolling her eyes. “If there’s even the faintest scent of vomit in my knitting room, you’re starting your apartment hunt tomorrow.” As if a sudden thought occurs to her, her smile fades, and her dark brows draw together. “Honey, I do have to talk to you about something. I wish I could save it until after all of your graduation festivities are over, but it can’t wait. I’ve already waited too long to tell you.”

“Okay.” I can’t keep the apprehension out of my voice.

She opens her mouth and closes it. “I asked your dad for a divorce last week.”

The words hit me like a meteor. My pulse starts to pound in my throat. I push myself up from my seat and walk to the edge of the patio. The outer edge of my vision blurs for a moment.

Why am I so surprised when I’ve been waiting for this? My dad has been an utter shit husband for as long as I can remember, and it’s not like it’s going to affect me much. I only plan to live in the guesthouse until I find my own place.

What is this strange tingling over my skin? Why do I feel like I’m being swept back in time to that horrible night when I walked in on my dad with that woman, and the whole world shifted?

“Your dad didn’t take it well.” Her words come in as if from a distance. “I’m not sure if he even fully accepts that I’m going to do it. I asked him to move out as soon as he can, but he looks like he’s going to drag his feet.”

Finally coming back to myself, I huff. “That sounds about right, since he treats you like your whole life revolves around his.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, but he’s having a hard time. I think getting a divorce lawyer will be a good reality check for him. I’m planning on starting my search tomorrow.”

I turn around to face her. “Mom.” I try to say the word firmly, but my voice quivers. I clear my throat to keep it from shaking. “Let me find you a good divorce lawyer. That’s going to be crucial. I’ll start looking—”

“Absolutely not. I’m not letting my son find a divorce lawyer for me. That’s not why I told you. I wanted you to have time to process it all before you start at Walker Industries—”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll feel better if you let me take care of this. Zac’s dad is a lawyer, and he knows all the best lawyers in Santa Barbara—”

“No, Cole.” She stares at me for a moment before her hard expression softens. “I love that you’re looking out for me, but I need to navigate this process myself. If I’m going to live on my own and take care of myself without your dad’s help, this is where it starts.”

I want to protest, but I only nod. I know that she’s right, but it doesn’t stop this itching anxiety crawling over my skin. She may not find the right lawyer. The fact that she hasn’t even started looking for one attests to that, especially since she asked my dad for a divorce a week ago. She’s so vulnerable after years of having all of her basic needs taken care of by him. That’s probably why she stayed with him, even after years and years of heartache.

“Okay, just make sure you find someone ruthless. Someone who will take him for all he’s got.”

Her posture straightens. “Well, since that would affect the company, and therefore you and your brother and sister, I won’t be doing that.”

Of course she won’t. She’s made it abundantly clear to me over the years how important it is to her that I take over Walker Industries someday, and given what she’s had to put up with from my dad, it’s the least I can do for her. Even though I dread having to work for him.

“Marriages are complicated,” she says. “Divorce is never just one person’s fault.”

I look away, my jaw clenching. Arguing with her will lead to a conversation I don’t want to have—to something she and I have only really discussed in code. The one time I tried to tell her the details of my dad’s infidelity, she didn’t want to hear it. She said she already knew.

God, how ******* sad.

I wish she knew her value. I wish she knew that she deserves to clean him out for everything he’s worth after what he’s put her through.

“Honey.”

When I glance up, my mom’s brows are furrowed. “Do you want to talk about what you’re feeling? I can tell that you’re really upset.”

“I’m fine.” The words are clipped.

“Okay.” Her voice is resigned. “I’ll give you your privacy. Don’t worry about setting up for the party. I already enlisted Mason to put out more lawn furniture. He doesn’t know anything yet about the divorce. I’m still trying to figure out how to tell him and Maddy. But I want you to take some time to yourself, okay? Relax before your party.”

I swallow to ease the tightness in my throat. “I’m honestly fine, Mom. It’s a long time coming, and I’m happy for you.”

She stares at me for a moment. “Well, if you’re ever not fine, just know you can talk to me about it.”

She walks away, and the world around me blurs. It’s really happening. They’re divorcing, and the world is shifting under my feet, just like it did years ago. Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be strong for my mom?

****, there’s only one person who can make me feel anchored again.

I’ll tell Livvy the whole story, just like I always do when something is troubling me. She’ll stare at me with those soft brown eyes and that little furrow on her brow. She’ll say, “Oh Cole, I’m so sorry,” in that sweet, melodic voice and shyly ask if it would weird me out if she prayed for me. I’ll fight a smile and tell her no, that just because I’m not religious doesn’t mean I’m ruling out the possibility that God exists.

She’ll set her hand on my shoulder, which will send electricity down my arm. She’ll close her eyes and mouth words to herself—careful not to say them aloud because she probably doesn’t want to scare me with the strange jargon. And I’ll just watch her, relishing her closeness and warmth, absorbing all of her compassion and kindness by proximity.

In a perfect world, I could hold her afterward—pull her into my arms and press her soft body against mine. I’d trail my lips along her neck before taking a little bite of her pretty skin. Then I’d bury myself inside her and—

****.

What am I doing?

The divorce must be throwing me off-kilter. These old fantasies only seem to surface when I’m at my most vulnerable. No matter how much they might provide a balm to my shitty mood, I can’t indulge them. I’ll never have that part of her, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want it. What I have with her is already perfect as it is.

Passion always fades eventually, but my friendship with Livvy is lifelong. I won’t do anything to jeopardize it.

I’ll want to kill any boyfriend she introduces me to, if that’s what she’s going to do tonight—mostly out of jealousy—but I’ll have to keep any animosity under the surface. She can never know.

This lingering attraction to her has never done me any good. I have to keep it in check.

“Are you nervous?” Mari asks as we park on the stone-tile drive of Cole’s parents’ house.

I sigh. “I’m so nervous I feel like I have to pee, and I just peed right before we left.”

She chuckles as she unbuckles her seatbelt. “I’m pretty sure Cole is going to be as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning when you ask him, but I understand. It’s scary when you don’t know exactly how he feels.” She turns to me, her expression growing stern. “But you’re not going to pine over him if he says no. Be thankful he’s a hot guy, and hot guys have hot friends. If things go bad tonight, I already have a plan. I’m going to get you nice and drunk, and I’ll have your first make-out partner lined up and ready to go in no time.”

I smile sadly. “That’s sweet of you.”

But pointless. If Cole says no, I’ll be too dejected for anything other than going home and writing about it in my journal. I’ll have to start my hunt for someone else after I’ve had some time to recover.

When she steps out of the car, I take a deep, calming breath before following her. We walk around the side of the house until we spot a group of people at the edge of the property, near Cole’s guesthouse.

“I’m going to go find us a drink,” Mari says before turning toward the keg on the patio.

I glance around, looking for Cole. Tall as he is, it takes me only a moment before I spot him. He’s standing near the Koi pond with a red cup in his hand and is surrounded by a few girls I vaguely remember from high school. One of them looks like she’s in the middle of telling a story. She gestures wildly while she talks, and Cole’s eyes are fixed on her face. Riveted.

Goodness, she’s so pretty. They always are. Pretty and outgoing, just like him.

I take a deep breath. I can do this. I don’t have to be the textbook shy girl who stands silently in a group conversation, patiently waiting for a turn to talk that will never come—that she’ll never take, even if it does.

I can be bold.

Boldness is a choice, not a feeling.

I walk steadily in his direction, trying to make my strides large and confident. As if sensing my presence, he looks in my direction. His eyes widen for a moment before his ruggedly handsome face melts into an almost boyish smile. Goodness, he’s so beautiful, with his broad shoulders and square jaw and those kind brown eyes. He’s everything I was taught to want in a husband—strong and confident on the outside, but soft and caring within.

That’s where the delusion started. I’d been so sure that I couldn’t love him so much, that he couldn’t be the embodiment of all my husband fantasies, if God weren’t trying to tell me we were meant to be.

It’s sad.

So sad.

As soon as I get close, he opens his arms wide. I quicken my steps and am startled when he pulls me into a tight embrace. He hums as his mouth grazes my head.

Wow. This is different. He rarely hugs me like this, and it tugs at that familiar ache in my belly.

“I missed you,” he whispers.

“I missed you too.”

“Never again. We’re never doing long distance ever again.” He squeezes me so tightly that I can’t take a breath for a moment. Goodness, he’s in a strange mood.

When he finally lets me go, I smile up at him. “I don’t know if LA to Santa Barbara could really be called a long distance.” Because we’re not in a relationship, I add silently.

“Well, it was too long for me.” He sets his hand on my shoulder before turning to the two girls. “Do you guys remember my best friend, Livvy? She was a year behind us at San Marcos.”

One of the girls only nods, but the vivacious one who was telling a story earlier grins mischievously at me before looking at Cole. “I remember you punching Zac in the face for hugging Livvy, and then getting suspended from the baseball team for it.”

An adorable little smile tugs at Cole’s lips. “Yeah, I was a little overprotective of her, but that particular story gets wilder every year since we graduated. I swear by our ten-year reunion, it’ll be that I beat him within an inch of his life and went to jail for it. I didn’t even punch him. I shoved him a little bit.”

“Not a little bit,” I say. “You shoved him really hard.”

He narrows his eyes playfully on my face before turning to the other two. “For the record, it was much more than a hug. He was getting handsy with her, and she didn’t like it. I was really just trying to push him away, and I didn’t mean to do it that hard.”

“Zac wasn’t being that handsy,” I say to the girls and then grin saucily at Cole. When his eyes widen, my stomach flutters.

I think I’m actually flirting, and in front of a group of people!

“I believe her side of the story, Cole,” the vivacious girl says.

He shakes his head. “Your loyalty goes out the window if someone gets hurt.” He turns to the girls. “She only gets mad at me when I hurt someone, even if it’s only their feelings. I remember one time she wouldn’t talk to me for two days straight because she thought I’d hurt Noah’s feelings, and she’d never even talked to the guy. I had to send this long text apology to him, which was awkward as ****, but that was the only way she’d talk to me again, and—” he turns to me, and his eyes grow hooded, “—how did Noah respond to my apology, Livvy?”

I smile sheepishly. “He said he didn’t have any idea what you were talking about.”

“Yep, that’s right. You wouldn’t talk to me for two days over imaginary hurt feelings.”

I purse my lips. “I still think he was too embarrassed to admit he was hurt. I saw the look on his face when you teased him.”

His eyes widen, but his grin stays fixed. “I can’t believe you. You will die on this hill. Almost five years later, you’re still protecting a guy you don’t even know for something he wasn’t even upset about.”

“Sensitive people don’t always say what they feel. I almost never speak up for myself when someone hurts me. For some reason, it’s easier to speak up for other people.”

Cole’s expression softens. “That’s why so many people trust you even when they aren’t super close to you. They know you’ll have their back no matter what. You’re an angel.”

Something about the way he says “angel” makes warmth wash over my whole body. He often calls me an angel, and I’ve never particularly liked it. It usually makes me feel like even more of a boring goody-goody than I know I am, but the way he said it this time…with heat and darkness in his voice. Goodness, he really is in a strange mood.

Something happened today. He’s upset, and he needs affection.

Cole looks beyond my shoulder. “I think we bored them with our reminiscing.”

My head darts to the side, and I see the two girls have drifted slightly away from us and are now engaged in their own conversation.

“Reminiscing isn’t really fun unless you’re a part of it,” I say.

“It’s okay. I really just want to hang out with you anyway.”

My stomach flutters. I just want to hang out with him too. I’m never more happy than when it’s just the two of us.

“Is something going on?” I ask. “You seem kind of down.”

His face falls, and he lifts his red cup to his lips. “Just shit with my parents, as usual.”

I nod slowly. “Is it about your new job? That you have to work for your dad soon, I mean?”

“We can talk about it later. I want to hear your news fir—”

“Livvy!”

I jerk in response to Mariana’s voice. She walks in our direction with a guy at her side, and I narrow my gaze on his face. He looks familiar. It’s only when he’s a few feet away that I recognize him as an old church friend.

“Cole,” Mariana calls out as she reaches us. “How did I not know before now that you’re friends with Travis? Livvy and I grew up with him. He went to our church.”

Cole’s brows draw together, and something that looks like panic fills his eyes. His head snaps in my direction. “Did you come here with Travis?”

I frown. “No…”

“No, I just ran into him,” Mari says.

I notice Cole’s shoulders soften at that.

What is going on?

Mari turns to me, pulling Travis’s arm. “Livvy, I think there’s a lot of potential here.” She lowers her voice so only I can hear her and adds, “He’s a Christian who fucks.”

I shoot wide eyes at her even as a smile rises to my lips. “Mari!” I admonish before glancing at Travis, who’s smiling at me.

“She told me you’ve never gotten drunk before,” he says, “and you’re looking to have a drunken make-out session. I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” His smile grows as he reaches out his hand for me to shake.

I reluctantly take it, resisting the urge to laugh at Mari’s tactics. I’m pretty sure this is more of an attempt to rattle Cole than to find me someone to kiss.

“What are you talking about?” Cole asks, his voice much firmer than it was before.

Mari shoots me a knowing smile before glancing at Cole. “Has she told you her news yet?”

“No, she hasn’t.” His eyes are hard when he turns to me. “Do you want to go somewhere private so we can talk?”

It sounds like much more of a command than a question. I shoot Mari an exasperated look, and she gives me a small, cheeky smile back.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I say.

“Good luck,” Mari mouths as Cole and I start walking in the direction of the guesthouse.

“Is she wasted?” Cole asks. “Why would she tell Travis you want to have a drunken make-out session?”

I exhale. “I’ll tell you when we get inside.”

He halts in his tracks and turns around, his tall form hovering over me. “So there’s some truth to it? What is going on?”

The alarm has returned to his voice, and it softens something inside my chest. His tone reminds me of my sister today on the beach. It’s disorienting when the people we love change, even when those changes don’t directly affect us.

Still, if he’s this freaked out over some drunken kissing, how is he going to react when I ask him to take my virginity?

I take a deep breath. “You know how I’ve been struggling with some aspects of my faith?”

“Yeah…” He doesn’t sound any less alarmed.

“Well, the bulk of it is really just the purity part. I don’t think it’s healthy for me. I’ve come to see the word ‘pure’ as loaded and toxic. It implies that I’m tainted if I explore my sexuality.”

“I’ve always kind of thought that, but—” He closes his mouth and averts his gaze from mine. “Sorry, I shouldn’t say things like that.”

A warm smile rises to my lips. He’s always been so gracious about my religion, even the more extreme aspects it. Before I met him, I thought atheists were devil worshippers. The respect he’s showed for my faith marvels me.

“It’s okay to agree with me,” I say. “It doesn’t mean you don’t respect my religion.”

He nods slowly, his eyes growing absent as he glances around the lawn. “What does this mean? Are you really going to…get drunk and make out with someone?”

“It’s more than that. I have a whole plan for this summer. I have so much fear associated with all of the things that normal college students do, like going to parties and kissing boys. I’ve decided I need to attack it head-on. I actually wrote a list.” It takes my fingers only a moment to find the crisp paper inside my purse. “Mari and Vanessa helped me with it.”

As I unfold the paper, his expression grows even more bewildered, but I press on. “These are all the things I plan to do by the end of the summer. I even set a deadline—September seventeenth. It’s the day before I start my senior year.”

I hand him the list so that I can let it do the explaining for me and spare me the embarrassment of having to say the last one aloud. Cole’s brows draw together as he takes it from my hand. His gaze darts over the paper, and my throat grows tight. What is he going to say when he sees the last item? When his eyes nearly pop out of his skill, my stomach churns.

Here we go.

“Livvy, what is this?” His voice is quiet and oddly empty.

“I’m calling it my impurity contract.”

His chest rises and falls rapidly, and his nostrils flare. He opens his mouth and closes it. He shuts his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, as if collecting himself. When he speaks again, his voice is much gentler. “I know it must be hard being so sheltered. Having your first kiss and getting drunk seem completely reasonable, but losing your virginity? In three months?”

“It probably seems drastic to you—”

“Drastic? It’s ******* insane! How are you going from your first kiss to losing your virginity in three months? You don’t even have a boyfriend!”

Heat washes over my face and my chest. “You have sex all the time, and you don’t want to be in a relationship at all.”

He takes another deep breath, lifts both hands, and runs his fingers through his dark hair. “That’s different.”

He’s clearly upset, so I won’t call him out on the unfairness of the double standard. I won’t tell him how even though his protectiveness warms me, it sometimes makes me feel like a child. Instead, I stand in silence, giving him a moment to calm down.

“How did this happen?” he eventually asks. “You’ve been adamant about saving yourself for marriage for as long as I can remember.”

I keep my voice very soft. “A lot of my adamancy came from fear, I think. Fear of being tainted, of disappointing God and my future husband. But I don’t think I can marry a man who only wants me if I’m pure, even if he was raised the way I was.”

He nods slowly.

“I want to live a full life,” I say. “I don’t want to deprive myself of experiences out of fear. I’m about to start my last year of college, and I want to live like every other college student. Like you and Zac and Mari do.”

“So is this like Rum-something? I can’t remember what it’s called. The thing Amish people do?”

“Um…” My brow knits. “Do you mean Rumspringa?” I clench my teeth to keep from smiling, not wanting to shame him for lumping all Christian religions together. How would I expect an atheist to understand the nuances? “That’s not something evangelicals do.”

“I know, but is it similar? Like, are you planning on getting all of this out of your system before you settle back into your religion?”

“No, it’s not like that at all. My faith is evolving. I’m still a Christian, just a different kind than I was raised to be.”

“Okay, but why are you doing it like this?” He lifts my contract. “Why not just wait until you find a guy you really like. A Christian guy who’s in the same place as you. Someone who believes in God but doesn’t want to wait until marriage either. Then you can get to know each other and go through these things at a normal pace.”

“No, that won’t work. I’ve already missed out on so much of college life, and I refuse to start my senior year still a ******. It’s time to face my fears. If I take it slow, I’ll never do it. I’ll end up waiting until I’m married to have sex, not because I want to, but because it’s the easiest route.” I point to the paper in his hand. “These things shouldn’t be scary or shameful, but they are to me, and with that fear comes all this baggage. Cole, I can’t even masturbate without feeling guilty afterward.”

His gaze snaps to my face, and his eyes grow wide. Even in the dusk, I can make out the brush of pink over his cheekbones.

I lower my gaze to the lawn. “Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s okay.” His voice has a raspy quality to it, and it makes me want to shrink inside myself. Jesus, help me, how am I going to ask him to take my virginity when he gets this awkward over hearing me say I masturbate.

“Livvy.” His tone is as firm as it’s been since we started this conversation. “This isn’t the way.”

My gaze snaps up. “What do you mean?

“I mean, doing all this before mid-September is a bad idea. You need to take it much, much slower.” He crosses his arms over his chest and stares down at me with hard dark eyes. “I won’t stand by and let you do something I know is going to make you miserable.”

My jaw clenches. I shouldn’t be upset. I knew Cole would do this at some point. He has a commanding disposition in general, but he’s especially bossy with me. I can’t blame him.

I’m an easy target.

I hate what his bossiness stirs within me. I hate that my first instinct is to submit to him. With effort, I lift my chin. “Why is that for you to decide? Why isn’t it enough for me to say this is right for me?”

His hard expression softens before he shuts his eyes. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

I set my hand on his arm. “I appreciate that you’re looking out for me, but I need you to trust me.”

His eyes pop open. “How is this right for you when you’re so shy? I intentionally kept this party really small—” he gestures over my shoulder, “—because I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed. How are you going to lose your virginity to a guy you barely know?”

Heat breaks out along my neck. It’s time to ask him, even if I’m dreading his response. “I was actually thinking of asking someone I know really well.”

His eyes widen in a look that could almost be described as horror, and then he looks away from me. “You mean you have someone in mind already?”

“Yeah.” My voice is faint.

The bulge on his throat rises and falls unsteadily. “Someone from your old church?”

“No.”

Jesus, help me. It’s now or never.

“Cole, I’m talking about you.”