Medical Advice

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old:1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.3. F***ing refreshes you.4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.5. Try f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy.6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.So remember, FASTING is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind!

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5 things American Movies Teach Us:

Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote Basketball/Baseball.

Aliens have special interest in attacking the U.S.

U.S. is a place where you can meet all mythical creatures like werewolves & vampires.

5 things Indian Movies teach us:

At least one of the identical twins is born evil.

While defusing a bomb, don't worry, whichever wire you cut... you always choose the right one.

A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up; but will show pain when a girl cleans up his wounds.

A detective can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.

The most hilarious one...

If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone you meet will know the steps.

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Stupid Students

TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence?CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo!TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of Nigeria?CHILDREN: Enugu!TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National Anthem?CHILDREN: D-Banj!TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?CHILDREN: 25!TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary!

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Vib rator-in-Law

A woman passed her daughter's room and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vib rator. Shocked, she asked why?

The daughter replied, "mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please, leave me alone."

Next day, the father heard the same buzz and upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query, the daughter again said, "dad I"m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vib rator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "what the f#*k are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

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He Says He's Too Smart For 2nd Grade, So His Teacher Puts Him To The Test

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."

The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to him.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the second grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36."

So, it went on like this. The principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason why Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agreed.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"

Johnny: "Legs."

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasped, but before he could stop him from answering, Johnny answered.

Johnny: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants."

Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a big sigh of relief and said: "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."

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Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny. The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Christ!" And fell back to sleep. A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the butt again and Sally screamed "oh my god!" And fell back to sleep. Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child. Johnny poked her in the butt and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time Im gonna break it!"

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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked. "My goldfish died and Im gonna bury him," Johnny replied. "Thats a really big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?" asked the neighbor. "Thats because hes inside your cat!"

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During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him. Teacher asks, "Johnny, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body." Little Johnny after thinking for a while says, "I saw a dead body cycling to school."

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What's Up

Johnny goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up?"She says "I have a boyfriend", Johnny says "I have a math test".The girl looks up and says "What's that got to do with anything?", Johnny replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

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The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will describe an object and the students will tell herwhat she had described.Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem." Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." "OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher?" Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!" Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for asecond, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it." Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!" Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!"

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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A Lawyer Tries To Trick A Chinese Doctor Into Giving Him $100

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

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Chocolate Store Magic

A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking around, the doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."

So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"

The shop boy replied, "Yes!"

The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"

The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."

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