Look deep into nature and you will understand everything better - Albert Einstein

Falls leaves are brown, and the sky is a cloudy jaded gray. A deep chill blows through the wind, a breath of thick used air fills my lungs. The scene was a beauty. It was truly autumn. My favorite season. I sat on old rusted train tracks. It was rough against my old dark blue jeans. They were orange and a dark green and disgusting as father time had doomed them to an endless rot. The place I sat had a warmth from the sun, but the trees across the way just barely blocked the rays of sunshine from my eyes. I read my book, I started it two days ago and I was already on the last few pages. A blaring horn of ringing fills my ear, it disrupts my reading as it shoots a chill up my spine that sets a quick burn into my face. It was the train. It came once on Saturday, twice on Wednesday. I closed my book and was cautious to not fold a page by accident. I stood to face the bright orange sunset. The mountains that wove like waves of the ocean stood tall with numerous trees. The sun cut my eyes causing a squint. I walked carefully next to the train, its wind of speed barreling at me. Me and the train were at opposites. The train blows so fast it could make your head spin. I was different, I had kept a peaceful walk right next to it, though careful not to fall to the steepness of the hill next to me. It headed east towards the factory’s of agony to the world. While I strolled west towards the peace and happiness of the orange forest, fluttering of leaves and life. Me and the train were like yin and yang, good and evil a heavenly devil,like Hyena and hound, but after all these years I still don’t know which one of us is good the protagonist of the grand story

and which one of us is evil, the antagonist. Except I have a problem, I cannot feel that's why I cannot see the difference between good and evil, because of my perception of reality. Looking at me from afar I’m just like everyone else, even upon closer scrutiny you would not find anything out of the ordinary with me. I'm a boy, dirty blonde hair, manly face and a deep voice. I often wore black T-shirt with a jean jacket overcoat with either blue jeans or sweats. You can look me in the eyes and you can see that there is some part of us that is similar, some part of us that is the same. We are both human but that is the only similarities we share as I don't comprehend or understand human emotions. Little would most know my mother had died three night's before, she was killed by a horrible monster. A monster far beyond human understanding. And I was newly orphaned because of the death of my dad a year prior. My whole family is dead but I remain unfazed. Am I the worst form of evil or am I the grand good of the world? Was I one of the pollution’s poisoning the world or the vaccine curing it. Eventually the train subsided it's black smog it produced still remained, there was no more train blocking my path so I returned to the track. I wonder who built the track, he built the track that runs equipment and fuel across the city, by hand and tool, pouring his time he could have used on anything, but no one knows his name. No one ever will. They say if you make a difference in a life that your legacy never dies, you only die when your name is spoken the last time. Well the man who built the road's legacy is dead, and his name will remain useless and unspoken. The wind would pick up with a howl, dirt flew and trees bent leaking their leaves down upon us, I squinted my eyes as their moisture was sucked by the wind, my ears hissed and burned at the sudden air that bled in. I took a deep heavy breath, it dried my throat.

"Why don’t I feel?" my mind rumbled.

"Why didn’t I care," I thought as my feet skipped across the ground my eyes focused in the distance.

"Why, why would a forgiving God curse me with this endless toucher"

"I am a monster?", nothing can convince me I’m good or even anything at all. My whole family has died, my best friend killed herself and Im am alone. Karma, the universe's balance is far from balanced. Murders, child predators, rapists and more are worse than I yet they are free of karma. Why? Why has the universe punished me? Why am I cursed to wander the world lacking a soul lacking everything. I'm not even human anymore. Soon I would see my house as I had not walked far, but did I want that. To return to a place we’re my problems and suffering continues. It's not even my house, the man and woman who one resided there dead, gone forever. I wanted to remain in the forest and forget. Forget everything, everything that had wounded my mind and start blank.

"Finally I would feel again" I thought. I finally approached my house as those thoughts of leaving my life behind rumbled, as if they were a million spiders in my brain. Until I realized, I of all people’s dreams can’t come true, and the thoughts returned to the darkness from where they came. I checked the mailbox, many unpaid bills, taxes, and utilities that would remain piled and useless only to return to the earth when time came. I opened my old broken wood door. It creaked and cluttered, almost falling off its hinges. Mother always wanted to fix the door, but after father died she never did. Thought I believe the death of my father was a suicide. He was too smart for his own good. I fear I'll end up like him or that I already have. He never displayed emotions. Eventually he knew too much about mankind and the universe he drove himself insane. He left one day and was found in a river twelve days later. After twelve days that's when the body becomes unrecognizable, the bloat of the body almost causes it to burst, and that liquid build up causing the bloat will escape in any way possible his mouth puked a red puss liquid. These thoughts caused me to wander around the house thinking and pondering. I found myself on the couch in the living room. I just layed, what the overall goal and purpose of living. I no longer have a draw to life, a string or a connection that over all leads me back to the almighty force. Only death, only the dark, the end that’s all I desire, that's all I felt nearer and comforted by. An end goal that killed me and I didn’t understand it. I want to feel, I beg for it if only pain I would choose it a million times over this. I want to be in hell where I can suffer forever because it had more of a purpose than this. Every day I look in the mirror and I see a monster looking back at me. Jesse Chapman the evil, the unfelt, the ungodly, and the unwell. I’m in the ninth grade 15 years old, I’m young, very young in fact, how have I failed. I am a failure. Yet it didn't bother me. I haven’t been to school, or anywhere. Besides my walks I lay here and waist away in a room filled with my thoughts and past. The room was my living room. An old room filled with my parents is now empty and has nothing in it besides me. It's useless, pointless. All I do is sit here and waste away. I have absolutely ******* nothing, a lack of feeling, existence and belonging. I’m going to school tomorrow. I was there for the first couple days until I stopped going out of lack of interest or forgetfulness. I forgot which happened first. I was already familiar with the school and I have nothing else to do but waste my time until one day while I’m walking the wind picks up and blows me away, returning me to nature. I’m going to sleep. I think? I sleep, rarely dream. I drift in the dark of my mind, not much different from my awakeness. Sometimes I like to think I’m always dreaming, and one day I’ll wake up and feel emotion. When I drift off to sleep I like to think about a life that is better, a perfect world, today all I could think of was. Eventually my eyes cracked open, the clock on the wall read 3:24am, I had woken up far too early. I sat up, my feet resting on the cold hardwood floor and I stared into the wall. My mind is empty. My thoughts . I looked at the wall, dark as it was due to the lack of lighting caused by unpaid electric bills. I saw the wall, I thought of nothing else. I didn’t move a muscle, I was almost paralyzed by my focus. A slave to the pain again. Hours passed, and I and the wall still remained. I could even imagine a wall anymore. I wanted to move not to do anything but to just prove that I could but I didn’t. I thought about moving, even the muscles in my limbs tighten to do so but nothing, not even a finger. Suddenly the clock struck 6:00am with a chime and I rose in an instant. My feet decided it was time. Not only could I not control my life but even my body had taken a stride of their own. Then I realized it was time for school. I wandered to my backyard, where I grew many flowers. I got a freshly dried shirt and pants from the string. They were still slightly stained as these were old. I entered back inside though a empty door frame as no actual door was there. The door had fallen off when mother broke it in a fit of rage broke it. I took of my clothes from the night before. I stared at my skin, my skin was rough. I covered my skin with the new clothing. A gray shirt and a black unzipped jacket and jeans. I wandered in my bathroom to brush my teeth, the toothpaste tasted cold and chalky. I looked into the mirror, the monster looked back at me, he looked blankly at me. I walked outside after grabbing my backpack from the hook on the front door, then closed the door and locked it carefully because despite nobody living close to me I still locked my door out of habit. I walked by the old trees and broken empty houses. The houses were abandoned and relics of the past. I eventually found my way to the bus stop. It was at the end of my street. I was the only person there, it was empty. The leaves that crunched under my feet, the happy smell of the fall air. It was beautiful. The bus arrived, it was a nice yellow with a thick black stripe that lined it. The bus was practically glowing. I got on the bus and the bus driver didn’t bat an eye, neither did all of the kids. I was a ghost in a sea of a popularity contest where there were no winners, only people who think they won just to find out it means nothing as the school aspect of your life passes and you realize it was just a blockade to your adulthood. I walked to the back and sat next to a girl. I didn’t know her, she didn’t know me. Her hair was auburn red and stretched down past her back as the side rests on her shoulders and traveled down here chest. Her emerald eyes sparkled and her skin of ivory was perfectly clear. She had a scar above her left eye. It was the only imperfection on her, though I would much rather see the window to the outside that passed in which she was blocking, than her face. I looked at the window looking past her, I could feel her eyes glance at me, her eyes were beautiful but they could stare holes in you. “Are you new here?” she said with a smile. Her smile reminds me of spring. I didn’t know how to answer her, I enjoyed the view and I hated interruption

“Yes” I looked her dead in the eyes, I wanted to express emotion so as to not appear as a robot but I simply was not there, I was blank inside and out. She looked me up and down, not in a disgusted way, but as if she were looking for something. I felt like she could see my soul and it chilled me, she looked into my eyes with an equal as ghostly look as mine. She looked as. She batted her eyes out the window. "Well here we are," she said as the bus came to a screeching halt. "Talk to you later" she said as she smiled and waved. As we stood up she bumped my leg. I began walking to the door to get off the bus. As I got off people began to look at me, unlike how in which I got on where they pretend I was a ghost, now I was a walking corpse to their minds once again. What could have changed in all of them I have no clue, I only knew their eyes were of daggers. I slowly stepped out of the bus as the tall school looked back down on me. The school looked ill. I knew a building couldn't be sick or have an illness, but one look at this place it was built by stone or brick but by blood. It was long and divided into three sections. This I had already known prior. I was supposed to be in building three, because I was in 9th grade. Soon after several minutes of walking and getting lost I found it. It looked like hell. I found my way inside, it swarmed with people. I looked around my eyes batting left and right then I began walking. Didn't know where, I didn't even know where I was or where I should be going so I just walked. I walked by the principal, his shirt that read "Principal 3" didn't know what the three stood for. He looked almost ghostly, he was tall with brown hair but he was almost radiant with uncanny, he was just off. I soon made it to my class, history. By one look at the teacher I could tell he was a sad sack of shit. He immediately got into a lesson, he clearly wasn't a man for introduction. He spoke of the industrial revolution, my father had already taught me of this already, and much more in depth than this balding man ever could. I often think of my father, every day in fact. He's the reason I'm alive. When my mother gave birth to me I was a missborn, a mistake, it was one of her favorite names for me. The second I had been delivered in her parents' bathroom as he had me when she was young, she stabbed me in the arm and was only stopped from killing me because father held her back. He didn't want me either but he thought it was a horrible sin to kill a new born child with no understanding of the world. I'm very familiar with this story, she loved it, she took pride in almost killing me. I knew it was a true story because the scar on my right arm reminded.

I rarely saw her smile, she only would when she would dig her blade into her skin like a wild animal digging into their prey, and when she would bleed she would stick a sickening grin. Father told her to stop all the time and she would, but once he died she only slept and cut herself. My mother yelled about how I was a demon child, a useless hound, and I should have died that day I was born. How she was happy my father died because he was the man who stopped her from killing the devil she birthed. I am the demon child, I am the missborn. I am the hound.