When you're in love with someone you've known for less than a month, it’s hard not to fall in love.

It takes some time and patience, but you eventually manage to find your way into the heart of the most wonderful person you have ever met.

but in my case it's not the same thing. sometimes I wonder am I the only one whom he can't see or.....he don't want to see.

If you don't want me then please don't mess with my feelings.

I know we've been married for such a long time that i know what you mean when you say you don't wanna hurt anyone else.

But if you think this is going anywhere then please stop pretending.

I hate the idea of being alone all the time.

Sometimes i wish that i could just go back to when everything was alright.

That's when things were simple, back in the days where it was nice to live like this.

And i miss those times.

But i guess I don't need to tell him any of that.

Because i already knew how much he cares about me.

And i would do anything for him.

Even though we barely see each other anymore, there isn't a day where we don't spend time together.

We even have our own private little place in the school grounds.

The only problem is that i can't seem to find him.

Every time i look around the place he isn't here.

I've tried calling him but all of his phone numbers are unlisted.

So i can't call him and ask why he won't come to me.

But as always he'll just smile at me and tell me that he'll be right over.

As always, I end up waiting for him.

and wait.

and wait.

Until the sun sets, leaving me to be left behind by myself.

the darkness is so soothing, and it brings me some peace.

if i didn't know better, i'd think that i'm having a really good night's sleep.

but no, tonight will be a bad night.

for once i'm scared for something.

i wish i had someone with me right now.

someone whose presence calms me down and gives me a sense of safety.

my eyes scan the dark sky, hoping and praying to hear an answer from the stars.

But nothing comes out.

instead the sound of footsteps approaching me startle me.

i turn around quickly, not wanting him to find me like this.

the only thing i expect is my husband Ash,

the man I admire for more than anything walks towards me.

"hey babe",

his voice is soft, like a feather falling on water.

but there's a hint of worry in his tone which makes me frown.

he knows I am afraid to lose the only one person i have ever cared for.

so whenever he calls my name he doesn' t sound worried.

he sounds happy...almost.

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"what's up? are you okay?"

it's a genuine question,

a true question.

as I watch his face he doesn't give any indication that i should answer him.

but i think I know why he came here.

because he doesn' t trust me either.

he doesn' t want to talk to me,

he probably doesn' t want me near him.

"do you want to go home?".

there's a faint worried look on his face, as if he is trying to hide something from me.

but I see it,

all of it.

"no...i think i'll stay here".

he looks surprised by my answer,

but doesn' t show it.

I hope i haven't made him uncomfortable,

that he has enough of me.

after all he's probably tired of me,

I don't blame him,

I've spent most of these nights sitting here.

staring at the blank wall and thinking about the past,

about the man who is my life.

sometimes I just feel so lonely...

like i deserve to be alone.

Even though we're together we still can't see eachother.

but he doesn't mind,

not really.

he loves spending time with me.

and maybe that's why he doesn' t care whether or not i'm here or not.

he probably feels safe knowing that i'll never leave his side.

or is this a selfish reason?

does he prefer spending time with me while i am alone?

that's probably the biggest lie in the entire universe.

"are you sure baby?".

is all he asks.

"yes."

and he does.

as soon as i told him, he grabbed my hand and led me inside our home.

we sit on the sofa and cuddle up to each other.

as we lay there, he holds me like i might break at any given moment.

and honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if i did.

I know i've done something wrong and that's why he doesn't want me anymore.

maybe i'm too much.

too loud.

too needy.

too messy.

Maybe he doesn't like me after all.

I don't wanna hurt his feelings,

that would ruin all of us.

maybe I shouldn't have asked for a family to begin with.

and when it all ended in a big bang, maybe this is how it goes.

with no one left standing,

just debris left and broken hearts everywhere.

this is definitely how it ends.

this is definitely how i die.

but he keeps hugging me and telling me that everything is gonna be okay,

that i'll forget about it tomorrow,

when we both realize that there is nothing left for us.

and i believe him.

because even though I love him,

it hurts a lot, seeing that he doesn't trust me.

And i know it's my fault that our relationship is deteriorating.

maybe it'll be okay.

if i pretend that nothing happened.

maybe someday he'll get use to it.

then maybe he'll finally let me go.

but until then he's holding me,

telling me that he loves me,

and it reminds me of all the things we had.

of the promises that he made.

of the promises that he broke,

when he started dating her.

of the dreams that he kept.

of all of that.

all of them.

and now we're laying in our bed.

together.

like we always have.

except now we don't share the warmth.

instead there's a feeling of coldness between us.

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I think i'm starting to understand him.

and he starts to understand me.

and i wonder if he regrets it.

if he wishes he hadn't fallen in love with me.

i feel him move next to me.

and he pulls me into his chest.

like he's protecting me from the outside world.

from the world that he wants to destroy with his words.

he says they won' t happen again,

they won' t happen again.

but they will.

they will eventually happen.

and when they do,

i'll be able to leave this world.

the one that i live in with him.

without him.

it scares me.

Why is he not loving me anymore?

i don' t know how much longer we'll be together.

how many months are left before we die.

but even without him I want to leave this world,

go somewhere better.

to live somewhere where the darkness doesn't exist.

where the light never appears.

where everyone's dreams are real.

where no one's lies can reach us.

where we can truly rest and have a normal life.

where we don' t have to worry about anything or anyone.

where nobody knows us.

where nothing can hurt us.

where i can finally stop fighting for happiness with my heart.

where i can finally rest.

i close my eyes,

trying not to think of anything but him.

i know i'll fall asleep eventually.

when i wake up he'll be gone.

he'll probably be on his way to see another woman.

another beautiful woman.

and i'll try not to feel upset,

I' ll try not to feel angry with myself.

I'll try not to cry when the sunlight shines through my window.

I' ll try to be happy again.

Because there isn't a single thing he could do to change the fact that I'm not going anywhere.

I won't be going anywhere.

Not yet.

And I don' t know if i'll be alive tomorrow.

but for today, i can stay.

Just for today, i can stay.

For one second.

For one second of peace.

One minute.

just one hour.

one day

One day, it's gonna happen again.

One Day.

It's happening again.

This morning,

There's a voice screaming at me to keep running...keep moving forward...

Keep running.

But it's not what i want to do.

I'm not strong enough to run anymore...I've lost too much weight.

My feet are stuck, tangled in the grass that surrounds me.

I can't escape it.

The hands hold onto my body so tightly, squeezing every breath i take away.

They squeeze my throat so hard, making it difficult to breathe.

Their grip is painful, and it hurts to breath.

My legs shake beneath me, trying to stand back up, but I can't even lift my head.

All I can do is lie motionless under their grasp.

The pain is unbearable.

A deep red is seeping out of my mouth, spilling across my lips. Blood gushes out of my nose and drips down my chin.

I can't breathe.

I can't see anything but red.

It surrounds me, wrapping its arms around me and embracing me.

And as I lie motionless underneath its grasp, I think that I'm dying.

I can taste blood in my mouth, I can feel the pain as it burns through me.

I don't want this anymore. I want to be free.

I want to stop hurting.

This feeling....it makes me sick.

It makes me want to die.

But I can't...

I can't.

I want this. It hurts.

So badly.

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