...“Lonely”...

I opened my eyes & realize that I fell asleep here last night while crying. I'm sitting at the corner of nightstand of my bedroom while grabbing my knees in my arms to protect myself from shiver & darkness wishing me good morning with it's faint smile.

The dark olive green curtains are blocking the sunlight's way to reach til me. The sunlight is hitting every border of curtain, but can't hit me. I rested my head on the edge of nightstand, still staring at the curtain.

There's nothing to wonder, my every night end like this & my morning begin from here.

My eyes became so puffy, Maybe 'cause of crying too much, but It's not completely my fault, as I'm born to be like this. I always wonder why only I'm like this, but not now.

I'm not really interested in knowing everything 'cause the more I got to know, the more it hurts.

I feel so cold on my nose like it's covered with icebergs. I cover my nose with my hand & it's the same, cold like my body.

My whole embrace is so cold, every corner, every part of my body is so cold.

I stand up & went near the curtain then I aside it a little, the warm sunshine touched my hand & it's so warm. My whole body shiver a little as a current flew into my whole body.

I want to hug it. I want to wrap it around my body. I want to feel this kind of warmth against my body so that I'll ended up melting into its embrace.

I dream unexpected things a lot, right?

I opened the curtain & Now my whole body is in the embrace of warm sunshine.

I closed my eyes & my lips curved into a happy smile.

What if I get this same warmness from a person?

Is this possible?

Is this ever gonna happen in my life?

These are the question I'm asking from myself & my fate & I'm still seeking its answer. I want to know its answer, but there's no one to listen my queries & to tell me it's answer.

I tied up my hair into a bun & then I went downstairs. I want to go California & for this I have to seek permission from my Mom, but I don't know where she is?

Maybe, she's in her office, in meeting room or somewhere out of country.

I don't know the right answer. She never informs me anything. I want to call her, I can't find my voice like it got lost somewhere. Somehow, I manage to found it & finally I shouted loudly, “Mom, where are you?”.

Like always I didn't get any answer but then I heard someone's voice from kitchen & It's nanny, who has been looking after me all these years.

“She's not here. She had an important meeting so she left early.“, she replied in her soft but pitched voice.

“When is she coming back?”, I asked with a frown in my face.

“Maybe, in the mid-evening.“, she replied while cutting the veggies. “Do you need anything?”, she asked while making sure if I have any important work with her or not.

“Nothing.”, I replied while entering the kitchen.

I leaned back against the counter of groceries while my eyes were staring at the weird design printed on the ceiling.

“Are you hungry?”, she asked with her calmest tone.

“Yes, just a little.”, I closed my eyes as those prints made me remember the brutal truth of me. The red printed ivy leaves design started to dance into my mind & soon turned into the blood drops dripping from my hand.

Blood dripping from my hands : it gently tracing it' way, down my arm, jolting at the curves till staining my wrist & palm finally dripping down from my nails; painting my nails with red, dark red color, embracing my hands & turning me into an evil ruined, messed up soul.

“Aria! .......... Aria!”, she shouted my name plenty of times but my mind was so engrossed into the memories of my past, into my true evil self. I chuckled at the word of ‘evil self’ as I opened my eyes & diverted my attention back to the most gentle & kind lady.

“Are you feeling right?”, she asked while turning of the stove. I can feel the true concern into her words, but who knows if they are real or just a silly pretend.

Maybe, she also hates me for that reason. I don't even know that reason. I don't know which kind of sin I did? But Nanny, she never blame me for anything nor touched me in my entire existence. I'm untouched til the day I realize the cruelty of my existence. I'm untouched from last 7 years as I'm curse or maybe I never allowed them to.

She loves me, maybe. I'm not so sure.

Maybe, It's all fake, but for living I have to consider it as real. I'm totally unaware of the truth about me.

Maybe, I know, but I don't want to believe it.

It hurts me more than my Mom's cold behavior.

Her that cold look, her cold tone everything hurts me.

I was lost in her thoughts, but I came back into reality when I felt a slight pull at the hem of my sleeve & she was standing at a few distance from me & her eyes were directly looking mine; those busty black eyes hiding there soft corner for me.

“Go wait there, I'll bring it”.

“hn.”, I replied with a pale smiley face & went towards the dinning table.

I was waiting for Nanny, but suddenly I heard a deep siren & I got flinched because of it.

I saw Nanny running towards me & she held the hem of my sleeves while pulling me upstairs so hastily.

I don't know the reason every time whenever this siren beeps, I have to hide myself somewhere, where no one can find me. Once I asked Nanny about this & she said it's for my safely, but Why I need this safely & from whom I want to save myself?

No one ever told me this. She pushed me into a library & then “Don't come out until I came back to bring you out from here.”, she said in tensed voice.

I was about to ask her the reason, but before that she locked the door & I saw her appearance turning into blank black door.

I turn around towarda the shelves & tried to find something suitable for diverting my mind, but I can't found anything then I went near the backside of wall.

It is decorated with so many leaves & I slightly pushed it & it directly opened into my room.

I know its surprising & mysterious, but I liked it.

Every time whenever I feel bored, I came here & read all my favorite books. In all these 7 years I finished almost 2,555 books; all having almost or more than 350 pages means minimum 894,250 pages in all these years.

I like reading books, these are my only Best friends.

Only they understand me & my miseries & they also replied my every query with their amazing & deep meaning words.

In my room, I sat on chair while looking out from window. The outside veiw is so charming; distant, endless sky embracing the small patches of clouds, embracing the endless rays of sun, embracing every sin of this earth.

The alarm is still beeping.

&

I don't know why?............

_________________________________________________

Author : Hello dear readers! I hope you are enjoying first chapter. I know it's not so long but please support if you like it & it's my first novel, so I apologize for mistakes. Bye.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I opened my eyes & I was in a dark room.

My legs & hands, both are tied, tightly on chair.

But I can hear someone's footsteps approaching me. My eyes are blinking more than a million times. My whole body got freeze. I can't even move a bit. But still my hands, my legs are trembling in fear. I can hear dark, deep whispers...

But I Can't do anything. I know it's not real.

Likewise, Furthermore, It's sleeping paralysis.

It's sleeping paralysis.

I got sleeping paralysis.

But It haunts me more than anything. My breath stopped when I felt a strange & cold touch on my shoulder. It's making me shiver more. My tears are rolling down.

I want to come back into Reality....

I want to come back in reality...

Please, help me....

Please!

My tears are flowing like rain. I want to scream loudly, I want to jerk his hand, I just want to wake up.

But his whispers are echoing all over my ears. It's running into my blood veins. It's increasing my heartbeat.

He's touching me.

He's touching all over my body.

Feels like my brain nerves is going to burst anytime.

I'm feeling dizzy.

My head is spinning.

SAVE Me.!!

I screamed out loudly.

& I got up from bed. Thankfully, I got released. I'm fine nothing happened to me.

Look, Aria you're fine.

I want Mom, please I want her.

These thoughts are drowning me deeper into this hell. I want to run away from this hell. I want to escape from this scary hell.

I want to go away from myself. It's killing me.

My head is spinning, aching.

Ahhhhhh!

A sharp pain ran up into my brain then diverted down to my body.

It's making me insane.

Please save me.

I hold my head tightly. Those scary, deep, dirty whispers are echoing in my ear. It's running in my mind. I fell down on my knees. I can't bear it anymore.

“Ahhhh!”

“Ahhhh!“

“AHHHHHHHH!”

I started screaming badly. My screams are the only thing I can do for saving myself.

No one is going to listen me.

I know no one is going to listen me.

Still I'm screaming till my throat got soared. I fell down by resting my back with wall & I grab my knees closer to me while resting my hands on my ankles. I can feel my cheeks are dry & my tears; dead. I can feel the dryness on my both cheeks.

My eyes are aching,

My throat is aching,

My head is aching,

My whole body is paining but no one is here to cure my pain. There's no one who can heal me, who can cure my wounds. No one is here to hear my screams. No one is here to comfort me, to calm me, to hug me.

I'm longing for a warmth embrace. I'm dying for comfort. I want to run away from here, now.

Somehow I managed to stand straight & I aside the curtain a little & It's morning.

Mom, doesn't care about me.

She doesn't care, If I'm alive or dead.

Nanny, she also just pretend to care about me, but in reality she doesn't!

No, you're thinking wrong.

Everyone cares for you.

Mom & Nanny both loves you.

You are their world & no one can let their world shatter, so easily.

They can't destroy you.

They can't.

Tears are shedding off, again. I'm trying to hold my sobs & I'm arguing with myself. I always have to fight with myself. My really enemy is me.

I'm my own enemy. I'm my own destroyer. I'm my own curse. I'm the reason of my bad luck.

Happiness never stay with me for a long time.

She always runs like I'm a devil. She hates me.

I can't live a normal life. No, I can't.

I just want to go Californian, as soon as possible otherwise these nightmares are not going to let me live peacefully.

But what if after going there it doesn't stop?

What if they keep haunting me.

No, I want to leave this body.

I want to run out alone with my soul.

I hate my body. It makes me feel disgust.

Will I ever be able to run from it?

From My Past? Which is still haunting me.

I went out to downstairs & saw Nanny was doing dusting & all, but I chuckle sadly as I'm all alone.

There's no one to hear my scream which makes me bleed out with its silence. Which is digging its scariest & deepest hole inside me.

I'm afraid, What if they turn me completely insane?

What if I don't stay what I'm?

What if I really get lost in this darkness?

Will someone ever get me out of that darkness?

Is there's anyone who can do this?

As always I'm lost in my own thoughts, but I came back into reality when I heard Nanny's voice.

Her voice grabbed my all attention as always.

“Are you hungry?” she asked me while putting things at table. “You didn't even ate anything yesterday?” she added it with her question.

Her tone is really tensed. Her face is pale, seems like she's worried about me.

Is it true, or she's just pretending to be?

I'm asking so many questions from myself & I have 2 different answers, as always.

Ist is, She really do.

2nd is, She doesn't.

I'm always trapped in my own answers. I can't see someone completely bad nor completely good.

I'm having a deep conversation in my mind but I flinched & my breath stopped when I felt someone's touch on my shoulder.

But I exhaled when I realize she's Nanny.

“Sorry, I made you flinch.”, she said in sad tone like she regretted touching me & I want to hug her badly. 'Cause I know I need it badly, this time. But I don't know if I have to do, or not! I was still dealing with my confusion, when I felt a roughness against my hands as she held them into hers & like always she is wearing black leather gloves for my safety or for her own.

“I'm sorry, I c-can't help yo-you in this.” she said in cracking sound like she's holding her sob.

“It's not your fault. I'm my own curse. No one can stop it.” I said in sad tone but tried my best to not seem too sad, As it hurts my Nanny.

I'm indeed a devil, a selfish. How can I think so bad about her?!. She has been staying by my side but It's hurt when she didn't come to stop me. When she pretends like she didn't hear anything.

She pulled me towards dinning table & pulled chair a little to help me into settling down.

I sat down & she served me food in my plate.

It's steak of kidney beans with a green juice. It's smells like a mixture of Bitter Guard & Neem.

I don't like the juice but Kidney beans are my favorite. I can't resist them. I'm still staring at food.

But I hear her words, “I'm sorry, but Ma'am ordered me to gave you this everyday with breakfast. Bu-“ she stopped & rub my back “But if you don't want to drink it them no one will force you.”, she added to complete her sentence.

I didn't answer anything & started drinking it in one gulp. Finally, I can eat my favorite breakfast, now.

She sat beside me & told me to drink it slowly, but I just wanted to finish it, as soon as possible.

Manga toon is not passing its review. So, I'm uploading its images & it's my story, my idea, so please don't copy it. I waited for so long, but manga toon is not passing it & he didn't even tell me the reason. And I don't think he's going to tell me the reason. I upload it on 19th of April but now it's been two days & it's not telling me anything or passing its review.

Ignore it ......

Ignore it..

 I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

"Don't forget me, " I beg

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised in a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

"Don't forget me, " I begged

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

"Don't forget me, " I beg

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

"Don't forget me, " I begged

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Ignore it.....

Heartbeat

Is comin' in so strong

Oh, if you don't stop

I'm gonna need a second one

Oh, there's somethin' I've been meaning to

Say to you, baby (hold that thought)

Yeah, there's somethin' I've been meaning to

Say to you, baby, but I just can't do it

What a call, moving in

I feel like I can loosen my lips (come on so strong)

I can summarize it for you (ah)

It's simple and it goes like this

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

In love with you, I-I-I-I (yeah)

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I (yeah)

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

In love with you (I-I-I-I-I)

She's got a broadsheet

Reading down the list of the going wrongs (oh, yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'm gettin' no sleep

Tossin' and turnin' all night long (yeah)

Oh, there's somewhere I've (somewhere I've) been meaning to (meaning to)

Take the conversation (hold that thought)

Oh yeah, there's somewhere I've (somewhere I've) been meaning to (meaning to)

Take the conversation, but I just can't do it

You show me your (you show me your) black girl thing (black girl thing)

Pretending that I know what it is (I wasn't listening)

Apologize, and you meet my eyes

Yeah, it's simple and it goes like this

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I (ayy)

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

In love with you, I-I-I-I

Yeah, I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I (yeah)

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I (yeah)

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I-I

And yeah, I got it, I found it

I've just gotta keep it

"Don't **** it, you muppet"

It's not that deep

But I've been counting my blessings

Thinking this through

It's like, one, two, yeah

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I (oh, yeah)

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I (hey)

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

I'm in love with you, I-I-I-I

In love with you (I-I-I-I-I)

Ignore it..

 I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

"Don't forget me, " I beg

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised in a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

"Don't forget me, " I begged

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

"Don't forget me, " I beg

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

"Don't forget me, " I begged

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Ignore this...... (above)

First

2nd

3rd

4th

Fifth

Sixth

Seventh

Eighth

Last Nineth