Now, here I stood, on the rooftop of my school at 11 pm, leaning over the edge, staring at the ground below me. Inches kept me apart from the edge and the crazy hallucinations that ran through my mind. Insanity was my sanity's reality when he was not with me.

A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them, brushing through my hair. It nearly felt as if he was running his hand through my hair, gently playing with it. I took a deep breath, staring at the rising moon. Soon it would fully cover the sky and shine over the city, engulfing it in its graceful charm full of warmth and comfort for those who seek it.

Oh, how beautiful it had shown that night, but no matter how beautiful this sight was, it would never be able to outshine your eyes. No matter how gorgeous the moon has shone, it would never compete with the glow hidden deep within your eyes, nothing could compete with that beauty hidden deep within your eyes. Those gorgeous ocean-blue orbs that I could get lost in, nothing could ever come close to the way they used to shine.

Every time I stared into them, they offered me a new world, a realm I desired and cherished, a domain with no pain and suffering, a perfect world, a world of perfection. My desire to dive into your world and rest there, falling into a deep slumber and discovering its secrets that hide themselves in the shadows of your heart - I want to find them all. All your secrets, all your pain, all your happiness, they should all lay transparent to me, offering to engulf me softly and tear me apart harshly. But, instead, I wished for nothing but to share your pain, to be your own. Nothing could fulfill me as you did.

So I dared to wish I could see you once more. I dared to hope I could look into your eyes one more time and see them outshine everything and everyone around them. I dared to desire nothing more than your presence around me. Daring to give up everything and sacrifice myself, I wanted to be yours one last time. Just one last time, one last time…

"I love you, Ciel. I love you with all my heart."

I took one step closer to the edge, daring to smile as I recalled your gorgeous bright smile. A smile I had broken with my own two hands. Regret was more than an understatement of what I had felt then. But even though my heart was filled with regret, my head felt light, and no thoughts ran wild in my head. Silence, the silence surrounding me, was all that could be heard. At last, all the voices in my head started to quiet down.

Ultimately, it was silent.

So, this is what peace feels like. It feels so lovely.

Daring to enjoy the peace I was offered, my desire for this feeling to last grew, and my will to do anything necessary to be at peace forever nagged at me, nagging at my sanity and mentality. Insanity was all that was left for me. My longing for peace and him would continuously grow and grow into a world of joy and fright. Fright to lose him and my sanity, but also happiness for the relief of loss - these reigning powers clashed deep within my soul, leaving no trace of peace within it.

All the doubt I felt suddenly vanished when I took one more step and stood one step closer to the edge. My mind was at its peak, and my unstable mentality calmed down, creating beautiful harmony in my heart, a peace so desirable to me it was driving me to insanity.

A tiny tear then slowly ran down my cheek. It felt warm. The trace it had left burned. My cheek was burning. It felt like it was on fire.

That tingly feeling reminded me of you. It awakened memories we shared. Your touch had always left a similar sensation on my skin, a temptation to devour you whole, an attraction to guard your fragile being forever—a trick I refused to give in to, leaving nothing but regret and grief within my heart. There was nothing left aside from that.

A small chuckle escaped my mouth as one specific thought crossed my mind.

You'd laugh at me for being this weak. If you could see me now, wouldn't you, Ciel? Your laugh, oh, how much I would give to hear it one more time…how much joy it would give me to listen to it one last time. Yeah, one last time would be enough… just one last time…

"We'll see each other again, even if it's just one last time. I promise…"

I said, laying down my pledge. To me, this pledge was a chain, a chain holding me back, a chain pulling me down. A power reigning over my actions - a power so great that one would not dare disobey its calls and demands.

I looked at the starry sky, admiring its charm and freedom. No boundaries restricted its beauty. Reaching its peak and full potential seemed to be no task it could not fulfill with success. It was tinged in purple and a deep marine blue, creating a beautiful dark gradient filled with the harmony of colors. The white fluffy clouds engulfed its admirable look and helped it reach the top of this world. This should have been me. Instead of harshly ripping him apart, I should have helped him get his full blossom.

"I'm sorry, Ciel...I wish to atone for my sins by serving you in the afterlife."

My whispers vanished in the wind as I lowered my voice, silently accepting my sins.

The appeal the moon emitted comforted the wild storm ripping my heart apart. It offered me comfort and security. Finally, my craving for comfort was fulfilled. The fulfillment I felt only grew the closer I stepped toward the edge.

…

'This is only your fault. He would still be alive if it weren't for you, you bastard!'

'You are the reason he died.'

'I wish it was you who had died instead of him.'

'I'm not mad. I am only ashamed that you are my son.'

'An asshole stays an asshole forever.'

'You will never be more than what you are now, a miserable murderer - so mark my words, Michael, Karma will come and avenge Ciel.'

…

I leaned forward, stepping off the edge and smiling, feeling my body fall and glide through the air. My body felt light, so light as if it was floating. It felt as if I had been freed. I was free at last.

I closed my eyes as soon as I saw the ground approaching…

"Another suicide, huh?"

I heard a deep voice say. Its words echoed through the room, sending shivers down my spine. The cold aura surrounding me scared me. I was terrified of what was happening and who was talking to me.

The destructive damage caused to my body when it slammed into the ground was not visible anymore. All my wounds were healed so well that one would not even think they ever happened.

Daring to ask with caution in my voice, I looked up and stared at the two gates:

"Where am I?"

"At the gate between heaven and hell, Micheal - you're dead."

The mysterious voice answered my vague rhetorical question. I opened my eyes and saw bright auras and lights covering my whole sight and blinding me in the process.

On the right, I saw a golden gate that looked like it was formed by a god, a warm-hearted god. The entrance was delectably decorated and emitted a warm, wholesome atmosphere. A harmonious music came out of that entrance, a very pleasing tune that pleased both ears and soul.

A charming odor then entered my lungs. Its pleasing light scent slowly engulfed my senses, calming my racing mind.

That addicting scent... reminded me of him. He had a similar smell, one slight whiff of it was enough to please all my desires, desires I dared not share, desires I buried deep within me to be forgotten and devoured. Yet I could never still my hunger for him. I could never be pleased if it were not for him. Only he can please my urges and satisfy my soul.

He is my sun - the only light in my cruel world of darkness, my biggest mistake, yet he is the love of my life.

So, that is heaven…I bet Ciel is there…

On the left, I saw a broken black gate with many decapitated heads lying around it. There were skulls and whole heads that were in the process of decay. Beheading seems to be a usual activity within that gate. Just as imagined by us humans, this was a horrendous-looking gate. It's indeed the opposite of the gate of heaven - an entrance to show us what karma our actions may bring or have already brought to us.

The putrefactive odor of organs ripped out of someone's body, decaying corpses, and blood from all the bodies decorating the gate sickened me with nausea—death and destruction, an odorous stench that covered my nose and spread itself throughout my lungs. I had never smelled such a horrendous stench before.

Being hit by this stench shocked me and subconsciously made me cover my nose. My head was pounding, and I was holding back vomit stuck in my throat. It was a very unpleasant situation, and feeling in my throat. The rising vomit felt like a hot slime within my mouth, so distasteful. I could not stand it in the slightly and tried to refocus on the gate and ignore that odor.

As soon as my gaze left that gate, a burb echoed throughout the room before a mix of organs, mushed bones, and thick salvia flew out of there. Hellish flames burned brightly behind that gate as many painful screams of terror came out of it.

Such a terrific sight, so unsightly that one would not dare look any further into it - yet, I decided to analyze it to understand my situation a little bit better.

Oh, how stupid it was to do that. The analysis was so obvious. Any five-year-old could have figured this out within seconds!

Of course...if the golden gate symbolizes heaven, this rotten one has to be hell. A truth as clear as those tears that had left his eyes back then. There was no way that I was wrong about this.

"I thought, once a person dies, they go straight to heaven or hell. Is my assumption wrong?"

I asked towards the direction the voice had come from just moments before, and suddenly a big eye opened itself in front of me. Its pupil glowed blue, a clear baby blue - as clear and deep as the night sky I looked up to, desiring nothing but my end.

Its blinding glow burned my eyes. I squinted them shut, lifting my arm to block the light center from my sight. That yellowish-golden glow from that eye looked similar to the one from the golden gate.

Even though the glow was the same, the aura it emitted terrified me worse than the aura of the gate ever could.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by many eyes - black ones, they all had black pupils but looked the same as the big eye - and the room, everything around me tinged white and black, black where the hell's gate has been and white where heaven's gate has stood.

I stepped back, frightened by being confronted with so many eyes. No matter where I looked, that big glowing eye would not leave my sight no matter what. So many wild thoughts chased themselves through my mind, clashing with one another - disharmonic pounding screams infiltrated my brain and yelled at me to run, run away as far and fast as I possibly could. Being scared was an understatement of what I had felt. I had never supposed such terror and fear

before...No, I did, but back then, you caught me and brought light into the darkness of my heart - the day I fell for you, the day I knew I had already lost you.

"No, your assumption is correct, Michael Knight."

"Why...why am I between the two gates, then, if I may ask?"

I asked in return, trying to stabilize the shaking within my voice - knowing well that I did not succeed and failed miserably.

A chuckle echoed through my head, silencing all the screams within my mind. The hoarse voice of that unknown creature then stroked my mind again and echoed through it. The voice's invasion deeply horrified me and made all my senses tingle - my mind was blank, and a tingling sensation overwhelmed my feelings to the fullest.

"That is because you are special."

"Special?"

I blurted out by accident, soon learning to regret this minor accident.

That terrific chuckle again. Oh, how badly I wanted it to end and how badly I desired never to hear it again because every time I listened to this chuckle, cold sweat started to form on my back, sending shivers down my spine.

The voice then spoke up once again, answering my question - its hoarseness empathizing the deep satisfaction with the fear I felt:

"You're a 50/50 case, a case that only occurs once every 1 million years."

"50/50 case? What does that mean?"

I questioned, lowering my voice, being faced with this immense presence - a presence one would typically only feel when touched or influenced by god's hands, a presence one would not dare show any mischief. I earned myself yet another chuckle before receiving an answer to my question:

"You are 50% evil and 50% good. Your fate, whether to enter hell or heaven, hasn't been decided yet."

"What will happen to me now?"

I asked, barely above a whisper. Only then did I realize how much I was shaking and sweating in fear - the terror jamming my thoughts and rocking through my body showed itself on the surface, violently daring me to fight for it to be hidden again. This was true terror I felt.

No matter how hard I tried to remove my eyes from that big glowing pupil, I couldn't. My wide-open eyes were stuck, stuck in distress. My eyes would not dare look away from this creature. My instincts told me to run, but my body wouldn't budge - my body refused to dare take the next step to run away and hopefully save us.

The eye then widened and flew closer to me, swooping close enough for me to stare deep into its pupil and feel its might. My wonky knees felt like they'd soon give out to me, leaving me to die a failure in front of this monster. I instinctively covered my face in terror and violently turned away from the eye, but my legs wouldn't start running no matter what…

"You have to make one decision. Your fate is up to you afterward. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case, or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

My breath hitched as my heart started to beat faster and heavier. The two options he gave me ran through my mind, clashing with each other as I took a deep breath to calm my heartbeat down. How ironic, I died, yet my heart is still beating - it's unimaginable how I can still be alive while being dead at the same time.

Suddenly two contracts flew towards me alongside with a feather and ink to sign one of them. There the terms and rules of each way were listed. I skimmed over them - One direction was very significant yet very important. During my reliving, Ciel must not remember anything.

This seemed impossible to me, even though this rule was of great importance and held a scary yet understandable responsibility - a responsibility I was willing to carry.

After these thoughts, I already knew what I would choose because deep down, I knew I had already made up my mind - I wanted to see Ciel again. I wanted to see him, even if it was just one last time.

"I want to relive my life."

I want to see him again, no matter what.

"So, it will be."

As I started to fall again, the voice said in an amused tone - it felt as if all of this had been a terrible nightmare. I closed my eyes as my surroundings began to blur, and my world started to collapse. I then saw a bright light in front of my eyes as I was born anew.

…as I was born anew.

Now my journey in life will restart itself, gradually erasing all the events and pains of the past. A new chance had unlocked itself in front of my very own eyes, leaving me in awe of the karma I was given.

Now all I had to do was acknowledge this chance and use it to my advantage to change the outcome of the heavenly judicial court. Therefore, desires to be fulfilled, opportunities to be used, whatever happens, I will seek Ciel and bring great fortune upon him.

I heaved a deep sigh mentally as I felt my body being lifted and carried away from my mother for examination.

After we had headed home, I had been quiet and calm the whole time, pretending to be an angelic child to ensure my parents would not dare hate me.

I vividly recall the disgusted face of my mother whenever I was screaming as a baby. My parents generally disliked me a lot as a child and never wasted any unnecessary attention or time on me - even the most minuscule interactions were too much of a waste to them. I was a general waste of space to them.

Normal parents call their children by sweet nicknames and would sacrifice everything to be there for their kids, yet mine, they never would have offered a penny for me - even a cent was worth more than me.

Growing up, I had always considered it the reality I was driven to endure and live in as ordinary, but now, that will surely change for the better.

...

As a newborn, I had nothing much to do or look out for, yet I made sure only to cry when it was ultimately 100% necessary - when I was starving, for example.

I was a quiet baby adored by all of my parents' weird pedophilic friends, which was disgusting if you ask me, yet I was in no position to complain.

...

One day in the park, when I was around three years old, I saw a kid scrap their knee, falling off the slide. I, who wasn't into playing there at all, used that opportunity to shine and raise my karma, so I walked up to that kid and started soothing him and bringing him to his worried parents. If it had been my old self, I would have probably laughed and not taken any action to help the boy.

His father gave me a pad on the shoulder, praising me for my calm demeanor and the aid his son received. I thanked him and returned to my former spot below a tree, enjoying the cool shadows below it - reading a poetry book.

Good poetry could make one's heart blossom. A poem holds more than most would think - fantasy and reality clash while one immerses in the beautiful lingering words of engulfment.

Others would entitle reading as tedious, especially considering my age, yet I had consistently grown fond of it.

Reading always calmed my mind and distracted me from the dangers, upcoming interactions, and events I profusely wanted to avoid.

The more knowledge I got acquainted with, the easier it would be to avoid certain situations. As a result, I dug deep into my studies and taught myself a lot - self-defense, financial knowledge, geography basics, and much more.

…

And like this, the first five years of my life flew by fast.

It felt like time was racing itself once again - it was a never-ending race of progress and failure, a fight never to be entitled to be won or lost.

I knew I'd soon get to see him again but this time, not as a naughty 5-year-old but as a well-behaved one.

In this life, I had never disobeyed my parents or acted mischievously the way I used to back in my first life. Although I changed a lot from back then, many accidents and mischief created by little devilish me never occurred, and I ensured myself of that.

Every single moment of my regressed life, I had been cautious about being a good person and only doing good deeds for the greater good. My diligence in all my actions saved me from much trouble and suffering.

Yet in order to meet him this time, I had to disobey my parents' orders - I needed to violate them and run away to meet Ciel.

"Ciel, oh, how I've missed you."

I mumbled to myself, expecting no one to hear or acknowledge me.

Since I was reincarnated into my own body and life, I have kept my memories to my previous attempt at living.

Yet, one question did not leave my mind. It bothered me a lot, though. No answer would be fitting enough to be helpful to ease my mind.

Could you have even called my former life living?

I was a bad guy. I remember that very well. I was a rude bully who picked on the weak to hide how powerless I felt inside. Constant pain and suffering were always caused by me. I never did anything good for anyone around me. I was always a burden. I always burdened those I loved. No matter who I cherished, I always ended up disappointing and hurting them. Even Ciel, I pushed him afar from my wall - a wall of escape, security, but also loneliness.

Behind that wall, I was constantly hiding. I always hid what I felt for him. I hid my true feelings by bullying him and abusing him. My wrong actions spoke louder than my scream for love - my desperate call for help and absolute security.

I was lonely and yearning eagerly, eager for love, yet scared to love and trust. I desperately hoped for Ciel to pull me out of the misery I put myself in, a terrible burden that no one could endure, an excruciating headache I caused him. My hope ran thin until I slowly lost it all.

I stared at the sky and wondered, searching for his lost soul, his former self. Wryly how I thought I could see him up there. He wasn't there. He would never be.

I longed to see him again, but I also dreaded looking at him, staring into his eyes, and seeing that unbearable animosity whenever he looked at me. That mere hatred of my every being, that hatred I caused myself.

The realization of what a terrible person I was, hit me harshly, wryly shocking me a bit. I knew I was undeniably lousy, but I didn't think of myself as that pivotally bad.

I don't know if I could ever make up for my former actions. Still, if I can, if this reincarnation of my own life gives me a chance, I hereby pledge to make up for all my previous mistakes and regrets and turn them into favorable memories for me and everyone around me. Then, I will prove to him, no, to myself, that I can be a good person.

I was so deep in my own thoughts that I did not notice a small smile and tears forming in my eyes. What a weakling I am, so pathetic…

'Being good until now, huh, Michael?'

What was that? That sounded like the gatekeeper's voice, but where was he? I looked around. The sudden swift movements made me quite giddy as I had stood still before.

'No need to look for me, I'm not present, and only you can hear me. It's your first time reincarnating, isn't it?'

'Umm, yes, it is, but… how can I hear you? This doesn't make any sense. Am only I able to hear you? Can other people around me hear you too? How does this-'

Being astonished by his sudden presence was an understatement of what I felt. Has he been there the whole time, or did he appear recently without my acknowledgment of his existence?

'Shut it. Too many questions at once, you're giving me a headache, you know?'

'Oh, sorry...Earlier, though, you gave me a heart attack. I thought you wanted to take me back and bring me straight to hell, you see?'

I said, still flabbergasted at his existing voice within my mind.

'So first of all, only you can hear me. Second of all, this is called telepathy, you dumbass.'

'Rude.'

'I can hear you, y'know?'

'Shoot. I nearly forgot that…but can you hear everything, I think? Like every single thought?'

'Yes, so stop obsessing over your "Ciel". I cannot hear your dirty *** thoughts anymore. It is driving me nuts!!!'

I blushed at his statement and cleared my throat, facing the ground in embarrassment. But, unfortunately, his overexaggerated tone did not help ease the heat that flushed into my face.

It was unbelievable to me that he heard me drool over Ciel and shower his name with love and affection all those years. The exposure of my thoughts to him was such a vast invasion of my privacy! Just thinking about the fact that he heard all my lewd thoughts…

How genuinely lovely of him to tell me now after five years. Couldn't he have told me this earlier?

'So, tell me, why do you plan on disobeying your parents?'

'Huh?'

'Earlier, you said something about disobeying them to meet Ciel for the first time.'

'Ah, yeah, I met Ciel by running away from my house after a big fight with my mom.'

'You were a naughty kid, ya know?'

'Yes, I know, but I tried my best to change and behave well in those five years. You have to be honest, though. I did successfully change my behavior to the opposite of how I used to act. So, I think it worked out quite well.'

'I have to agree. You did succeed in changing. Looking back at your old records, there is a remarkable difference in behavior and attitude.

He paused.

'This also caused your parents to treat you differently, didn't it?'

'Yes, you're right. My parents are pretty… nice? So yeah, you could call it friendly. Now that I'm starting to recall old memories of my former childhood. I do remember them being more abusive to me in many ways, especially in their punishments.'

'That's true.'

What? How does he know...?

'I always keep my eyes on all interesting beings as a gatekeeper, and since the day you were born, you have been very, very interesting and unique, in my opinion.'

I nearly forgot he could hear me as a chuckle escaped my mouth.

I slowly started remembering all these atrocious memories of my parents. Regret flooded my mind as I reeled from side to side gently.

In an attempt to forget as I aged, I repressed those memories. I suppressed them from ever coming to the surface.

Yet, only now did I come to realize how miserably I failed as they raced through my mind, burning traces into old, heavily scarred memories. The paths those memories left unboxed old traumas while cutting through my memory like a million sharp knives.

I felt my breath hitch as I tried to breathe in fervently. The air was suffocating me. No matter how much air I consumed in each breath, it felt like it wasn't enough. I felt like I couldn't breathe - like the air had no oxygen. Like everything necessary within the air was amiss.

My surroundings started to shift. They looked wonky as my vision started to blur. Finally, my recalled memories entirely covered my eye, showing me the punishments anew - leading me to relive the confrontation I dreaded.

...

The basement.

The bedroom.

"Mop the floor, useless ****."

...

Shut up. This is all in the past, nothing…no…this is in the present…a different present...

...

"Open your legs."

"No one will ever love you with that dirty filth you call your body."

"Don't expect love when you don't deserve it."

...

'HEY! CALM DOWN. TAKE DEEP, STEADY BREATHS!'

His shout brought me back to reality.

Only now did I realize how badly my whole body was trembling like an aspen leaf and how I was gasping for air. It felt so suffocating…I felt so smothered.

Everything around me felt so claustrophobic, like the walls - no, everything surrounding me is closing in, asphyxiating and crushing me slowly while I beg for forgiveness and help.

Why did I start panicking like this? When did I start crying?

I wondered as I felt hot tears run down my cheeks, falling to the ground, bound to shatter there. My tears shattered like my body did as I had ended my first attempt at life on the rooftop…on your birthday, Ciel…I couldn't heal the hole you left in my heart no matter how hard I tried…

Only when you lose someone you seem to realize how much you loved them - I only ever realized your worth after I lost you, Ciel.

'Are you okay, kid? Do you need anything?'

He sounded oddly concerned for me, not as cocky and annoyed as usual. Instead, he sounded rather caring, and…his voice sounded warm…which soothed me a little...

How pathetic…Even a servant of heaven, the gatekeeper stuck in between heaven and hell, felt pity for me. He pities me. He looks down at me…

'I'm alright…'

'Are you sure? You started trembling like ***. I thought you had a heart attack…I got a little worried for a minute.…'

His voice started to fade and quiet down at the end of his sentence. I smiled a bit through my tears as I began to reconstruct my posture that had broken down as these memories flooded my head.

I was sitting on the ground - knees bent to secure my head. I must've looked like a pathetic little piece of shit.

I took another deep breath, closing my eyes while facing up to the sky, letting the bright sun rays tickle my skin while blinding my already closed eyes. Ultimately, I sighed again and let the sun warm my shaken, grueling body.

'I'm sorry. I just got overwhelmed with the flashbacks that flooded my mind. I'm fine now.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am.'

'Okay, stay safe when meeting your little lover. I'll be going back to my duties now.'

'Okay. See you.'

I heard a chuckle before it became silent again. While heaving a sigh, I finally opened my eyes before jumping over the backyard fence, gently landing on my feet and rebalancing myself from the impact. As I climbed over it, I looked around again to orientate myself with my current surroundings. Although I don't wholly remember where I went that day, my memory was blurry because of how furious I was. That rollercoaster of emotion I went through resulted in mestomping away from my house and running in any direction, staring at the ground, and cursing at my mother's judgment and behavior.

Oh, how stupid little me was. But nevertheless, looking at it from a more mature perspective, it was somewhat funny, yet I was also gobsmacked because of my own stupidity. So I chuckled at my own memories as I followed the path going deep into the forest.

Although I didn't start running consciously, I could feel my pace speeding up, making me feel sure about my instinct - I was following the right way to see him again. The closer I got to the place where we met, the faster I ran. I was chasing my own past, trying to recite and rewrite it - a history I want to change, the past I want to forget.

"Hahahaha! This is so much fun!"

Ciel!

I started sprinting at my limit and ran as if my life had depended on it. His voice, it must be him. I would have bet my life on it!

"Sorry, Ciel, but we have to go back now."

"But-"

"No buts, we can come again tomorrow."

No! Please don't leave! I want to see you again. Just once, just one last time! Please, I'm begging you, please don't leave! Don't leave, Ciel!

"Ciel!"

I called out as I saw his beautiful blueish-black hair. It had a blueish tint when the sunlight had shone on it. Even now, in this state, he did look gorgeous!

I couldn't let him leave like that! No, not like this and not now!

Ciel turned around after hearing me shout his name, I was so far away, but he still heard me. He looked around with a confused expression as I listened to his dad say:

"Come on, Mommy's waiting for us."

"Okay, Daddy!"

Ciel answered, hopping after his dad, who took hold of his hand.

As they looked at the sunset one last time, his father gently led him away from the cliff.

I had to admit the sky did look mesmerizing. It had a purple base with many hot pink and red tints. The clouds were as white as snow but blended with the atmosphere, creating a perfect, charming gradient spectrum of colors.

But no matter how beautiful the sky looked, it couldn't compete with that look in your eyes, the look in your eyes the day the stars fell…

If I had just been faster, I wouldn't have missed him…

"****, ****, fuck…"

I cursed in frustration while hitting a tree on my left, staring at the ground with nothing but regret and anger at my own weakness.

'Are you alright, Michael?'

The gatekeeper's voice asked me.

'Great, now he's back.'

'Aye, I'm just trying to help you, you know?'

'Help me? How nice of you.'

I spat at him, rolling my eyes in frustration, still staring at the ground.

'Don't get sarcastic with me now, will ya?'

I clicked my tongue at him and looked at my hand, which was throbbing and stinging from hitting a mere tree.

Staring at the forming bruise on my hand knuckles, I gritted my teeth.

My body's the problem!

Now that I think about it, my previous body was way more substantial and more rigid! So a mere tree would have never stung that badly when I hit it!

That's it! I have to improve my physique! Not only my mind and behavior but also my body!

'Are you okay? Did you hit your head or something?'

'Yes, I am fine. I also didn't hit my head, you dumb shit!'

'Who're you calling a dumb shit, you dumbass!'

'You obviously! Who else could I mean?'

'Hmpf!'

'A pout, seriously? It seems like you aren't as old as you try to behave. How childish.'

'When I died, I was 20. So I'm still older than you!'

'Now, this sounds really childish. It seems like you are mentally younger than me!'

'Excuse you, you rude brick!'

I couldn't help but smile and giggle to myself. It did feel good to talk to someone like him - just joking around does ease one's mind.

I heaved a sigh, rubbing my right thumb over my slightly swollen hand, and was about to take my leave when suddenly, a strong wind caught up to me. The wind got sucked in one particular spot that formed a black hole that started sucking all my surroundings, including me, into itself. It only caused a considerable breeze. It looked like a tornado but turned to the side like a horizontal tornado hole - it looked like a portal, a gate that drew me towards itself. What was that?

Suddenly, a massive ray of light came out of that hole. Its brightness easily blinded me. I held my arms up for protection, closed my eyes, and turned my head away from it. The light burned in my eyes and harshly blinded me. I didn't know what was happening, but that hole, it felt so mesmerizing…

I didn't know what came over me, but my body started moving closer to it. The closer I got, the more it began to suck me in.

Finally, my clothes started tearing and flaring from the intense suction within the hole.

Soon, I was standing there half-*****, my clothes hanging around my waist, dreading to get sucked into that hole and enter it - awaiting what would happen to me now that I stood on the edge of the cliff face to face with a heavenly phenomenon.

"Michael…"

Ciel? Ciel, is that you?

"Help me, Michael…"

He needs help? What is happening? Ciel? Ciel, where are you?

"I'm here, Michael, come to me…."

The voice coming out of the hole demanded. It was clearly Ciel's voice, but why was I scared to enter? What held me back?

Ciel, he was right in front of me! I want to see him. I want to keep him by my side and never let him go again.

Daring to sacrifice myself, my desiring urge to be close to him overwhelmed and numbed my senses as I reached out until my right hand touched the source of Ciel's voice. Still, as soon as I did, everything around me darkened, my surroundings vanished, and all that was left around me was nothing but darkness and emptiness.

It was silent, completely silent. Where was I? What has happened to me?

"Ciel, where are you?"

"Ciel, where are you?"

What just happened? Why is Ciel gone? I couldn't have imagined it, could I? Where am I even? I looked around but I couldn't see anything at all, where was I? It was dark, I couldn't make out where I was or what had happened according to my surroundings. No voice or noise could be heard, silence was all that surrounded me, did I just imagine Ciel's voice being here? Did I become delusional? No, Ciel's voice was here, he called for me. He was looking for me, I'm sure of that.

I was alone, all alone, what had happened? I tried to recall what happened but I couldn't come up with a lot. My memories started to fade and slowly vanish deep inside my consciousness, which was also starting to fade away. All I could recall was standing at the cliff where Ciel and I first met a couple of seconds ago, why am I here now? What will happen to me? Is this the end? Did I die again…?

"Michael, why did you let me die?"

"Ciel?"

I looked around again, my hectic movements did not cooperate well with my unbalanced stance. I fell over, hitting my head on the ground but it didn't hurt. The ground felt unsafe and wobbly. Nearly like some damp sheets. Soft damp sheets, bouncing back all the pressure that was applied on them.

As I was trying to get up again, the ground suddenly felt like it was trying to suck me in, a thick liquid wrapped itself around my hands and legs, sucking me in slowly, I sank into the void below me, into a darkness that I recognized. Deep within my consciousness, I knew I already felt this before. This cold darkness had surrounded me once before. This darkness had surrounded me the day you died.

"Michael, why did you try to meet me again?"

"I tried to meet you again because… because I love you, Ciel."

I said, trying to find the source of his voice and trying to free myself from this slimy liquid. I tried to rip myself free from this liquidity-sickening stench coming from the moving ground but as soon as I ripped on it, it thickened and hardened, pulling me into the ground deeper and harsher. My arms were halfway covered in this weird texture. It was too dark, I couldn't see what was happening, I could only feel the liquid starting to wrap itself around me, pulling me deeper into this black void.

This isn't how I wanted it to end. I didn't want to die like this, no, not like this. The thoughts running wild in my mind kept pacing and flying around, and I couldn't focus on any of them. It was loud, too loud. My head was pounding heavily as I tried to read the thoughts racing through my mind. I couldn't make out one of them, it was impossible. I mentally called for help from the gatekeeper but I received no answer. I was alone, no one was going to save me.

My heart was pounding so loudly and irregularly, I thought it would jump out of my chest and fall to the ground, bound to burst into a thousand pieces that will be engulfed in this liquid, bound to be dissolved there. Leaving my mere body alone, leaving the nerves that uphold myself, my posture, and my being to die and fall apart. Falling apart into atoms, rotting in the ground slowly, fusing my remains with the soil. I would serve as nature's soil, food, and life substance…but this isn't nature, this is the void I am getting sucked in. I would get lost there and be captured, no, I'd be trapped for eternity, bound to fall into a deep slumber and be alone forever. I'd never get to see him again…

"Michael, why are you doing this to me?"

Huh, what did he mean? Doing what? Is he referring to our past life?

Even though I knew myself that I won't see him and that it was all in my head, I still ripped on this liquid, ripping my head up, looking around desperately trying to find him. The more desperate I got, the harsher the slime pulled me in to engulf me, leaving no trace of me behind.

"Why do you hate me?"

"I don't hate you! I- I was just too much of a coward to admit how much I've loved you…"

My voice started to fade as I lowered my gaze, staring at my sunken hands, regretting my former actions. The liquid started to wrap itself around my arms more gently again, engulfing me in its reality. The less I inferred, the more gently the liquid engulfed me in its own reality, it tried to persuade me into believing its reality was my own, it tried to bury me inside deep, suffocating every breath I took. A lonely emptiness, a familiar feeling to me, started to spread inside of me, it was the same as I had experienced it beforehand. It embraced me. Its embrace was… warm. Warm and comforting. Why did it feel like this? Why did I crave this warmth? I wanted to get closer to it, its warmth made my senses go numb. It enchanted a huge sensation upon me and brought me to a different world, a world where everything was going well and nothing bad ever happened to me. This enchantment, I was feeling and started craving, numbed my senses. My senses, they were numb but that tempting sensation of comfort and love, remained, seemingly overwhelming me, trying to please me. It was too inviting for me to decline its request. Its request to meet me, it requested to engulf me and cradle me in its darkness, its dark beauty. A terrifying request but such a tempting sensation, an offer no one would decline, an offer no one could decline. The temptation to leave this stress, this life behind grew inside of me, as I craved and craved this warm feeling. It was so deprived of love that it searched for love and affection from someone like me who has never experienced such affection as well, me who craved this kind of affection from someone I can't have…yes, Ciel is someone I could never have as though I don't, no, I never ever deserved him…maybe it was destiny to miss him today? Maybe the universe wanted me to let him go?

"I hate you, Michael."

His words, his voice, they felt worse than one million knives piercing through my skin, leaving deep cuts in my being, in my heart. The pain and agony these words had brought to me, finally brought me back to reality. They reminded me of my goal, a goal that made me throw away my life, a goal that made me sacrifice everything I ever knew, a goal worth chasing after.

This liquid wasn't only deadly because it sucked me into the void but also because it was so persuasive to make a person crave it, it made me crave what I wanted to experience from Ciel. It tried to make me forget my purpose in regressing my life, it tried to persuade me that I am happier alone in its comforting charm but I didn't want this kind of comfort. I didn't want this kind of comfort from this terrible liquid, I wanted to find real comfort in him and no one else. Not this liquid, not this void! Only from Ciel would I ever accept this kind of comfort and affection!

I looked back up in determination to break free from this liquid. As I did, my muscles tensed up in shock, they tensed up and immobilized me. I couldn't believe my own eyes, I saw a glowing figure in front of me, a beautifully shaped man, a beautiful boy with white wings and skin as smooth as a pearl hidden deep in the ocean. A treasure hidden within all those rough, rocky diamonds, hidden beyond what's visible to the eye of a mere human. It was him, it was Ciel, my Ciel…

"Ciel! I'm sorry, I know I should have never wronged you like that, please don't hate me. I'm begging you! Please don't!"

I cried out at the sight of him, even if I only felt his presence for a glimpse moment, it was so comforting and it gave me new strength to keep on going, it gave me strength to overcome this fear, this fear of being trapped. The fear I had suppressed so deeply within me that it outshone my own being and captured my abilities in my mind, deep within my own thoughts.

I collected every last bit of strength that was left in my body as I pulled as hard as I could on this liquid, trying to rip myself out of there and free myself, it wasn't a matter of pure strength, it was a matter of mentality. With this knowledge, I knew that it was possible, the thought of freeing myself gave me new energy to rip my agitated body out of that slimy engulfment of this liquid, free from this suffering.

I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I felt a vein in my right eye pop. It burned, my eye felt like it had been lit on fire that very moment but I didn't care, I didn't care about the pain, the only thing I cared about was Ciel. Ciel, you were always my biggest desperation, desire, and comfort. I had to fix this, no matter what!
Blood was running down my right cheek as I squinted my eye to reduce the pain and blood loss I was experiencing. My blood vessel was pulsating, it was agitated and pounding heavily, slowly making my sight on my right eye turn red, blood red. My eye has gone blind shortly after, and all I was able to see was red, the same red I had seen the day you died. 

"CIEL!"

I screamed as I finally loosened the grip of that disgusting liquid. Its grip on my right arm kept loosening itself, until finally, at last, I was able to free my right arm and right after my left arm, leaving me in a kneeling position. I was now kneeling on the ground as my legs were still tangled up, I pushed myself up with all my strength and stared up into the sky. Wait, the sky?
When did I return? What just happened?

"FINALLY! YOU'RE AWAKE!"

The gatekeeper's voice? What is he doing here? What is happening? Why does my whole body feel agitated and sore?

A groan left my mouth as I squinted my eyes shut in sole pain and agony. Even the sky I kept admiring and comparing to your beauty pained me to look at, even though it looked beautiful, your beauty, the beauty of your mere presence had overwhelmed me as I was fighting the void to come back to life. Even a small glimpse of your clear sheer beauty, your perfectly shaped body with skin, skin as smooth as the clouds flying in the sky, and eyes, eyes as bright as the sky. Your eyes, they have always reflected the ocean and sky. Their deep blue made me lose my mind every time I looked at them, they showed me the beauty of this world. They shone brighter than the sun but looked colder than ice, they were the most beautiful temptations I have ever seen.

"Jeez, you gave me a heart attack when you suddenly started having a stroke! I thought you'd die!"

"Huh?"

I blurted out, trying to find the right strength in my body to push myself off the ground and stand up. He looked at me before helping me sit up. I groaned in pain as I sat up slowly, he supported my back. I then asked out of concern and confusion about the happened events:

"Why? What happened to me?"

My throat felt so sore, I couldn't talk properly, it was dry. I heaved dry attempts to ask again but no sound could be produced. My voice was hoarse and sounded quite agitated as I asked the gatekeeper. I coughed as I tried to produce more noises and communicate with the gatekeeper again, my throat, it was throbbing and it was swollen to a degree where it applied pressure on my voice bands, the pressure pained me when trying to speak. The more I tried to speak, the harsher the urge to cough grew inside my throat.

"Don't speak, I'll explain after getting you home."

I nodded as he suddenly sat down beside me offering me a piggy bag ride. I blushed at the thought of having him carry me like that, the heat in my face made my feelings transparent to my opposite.

"I know your father never gave you a piggyback ride but just hop on, you can barely sit, I can't let you walk home like that in the right sane mind."

I nodded as he turned his head to face me.

Only then, did I realize how many scars his face held, it was covered in them, and it looked like those scars held his face together, like if one of them were to rip open, his whole face would deconstruct itself and fall apart. Looking at his face, I now understood why in his gatekeeper form he only has one eye. His left eye had 3 huge scars on top of it, sealing it shut. The stitches were already healed, so it must have been a couple of thousand years since he got left with these scars. 
I hopped onto his back and let him carry me back home as I rested my head on his shoulder, my head hanging down low, still disappointed about having missed Ciel. My body felt heavy and tired, I had no energy to keep my eyelids open. They felt too heavy, they felt like a million kilograms were hanging on my lashes, slowly closing, sealing my eyes shut, putting me into a deep slumber. As my eyelids got heavier and heavier with every single step the gatekeeper took, I started to doze off to sleep slowly.

"Get some rest, I'll bring you straight to your room and go back to my duties afterward."

I nodded sleepily and sheepishly smiled as I closed my eyes, finally falling asleep again.

…

Another 7 years have passed and no trace of Ciel, I knew I had to be patient but I already missed him before. I knew he moved away and only came back recently for middle school, but this hole in my heart… it couldn't be fixed without him here. No, it would never be fully fixed, nothing could ever fix the hole you left in my heart, Ciel. I miss him too much, nothing fulfills my heart the way his smile does, nothing fulfills my heart the way his eyes outshine my mere presence, and nothing fulfills me the way he does.

It has finally arrived, the first day of middle school, the day we met again after 7 years. I woke up to the sound of my alarm and jumped out of bed enthusiastically.

'Damn, you've got a lot of energy this early in the morning, ya know? What's the occasion?'

'Ciel and I will meet again today. In my former life, our ways parted until we met on the first day of middle school. We ran into each other and started to become friends, well kinda friends.'

I was disgusted by my own actions. I really was a douchebag in my first attempt at life, but now, I will change the outcome and make things go down differently! 
I stared at my closet, smiling a little in contentment, before walking over there and changing my clothes. The uniform fit and I made sure to tug my shirt in and not violate any school rules. Back in my first attempt, I always violated all kinds of school rules with just my looks. I looked horrendous, like some little boy trying to spice up something that can't be worn good-looking. I shivered at those thoughts, but still, thinking back at my old appearance, a lot has changed. I was now taller and built better, my shoulders were wider and my abs were more visible even through loose t-shirts, but the most significant part was my hair. It was combed better and didn't look as unhygienic as before. I looked more handsome in general. The undercut I got toned my curly hair and made it stand out more, it looked soft and fluffy. I hope Ciel will like it.

'Stop staring into the mirror, you'll be late.'

'Are you my mom?'

I laughed a little as the gatekeeper lectured me.

'Hmpf!'

He pouted at me again, I laughed even louder as he seriously got mad at me and said in a harsher tone of voice:

'You lil shit, get your *** to school!"

I stopped laughing and checked the time, he had a point, I really should get going. I heaved a sigh before going downstairs into the kitchen, grabbing breakfast, and leaving the house. I didn't like to stay home for breakfast as that always reminded me of terrible arguments with my parents, no matter what I said, no matter what I did, it always ended in a lot of screaming and violence. Recalling those memories always made my heart sink, it felt heavy, my chest always stings when I recall such cruel memories.

I got on the bus and stared out of the window, staring up at the sky. Since it was still pretty early, the sun only slowly started to rise. The orange-tinged sky was very clouded today, the clouds looked like small highlights throughout the sky. They lit up the beautiful gradient going from a light pastel orange into a deep red, a red as deep and pretty as those roses that you have shown me that day, the flowers you loved and adored. I wish I still had that photograph of you, that picture I sneakingly took the day we visited that garden, the garden where we both fell in love, the garden where I broke your heart…

I heaved a heavy sigh, soundly in distress, the regret I carry with me day and night, the regret we both created. No matter how much I sigh, none of it could ever relieve what we have created, only we, only the both of us, can change the outcome of this.

I got off the bus and entered the school building. The hallways were very crowded and busy, and it was hard getting through to my classroom. I eventually pushed through the crowds and got into my classroom just in time. I heaved a sigh of relief as I sat down at my desk. These people seriously only think about themselves, no one was kind enough to wait patiently until everyone started moving. They all pushed each other, yelled for the other to stop pushing them, and ran some people over. I was close to getting suffocated between two rugby players. This day started off exhausting enough already.

"Good morning class!"

The teacher, I think her name is Miss Petersen, said loudly, catching all of the students' attention except for mine, for my focus lay on the door of the classroom that led to the hallway. He had to show up there soon, I remember vividly that Ciel was late on the first day because he got lost in the crowd and couldn't locate the classroom. He'd soon step through the doorway in a hurry, looking like a lost puppy with his messy hair and baggy uniform. Why did it take him so long?

Time felt like it had stood still. I couldn't hear what the teacher had said as my mind drifted off to what happened 7 years ago, my heart pained me as I remembered Ciel's cold words. It felt like the hole he left only grew bigger and wider the more I thought about it. My heart stung, it hurt, it tightened, and it kept tightening. The pain was unbearable, my mind was like a maze filled with screams, shouts, and cries. I couldn't take my eyes off the doorstep, I wanted to see him, I wanted to hold him, I wanted to kiss him. The desire within me to just walk out of this classroom to go and search for him grew every time the clock struck, indicating another minute has passed. Where was he? Why wasn't he coming?

"Sorry, ma'am! I got lost in the hallway!"

Ciel!