The wind whips past Taehyung in icy gusts as he makes his way onto the bridge. He can feel the cold seep through his parka and into his bones. Even with his hood up, his hair still manages to fly in his face.

It’s a weekday in the middle of winter, so there aren’t many people around. All the residents are at work, all the tourists are at home. He notices a police officer walking up and down the pedestrian path, making sure everything is alright. It’s the same officer he sees every year. He’s come to recognize the officer. But he doubts the officer recognizes him. He probably sees hundreds of people every week.

Taehyung finds the familiar spot on the bridge that he has come to every year for the past 4 years. He knows that this spot is partially obscured by one of the support beams and is therefore a little less windy than other parts of the bridge. Sometimes he wonders why you chose this spot. It’s like you knew he would be coming here and you wanted to protect from the cold. Maybe it was just because you couldn’t make it any further. 

“Everything alright, sir?”

He jumps at the sudden presence behind him. It’s the officer. “Yes,” Taehyung replies and then turns back around to face the bay.

“You know, if you need to talk, that’s what we’re here for.”

The man speaks a little too fast for him to understand, but Taehyung knows enough english to get the gist of it. He simply smiles and nods and the officer leaves him be.

Leaning against the railing, Taehyung stuffs a gloved hand into his pocket and feels for the crumpled up piece of paper inside. He pulls it out and unfolds it. He stares at the glossy image of you before him, your eyes crinkled and your lips spread wide in a grin.

“Y/N…” He sighs. “There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you.” He hasn’t started crying yet, which is a new record for him. Usually the tears start falling the second he steps onto the bridge.

“For a long time I was mad at myself. ‘How did I not see it coming?’ I would ask myself. ‘Why didn’t I do anything to stop it?’ I know I shouldn’t have thought these things. You were all the way in America. How would I have known from Korea?” Tears start pooling in his eyes, blurring his vision and falling slowly down his cheeks.

“There are things that I still regret, though. I regret being so busy and never getting to see you. I regret all those times I had to end our phone calls because my schedules got in the way. I regret not being there for you when you needed me. I know it’s dumb but I regret helping you convince mom and dad to let you move to America. I regret not being the big brother I should have been.

“Am I even a big brother anymore, now that you’re gone? You’re still my little sister, so I will continue to be a big brother.“  

Taehyung smiles through his tears. "We won our first Daesang last month. I wish you could have been there to see it. The members were so happy, we all cried. But I also cried because you weren’t there. You weren’t there for my debut either, but that’s okay. When you left us, none of us were sure that I would even get to debut. But I finally did it! And now we’re winning all these awards and we have a tour in America soon. I hope you’re proud of me.  

“People keep saying you’re in a better place now. I sure hope so. Especially since you didn’t seem to like it very much here.” He lets out a half hearted chuckle.

“I know I tell you this every year, but… when I first got the call from mom and dad saying that you… you know, I thought it was some sick joke or something. I mean, we did play a lot of pranks on each other as a kid. I was in denial for the first few days. I guess I thought that if I pretended hard enough that it wasn’t real, it wouldn’t be.” Taehyung reaches his other hand up to wipe away his tears. He watches as some of them drip down his chin and over the edge of the bridge, into the salty water below.  

“Why do I cry every time? Mom cried a lot at first, but I think she ran out of tears. I haven’t seen her cry since your funeral. Dad, well, you know Dad, he never shows emotions. But me? Every year, on this day, I cry.” He sniffles loudly. “And like a dumbass, I never remember to bring tissues. I’ve been getting better about it though. I made it all the way to this spot before I started crying.” He takes a second to breathe

“Oh, yeah. I’ve been meaning to ask you. Why did you choose here? Not just this spot, but this bridge? Was it because it’s famous for that? You were living in LA at the time, so why did you come all the way up here? I guess you always did like being dramatic.”

Taehyung turns around briefly to observe the passing cars and brave joggers who decided to go for a run on this frigid day. He hopes none of them notice how red his face is or how wet his cheeks are.

He turns back to the water and stares at the dark waves below him. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad this, but… sometimes when things get difficult, I think about joining you, wherever you are. But I don’t think you would want that. You always used to say I was the stronger one, so I’ll continue to be strong for you.

“Do you ever regret it? I hear stories of survivors saying that the instant their feet left the bridge, they wished they could go back. Was it like that with you? Did you wish you could undo it”

He crumples the photo in his hand and clenches his fist. “Did you ever think about me? How all of this would affect me? I’m not as strong as you think I am, Y/N. I– no I shouldn’t blame you. What good would that do?

“It used to be that when I missed you, I could just end our phone calls or skype sessions with ‘Come home soon!’ or something, but now I can’t do that. I don’t think I will ever stop missing you.” 

Taehyung steps back a looks up at the bright red beams, stark against the grey expanse of the overcast sky. He closes his eyes and feels the wind, cold against his tears.

“I miss you, Y/N. And I love you. Those two things will never change. I will continue working hard and being strong for you. Tell grandma I love her too. I’ll see you next year, Y/N.”

He stays there for a while longer, until his tears subside and he’s ready to go back home. He walks back in the direction he came and nods at the officer as he leaves. He keeps his promises. He continues missing you, he continues loving you, and he continues working hard and being strong for you, just as a big brother should.