I don't have ownership of this story

I am just posting it here.

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Author: 李松儒

“If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”

-Nietzsche

For ten years in prison, Shen Xi, a son of a wealthy family, felt that he was living in the abyss every day.

Killed during a prison riot, Shen Xi awakens at the moment when his fate has turned at the age of eighteen.

In this life, Shen Xi vows to drag everyone into the abyss with him.

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hi

I am posting it here AGAIN cuz Mangatoon decide to delete it. like why?(I hate u mt)

And also because of Signto krist or I would have just let it be.

Release Schedule:

Every Tuesday and Thursday 3 Chapters

pls don't report.

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Chapter 1

“Have you had enough trouble?!” There was a sound of an impatient male voice.

“You said you didn’t like him.” Another young voice immediately cried out in reply.

“When did I ever say I liked him?”

“Then what are you doing here? Aren’t you looking for him?”

The first voice grew more and more impatient, “How many times have I said, I don’t like him! I approached him at first because I lost a bet to your second brother, and I came here tonight just to meet a friend. I didn’t know Shen Xi was here.”

The familiar conversation echoed in his ears once again. Shen Xi listened in a daze, habitually trying to wave his hand to dispel it, but his arms were weak and his body was filled with a sense of emptiness after getting high.

Shen Xi tried to open his eyes but they seemed to be covered with something, and he could not open them. Shen Xi struggled to get up but his body was not controlled by his brain and did not respond in any way. After struggling for a long time, a thought flashed through Shen Xi’s mind, “Where am I?”

“Where am I?” This question was like a bolt of lightning splitting the murkiness in Shen Xi’s mind, and Shen Xi came to his senses almost instantly.

His eyes snapped open and he was confronted with a magnificent, cumbersome crystal lamp above his head, the blinding light shining straight into his eyes. Shen Xi instinctively tried to raise his hand to shield himself from the light, but his body’s weakness prevented him from doing so. Shen Xi closed his eyes again, and everything returned to the previous darkness.

This time, his senses were extraordinarily clear, and the feeling of emptiness and powerlessness was like a tidal wave surging through his entire body. Shen Xi tentatively tried to move but stopped when he heard a sweet moan, accompanied by the man’s ragged breath.

The corners of Shen Xi’s mouth slowly curled up in a mocking smile. Sure enough, it was this dream again, this dream that had haunted him for ten years. With a flash of self-deprecation, Shen Xi gave up struggling and gradually adjusted to the blinding light. Anyway, it was a dream, it didn’t make any difference whether he could move or not.

“Ah, yes!”

Shen Xi stared at the crystal lamp above his head in boredom. Every time his dream started with him opening his eyes. Naturally, the first thing he saw each time was the lamp, magnificent to the extreme. And then what? Shen Xi tilted his head. What’s next?

“Ah! Brother Wenyao, use a little more force.” A greasy voice begged.

A sneer appeared on Shen Xi’s face. It was so boring. For ten years he kept repeating this dream; everything in the dream was deeply imprinted in his mind and he knew the follow up like the back of his hand. Next, it was time for Tian Wenyao to speak.

Sure enough, the first male voice said, “Xiao Rong, you are so violent every time you are in bed.”

“Brother Wenyao, ah!” The long, drawn out moans were interspersed with the man’s heavy breathing, and after a few violent thumps, the room began to quiet down.

The sneer on Shen Xi’s face faded away, a gloomy look faintly appearing in its stead. This next conversation, which he could practically recite backwards, was the dialogue that completely enraged the young Shen Xi and changed his fate.

“Brother Wenyao, did Second Brother say when Big Brother would be willing to see me?”

“What do you want to see Shen Ji for?” The man said carelessly

“As long as Big Brother accepts me, Father will accept me into the Shen family.”

“Even if he does accept you, it’s too late. Old man Shen had already made a will before he died. The family assets are divided into three, one for each of his three grandchildren. You will have nothing even if you are accepted.”

“Father doesn’t like Shen Xi.”

“You want Shen Xi’s share?” There was a hint of amusement in the man’s words.

“I won’t fight with Big Brother and Second Brother, but Shen Xi and I are both my grandfather’s grandsons.”

Shen Xi closed his eyes as the flames of anger in his heart rose again. He was the rightful third young master of the Shen family, but because his father disliked him, he was treated coldly and ostracised and even the things that belonged to him were coveted by Shen Rong, his father’s illegitimate son.

Recalling his childhood experience, Shen Xi clenched his fists fiercely. If he hadn’t clearly known that he was in a dream now, he wouldn’t be able to resist going out and beating the two of them up.

In his current state of mind, he was still furious, let alone his younger self back then. It was because of these words that, in a fit of rage, he recklessly drove his car into Tian Wenyao and Shen Rong in the early morning of the next day.

As a result, Shen Rong was unharmed, just having some scratches, but Tian Wenyao’s legs were crushed and he was never able to walk again.

The incident caused a stir in Zhongjing. He was arrested on the spot and barely reacted before he was sentenced to life imprisonment for attempted murder.

After sobering up, he couldn’t accept the fact that he was going to stay in prison for the rest of his life, so he gave up his self-esteem and begged his father to save him. At the time of the incident, he had taken a large amount of hallucinogenic drugs and had no control over his behaviour. He hoped his father would use it to help him file an appeal. But no matter how much he begged, all he got was a cold look from his father. In the end he simply never saw his father again, left with the lawyer’s words, “Mr. Shen hopes you’ll do well by yourself.”

“Do well by yourself.” Once again, a sneer appeared on Shen Xi’s face; indeed, he did well by himself.

Tian Wenyao was the only male heir of the Tian family. Hit by Shen Xi’s car, he was incapacitated for the rest of his life, so it was natural the Tian family hated Shen Xi to the bone… not to mention the fact that he had hurt his father’s favourite illegitimate son.

Shen Xi no longer wanted to remember how he survived the first three years in prison. Without the protection of the Shen family and with the Tian family’s hatred for him, if he hadn’t put his life on the line to secure his place in prison, he wouldn’t have survived the next few years.

After all, he was not afraid of death, but others were, weren’t they? Even if the Tian family offered more money, a man had to live to spend it. 

Shen Xi coolly hooked the corners of his mouth as he went down the memory lane, but in the next moment his eyes snapped open wide. No, shouldn’t he be dead already?

Shen Xi stared at the crystal lamp above his head. The scene of him falling to the ground and closing his eyes flashed through his mind again and again. The riot during the factory labor hours, the knife that stabbed him, the helpless feeling of his blood flowing out, Fang Luowei who was protecting him in the chaos and the sneering face of his murderer who saw him finally going down. Shen Xi closed his eyes fiercely and opened them once more. There was still the dazzling light, his body still felt weak and another gasp reached his ears.

A trace of disbelief flashed in Shen Xi’s eyes, and then he began to struggle with all his might.

“Move, move, fucking move for me.”

As if he was let out of confinement, Shen Xi clearly felt his strength begin to return and the sense of powerlessness in his body was subsiding. Struggling, Shen Xi lifted his hand and viciously pinched his leg. A sharp pain that came made Shen Xi freeze in shock.

There was a feeling! He actually felt something!

How could he feel anything in a dream? What’s more, wasn’t he already dead?

Countless thoughts surged in waves, and Shen Xi dumbly reached out and pinched his leg once again, still in pain. A look of disbelief appeared on Shen Xi’s face; it was not an illusion, he really felt it.

The groans and chants in his ears were unmistakably clear, and Shen Xi listened to them as if he was listening to a fairy’s voice. Slowly, a look of ecstasy appeared on Shen Xi’s face. This was not a dream. He was back. He was really back.

After the initial ecstasy, Shen Xi quickly calmed down. No matter why he died and why he was reborn, this time he had to do right by himself.

The moaning and groaning continued, and it looked like it wouldn’t stop for a while. Shen Xi lay there, moving his body carefully on the soft carpet, not making a single sound. The place where Shen Xi was lying was in the corner, and in front of Shen Xi, there was a set of huge European-style palace sofas, hiding Shen Xi’s entire figure safely.

Shen Xi’s fingers accidentally brushed over his pocket, and a certain metallic texture under his touch caught his attention. A thought flashed through Shen Xi’s mind as he remembered the mobile phone he had with him, and a strange smile appeared on his face.

After a while, the shaking of the king-size bed stopped once more, and a few grumpy knocks sounded outside the room.

“Wenyao, are you in there, hurry up and get your *** out here, it’s time for Lao Tzu to go home.” (Lao Tzu – an arrogant way to say “I”)

“Shen Cheng, have you not been weaned yet!”

The sound of dressing, the sound of greetings from inside and outside the room, Shen Rong’s slightly ingratiating laughter, until the door was closed and all sounds were isolated.

Shen Xi slowly sat up holding onto the sofa, glanced at the crumpled king-size bed, lowered his head and clicked on the video that he had just recorded on his phone. The corners of his mouth slowly curled up.

Chapter 1

It was a March night, and the weather in Zhongjing still carried a biting chill.

The wind that brushed across his cheeks was so cold that even his nose was frozen red, but Shen Xi did not seem to feel the cold as he stood there greedily breathing in the air in huge gulps.

Obviously, Shen Xi had been breathing this kind of air for decades, but at this moment, Shen Xi closed his eyes in intoxication, as if the taste of the air was palpable.

It was the taste of freedom, the taste that Shen Xi had been longing for for ten years.

Under the dazzling neon lights, the word “Shutu” (different way) was quietly hanging there, attracting wave after wave of the city’s nocturnal crowd. This was the place Shen Xi was most familiar with except for the Shen family.

Since the age of fifteen, Shen Xi had been a regular customer here. Compared with the coldness of the Shen family, Shen Xi greatly preferred the hustle and bustle of Shutu.

It was here that Shen Xi laughed, fooled around, got drunk and dreamed, and it was also here that fate played a joke on Shen Xi, and he ruined everything he had with his own hands.

Now, time had turned. Shen Xi stood at the entrance, looking at the word Shutu steadily, and the corners of his mouth slowly curved up, the arc growing bigger and bigger until he finally laughed out loud.

As he laughed, Shen Xi remembered how he had been waiting for Tian Wenyao to come and spend his eighteenth birthday with him, how he had been disappointed, how he had taken a large amount of psychedelics at the urging of his dog friends, how he had found an empty room and slept on the floor until he suddenly woke up in the middle of the night.

What happened next he repeated again and again in his dreams for the next ten years. He felt betrayed, he felt humiliated, he was angry, he was furious, there was a fire burning in his heart.

He endured the cold and waited for hours in the night wind, and then drove his car into two people without hesitation. Finally, with blood flowing in his eyes, he was taken away by the police in a hurry. Before leaving, he turned his head inadvertently, and the word Shutu pierced his eyes.

In this life, Shen Xi was not angry. He walked out of Shutu soberly and calmly. Standing at the entrance of Shutu, feeling the scent of freedom, Shen Xi finished laughing and completely left it behind.

Without a car, Shen Xi just walked aimlessly along the road in Zhongjing alone late at night. Without the ups and downs of his temper of his previous life, Shen Xi settled down to quietly contemplate the path he intended to take in this life.

In his previous life, Shen Xi had been ignorant for the first eighteen years and numb for the next ten years. He had never thought clearly about his path.

No, Shen Xi had actually thought about it.

In the beginning when he was imprisoned, Shen Xi had a very difficult time in prison because of the Tian family. He had to watch for being stabbed in the back from all sides and face all kinds of malicious looks all day long. The Tian family did not intend to kill Shen Xi quickly, but instead tried to torture him like a cat playing with a mouse. In the beginning, Shen Xi was often injured. At night, Shen Xi would be in so much pain that he could not sleep. Without a doctor and no medicine, Shen Xi could only desperately grit his teeth and bear the pain and imagine time and time again: if he hadn’t driven into Tian Wenyao and Shen Rong, what would his life have been like?

Shen Xi envisioned all sorts of wonderful lives for himself, but it was just wishful thinking. Once he returned to reality, the huge contrast only doubled Shen Xi’s pain.

As Shen Xi’s life in prison continued day by day and as freedom became more and more unattainable, with Shen Xi’s father extinguishing the last bit of his hope, Shen Xi was finally completely dead, thinking only of how to get through another day. In his spare time, he would never think about what his life would have been like if he had not driven his car into Tian Wenyao and Shen Rong again.

Now standing on a high pedestrian bridge, with the lights of Zhongjing glowing in the night, Shen Xi suddenly had a moment of trepidation. After ten years of an abnormal life in prison, would he still be able to adapt to this world?

In his memory, the eighteen-year-old Shen Xi was gloomy, cranky and unruly, hanging out with a gang of dog friends day in and day out. Ten years later, Shen Xi was still gloomy, but his temperament had been through a lot and the angles of his body had been smoothed out by the years. Could such two completely different Shen Xi still be the same Shen Xi?

Without the ecstasy of just being reborn and the excitement of being free, Shen Xi stood on the bridge as the night wind swept over his body. In the biting cold, Shen Xi asked himself how he was going to continue his journey.

If the eighteen-year-old Shen Xi was a confused beast, full of hatred but not knowing how to vent it, and could only do so by drinking, racing cars and clashing with his family, then the twenty-eight-year-old Shen Xi was not so different from the eighteen-year-old Shen Xi. His heart was still full of hatred, but his painful experience had made him realise that this time he should vent in a different way.

Shen Xi stared coldly in the direction of the Shen family’s house, where tonight likely was no different from before. His father would be in the study, helping Shen Ji familiarise himself with the affairs of the company, while the two waited together for Shen Cheng who was returning late. When the father and two sons reunited and began to stage the great family drama, he himself would always be the one forgotten by them. Not to mention that none of them remembered that tonight was his birthday, the eighteenth birthday of their son, their younger brother.

Shen Xi recalled a saying that Fang Luowei had once quoted to him, “if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” At that time, Fang Luowei used these words to persuade Shen Xi to give up the hatred in his heart. Shen Xi wondered what he said to Fang Luowei then. He seemed to have said that he did not need to gaze into the abyss because he was living in it.

Shen Xi was not Fang Luowei. He was not so magnanimous that he could laugh at those who had hurt him. He was narrow-minded, he was vindictive, he remembered all the hurts inflicted on him and then looked for the right opportunity to retaliate. Because of this, no one dared to take a casual shot at him in the following years, knowing that unless he was killed, he would definitely even the score.

Thinking of Fang Luowei, he wondered how he was doing now. Unfortunately, he only knew that Fang Luowei would come to Zhongjing five years later but knew nothing about where he was five years before. In his previous life, they met in prison. Fang Luowei was imprisoned five years later than Shen Xi and they became friends by chance. If Fang Luowei were by his side now, he would definitely say that it was rare to have a chance to start over and he had to let go of the past and live a good life.

Alone, Shen Xi laughed out loud as he thought about it.He also wanted to let go of the past as Fang Luowei said, but how could he easily forget? Not to mention the ten years in prison, how could he forget why he had developed that gloomy, irascible nature at the age of just eighteen?

For as long as he could remember, his father had always looked at him with a cold, blatant disgust in his eyes; he was the child his father didn’t want. Although his mother loved him, she was too preoccupied with her own emotions because of her relationship with his father and often completely ignored him. When he was six, his mother took a decisive leap from the window sill of the third floor, leaving him with only a blurred image of her back. His maternal grandfather, who loved him with all his heart, also left him right after his mother when he was six years old. His elder brother, Shen Ji, was extremely cold to him and always treated him like a stranger, while his second brother, Shen Cheng, bullied him since he was a child.

Not being loved by his family and having no friends, what else could he be but gloomy and irritable?

Speaking of which, Shen Xi felt that he was really pitiful. In the long eighteen years, except for his mother and grandfather, the only one who had given him some warmth was Tian Wenyao. Unfortunately, the warmth Shen Xi cherished in his heart was nothing more than a random bet by the other party.

With negative emotions clamouring in his mind, Shen Xi closed his eyes. 

Since I am already in the abyss, all of you, come and keep me company.