“Mom, I need to get on BC.”

“Blaire you’re only fourteen, you’re too young. You know I don’t like talking about that stuff,” I say shivering.

She crosses her arms and slouches on her small wooden chair. She sucks in air in frustration and holds her breath, just like a child. Then she grabs her broken hair tie and throws her dark brown hair into a bun. She stands up, stares at me for a moment, and then walks out of the room. Within a few minutes she comes back with her knee-high black boots on and opened the door revealing the daylight.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

She shuts the door behind her and the light disappears. I look around the apartment, then sighed.

I get up off the other chair and slowly walk to my room, taking in everything about my house. I grab my bookbag after throwing on a pair of leggings and a tank top. I throw my dirty blonde hair up into a ponytail and walk out of the apartment with my sneakers.

I locked the door and made my way to the cafe a couple blocks down. Hearing the bells jingle as I walk through the door, getting greeted by my coworkers.

“Hey uh, you’re way early…” Bryan coughed.

“I know, it’s been a crazy morning, if I didn’t come here I would be out on the streets,” I smiled weakly.

He smiles back, then holds out his hand, “We can fit you in.”

I grab hold of his hand as he leads me to the back, he tosses me an apron and a hat. I grab them, put the hat on and tie the apron, rushing as he sits down on the chair and goes on the computer to clock me in.

“Thanks Bryan, this really helps, you have no idea.”

I run to the front line after I hear the bells jingle again, meeting the eyes of an older woman, looking pissed. I sighed, great, she gonna be annoying.

I smile at her as she stepped up to the counter, she crosses her arms and orders a blueberry muffin with a black coffee.

“Is that all ma’am?”

“Yes, Now I’m in a hurry so don’t take your sweet time.”

I gritted my teeth as she walked away to sit down. I walked over to the coffee machine and made her coffee and grabbed her muffin, then called for her.

She walked over and looked at the food. She frowned and pushed the coffee back to me. I looked back at her in confusion.

“This isn’t what I ordered.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but this is what you had me put down.”

I pulled off the receipt attached to the coffee and showed her, sure enough it said a black coffee. But the lady only slammed her fists on the table and yelled she wanted a different coffee. I backed up and replied with, “I have the right to refuse service.”

But she just got more mad and threw the coffee at me.

I gulped as the burning sensation took over. The coffee felt like acid pouring onto my skin. I held my clothes away from me so it would hurt less, but it didn't work.

By then Bryan came running by and jumped in between us, he stood firmly.

“What’s going on here?”

The woman rolled up her sleeves and fixed her coat.

“I asked for a caramel latte, and this stupid worker gave me a black coffee. I demand my money back!”

“Ma’am, you didn’t even pay yet..”

Her face became red, “I’d like to speak to the manager.”

“I'll go get him..” I stammer.

I walk quickly to the back of the cafe in the office for the managers. I walk in and see Mike sitting on the chair doing more paperwork. He looks up and I put my hands behind my back nervously. He’s super intimidating.

“Yes Jackie?”

“There’s uh, a situation on front line..”

He pushes his papers to the side and stands up straight, his muscles flexing unintentionally. I looked down as he strides past me confidently. I follow behind him like a shadow and watch him from behind the kitchen. As soon as the lady sees him she backs down.

Soon she took the muffin and stomped out of the store, then Mike walked back to his office more relaxed, and Bryan grabbed a rag and started cleaning up the coffee. I went over by him grabbing another rag helping him.

“She won’t be coming back.”

“What do you mean?”

“She said she’s never coming back, that this place had horrible service.”

I scoffed, “Horrible service?? I should be the one filing a complaint for harassment! She got my apron all wet!”

He smiled and stood up, “How about you work on the truck and the interviewing papers, I’ll handle front line for now.”

I smiled back at him. I really could have just handled it myself. But I like him being my older brother, it helped me feel safe, protected. I mean I’m sure Mike could very well be my knight in shining armor, but he’s just too serious, while Bryan is actually my friend.

ºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoºoº

It was about 8:00 pm when I was clocking myself out. Bryan walked into the room and stood behind me as I was clocking him out too.

“So, today's been a stressful day, how about we get a drink?”

“Sounds perfect,” I say grinning.

I grabbed my clothes and bookbag, then helped lock up the store, and let him drive me to Johnny’s Point.

I brushed my hand against the leather of the seat, it felt so nice. I’ve always wanted a leather interior. But I wasn’t getting anywhere with that.

“So, hows life at home?”

“Luxurious!” I rolled my eyes.

“Blaire really that bad?”

“Don’t get me started,” I threw my hands up.

He looked at me from the corner of his eyes and smiled a little. Though I kept staring at the trees outside that were passing.

I tapped my fingers on the leather, bracing myself for the next question, he asked every time we went to get a drink…

“So…..you’re house-”

“I don’t wanna talk about that right now,” I countered.

He stayed silent after that until we got to Johnny’s Point.

We got out of the car and walked into the bar silently, then as we sat down at a table he said, “Sorry, you just never talk about it…”

It’s for a reason Bryan, don’t push any further.

“Like I’m sure you don’t live on the streets, probably not a mansion.”

I gripped my shirt as he continued rambling.

“Do you live in some shitty apartment or something?” He laughed.

I looked at him and smiled, “I think it’s time for that drink.”

I got up and got ten shots of tequila. I took one then brought them back to the table.

“Ok I get it, you don’t wanna talk about your house..”

I sit in silence, then hold up my next shot, “To us!”

“Us?”

“Our friendship,” I smiled. He caught on and held the shot up with me. Then we clinked our drinks and chugged them.

I slammed the glass on the table and laughed.

“My daughter’s gonna be pissed.”

“Why?”

“Because, I told her she can’t get on birth control.”

His eyes widened after I took two other shots. I looked at him and smiled. This seemed amusing to me right now, but I really didn’t care.

“She’s only fourteen...what the hell?”

All I could do was laugh, and take more shots.

“Umm Jackie, you should slow down, you just took all the shots in two minutes…”

“Well we can always buy more. Actually I want a Vodka, with some cherry stuff.”

I get up and walk back over to the bartender and come back with a huge glass of alcohol.

“Thank god I’m driving,” mumbled Bryan.

I glared at him and sat down.

I chugged the whole drink and Bryan looked at me like I was crazy. I raised my eyebrows at him. He opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off.

“Look, you can’t judge me, you don’t know what I’ve been through-”

“That’s because you don’t tell me! All I know is your name and age!! Come on Jackie!”

I got up and got another drink. I could feel him staring at me, but I didn’t really care. When I came back with another drink he was looking down. I tilted my head.

“Whenever we go out we fight about this, why can’t you just understand I don’t want to talk about it?”

He sat in a daze, I sighed and took a sip of the drink.

“I tell you everything, you know my whole story, you have my trust, yet you won’t tell me anything about you,” He stammers.

“If I begin it gets deep, and it’s too much for me.”

He looks up at me, “Can you at least show me where you live? I’ve known you for almost ten years and I’ve never been to your house.”

I chug the rest of my drink and zip up my jacket. I walked unsteadily to the bar and closed my tab.

I walked back over to Bryan and we went out to his car.

“You can walk me to my….place. It’s small, and outdated…”

He smiled from ear to ear, “That sounds fine, but we’ll drive, it’s too late to walk.”

I nodded then started to direct him to my shitty apartment, I noticed him start to drive slower as we were getting into the bad side of town.

“Here,” I mumbled.

He stops the car right in front of the apartment. A really shitty apartment. My place.

I get out of the car and stumble to the stairs, he tries helping me out but I refuse. But then half way up the stairs, I fell and twisted my ankle.

“Here, let me help you,” he takes my arm around him.

Great.

He helped me back to the tiny house I called home. I unlocked the door and braced myself for his reaction. But when we walk in, he doesn’t even care about my home. He just sets me down on one of the old chairs and lifts up my ankle.

He glanced around when he had the chance, my face went red with embarrassment. I expected him to feel really uncomfortable and want to leave, yet his face held no reaction.

“This is your place?” he asks calmly.

“Yeah…”

He just keeps looking around but then stops when his gaze is on Blaire. She demands attention by stomping into the room.

“What the **** mom?? Why did you bring him home??”

“Blaire keep your voice down.”

“No! Mom how the hell can you bring your boyfriend home but I can’t bring anyone here??”

“Stop cussing Blaire, you’re giving me a headache.”

“Good, I hope you get one, it’s the least I could do.”

“Will you just shut up? I’m done with your attitude!”

She jumped back when she heard me yell. I never yelled at her, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

It hurts to yell at her though, literally. It frightens me, I’m drunk with a temper and an annoying daughter, I might snap again….

May 3, 2014 . 11:15 pm

Laughing I fell on the door outside of my mums’ grey mansion. I was drunk, with a drink from the bar still in my hand, I took a sip and kissed Ben passionately.

But then the door opened and I fell on my back, spilling the rest of my red wine all over my white shirt. Revealing my bra hidden under, my face flushed red immediately. I looked down and I pushed myself up.

“This shirt cost me a million! Who the hell spilled the fucking wine on me??”

I looked around and saw the little devil standing behind me.

“You did this!” I yelled showing her my shirt.

She stepped back covering her face.

“You’re so ungrateful! I give you a home! Food! Clothes! Clean water! Family! You could be living on the streets, but no! I’m taking you in! And this is how you repay me?! By ruining my shirt??”

I felt the anger rushing to the surface with every passing second. I wanted to lash it out somewhere.

Where better to than the source?

Little Blaire let her arms down relaxing, thinking I was calm, but then I reeled back my arm and slapped her. Falling to the ground, she was gasping for air as tears streamed down the red handprint on her face. I expected that to soothe my anger, but nothing had changed.

I grabbed her arm tightly and dragged her into the nearest closet, but before I shoved her in, I slapped her arm since she screamed to let her go.

She shut up after that, we were getting somewhere.

When the door closed on her she yelled back at me to let her out with a shaking voice. But I just slammed into the door and whispered firmly, anger laced through my voice.

“You little brat, I do all of this for you and you don’t appreciate any of it. You’re being a total bitch, this is your punishment. You will stay here until I say you can come out, you won’t eat until I say you can. Got it??”

“Yes ma’am….” she mumbled.

“Good. Now if I hear anything from you I’ll hurt you even worse.”

After that she didn’t make another sound. I went back to the living room and saw Ben. He was terrified.

“Love, what’s the matter?”

“You just hit..your daughter...” he stared in disbelief.

“The little bitch deserved it after all she’s done to me!” I clarified, “She took away my life Ben! It’s the least I could do to her!”

“I don’t think we can be together anymore...” he said backing away.

“What? Ben no, I didn’t do anything wrong. It was all her! You have to believe me!”

He continued to back away, then quickly walked to his black car and got in, I ran after him and yelled. But he wouldn’t listen. I ran up to his car and hit the hood, he stopped.

Better.

I walked up to his window and he rolled it down a little.

“Benjamin, you can't do this, I love you, you love me, don’t let that little devil get in between us-”

“Lyn are you listening to yourself??” He leaned closer to the window, “No one calls their daughter a devil.”

I backed away from the car, my mouth wide open, “What would you know??”

Before he started driving away, he yelled, “That she deserves better!”

I fell to my knees.

I hate you Little Devil, you keep ruining my life.

I cried silently at the end of mums’ long driveway, letting the dark engolf me.

Seemingly only moments later, I opened my eyes to the rising sun.

I blinked rapidly trying to adjust my eyes. I placed my hand on the cement to help me up, but a piece of glass sliced through my skin.

Ouch!!

I pulled my hand back, I noticed my stained shirt, wine? It has to be.

Confused, I tried remembering what happened last night, I didn’t remember anything before the party…

I got up and walked up to my mums’ mansion and went inside, my mum and Blaire were sitting at the kitchen table, both staring at me.

June 19, 2022 . 9:47am

My eyes were closed but I was awake, the sun was too bright to fall back asleep, so I just laid there. I shifted and felt the warmth of a soft blanket. I smelled it and it smelled like the cologne Bryan wore....wait what?

My eyes slowly opened and they focused on the man laying next to me, Bryan. I looked down and saw that I was in one of my shirts, and my bottoms were still on.

Oh my god, thank you so much!

I looked around and realized that we were laying in my bed together, with his soft blanket. I was grateful, but felt a bit creeped out. I felt something else in my stomach.

I’m hungry.

I threw the blanket off of me and sat up, and then I pulled on a pair of socks and walked into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and my eyes met what they do every morning, nothing. The only thing I had left to eat in the house was a few crackers that I’d been saving for the birds.

I walked over to Blaire’s door and knocked. She didn’t answer, so I just walked in.

She was sleeping, with her earbuds in. I smiled a little, my little girl was so beautiful, she didn’t deserve this life. She deserves a life with a real house and bed. She deserves a better mom. I looked down and sighed.

I’m such a terrible parent…

I looked at her phone, it wasn't too bad, but it was definitely one of the old phones.

At least she has one though.

I picked it up and took out the earbuds, I focused on her screen and turned it on. The lock screen was a picture of her, a typical teenager. I tried unlocking it, but it was locked. I tried typing in her name or my name, but it didn't work. I tried again but then I ended up disabling her phone, then I saw movement behind the phone, it was Blaire, she woke up and saw me trying to get into her phone.

Great…

“Mom! What the hell?? You're such a fucking snooper! Give me my phone back!!” she yelled.

“What? No, I was checking the weather!” I lied straight through my teeth, and she saw that.

She scolded me after she ripped her phone out of my hands.

“Out!” she yelled pointing to her door.

“Fine. But Blaire you can't go anywhere today, I wanna go to the beach.”

“What? You’re expecting me to stay home while you and your boyfriend go on a date??”

“We aren't dating, and I want you to come with too! Spend some time toge-”

“What makes you think I wanna spend time with you?”

“Oh come on Blaire, why can't we just do this one thing together? I'm sick of our relationship being this way…”

She leaned in, “That’s your fault.”

She was right...it is my fault. If I would have just been a better mom and cared about her more then we wouldn't be in this situation. Damn..it really is my fault…

“What if you brought a friend?”

She smiled at me, I thought I was getting somewhere, but I wasn't.

“How about I just go hangout with my friends without you??” she says standing up and heading to the bathroom.

“Why won't you do anything with me?? I keep trying to fix us but you won't let me! Why??” I asked.

She stops and turns her head slightly, “Because I hate you Jacqueline. Get it into your head.”

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

It was 11 am and me and Bryan were ready to hit the beach, I really needed the sun light after the wild night of being drunk out of my mind. I was still in a shitty mood after what Blaire said, but I had to keep my mind off of it, otherwise I would want to try something, dangerous...and I can't do that to myself, I was once in that terrible place and it was the worst time of my life.

“Ready Jackie?” Bryan called.

“Yeah!” I yelled.

I practically jumped in his car, I was that excited. He smiled at me as he drove away from my home. I smiled back, having the same feeling in my stomach I had earlier in the morning, weird, I literally just ate….

“Bryan..thank you so much for taking me here, it's really sweet..I'm sorry Blaire didn't come.”

“Why didn't she come?”

“She uh, didn’t feel good,” I smiled.

She actually just hates me and you, but that's totally not important!

“Oh..well it would have been nice for her to come.”

“Yeah..” I looked out the window, admiring the trees once again.

Soon I was admiring the sand on the beach though. A community beach obviously, I couldn't afford anything else, this is the cheapest, you don’t have to pay at all.

He got out and met me by the store stairs leading into the sand. He was holding the towels and sunscreen, he wanted to be a ‘gentlemen’ but I kept laughing at him.

“Here is perfect.”

He nodded and placed the towels down, “So, will you actually go into the deep end?”

“You're hilarious,” I laughed while grabbing out the sunscreen. “Oh come on sunshine,” he frowned.

I started putting on sunscreen and glanced at the ocean. It seemed peaceful, welcoming. I wanted to go in, but its too much. The closest I get to water, is the shore. Bryan was constantly asking me about my life and why I do certain things, but I can't answer him, not right now at least.

“Can you get my back?”

He nodded and dropped some sunscreen on his hands, then the cold thick liquid grazed my back along with his warm hands. I smiled in response.

“So, will you finally tell me why you won't touch the water??” he asked.

I scooted forward a little, I had to think of something to distract him so we wouldn't get into another fight. So I pretended I had a back ache.

“Ouch...can you rub my lower back?”

“Uh sure, then can we go in the water?”

I stayed silent as he rubbed my back. I was not going in the water, I'm sure of that.

“Any plans for Christmas??”

He stopped rubbing my back, he gently touched my arm for the attention, “Jackie, Christmas isn't for five more months..what's going on here? You know you can tell me anything right?”

I really can't though….

I turned my body fully so I was facing him, I looked at him with trusting eyes, and pulled him in for a hug. At first, he just sat there, but then he hugged me back, tightly.

“I know you can protect me, you're like my big brother, you can do anything. Thank you so much for being my friend, but some things im just too scared to say, or im just not ready…”

Or I just can't tell you because then you'll leave me just like everyone else, abuse my feelings and me, then leave me in the dust.

His grip loosened a little, then I pulled back. I mouthed ‘go’ to him, but he didnt move.

“Look Jackie, obviously theres something big you’re hiding, but it wont change how I see you. I'll always be here for you. So don't be afraid to tell me what's really going on,” he claimed.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then let it out opening my eyes, “The truth is..complicated. I can't tell you everything. But I can tell you the reason why I refuse to go in the water…”

He leaned closer, eager to hear my story, I sat on the towel and took off my sunglasses.

“Someone tried drowning me when I was fourteen…”

I expected him to overwhelm me with questions, and ask if I was okay, but none of that happened. I was kind of sad that it seemed like he didn't care, and a little disappointed that all of what he just said, wasn't true.

I looked down attempting to avoid eye contact. I looked back at the ocean but then looked away quickly, the memories were going to flood back, I just know it, but I'm not ready for it…

Bryan’s warm fingertips came in contact with my cheeks. Pulling me to look at him. I turned my head, but kept my eyes closed.

“Look at me Jackie.”

I squinted my eyes, hating the moment that would come. I knew he was going to start lecturing me and try to reason with me about how bad this was.

But when I opened my eyes, his were closed. I looked closer and saw his cheeks turning red a little, then I saw a drip of water fall down his cheek. I couldn't believe it, he was crying…

Because of me?

My mouth opened a little, surprised, no one's ever cried over me..this was new.

When he opened his dark eyes, they were staring into mine. I smiled and he became my reflection, smiling back.

The feeling in my stomach came back once again, and I finally realized what it was...not because I was hungry, but because of Bryan.

This can't be real, no, he's playing me, he's gotta be..

He started inching closer and my heart began to race. I had a feeling about what was going to happen next. My heart started to beat faster, and my cheeks flushed. I could feel myself blushing like a mad woman.. I was so flustered, it was so much to take in, but this was going to happen, now. He was going to kiss me.

Except that never happened…