Idris

It was all started when he was emotionally broken down but yet he is acting like he doesn't.

I knew my father said something to upset him. I can't blame my twin brother for being so responsible and try to fix my parents, he is more afraid than I'm that they would be separated. He is doing this for years and I wonder how couldn't he give up already. I thought we could fix them, all parents fight. We hoped they will see what they had, we hoped they still love each other and they aren't separated just for our sake. But it so hard for everyone in our home. One second it is a happy moment and it made us feel like we would have really lucky to born in a home full of happiness but the next moment we wish we shouldn't be born in this family. I know he feels the same, and he shuts everyone out he doesn't want to hurt anyone with his temper or show the hurt and pain that is killing him inside. He thinks it's his pain to bear, not anyone else.

How long he can do that? Wasn't he needs himself for him? For me?. I hate seeing him in pain. He forgave my father and my mother but he can't forgive himself for what would have happened to me in my childhood if he was late. It's not his mistake, he said when you are in pain all the dark memories cloud you until it completely consumes you, I can tell how true it is, watching him locked in a room and not willing to share the pain he is bearing for a decade. I can't let him do this, I was pacing from kitchen to living room nervously. If I can tell one thing for sure he is not weak to make any bad decisions, so suicide will never be his option. Does he have to endure everything even if it's not his fault? I'm checking the clock every now and then. It's been only 10 mins since he talked to father, but it feels like hours to me. My heart is pounding not knowing our father said, what had happened in the home, what made my twin brother so sad, it took me back to the days when we were so afraid that one of the parents should be ended up dead when we woke up, the thought alone forming nausea in my throat. I shook my head it will not happen they have changed a lot, we don't go back to those dark days, at least I hope we don't. I have to stop thinking about all the overthinking things. I don't have the guts to call home and know what happened or dare to ask my father what he said. I cannot spend another minute pacing the hallway we share with our rooms. Before I know,  I'm standing in front of his room. I wanted to knock and know he is okay. But instead of knock I leaned to the door and try to listen to anything. It is awfully quiet, my mind thinking about all the negative possibilities again, part of me telling me to go inside and comfort him like he always does. I hesitate, each second is passing feel like forever. I composed myself before knocking, still nervous. I don't want him to see in pain, seeing him in pain is killing me. It wouldn't have hurt much if I didn't love him so much, he is everything to me, he has done everything to me even I didn't do anything to him. I silently closed my eyes thinking of the moment us talking, sharing everything, how supportive he was when I needed it, how caring he was, how strong he was, how he always made me smile even I went through hell. All the happy moments of us flooded in my mind, a smile came to the corner of my lips. It gives the strength to knock on the door. I knocked, there is no movements or sound from inside. I knocked again and still, nothing came out. All at once I started to panic I'm again started to imagine all the bad things in the whole time, did something already happened to him?, Has he already done something to himself?  By thinking of such things makes me die I can't live without him, not even a second. Even if he didn't feel the same way as me, I can't imagine a life without him. But part of me hopes that's not something Jack would do. He is determined and brave. My knees became weak the longer I wait for the door to open. I was about to fall, the door swung open and a hand caught me before I fell to the ground. The black t-shirt, skinny Jeans, and messy hair make him look even more handsome. I threw myself at him, caught him off guard, I feel like there is a heavyweight on my shoulder lifted and I breathe out relief, I don't know I was holding it.

"Idris, are you okay?" Jack asked completely confused.

"I'm okay, what happened to you?" The last words barely left my lips.

"Nothing," he said when he hugs me and put me on the floor before he let me go.

"I was worried that you locked yourself in, can't you just open the door when I first knocked," I asked half furious half worried

"What happened to you? You look like shit!" He said while reaching the living room and turning his back to me.

I followed him, "I was...just... worried about you" I stuttered.

He stopped and quiet for a few seconds, then resumed walking. He still didn't answer my question. When I ask again, he opened his mouth to say "nothing".

I'm so frustrated by him hiding things from me and enduring. But he has already in enough pain I don't want to put him in much more. I slowly moved towards him. I want to comfort him, I want to make him feel he deserves to be happy more than anyone. I want him to understand that just for once he should stop worrying about others and start living his life. There were only inches between us, I'm standing behind him. I leaned towards his back, my heart is pounding out of my rib, but I ignore it for a moment. When he doesn't move I moved my arm under his arm to hug him tightly. I can sense his shoulder tightens, I didn't move I put my face on his back, rubbing it on his t-shirt, feeling the softness of the cloth. After a few seconds, his hands touched my hands only to remove them. He turns himself to me, facing me when his both hands holding my both. My breath fastens.

His hands move from my wrist to arm then shoulder to finally land on my neck, his other hand still holding my right hand. I put my hand on him, he is staring at me like I'm someone who he hasn't seen before. I'm looking at him and pleading in my eyes to open up to me, I'm willing to share his pain, I'm willing to reduce his burden. He leans closer and bends to my level. He put his forehead to mine. He sniffed, and then before I realize it, he lifts my chin up and kisses me very softly, I felt his reddish-pink lips on mine. His left hand moved to my waist to hold me in the same place. I'm sure I'm blushing, I never expect him to behave like this, there are thousands of questions running in my mind, he is kissing me because he wants to? Or he kisses me because he is sad? Does he know he is my first kiss? Sure, he doesn't. Does he feel the same way as I feel? But I have ignored all the questions in my mind. I want to remember every part of it and enjoy it while it lasts. I kissed him back, with all I have. I want this kiss to last. After a good fifty seconds of the kiss, his lips left mine, as soon as it left my lips, I already started missing him, his hand still on my neck and back.

I want to last this moment, But the selfish part of me wants to kiss my twin brother. I lean to kiss him, this time he parts my lips with his tongue and massages mine. He closed the inches between us and I can feel him getting excited on my stomach. All I want this moment to freeze but how much I wish, I knew it won't last. So, I decided to savor each and every moment of the kiss, and the way I'm pulling his hair, playing with it, I wonder why he didn't get temper when I touched his head, and my knees going weak just by kissing him. He hugged me and buried his head in my hair when he kissed me twice today.

He hugged me so tightly I can't breathe and I don't want him to loosen the grip either. I buried my face in his shoulder as I'm already on fire.

I do not dare to say anything to ruin whatever going on. Part of me wants him to know I don't love him as just my brother. I love him more than he could ever think.

He finally broke the silence and said "I love you, Idris, I love you so much".

At first, I felt like I'm frozen I couldn't move after I heard those words from him, but the realization hit me he used to say he loves me all the time, he didn't mean it romantically which disappoints me and questioning what does it mean that happens to us within the last 5 min. Even if he feels like that, I would be happy to at least comfort him, making him feel better.

I said, "I love you Jack, more than you could ever imagine." And I mean it every word.

After an intimate moment with my twin, I'm so happy that I don't want this day to end. I had two reasons one, I don't want Jack to feel any regret or anything about what happened between us a few minutes ago. Two, I'm afraid I can't keep myself or hide anything like before. I smell like Jack the flavor of mint and honey cologne which is my favorite. I'm entirely filled with his smell, which is calming me down. I want to write it in my diary. I pulled the bedside drawer to take my diary and I took the pen from the same drawer, I can't help smiling as I started to thinking and write it down what happened.

After I wrote it down, I put back in the drawer. I'm staring at the picture that I put on the side table, it was taken on our 18th birthday. Senior year and fun with friends and the same day we had applied for the college. The family dinner at Grandpa's home is the best memory. It was with the background of the plants and flowers we planted as it is a tradition for our family to plant plants on every birthday. We were so happy they let me choose which plant and how it should look.

I turned to lie on my back, now I'm staring at the ceiling and solar system light I insisted on putting in the ceiling. I played with the switch to start rotating and as it rotates my memory went back to Jack, his soft red lips on mine, how good it feels. How turned on I was, how hard he was, how he held me while he was kissing. How much the hug feels. I want to know whether he feels the same or not but I dare not to go to his room and find out. I hope he feels at least 1 fourth of what I feel. With all this happy moment I eventually fell asleep.

I woke to up the alarm on the side table show times 6:00 AM. I quickly brushed and washed my face and started ready for my daily jogging with Jack, as I tie my shoe knot I called out for him, no reply from him, I called again still no reply. He had never left me for jogging unless he is staying out of the city for work or drunk and stayed at home. I opened his bedroom door hesitatingly to see the messy bed. I went to make his bed folding the blanket and arranging the pillows and folding the corner of the bedcover. After I satisfied I checked my digital watch it's already 6:23. I realize he went without me surprised me as it hadn't done before.

When I came back to the apartment all sweety, I removed my hoodie and drank the water from the fridge. I can hear the water running in the shower in the hallway bathroom, which means Jack is in the shower. I want to ask why he left me for jogging but I didn't, at least for now. I went to the bathroom in my room and took a shower. I dried my hair with a towel and I choose the dark blue full-sleeve t-shirt matched it with light blue jean thanks for not having any formal dress code in my office. After I put a face cream to protect from sunshine and pollution I went to the kitchen knowing Jack would be cooking.

He was cooking and already had the lunchboxes to pack for both of us. I leaned on the breakfast bar as I sat on the stool.

"Good morning, sunshine" he greeted while handing me the orange juice.

I nodded as I drink the orange juice. He made a sandwich for breakfast and for lunch he is cooking something I'm not interested to know. I wanted to ask him why did he left me for jogging but before I can ask he said "My car needed wasn't started yesterday so I was fixing it in the morning I thought I could finish earlier if I start earlier and I can come with jogging with you, but it took more time and you have already left"."That's fine, I thought something else". "I just wanted it to fix it so I can drive you to the office" he offered me the sandwich with extra cheese and sauce."Hmm... Thanks" I mumbled while eating."Thanks for making my bed"."It became my daily routine at least you should know how to keep it clean or at least try to fold the blankets than leaving it all messy". I complained. He laughed, "I will do it" he lied I know he won't do that.

We laughed and finish out breakfast. He acts as nothing has ever happened yesterday night. I can't say it is what I wanted rather than him keeping distance or shut me off or I want him to remember. For now, we are good. If we talk about it maybe it could get awkward so I refuse to talk about it unless he starts it.

He dropped me at the office and waved bye and he is going out of the city today, he can't pick me up from the office to home. So he left his car in my office parking and convinced me he is good to take a cab to his office.

"Drive safe, don't drink, and get wasted. I won't be here to babysit you" he half teased half concerned.

I nodded and waved him bye as I slipped to the office.

Merlin my acquaintance who goes in the same department as I was rolling her eyes because I still stay with my brother and I'm not independent bla bla. I stay with my brother for two reasons. One, I can stay with him, I feel safe with him rather than staying alone in the apartment and missing him. Two, we already have a mortgage we have to pay for our house in my hometown, so I will consider all the cost-cutting. I told the second reason to her still she says I have to make my life on my own not to depend on him. I can't blame her for a short period of working here she is the only one I have well acquainted.

There is not much work today as I have already completed my building designs and plan and sent to the leads. I have to correct or do the changes if they asked. I love my job, I have always wanted to be an Architect and now I'm. I have good pay too. As I sit in my cabin and arranged the documents and Advanced 3d architecture book that I took from the office library. After I have arranged everything I started opening emails to see nothing new here, I have resolved some of the queries and made some changes as they asked. After I ate lunch with my teammates I resumed my work and read the book while I can in between.

I couldn't notice the time as it already 4 PM, and I can leave, I asked Merlin to come to my apartment as Jack is not due home for two days. She said she has to go somewhere she will finish that and come to my apartment at 8 PM with red wine and asking me to choose a good film and order a pizza. We waved each other and I started the car and drove to the grocery shop to buy the groceries and I was searching for a movie on Netflix's my phone beeped with a message. It's from Jack.

"I boarded London flight, don't forget to eat, have fun"

"I'll and you too".