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Prologue

From time to time I imagine things like that.

The early evening when the rain was pouring, and the back of your pale hand.

In the end, we never could understand each other.

I thought I could hear an old song, a very old one. Without any accompanying instruments, it was a song that someone was humming and it felt like I listened to that song for a very long time. Everything I had was already destroyed forever and beyond repair, and I knew that. Even so, there was an unstoppable feeling in my heart. An emotion that never faded away.

The good memories were so little and trivial that I can count them on only one of my hands.

Sometimes our time together was like hell. No matter how much I open my heart to you, the sheets that were damp with tears because of you are now dry. The feelings that I only realise now, at the end are so miserable that I want to chew my own tongue. You never made eye contact with me when I looked into your eyes. My innocence was beaten hundreds of times and trampled under your feet like garbage. Even though I knew it, I tried so hard to close my eyes. It was a horrible time, when I couldn’t see the exit and everything was dark.

I struggled to open his eyes. My hair, which seemed to be burnt, was blowing wildly in the wind, damp and wet. His left leg was numb and upon inspection twisted in a bizarre angle, the white bone was stuck firmly in the space between the driver’s seat and the door, and except for the rustling mechanical sound, the surroundings were as quiet as a dead rat.

Is this how I die?

Then it suddenly came to my mind.

I was in a hurry to a late night event. I took the car keys from my manager who shook his head saying I should give up on it; he said it would be impossible to arrive on time, so I stubbornly climbed to the driver’s seat alone. The highway was quiet, and as the scheduled time was rapidly approaching, I stepped on the accelerator to speed up. I didn’t drink or take drugs but my right foot which was supposed to be on the brake was pressing down on the gas.

On an empty road, a luxurious foreign car was speeding alone in the distance. The road entered a sharp turn, and the navigation warning message was heard from the car that did not slow down. The orange glow of the guardrails flashed dizzyingly and passed in front of my eyes. The car, which was still accelerating despite the warning messages, crashed into a different vehicle in front of it and drove through the guardrail.

What do you even live for? It was a question that I was once asked in contempt. I couldn’t pretend to not know the other meaning behind those words, so I smiled awkwardly, unable to say anything. I didn’t hate your words, but they always hurt. There were many times when I had to work hard to forget them and I would choke up as if I’m swallowing a needle.

The car that crashed and steered off the road rolled several times. I could hear the sound of my head being thrown around and my legs twisting due to the impact. I couldn’t think of anything. The pain in my body was too much. Even through the blurred vision, I smiled, but before even a small laugh could escape, I got startled as if I woke up from a dream, because of someone else’s appearance in my head.

Oppa, a sweet voice that calls out, with a sickly face wearing a hospital gown.

Huh

Frozen in shock, waking up from the daydream and facing reality, the image of a young girl flowing through my brain, as if only waiting for this moment. She was smiling and her wrists were way too thin. This moment was deplorable because she wanted to cry from the pain, but felt bad for not being able to hold back while biting her lips. ‘I hope you are popular’.I knew that she was happy for me, even if it seemed like she was jealous.

Uh… Uh…

‘Before you get married.

I need to pay all of my debts, get rid of your illness, and buy you a pretty wedding dress.’

‘I want to buy that for you’. Her face turned red from my words, and she shouted back. ‘How old do you think I am right now? And you are already talking about marriage!’ I liked the way she pulled at her blanket, as if embarrassed. Brushing her dishevelled hair, it was as if we were finally at peace.

The hellish times are already behind us.

How did I forget you? There was no hope for a person that had already been completely destroyed. Through the blurry vision, someone could be seen through the shattered window. It was evident that the cars had crashed into each other. ‘I’m sorry’. The words I couldn’t say melted in my tongue. A hot liquid kept wetting my face.

‘I am so weak that I have no confidence to live any longer, but still someone,

someone please protect this child.

Despite how strong she acts, she’s still very vulnerable,

and doesn’t know the world in which she must now live alone.’

In the midst of the intensely piercing pain, I prayed and prayed for a wish that could not even be said out loud. As my continued prayers filled the quiet space, my consciousness grew further and further away. Meaningless moments that I can’t let go of flashed before my eyes blurring together until my vision flickered and cleared up again.

There are promises that have not been kept.

There’s someone waiting.

‘When are you the happiest?’ One day, darkness suddenly came to witness the last of your voice, which had been pointlessly asking all your life.

The lights went out.

The colours that spread on the sky through the window were dazzling. As the sun was setting, I thought that the blowing wind was quite cold, and a white hand reached from somewhere skillfully closing the open window.

I admired the man for a short while, he was tall and had great proportions, the man’s head, which was only showing his back, slightly turned around and stared my way.

His face was slowly revealed with the swaying of the curtains.

Am I dreaming?

Lee Ha-Jin looked at the man in front of him and blinked. What a beautiful face, he seemed somewhat familiar. The man who had a smile on his face approached him at a quick pace.

Oh, he’s going to bump into me.

Even before he thought so, the man lightly passed through his body, with that empty feeling Lee Ha-Jin clicked his tongue this time. I guess I really am dreaming huh.

The man who passed right through him sat down in a simple chair beside the bed, and then he started mumbling about something quietly.

As he got closer, a little girl, who was hidden from his view by the man’s body, popped out. She had a pale face and dazzling round eyes, she was so pretty that you could see at a glance that she would be a beautiful woman when she grew up.

As Lee Ha-Jin stared at the little girl, thinking that her small mouth and her whispering resembled a canary bird, he realised that the bed, IV, and a room covered in white paint everywhere was clearly a hospital room.

It was a lonely sight because the one bed in the room was exceptionally big.

Why am I dreaming about something that I don’t even know?

Replaying my memories from earlier today, I’m sure I was definitely on my way home after making a deal.

But strangely enough, after that, all I could see was pitch black. Did I pass out? Lee Ha-Jin looked down again at the man and the little girl.

The man’s fingertips were gently brushing the girl’s hair. It was a careful and tender movement that felt like it was meant to touch something precious, that was what he felt when he saw those two for the first time.

The conversation was calm and full of mundane things. The little girl was smiling when their eyes met, blushed and pretended to vomit at the man’s jokes that she occasionally heard.

A soft silence, a gentle touch. The hospital room, where there were only the two of them, was full of such things, and there was something so distant that he felt as if it was a different world.

It was quiet, and Lee Ha-jin was just staring at the two without saying a word from the opposite side of the hospital room. Then, like an illusion, time went by.

The man would return home and would come back a few days later late at night, and as soon as he opened the door of the hospital room and came in, Lee Ha-Jin could tell right away how important the child was to him.

The way his face changed, from an expression of wandering somewhere in hell aimlessly and finally returning home.

The tired man’s face softens at the girl’s voice calling out to him; ‘oppa’. He looked relieved.

The peaceful time passed by slowly, and Lee Ha-jin was just staring at the two without saying a word.

I don’t know when it will end, but I think it’s not a bad dream.

The wait wasn’t very long. When he stirred at a certain feeling that ran through his head, the door of the hospital room that had been closed became transparent as if it was announcing that it was time to wake up.

It was an unbelievably delicate dream; it took him a moment to dispel the magic and he woke up in his usual seat with a gentle smile on his face.

‘Please protect this child,’

It was the man. Those words came out from his mouth while he was staring at him with a gaze full of desperation.’ I am so weak that I have no confidence to live any longer, ‘

With a quiet voice, the man’s gaze fell on a corner of the bed that was now empty. He looked tired.

‘She doesn’t know the world in which she must now live alone, so please

She is unaware of this hellish reality. So, I wanted you to protect that child…’ he could see the wet streaks on the face of the begging man.

Every person who fell into despair always made the same face. Thinking that he had a similar face to that, Lee Ha-jin turned around and tried to leave the hospital room.

The end of those who knew despair was always the same, and he was not the kind of person who sympathised with it or felt sorry for it.

‘Yeah, I’m sure it was.’

Stopping dead in his tracks, Lee Ha-Jin looked down at the man who was crying silently. The hazy memories were slowly flooding into his mind.

I was on my way home from the deal. Dae-joon, who was driving, glanced at the rear-view mirror anxiously. ‘Boss, The car in the back isn’t showing any signs of slowing down.’

I opened my tired eyes, told him to let it pass us, and then closed them back again.

I had a premonition that something stil was amiss. And at the next moment, ‘Fuck!’ When I opened my eyes reflexively to Dae-joon’s loud voice, the car drove through the guardrail and crashed seemingly because it had been hit hard from the back.

Oh, this is how I’m going to die.

Lee Ha-jin remembered the last part of his dream. Closeby, the man, who had clearly crashed into his car, was crying sadly with a bloody face. The man from his dream was identical to the man who is crying in front of him now.

Get out of here!

His head flooded with thoughts of danger. Yeah, I have to go. Then he tried to move slowly, but he couldn’t move as if his foot was stuck to the floor, as he heard the sound of the man’s voice again.

‘I am so weak that I have no confidence to live any longer, but still someone,

someone please protect this child.

Please, somebody… Please please….’

It resembled a prayer. The flow of tears showed no signs of stopping, and the man’s cheeks were soaked. When he felt that he couldn’t wait any longer, the legs he could not move previously finally left their position.

The man’s cry grew louder as he walked without hesitation toward the closed door. In the afternoon in the hospital room, by the window where the sun shines, where only the two of them spend time together.

His hand stretched out.

***

His palms were soaked in tears, not knowing that they were actually mercy for the rest of his life.

‘I got it. Don’t cry.’

Lee Ha-jin’s hand headed to the man’s cheek instead of the doorknob in the hospital room. The man, who was crying, raised his head at his awkward voice as he clumsily wiped his wet cheeks.

Their eyes met, and looking at Lee Ha-jin, the man smiled with a wet face as if he had witnessed kindness for the first time in his life. The man smiled sadly and his face started to slowly fade away.

Everything began to spin dizzyingly as if the space around them was breaking, and in between, a man’s cracking voice could be heard over and over again. ‘Thank you, thank you. And….’ his vision is getting darker. The sound is gradually disappearing.

‘And… I’m sorry.’

After those words, everything went black

The public was buzzing due to the sudden incident. The death of Lee Si-Hyun, a member of the popular idol group Remegeton. The trending keywords on various forum sites were all covered with that, and numerous reporters and fans flocked to the hospital, but no one could enter due to tight security. As a result, all kinds of speculations and rumours became rampant and seemed to ride the wave of mourning, but soon began to spread a vicious rumour. It might be natural. Lee Si-Hyun was the only member who had more antis than fans.

[Anonymous] Maybe he died because he was being punished by god.

Comments of such fashion received more support than hate and were at the forefront of the discussion. Most of the comments below were also vulgar or malicious, and sometimes, there were comments asking not to insult the deceased, but most of them were buried silently.

‘What should I do if I can’t take the money I earned to the afterlife after doing everything I did; I tried to leave Remegeton and to move to the other company, but I ended up leaving my life’

Public opinion turned back to sympathy, despite the vicious comments still piling up.

Comments started coming up saying that the people who posted malicious comments went too far and that it was too much to insult the dead in that fashion. All of them were not funny.

At that time, Lee Si-Hyun’s younger sister was exhausted and collapsed while sobbing on the spot after confirming her brother’s body, and all the members who ran in a hurry looked dark and silent. Seo Ra-Jun, the only one who showed tears, caressed the back of Lee Si-Hyun’s hand, which had hardened because he was a corpse, he could not even look at the body covered in white cloth. Feeling that he was not alive, he cried louder, once again, the morgue was engulfed in silence after Lee San-Yu, who couldn’t stand it, took Seo Ra-Jun outside.

They couldn’t say anything.

The last time they saw him, only swearwords were thrown around.

Rumours that he would leave the group without consulting with them made the members who heard about it ask him if they were true, Lee Si-Hyun simply went into his room without saying anything. Someone turned him by his shoulder and pushed him harshly. It was Kang Eui-Hyun, who was hot-tempered, he turned his eyes to Lee Si-Hyun’s urging him to talk with a tired face.

‘How much more should we endure? You punk!’ Criticism poured down with harsh swear words as if the dissatisfactions of the past had finally exploded. Lee San-Yu was silent, and Yoo Chan went into the studio. In the meantime, only Seo Ra-Joon tried to stop the fight, but it didn’t work.

Lee Si-hyun seemed to have lost his mind gradually.

The room stayed still, until Kang Eui-Hyun tired from grabbing Lee Si-Hyun and not getting a reply, he cussed and left him alone.

Seo Ra-Jun, who came late, patted him on the shoulder, asking if he was okay, but he suddenly stood up and approached the manager who had been watching him restlessly, saying, “Well, I have to go film.” Filming? Everyone was dumbfounded and watched as he forcibly took the car key from the manager who shook his head saying that it would be impossible to go now and asked to just cancel the schedule.

Then Kang Eui-Hyun, who only looked at him going out without even stopping him, burst out in rage again. ‘You crazy Punk!’ He kicked a chair which hit the ground with a loud bang.

After a while they heard the news.

Lee Si-Hyun, who came back, was now a cold corpse.

It was a car accident. It was too late at night, and it was a desolate place, so the paramedics couldn’t arrive immediately, they crashed out of the guardrail. Everyone was speechless to hear that they had been left in pain for about an hour in a state of being unable to open their mouths.

Kang Eui-Hyun bowed his head. Lee Si-hyun, who was lying down, remained the same even after he blinked several times. ‘No matter how much I hated you and how angry I was, or how frustrated I was. Even so

We never said you could go and die…

Hey, Get up.

You’re trying to deceive us again right? You think we wouldn’t know?… Did you really think I’d fall for it?…’

Realising his voice was trembling, Kang Eui-Hyun did not stop talking. He’s scared that this is really the last time he sees him.

‘Lee Si-Hyun, wake up. I won’t get mad if you wake up now. I’ll be patient… I will be patient. I’ll do that.

Please…’

However, it was not long after he burst into tears , he could not endure the cold appearance of Lee Si-Hyun, who wouldn’t wake up no matter how many times the trembling voice asked him.

And after that night.

The Internet began to be plastered with shocking reports that Lee Si-Hyun, who was declared dead, opened his eyes again.