I was being pushed into a corner where no one would even consider going. But it wasn’t a corner which was possible to be felt physical. It was a mental thing. 

If you stood next to me, seeing my physical appearance, you wouldn’t even consider my situation being something this nerve wracking and destroying me from the inside, slow but steady. I looked normal. That was the point which bothered me and is still bothering me the most. 

Maybe someone could have helped me. Earlier. When it would have been possible to consider taking therapy. When I was still somewhat stable. 

No one noticed me miserably dying from the inside. Not until it was too late and I called for help by myself. And even afterwards no one would care whether I actually was doing ok. They just took it as given that after three years of mental hospital I wouldn’t have a backflash. But a matter of fact was that leaving me alone did my mental illness not the less. 

I have had some backflashs. Could I control them? Not let them take over my whole being?

The answer to those questions is yes. I had to pay for it. With many scars decorating my body.

Due to my knowledge about the absence of support from my family I applied for early inheritance and packed my things. I left. 

I started a new life. My backflashs did hinder me in the first years but I learned working with them. I worked hard on getting rid of them. But later on I understood that they won’t go away if I don’t know the trauma behind them. Since I was aware of this I wasn’t fighting against the attacks anymore. I used them. For inspiration. For work. For being free. I drew. And it helped. It helped getting a clearer picture of what eventually was the real trouble inside me pushing me into these depths from time to time.

I couldn’t defeat the trauma to its fulliest but I got a hold of it and am able to deal with it. I didn’t go through this on my own. I think I wouldn’t have been able to conquer this trauma without these two. My help and support throughout the time was my soulmate, that’s at least what we’ve been since we found each other drunk at some club, and my current husband. They did me great and they wouldn’t and didn’t want to leave my side.

I never received anything from my “family”. I mean they aren’t my real family anymore, only some blood related persons I don’t have any emotional binding to, I guess never really had or at least it vanished pretty fast over the years.

Right now I am happy with what I have. My small Art and Flowers shop, my soulmate and my husband. Maybe there will be more in the future. But you never know.

So it was my fifth birthday. I am a little boy named Moon.

I had a family, mom, dad and a younger sister. I asked my parents continuously to go to an amusement park that they gave in and we visited one. 

I was very excited and even the others got infected with my joy. 

We rode many different roller coasters. Naturally the ones that were free for my or my sister's age group.

I wanted to ride some larger rollercoasters but sadly I wasn't allowed to do so.

We were there all day and ate many sweets like cotton candy and lollies. 

We ended the day with a ride on the Ferris wheel. We could look all over the park and the lights were like little colorful stars. 

It was dark when we went back home. We drove on the highway and I was drifting into sleep. Shortly before I could fall asleep I heard a squeak and then I felt a jolt. Our car turned over quite a few times. I didn't really realise what happened. The only thing I clearly remember is that among all the voices screaming I couldn't hear my sister's voice. I was paralyzed. Then I closed my eyes and it went dark. The next time I opened my eyes was because I heard sirens and blue light flashed in front of my eyes. I sat up and saw my mom and dad holding a lifeless body in their hands. It felt like my body was moving on it's own and I was just a silent viewer. My body ran towards my parents and on the way I became aware of the identity of the person my mother was holding onto. It was my younger sister. She looked peaceful and untroubled. I looked at my parents who looked back with tears pouring out of their eyes. I saw the relief into their eyes when they saw me but shortly afterwards the sadness came back and replaced the little happiness. There were blood stains all over my parents body. Now that I looked closer at my sister's body, isn't she also covered in blood? Wait, why is she covered in blood?

It wasn't easy for me but in the end I put up the courage to ask my parents:" Mommy? Daddy? Is sis okay? Why isn't she waking up? " My mommy silently raised her head and looked at me with so much sorrow and sadness in her eyes that I was shocked. Then I looked at my dad who looked at me with the same emotions as my mom did. I didn't need any words to understand. When the truth finally hit me I just collapsed hearing the screams of my parents. My last thought before everything went black was: "Sis is gonna be alright!! She has to! "

I might continue this story with some other shorts.

My other story "A Wish Was Enough" contains this part of the story a little bit different so if you like look into this too.