„There's something about arriving in new cities, wandering empty streets with no destination. I will never lose the love for the arriving, but I'm born to leave." — Charlotte Eriksson, Empty Roads & Broken Bottles; in search for The Great Perhaps

•••

I thought today was going to be an ordinary day.

Day as always. Boring, filled with hiding in the corners of the streets, melting with the darkness of the backstreets. Just to fill my free time, of doing nothing.

But I was mistaken, thinking everyday’s routine would repeat.

Looking around, I was walking with a steady pace to the point of my destination.

Those high and gloomy condominium buildings, placed next to each other, like a big and impenetrable wall of concrete, were blocking the narrow city streets from the dancing rays of morning sunlight.

The tall corporation skyscrapers were randomly scattered throughout the nearest surroundings.

The crossing nets of asphalt alleyways were ink black and icy cold, like the bottom of the mysterious ocean I've never seen. Entwining every last free place of this land I'm standing on, those streets created a mysterious maze, a puzzle not even the oldest veterans of my city could acknowledge.

Crossing this labyrinth is equal to blinding yourself in the cage of a beast. Even at the day, when thin rays of light poorly try to reach the surface of the road, those streets remain ominous and creepy.

The colorful, sparkling projectors and screens were the only things constantly lighting up the walls of sad and pitiful avenues. Light and dark, white and black, opposite elements coexisting at the same time.

Neon banners and electrical installments were excessively covering the near surroundings. People are trying to make their best, advertising useless stuff, trying to promote their little and insignificant businesses. But that doesn't work. Seeing so many of it, makes me sick. Those people still don't understand. It's so sad that everything in the industry of our metropolis is set by the system.

My eyes got sick of this sight a long time ago. Those tons of vibrant lights were piercing though my eyes, blinding me every time I walked through those alleys, even more than my so thought up darkness of the labyrinth would do. Believe me, walking every day through this crazy and flickering maze of lights made me and my eyes suffer from photophobia - the light sensitivity. The solution to this problem was simple though. I couldn't avoid walking down the streets, so I thought of something unusual — wearing sunglasses. They not only gave me protection from the irritating light pollution, but secured my privacy and image too.

However, finding and buying sunglasses in this weird city, where the sunlight barely reaches the ground, was a very difficult task. But it was definitely worth it. The positivities were uncountable. For example - being able to watch and look in the eyes of many people without them noticing it.

People in this city are always marching like ants through the corridors in the anthill. Each of them with their own task, destination, walking without further thoughts. But are their actions the result of their own will? Watching those mysterious, yet simple people behind my pair of glasses makes me think even more about this, the freedom of will in this cursed city.

As I think of it now, this metropolis reminds me of the human body, a living organism with veins. We, humans, are like blood, that travels all over the city-body. We supply, we exchange, we are needed for this city to be alive.

My name is Asha, and I'm an 18 years old teenager living in this cursed metropolis. This place is the thing I hate the most in the entire world. Maybe it's because there is nothing else left in the world?

„Here comes the dark sarcasm king, watch out folks, or you're gonna become depressed like me instantly." – I whispered to myself as I walked quickly through the long and creepy streets of the T-V district.

I don't think this district's name is creative at all. It makes me think that we, variety and plenty of people living in this big district are some sort of experimental rats, that are used to some sort of psychological attempt or test. I hope that my sick thoughts won't become true at all. Sometimes I wish I hadn't had such a luxuriant imagination at all. It's just sad, that people having dreams are automatically convicted to this phrase:

,,You can dream whatever you want, but you know what? In this metropolis none of it will become true. So stop dreaming on my lessons and focus right now!" – as the teachers used to say in my school. Not only to me.

There were many other kids that were having dreams of boundless traveling, mighty adventures, exploring the unknown and beautiful. The imaginations of those kids were melted quickly, just like a cotton candy thrown into the water. (Maybe that's why I avoid going to school as much as possible.)

I'm not surprised that our society is so gloomy, without any word of their own. They were raised to be colorless and to obey the reality they were set in.

Me and almost eight hundred million people are forced to live in this enormous metropolis, like a golden birdcage filled to its utter fullness, bursting at the seams. But the birds are too stupid to get out, too lazy to make actions, some of them just gave up, and the ones that actually want to get free, are stopped by the bodies of others, and by the hard and tough rods.

Lectus — a word from the Latin language that means: „Selected, the chosen ones" — that's the official name of the metropolis that I live in. Living in the city of chosen ones doesn't give me higher self-esteem or make me feel more important than anyone else. In this big society I mean nothing.

Lectus is a dense concrete, neon jungle in a shape of a circle, but there is more than just that. This multidimensional structure with its buildings reaching to the top of the sky broke the common sense of the furthest imaginations anyone ever had. Layered and constructed like a whole another planet, Lectus is the most complicated and tangled structure ever to be known in humans history. With almost 120 kilometers width and over 10000 square kilometers of space (not including its multi-leveled areas) this metropolis is a home to over 800 million different human beings. Surrounded on all sides by over 1,5-kilometer tall and thick concrete walls, and being under the protection of the artificial protective barrier, that no being can pass, Lectus is a truly unique prison that nothing can escape from.

This metropolis is divided in 7 sectors — different sized rings entering each other, and every ring has allocated 8 districts. The further the sector is from the center — core of the Lectus — the less rich and important it is. This metropolis was created to unite the people that have survived in the catastrophe, but how much far has it gone from its goal. Society was divided into classes. People were placed in different districts and were made to do things they didn't want to do. And changing your life is not easy in the current situation. I live in the parody of Plato's Utopia. I haven't attended to school lessons too much, so I may not know what the history of this city was taught to my peers and other people living in this city. This story comes from somewhere else.

Nearly 100 years ago, the great planet Earth that I am currently living on, was in the good state. Everyone was living happily, doing whatever they wanted to do. So how can I call the times when Earth was being destroyed by the global warming and depleted in resources — good? At those times, our planet was slowly dying, but still doing quite good in comparison to now. One day, everything changed with one little mistake and oversight. The year 2012. The year of the dreadfulness. It was when this all happened.

On a shiny and warm day of September, when not even one soul expected anything out of ordinary to happen, in one moment, the whole sky glowed pure white. Insane brightness lightened every corner of the world, even the darkest ones, blinding and burning everything that couldn't cover itself from its deathly, saint aspect. The ground started to move, as if it was trying to run, escape from the hellish hotness it was covered by. Everything moved violently, as if ancient titans hidden underground, in the depths of the Earth's mantle, wanted to leave their miserable and constant “every day" and protest against the imprisonment.

The temperature of almost one hundred million Celsius degrees entangled kilometers of the nearest surroundings and unconscious beings, turning everything exposed to it to fine ashes. The sounds of sirens and screams were mixed with noises of collapsing cities, buildings, roads, the common world. Being unable to see, to hear, to feel, people really weren't aware, that's this was the last sight they were possibly seeing in their miserable lives.

Within seconds, the „White Widow" as the meteorite was named, wiped out almost everything from the Earth's surface, leaving it to look like the deepest floor of hell. Infernum.

Out of over eight billion of people living their normal lives in 2012, only the sorrowful thirty percent of the people survived this disaster. But surviving it didn't mean getting out of this without any scratches. The majority of the humanity were left living with many incurable detriments on their health. Burns from the merciless heat, radiation sickness, blindness from the impact light, limb fractures from collapsing surroundings. Many diseases embraced the little of the humanity left, so many died after time.

The fact that everything you have lived for until now has been destroyed, turned into ashes, also left a mark on the humanity. This mark was even deeper and more painful than the physical injuries. With this scar on the soul, the unfamiliar misery was spread. The fear of the unknown, what is to come next, where to go, what to do. No one really knew what to do next, what comes.

And then he appeared. The man that rescued the survivors left to death in the unsafe and hostile environment.

Adam Victor Deus. The creator, ruler, and builder of the city. With the help of his wealth and organization - Union of Cultural Unsworn States, he gathered all the survivors from around the globe in one safe place, far from the meteorites impact, and led the people that thought there is no more meaning in their lives. With the help from all the survivors, he built the metropolis of hope, for every desperate soul there was — Lectus. As the leader with unparalleled charisma and leadership skills, that guided the creation of refuge, a new home for the left humanity, he was proclaimed a legend, that everyone seeks to until recent days.

After 6 years of hard work, strenuous efforts and torment, Lectus was announced as a place ready to be populated with the people that were the healthiest. Those people were conspired to live in the unity and understanding, two key values declared by Adam Victor Deus.

He didn't know how much his vision of a peaceful idyll would change.

Oh, he didn't.

•••

I was walking down those unfriendly and flashing streets with a quick pace. I normally would think about how to avoid school and unnecessary attention from the Order Officers — a law organization that checks the city order and puts their curious noses everywhere. But there was one suspicious thing that concerned me.

Where are everyone?

Why is there no living soul on the street?

An early morning, still dark and cold. Thousands of people usually storm the streets at this time of a day, in order to travel to their only time taker — work.

I don't know what the hell is happening. That's way more suspicious and dangerous than walking and hiding myself in the train of thousands of people that everyday walk through those avenues.

The thing that scares me the most is the acknowledgment of stuff that is happening in this big metropolis. The long and narrow alleys are empty, as if all the citizens have dissolved into the air.

I walked past the high buildings and stopped myself in the middle of the crossroad. This is the first time in my life that I have seen such an intriguing sight.

In every direction I looked, I just saw straight, endless dark avenues going to the infinity, and the asphalt streets reflecting the colorful, but weirdly weak, lights from neons placed on the buildings.

No living soul in the reach of my sight, nothing moved, I could say that nothing existed beside me at that moment. This view created and illusion, causing me to believe that ahead of me I had four tunnels of void, that would lead me to the another world.

How wonderful would it be if it actually came true? How much different would it be from this place? What would I see and experience? Or maybe it's the dream that I am in right now?

I dreamed for a while, for a better world. I stopped when I suddenly heard loud footsteps. I couldn't determine from where they were coming, as the sounds echoed around me. They were coming closer. I got frightened, because opposite of what I thought, I wasn't alone in this concrete void.

When everyone around disappear, the ones hiding deep in the darkness get out.

Getting out of my home today was a one hel of a big mistake, but I had to do it…

I must deliver some recordings I’ve done the other night.

A few days ago, a turmoil happened in the west side of the district. By eavesdropping on the local officers radio I got the information about an action that was taking place in an abandoned street.

As it turned out, a manslaughter had been committed. People without any roof above their head tried to use the old buildings on the street and make themselves a place that could be called a shelter. Never a home. But as it turns out, no single support is granted from the government. What they do instead, is getting rid of their problems in an easy, but brutal and unmoral way. But in a world like this, morality has been gone lost a long time ago.

The order officers, are the opposite of what an order protectors should be.

They are the guardians of their own interests, the ones that control every aspect of your life. One wrong move, words, action and the officers will take everything you’ve earned.

With a simple reason: “If you can’t obey the “simple” rules, you are not worthy of the gifts the metropolis gives you.”

That is, a place to function. A place where all of your nightmares come true, negative emotions rise from the depths of your mind, everything just for a reference point in your life.

I just wonder where do such heartless people even come from. They do not care about the weak and the poor, and work for the ones with influence and money.

That is, for the ones that had it all since the beginning of this metropolis. When the division happened.

Our roles in the society have been assigned since our birth, I could name that a “cast", but our government avoids using this word, it's almost like a curse. They act like it's free to move, free to think, they pretend to be blind and deaf.

Raising all of the goods on your own, was straight up unachievable.

Anyone that was born here, stays here. The society is divided into casts, that do not care about your personal evolution.

As it was, it stays.

If you want to move to another district, it's not that easy, you need to have a special pass, as once you live in a specific place, it's hard to move to another one. But even harder, almost impossible, is to move to another sector — inner or outer ring of our metropolis. A dream everyone grew up from, with a lower chance than a miracle happening.

Because, everyone in their lives fail even once. That is considered as a great flaw in yourself.

Everything unnecessary you do in this metropolis will cost you more than you would even think of. That's why what am I doing right now is like disarming the bomb. Stand out a little and they're going to write you down, ruin your future and life. But wasn't life in this metropolis convicted to be painful from the beginning? Order. What an easy thing to break.

I didn't want to get caught especially at the times I didn't know what was happening.

Once again, I got too far away from what’s happening right now. I thought quickly about what should I do, and then without further hesitation, I rushed into one of those mystical avenues, trying to get as far away from the increasing sounds of footsteps, as I could. The noises of my panting and running were sure loud, and I couldn't tell if I actually were getting further away from the mysterious footstep sounds. The lights flashed quickly before my eyes. I can run fast, but hell I can't run for long.

“Why didn't I exercise more? And my didn't I tie my hair? My facemask... It's so hard to breathe through it now... I'm so stupid." — I asked myself in my mind, as I was getting out of breath and my long bangs were getting in the way of my face. The mask covering my identity makes it harder to get more air... I was scared of losing my freedom. It could be taken so easily. I couldn't give up on it and everything I've done until now. I can afford to lose it, and the probability that I won't see “him" again.

I stopped running after a while, as the surroundings got quiet enough. My body was definitely overused.

„I'm a master of hiding, not escaping" — I thought while leaning against a wall.

The sight of four pitch black alleys that I just run from suddenly came to my mind. What a pity I didn't take a photo of this magnificent image. I love to take photos on every occasion. Documenting everything I see is my everyday habit, and it's very useful. Even the smartest people can sometimes forget something important in their life. I think that by taking photos you can build your memory library little by little. Keeping even the most ordinary picture can bring some old memories back...

But that's not the only things I'm passioned about documenting stuff. It's my full time job.

Every day I go out into the wild and dangerous jungle this metropolis is, and register every indecent and wrong action that authorities commit against the citizens of Lectus.

The organization I belong to, RR — Rats of the Rebellion, collects data and evidence in every district there is. Our goal is to make the society more aware of what inhuman and incorrect place they live in.

I haven’t been so long in their ranks, but I can say that our work is extremely dangerous and risky.

This organization is like an alive organism. With functioning receptors, the ones that collect the evidence against the officers. Nerves, the ones who safely transmit the data from the receptors to the brain, the main leaders of the group. They analyze, gather, and decide what to show to the world and what to keep in for later usage.

The idea of it all is great, but there is one main problem aside from the governors of course.

The people that should be concerned.

The RR really do a great job in exposing the wrongdoings of the officers, and that they aren’t friendly to the people at all. But that’s something we all know. Maybe the majority doesn’t know about them crossing the moral line yet, but all of those people living here…

They are just to scared to take any actions to stop it. And the worst is, that no one knows when one of unjust judgements will fall on them.

The society is too undecided and divided in their own needs and problems, that gathering all of them for a one riot and opposing the crisis that tumbles the lower districts, in never likely to happen.

They are too weak mentally, so they will always be in the handcuffs of their own fate, not being able to change their hard life’s.

Any sparks that appear throughout the history, like charismatic leaders, are quickly and silently being extinguished, so no one even knows what happened. Everyone around just forgets about that anyway.

I don’t know what would have to happen for them all to realize that we can’t continue living like that.

Every day I wonder, why is it like this?

The lower society daily struggles with the lackage of food and water. Poverty is common, with people often taking darker detours in the ways of their lives, like human trafficking, drugs, robberies, murders. But it’s the hardship of moral life that makes them become like that.

And the ones that try to stay in the light of being “good”. They do not hide in the darkness of the back alleys, yet get innocently accused of thing they haven’t done. Being kidnapped or even slaughtered on the streets, nobody talks about it, Order Officers make our lives remind those of programmed robots, that have to obey everything you command them and the system. Where are the eyes of these people, being pushed around like that?

If I could only change the reality… Give them freedom…

While thinking about all of the problems around me, I remembered, that I have to go somewhere. A very important mission that had to be completed.

I had a meeting with my friend, a person that transfers the proof I register to someone that actually can do something with it, a person in the “brain” of the RR.

It would be too easy if I just posted it on the web. When everything you do is tracked, I would only get myself in deeper crap I wouldn't be able to get out of. I would be immediately tracked and taken to the place I have no knowledge about, a place where all of the inobedient go. That’s why working alone is a one-way ticket to losing your freedom.

As I walked further along the dark alley, I saw enormous and tall corporation buildings in the distance, with their blinking lights and projectors showing the most deserved people of the city. I wonder how tall are those building? I've never been close to them. As I saw the faces on the colorful projectors clearly from such far away, I thought they must be enormous indeed. This huge city sparkled and shined amazingly at day and night, with thousands of color and expressions, changing every second.

When you ask the people on the streets, what is the most beautiful thing they have ever seen in their life, the most expected answer is — this metropolis. The place where we all live in. The answer is flat. Maybe it's because their life is still like water in the puddle after the artificial rain? Or maybe they are afraid to say anything else, because what possibly could they see? They have never seen anything beautiful, nothing else than this city, and they will never see.

This city is a cage, a big concrete and metal box, that has only one view to the outside world, the sky. But even the sky isn't real, and the stars, and the moon aren't as beautiful and gorgeous as in the real life. Those things are constant, like a picture, they never change. I wonder if I will ever see anything else beside this city. I wonder if I will ever see the clear sky, the sun shining freely and fully, and the wondrous world that lays behind the tall walls of our cage.

I was getting closer to the place of our meeting. We were supposed to meet at the side alley that was located by the north metro station. Every district in this city has 5 main metro stations. The central one and 4 more that head to different directions inside the district.

I waited in silence for my companion to come, and I was getting frustrated. Why did I even come out of the house in the first place? Why didn't I come back after realizing that no one was on the streets? And why isn't he coming? He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.

Wasn't that enough for me? I questioned myself with anger.

Suddenly, something black moved in the corner of my eye. I quickly focused and tried to find the weird object. Out of the blue, I felt something fluffy and soft rub into my leg. I jumped from fear and freaked out screaming, making the thing run away from me, into the dark alley I was standing by.

“What-t... What the hell?!” – I yelled as I was looking at the place the object disappeared in. What was that?!

After a second, it slowly came out of the darkness showing itself clearly. In the colorful lights of the neons, a dark cat was standing on the asphalt, looking at me with his big yellow eyes. I couldn't believe in what I just saw.

“A cat?! In here? Buddy! How did you manage to find yourself in this cruel place? Order Officers would have dealt with you a long time ago!” – I crouched down and reached my hand towards the creature.

It came closer to me and rubbed its fuzzy head against my fingers. I felt sad for it, Order Officers catch every free animal roaming around the metropolis, and their fates are the same, dark same for everyone. Only the high-placed and rich people can afford to have pets, indoors. Those living outside are seen as a potential disease spreaders and secret message delivers. If they manage to survive, they never know what awaits them around every corner.

I searched its soft fur with my fingers. No collar, no anything else. The cat licked my hand with its sharp tongue, and fled into the dark alley it came out of previously. I didn't move and waited.

Does it want to show me something? The creature sticked out its head from the darkness, and looked at me as if wanted to invite me into the pitch dark unknown.

“Do you want me to go with you buddy?”

The cat nodded.

Shocked, I carefully went after the cat, barely seeing anything in this alley. I took off my sunglasses and tried to focus my eyesight to distinguish my surroundings. Unfortunately, I didn't have any source of light to help guide myself.

While I was wondering in which direction to go, I heard a silent meow. I followed it and thought:

Where the hell is this creature taking me? Why am I even following some weird cat, that doesn’t have any reason to be here right now, as their kind had been purged a long time ago. And, I was supposed to meet a person a few minutes ago?

But my curiosity in this monotone city was sucking me deeper inside of that dark road.

Every now and then, the cat meowed to help me find my way. I never knew, that this place even existed, such dangerous and dark alleys would infuriate the higher ups.

Am I doing the right thing? I just had to wait for my friend…

I followed the sounds for a while, and then unexpectedly, I saw something mysterious and weird at the end of the alleyway.

From behind the corner was coming a blue and flashing light, and as I slowly got closer, I started to hear weird noises. I heard battle noises of struggling bodies fighting each other. Every kick, punch and scream echoed through the closed and narrow alleyway. The cat showed itself in the blue light and looked at me with its big eyes. Suddenly, it ran into the alley around the corner, into the source of the light and noises.

“Wait! No! Hey! Don't run in there! You suicidal cat! Come back!!!” – I tried to scream as I looked behind the corner.

What is happening there… These ominous sounds and creepy lights… A gem of fear started to crystallize inside of me.

I didn't want to lose the cat from my sight. Furthermore, I didn't also want anything bad to happen to him. I wanted to help, it deserved a better life and home. This poor creature should have better home than “the streets".

I followed its running silhouette with my eyes, and decided to rush. As a habit when entering mysterious places like that, I turned on my recording camera.

I ran forwards the ominous lights and noises, with an awful feeling that before me, there won’t be anything good.

And then, out of nowhere, before I reached the exit, something cold and hard grabbed my leg, causing me to toughly fall to the ground.

Before I could react, my face with an impact hit the concrete ground, and my hand trying to rescue it, scratched themselves against the harsh surface.

“Aghhh... Great!” - I shouted lying in demise on the cold and hard street. I tried to get up immediately, but that was a bad idea. I moved my body in pain, and felt something warm flow down my face.

And the cat, it was nowhere to be seen.

“Why am I so reckless and always run too fast, not watching the surroundings? How did I not notice the the obstac...”

Sitting frightened on my knees, I turned my head. There was something lying on the ground, that I haven’t noticed earlier… I felt the cold object…

Behind me, was a thick hand, sticking out of the darkness.

“Aaaaaah!!!”

I jumped back in fear, as I didn’t know whose hand was it, but after a second, I slowly crouched to the body to analyze it.

A dark, thick outwear, reminding me of a coat-suit mix, being strangled with a black belt with things attached to them. Pockets were everywhere on this outfit. The tech wear I’ve been familiar with… The clothes were severely damaged and soaked with blood. Do I recognize this outfit from somewhere? Oh no…

Unfortunately for me, this hand belonged to a Order Officer, now lying still on the ground without any traces of life. His dark blue military outfit was burnt in few places.

…! An officer?!?! Wait… Wait… If there is one… There must be definitely more around…

And I’m completely defenseless… Oh no… Oh no… I need to escape this place.

What did exactly harm this officer?!

The person wearing this was a man, that had no more than 20 years old. His blonde locks were lying in the dust of the street, tangled with little rocks. His quite young and fixed face showed no emotions, as if this person was empty inside. His long eyelashes here calmly resting on his handsome face, and his big, pale now lips, awaited for something to resurrect their owner. Was this… person dead?

I attempted to touch his face with my shivering hands, but my attention was brought elsewhere. I noticed that his right hand was holding weird thing.

That’s… a laser gun, with its red light still turned on. The weapon was still active!!!

The magical realization came to me immediately. In our reality, getting a shooting weapon is almost impossible. I started trembling from the excitement, and my stomach hurt a little bit. I mean, this man is almost dead? I don’t have the ability to help him, no matter what. This crushed my heart with a bitter feeling. This is a person after all, but it’s an order officer. A one that killed dozens of others probably. With distaste and a grudge in my mind, I inhumanely decided that getting the weapon is more important than concerning myself with the wellbeing of this man.

I carefully reached my long hand to grab the weapon next to the body, when suddenly the gun sight pointed straight into my forehead.

The body which I was over, breathed so slowly, that I couldn’t detect anything. I turned my head just to look straight into the eyes of the man. They were delicate, with the color of light green, like the leaves on the trees described in all the books I read, and they were looking at me with unknown fear and despair. I looked at him too, trying the best to express what am I feeling right now. With the working weapon pointing at me, I could die any moment. Is this were it ends? I don’t want to die. I…

In moments like this, a human doesn’t know what to think. It’s an indescribable feeling swallowing you whole. You don’t know how to react.

I wanted to see many things… the beautiful sky, wild nature, happy people, and the free world.

I closed my eyes and waited.

“R..run.” — I heard a quiet, but deep voice.

“Run quickly... Go back...” — I opened my eyes and realized that the young man put his weapon down on the ground.

His face expressed the pain he must have felt, as the blood stains were getting bigger. Looking better at him, I could say he was just a bit older than me. I felt miserable and pitiful of him. Maybe it isn’t what he wanted. It’s not what we all wanted. It’s the first time in my life that I felt pitiful for an Order Officer. Lying like that, with no future before him. While I was thinking about the sad way of our existence, I forgot why did I even come here.

I came to my senses, and looked at him again. Now his face showed something I couldn’t explain nor understand. With his eyes opened widely, he was looking behind me, and his body started to uncontrollably shake. I realized something, and turned my head slowly.

Behind my back was a tall person standing, holding something in its long and slim hand. He looked at me with his light blue glowing eyes, similar to a black void hole that sucked everything that was surrounding it. And only the blue light of hope was still trying to get out of the unavoidable power. We stayed like this for a while, but this while seemed to be like infinity... I... have I seen those eyes somewhere before? He didn’t blink, he was still looking at me with the same creepy look.

I… What have I gotten myself into…

I didn't know, in what occurrence I just invited myself in.