In the dead of the night, there was a harsh brisk breeze that had the

stale taste of fermented wine in the air, the howling of wolves, and

the scattered calling of owls. My ears could hear how fast I was

running as I was calling to him on my spiritline. “My sunlight

do you hear me….”My voice was shaken as if the air in my lungs

were being clasped and crushed inside of my body. “ Tell me I am

still your moonlight..” My lips were shaken I could feel the way my soul

was leaving my body. “I don't want to do this anymore.. I don’t

want to struggle I don’t want to feel my life leaving my body… My

sunlight. I don’t want to disappoint you…. I wouldn’t do

anything to hurt you intentionally.” I could hear the pattering of

beasts coming from all sides of me as if surely this is the last

breath I would surely make. I could hear the fogging of his voice “My

Moonlight. I am sorry I don't know...you have done this to me I

don't know If I can forgive you for this.” All I could think at

this time it was like the perfect crumbling of a perfect tragic love

story, his voice utterly breaking knowing it was all my doing. What I

would have done to change things, but wishing won't do anything..I

just wish I was the one...I wish I was the one he would have moved

worlds to be with….I wished to be the one thing he valued the

most...to never let me fall to never let us fail. I could only mutter

a few words before I would slumber into a deep sleep that would take

me to years past reliving every moment till the words that were to

leave my lips. “Do you remember how everything started?…. Didn't

you promise me that we would be together through everything...Didn’t

you promise me you would never hurt me the way they hurt me?” I

felt my body just wanting and crying and searching for an answer

that would be enlightening as if I would understand that everything

happened for a reason and that we would grow from our mistakes and

it wouldn’t ever happen again…? My Sunlight did we not make

each-other promises? Love of my life. I know I have done you

wrong..please don’t leave me...didn't you remember that you broke

promises too?” The spiritline that connected us seems all but

severed and I can’t hear his call anymore and I don't feel his

spirit in my body anymore because he refuses… all I can do is take

my spirit to the past in hopes he finds me. After all maybe if I

could drift my spirit to the past things maybe might have been

different, maybe choices would have changed, maybe I would have

spoken more openly...Maybe if I would have let him be himself, by

letting him do what he wants instead of protecting him and his dignity

maybe he would have valued my heart more. If Only I could tell myself

to love myself first. I wish I could go back all them years ago when

it first started...I wish I loved myself as much as I loved you to

show you how to have properly loved me.

My name is Oretha Snider the third, I am the third daughter of the

Snider family, A middle-class family. My Father is of the Middle noble

class, and my mother is an Exotic woman of the sands. So I was

particularly looking, I used to have hair dark brown that in the sun

sparkled like a firecracker and eyes that were brown but looked like

tiger eyes, lips plump and desirable even from a young age. My

father expected us, ladies, to act a certain way and my mother expected

us to be groomed into smart intelligent elegant women. I was a bit

secret with my likes, as I knew that it would displease their

future for me. They wanted me to be the perfect housewife for a man

and to live comfortably. I know this, but some of the way they

treated me…. To be compared to the perfect eldest sister who would

stride above all us siblings, my sister a medic and healer. To be

smarter and as skinny as my second sister, to be fit and athletic and

smart in books. A sister who teaches the younger generation. I wonder

if they remember things how they were when we were… I wonder If

they remember the rumbling and grumbling of father, the shattering of

pictures falling down the spindle staircase way. I wonder if they

remember how mother and father would come back home smelling like the

ooze of booze. I know I was always fluctuating in weight. I remember

the stress of trying to remain the perfect daughter, my beauty

feeling sub-par to that of my sisters. Each of us with our own

interests. I wanted to find love, I wanted to become someone worth

loving and I wanted to be proud of myself as I was growing up, All I

wanted was for people to be proud to be my friend and to know me.

And it seems as of right now I might have given myself a little too

much for love as the breath in my lungs feels like heavy bricks that

add a chalky taste to the fermented air. So to say the least that

growing up, I might have a twisted view of myself than others might

see. After all,  mother always would tell me “Kitchen is closed

Oretha, you don’t want to be as big as a house.” I remember

how It would feel to be hungry and not hungry at the same time. I

remember feeling starved and not starved for someone to love me and

to love me through all of the ugly faults that I see in myself and

that others see in me. To still feel the warm touch of someone I

love touching me and wanting to feel safe inside their arms as if to

never worry as if we were to hurt each other. I realize now how

innocent that thinking is, I should have never thought that love

would be perfect and that both people would never hurt each other. To

expect to twisted seeds to grow into a perfect fruit with no sour

tastes. If your own parent can hurt you why would someone else love

you through all of your mistakes? Still, even now I remember how

growing up began to change, It was shortly after my father began to

follow the church's call. I remember how Father used to tell us how

women should act. I think I remember most how my father was always

disappointed in me in for my school work, But I also remember always

trying to be my father's favorite daughter. Like spending time in the

hot summer days in the sun, the walks in the river, and the late

nights sneaking and listening to the royal guards' radio to

hear what shenanigans were happening in town. I remember when things

have gotten worse. They wouldn’t understand things from my view, it was

always I was a mess up. I lied, I didn’t care, I am fat. I am not

smart. To want to be perfect to know you are not, to know that no

matter what things will never be perfect in one's path. I don't think

they realized how it made me feel when my sisters would leave me to

play with others, to always be grounded for being unable to retain

information like others. It was as if sometimes information would

fall out of my head as I was read or as if things would dissipate if

not repeated often. I wonder if they would tell you how I was boy

obsessed, that I would always place myself first. I wonder if they

would tell you how I would always try to cook to warm their bellies

and make sure they knew I wanted to be around. I wonder if they knew

when I asked if they wanted to be with me and play with the entertainment

box, that I was crying for them to love me and accept me. I wonder

if they knew everything that I ever tried to cover up was so that

they wouldn't find out that I was just wanting them to love me no

matter what I had to say or what my opinion of things was. I always

asked when I felt things weren’t right, but then I discovered things

aren’t always black and white after all how can it be when even

something that is supposed to be as simple as love can be so devastating.

That was my eleventh summer when I realized that love isn’t that

simple. Oh that Hemper man what a dark exotic man he was, I remember

how pretty Silvia was she was just about my size too at the time

thick a bit but we were like opposites. Her hair of blonde and her eyes

blue, my hair still my natural brown hair and tiger brown eyes. I

could tell we two were about to fight over Hemper it was almost as a

dramatic fill-up as any other run-of-the-mill school drama. Silvia

was beginning to write letters and leave them in my stations.

It was like reading mail that would try to keep me from liking Hemper

and it was even threatening at times. “Hemper will never want you,

stay away from him.” I remember thinking to myself “No one

will ever tell me to not fight for love to never give it my all.”

but I don’t think I would agree with that statement now after doing

a lot of recalls. How young and innocent I was allowed myself

to entertain the idea that I would fight for him to be favored by him

the most. How quickly that love came crashing down like a bookstore's

shelves all colliding and falling like a messy domino effect.

How I thought and felt about him how ever did I think he would have

held my hand through the years, Hemper was different. I wonder if he

still thinks of the night at the dance. I wonder if he remembers

calling for me over the spiritline even back then. It's almost as if I

am there now even at times, I remember calling to him as he stood

outside. “Hemper, what are you doing here I can't believe you came

here this late at night?” The air tasted fresh and I could smell

his scent in the air, the smell of the lake that was nearby, and the

way the trees swayed in the sparkling of the night as the stars

sparkled and shined like a million diamonds in the sky. “Oretha,

I have come to see you, something called me over. You looked

absolutely beautiful in that dress tonight.” How my heart fluttered

when he spoke to me in that tone. “Hemper, Your hands felt so nice

on me when you held me close….It felt different than the way I get

hugged by others.” At this moment time was still and we looked at

each other as I felt him outside and I stared at him as if time was

still. I could tell he was wanting to touch me as much as I wanted to

connect us and as much as I wanted him to believe that I was

the one who would ever love him. I remember how his name began to

shake out of my lips as I asked him to come inside in secret. “Hemper

why don’t you come on in?” His dark hair shinned in the moon and

sparkled as if he was glossy at the top. His light-colored skin was

just slightly more toasted than mine. His eyes dark as ebony in the

night sky you could see the night sky’s in them even from yards

away, It felt like days past before he answered, I would look around

the room making sure the room was still and I looked down the hall to

see if lights were on anywhere. There wasn’t a sound or light

lit, “Oretha, Oretha let me in… I want to feel the beating of

your heart again like when we slow danced.” I guess he knew how to

sway my heart into movement and into the desire to move. “Of

course…..Let me come down to you.” I whispered as if it was a

salacious and secret love affair, grabbing my jacket and swinging

down the stairs with a swiftness that tappered behind me as if it

was dancing in joy. My hands would shake as I was moving them swiftly

across the wall the slow steady vibrations of my fingers as I got

closer to the door only parting from walls when necessary because of

the sheer darkness. I remember the moment thinking as my hands were

upon the cold summer door, how the dew was sweating in between the

doors. I remember that moment of wanting to run but knowing that

opening this door would mean things would change for me. I knew that

I would not be that same innocent girl, I knew I would feel different

after opening this door. The heat of my breath left my lips as I

opened the door and we were face to face. “Hello..” It was a slow

moment in time and it was as if my heart was waiting for him to make

everything okay... “Oretha, are you going to let me come in?” It

was as if fate or destiny had something funny to say to me as it began

to pour at this moment as he stood in the doorway. “Okay….but we

have to go to the depths of the house...you know underground.”

Walking ahead of him and his hands at my back as we turned into the

darkness of the house. I could feel the beating of my heart matching

that tone in a breath.”Hemper...do you feel how I feel?” I could

feel a heat growing in my ears as we traversed the house and moved

from room to room, eventually making it through to the kitchen to the door

that lead down to the depths of the house. His hands guided to my

hips and he pressed me into the walls “Oretha, you are so

beautiful, you make me lose my breath, you are so cool to me. I

couldn’t believe you fought Silvia because you like me.” I turned

red and felt my heart in my throat coming out of my lips as if he was

stealing my soul away the moment our lips touched. It was a bitter-sweet moment and the way he tasted on my lips, “Let's go down, you

have to be careful there are a lot of steps..” It was all I could

say to stop the kiss that seemed to steal every part of me from my

body. He would bite my lip in parting when my hands turned to open

the door. “I had to...she was telling me to not like you, and I

could tell by the way you looked at me it was different than all the

others…...do you remember how you looked at me on the first day of

school?” Our eyes met as if we were entranced by each other's

presence once more, just like back at the beginning. It was as if our

souls were warmly touching each other. His voice was right at my ear

as he stood above me as I walked down into the depths of the

basement. Crashing into the storage containers that held canned goods

and the other side that followed down into a living space with an

entertainment box. “Why don't we go sit on the couch over there

Hemper and we can talk…. I want to tell you how I feel about you.

I want you to hold me like how we danced.” He was holding on to me

as I followed and took him to the couch. “Oretha … You are the

most beautiful...you are the most kind...you are sweet and nice

to everyone...I wish you would see how I see you..” His hands

rested on the sides of my face as I would press the heat of my face

into his palm as if to hope my face would ever sting in his palms

till the end of time. His left hand at my hips pulled me into his

lap, our lips barely touching as I spoke to him in honeyed words. “I

feel like I can’t breathe when you are so close to me...” The

heat of his hands on me made my body grow as if wild flames were

terrorizing a forest.”Oretha I want you to be the only one to give

me the world… I want to be your world I don’t ever want to leave

your side…..your warmth feels like there is no place I would rather

be.”I knew It would be forbidden for me to already feel this way

for someone else. I knew my parents wouldn’t understand they ould

say I was too young to understand that love would sway you to do

anything under the sun for someone even to give your whole entirety

to them in the moment of confused energies and emotions. To feel our

hearts connecting as one. Where one could only feel warm hands

tracing all over the softness of one's skin. Where one could

understand that our hearts were beating as one as if the very breath

of the other would steal each other's way. “Oretha be the one for

me, be my everything..be forever by my side.” It compelled my heart

body and soul to move with his words. “Of, course. I just want

you to stay and love me. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. My

mother and father wouldn’t approve of us because we are so

different. I am scared… I worry about what will happen. I want to be with

you. I want you to love me Hemper.’ But it was what I wanted and it was

what he wanted I thought things would be okay if we could just keep

it a secret till I could bring it up when I would be of an age that they

would allow me to be freer like my sisters. “Hemper When I see

you in the morning when we are at school I want you to be with me and

hold hands so that way everyone will know that we belong together as

perfect pair.” His eyes sparkled into mine as if our worlds were

colliding and we had no choice but to accept our feelings for each

other and we had no choice in what our future would have or could

have been. For a short while, it seemed as if all was perfect. I went

to school every day and hung out with friends and now I had Hemper by

my side. I thought things were all going pretty well, every day had a

spark to it and my heart raced every day he held my hand. We even

rode on rides that took us into the sky and ate ice cream under the

summer sun. We even swam in the lake and swung under trees and sat by

the park that was filled with every bit of nature's spoils. If only I

knew that the slip of my lips to one of my sisters would cause my

paradise shaken to its core and my life rearranged.

It started with my eldest sister Naiomi, I thought we were so close

that I could tell her anything and that I could count on her sage

advice as an elder sister. I know and Understand whys he told me now but

to this day I still wish she would have just given me sage advice I

didn't know how she would have taken the whole thing If I told her

every detail of my adventures when I speak away from home much like

she would tell me of what she and her lover did. Though she was much

older than me and I understood way more than I should have at

the age I did. I watched things and understood what the collision of

hearts and body’s meant and what it meant to place the

entirety of your soul into someone else for the sake of love and in

the hopes that one would be forever by my side. She was riding me

around and I remember being beside her and telling her that Hemper

and I had collided together. “Naomi doesn't tell mother and father

they wouldn’t understand I love him I like him.” I didn't

expect the next words to leave her lips and it was as if I had told

myself the moment I confided my feelings to be close to someone

else other than family a crime to the highest degree. “I have to

tell mother. Naomi, please don’t “ I knew I would lose him the

moment I remember time was going still when we were returning home. I

felt so scared, I could feel my heart dropping out of my body and

everything becomes still. I could feel the tears and the feeling in

my body coming out in flow when my mother found out...I remember the

screaming and the yelling and the name-calling. “How could you be

so stupid...he doesn’t love you..you don’t know what love is,

you are nothing but a child.” But I already knew the racks upon my

body of the spanking of belts and there was time I would hide in

closets because I didn't understand why I had to move into tune with

their movements. I felt sad and the feelings upon my body were

aching, what they said and did felt like scars upon my body as if

they were cutting into flesh and leaving the want to see to be the

good one to be the one that everyone was proud and happy to be

around. I wanted to make everyone around me brighter and smile often,

laugh at progress and think about all the things one could do. I

remember the loud yelling of my father calling me names so vile that

I couldn’t believe my father would utter names like this to me.

“What are you, little fucking slut, that is what you are How could

you do that don't you respect yourself don't you love yourself?” I

couldn't speak it was as if I knew no words or any actions that they

would understand. I knew I couldn’t explain how I knew me and he

had protected ourselves in the act. I was already embarrassed..I

already felt as small as could be. I felt as If I was no bigger than

a grain of sand that was being tossed into the heated angry air that

my father was spewing to me out of frustration and anger that I wasn’t

such a sweet little girl anymore. We all knew that they were

disappointed in me, I felt disappointed in myself after all. Shortly

after father and mother found out and took me to be seen and made me

taste to make sure I was safe. That there was nothing I was

hiding from them..to see how far I let him touch me though it wasn't

like that at all. There were a million questions and it was as if I

all but shut down at the moment and all I could do was cry. At that

point, I didn't want to tell people anything. I didn't know how to feel

I didn't know who I could confide in. It seemed as if I was always

just doing what others ask in the hopes I would never disappoint

anyone. Moving and sinking into tones as if to never be yelled and

talked to and degraded to like that again. The next few weeks were

rough, it passed slow like how molasses slid out of a spoon, but much

like its color made my world just a bit darker. It was the

start of summer and I still tried to keep in contact with my friends

despite being told that “I needed to hang around a new crowd of

people.” One by one I would lose them. I walked blocks to their

houses one by one and they would not answer the door, I missed all of

my friends and hanging out with them. One of them would tell the

entirety of our friends that I was a bad influence, it was like I had

been stuck within the group after I had just loved with all of my

heart. I just wanted them to be happy to be around, I wanted to make

them laugh and enjoy their time with me. It was evident that I would

not be able to see Harper again. It shattered me in the entirety of my

being, the hot summer days felt long and hot. My parents would talk

often in secret and discuss my changing educational paths, “Oretha

, we have to have a discussion it is time you devoted yourself to the

faith I and your mother need help in guiding you

on the right path that one should follow.” I remember how my lips

felt and how hot the tears were when they fall from the side of my

face. I Couldn’t show any emotion other than a smile as if

everything was alright even though things weren’t all that sunshine

and rainbows like I used to see things. Father and mother began

taking me to church and every Sunday, Thursday, and Friday, I began

to attend the faith call that was not but a few miles from our

home. They began to train me in the ways how women should be,

submissive hard working under the thumb of a man. Little did I know

that they were helping me with answers shortly.

Things that seem all but answers that would fall out of my lips as if

I was trained and began to pay attention to who and what I was saying

to make sure I would not make a wrong impression of myself I

wanted to be as beautiful as the world used to be. The faith always

had a way of making one feel as if they were never perfect as if they

needed something or someone to be pure and perfect as an individuals,

to strive to be someone who would try to make a better place.

Surely if my parents were trying to send me to a different school

involving the faith it would be for the betterment of my life. I knew

this but I don't think things ended up how they envisioned things.