Jui Maruko was a fourteen-year-old transgender boy. He lived in Andong, a small but inviting village. His parents owned a family restaurant which had been around for generations. Even though his parents were supportive of his identity, Jui was told not to identify as a male outside of his home. His father was a proud and revered members of the community and did not want Jui to ruin their family's reputation.
So, even though it hurt, Jui agreed, and in return he and his father would play videogames after school. Jui's father loved playing Pac-Man as a child in the local arcade and he wanted to share his love of gaming with his son. When the lights to the restaurant were switched off and the last trash bags were thrown away, Jui and his father would game and bonded over the beauty, strategy, and development of their favorite titles. Videogames soon became the way Jui began to cope with his identity because every second he had a joystick in his hand, he forgot the struggles of everyday life.
Throughout school, Jui continued to sit through class and identify as female. However, one day Jui was not invited to a classmate's party because they said it was for boys only. Jui had waited eagerly for days to attend Ha-eun Kim's party because he was expecting to get the new handheld Intiendo! Jui's parents were unable to spend such a lavish amount on the new device, but it was the first of its kind! Jui almost salivated over the tv-ads and stood for hours at a local shop watching new and exciting fighting games that he desperately wanted to try. So, why was he being excluded from something so amazing for a gender he was not?!
"I'm not a girl, I'm a boy." Jui told Ha-eun proudly. "So, can I come to your birthday now?"
Jui was made to regret that statement ever since.
Not only did he get mocked by his peers, but the second he got home, the news of the confused girl, Jui, spread around town. Jui ended up being the laughingstock of the neighborhood, but he didn't understand why. He didn't understand why he was beaten by Ha-eun after school or why he was spit on by the arcade owner. Even when his father wanted to yell at him, he couldn't overlook the trauma that his son had endured. That's when he realized he had been asking too much of Jui.
So, Jui's father took his savings and researched top-surgery and hormones for Jui. It was something Jui wanted very badly, but he was opposed to defacing his public image. Now that Jui came home confused and bloodied, he couldn't stand to continue to deface his son in his own home.
The news alone made Jui happy. He was excited to show the town that he was indeed a male. He wanted nothing more than to be accepted for who he was, and his father helped him get there. But, when the day came to have surgery, his father had to stay back to tend to the restaurant. Their business was failing and since Jui's reveal, no one came. Yet, his father stood strong amidst it all.
Jui's mother flew with him abroad to have surgery. With his family's consent, he had been on T for six months and felt more and more like he was himself. So, the second he sat on the surgery table at 14, he was unafraid. He was proud to be his father's son and he was eager to give his thanks when he awoke.
But, when Jui opened his eyes, a furrow of hunger and excitement taking over his body, he instead saw his mother in tears. Did something happen?! Did someone die?! He did not know, but when he questioned her appearance, she told him that they had to close the restaurant. Jui's father was beside himself when he made the decision and due to his own future in the village of his ancestors, he blamed Jui.
Jui did not understand. Why was he supportive? Why did he pay for him to have surgery? Why did he call me his son if he hated who he was?!
He didn't believe it…he couldn't, but when they returned to their home, their belongings were outside. Jui's father did not answer, nor did he come to greet them, and with a heavy heart they left to a small family cabin on the outskirts of the town. Jui continued to visit his home to try and speak with his father. Every day Jui's father never came to the door, but Jui would sit and wait until his mother had to pry him from the doorstep. Jui even wrote to his father to no avail, and after he exhausted his tears, he realized their relationship was gone. His dad abandoned him…blamed him for ruining the business and for making him an outsider in his own town.
At this time, Jui did not have videogames to expel his despair and he sunk into a deep depression. He refused to eat, he did not sleep, he continued to blame himself for everything that had happened and that was too much on his mother's heart. So, she decided to move. They didn't have much money, but she had the skills to work in a restaurant and the city had plenty of those. But most of all, she wanted Jui to smile again. She wanted him to be a child again, to dream and grow and explore the life around him. He couldn't do that in Andong, but he could try to do that in Busan.
With her mind made up, on May 5 she and Jui left their hometown. His mother smiled at him, and he weakly returned it. He was sad to leave…even more unhappy about the circumstances in which they had to go. But as he looked out the bus window as it drove away from their home, he watched and wondered. Because a new life meant a new start…but happiness seemed so far out of reach.
Jui decided to check out the roaring streets of Busan the day after they arrived. He wanted to hear the cars honking on the streets, the people chatting at local shops, and smell the air around him. The city was very different from what Jui was used to back home. Gone were the rivers and open fields. Instead, skyscrapers soared above his head and things he had never seen before filled his eyes with wonder. But most of all…there were arcades! Not just one like back home, but several!!
The excitement of his childhood fancy began to kick into gear as he headed to the first one he saw. He went inside and saw people all around shouting and laughing, nothing but joy filled the air. It was then that he felt at home because the atmosphere reminded him of the times he had with his father. He felt his anxiety of this new town lessen, letting the sounds of the arcade calm the swarming paralysis of his mind.
Jui grabbed some coins and scoped out the machines. He started with Rise of the Dead. Zombie games were one of his favorites and judging by the leaderboard, he was hungry for first. Jui had been deprived of videogames for what felt like an eternity. So, the second he picked up the zombie killer, a smile came across his lips because he remembered the times he had done so with his father. He almost felt as if he was by his side, helping him with upgrades and strategizing about which weapons to choose. Jui's mind was filled with loss…and the love of his youth, which made the background noise disappear. Before he knew it, he had already topped the leaderboard.
"What?! Jung Lee is playing who?!" he heard, which snapped him out of his trance.
Jui knew very well that Jung Lee was a reigning champ of a new up-and-coming game called Strike. He had watched people play on Zeem for hours on end, and when he moved here, his mother surprised him with the game. However, Strike wasn't really up his alley. He enjoyed watching others, but he didn't feel like he was that competitive with crossover fighting games. Since Jui already felt like a weak, self-conscious, and undeserving person, he didn't want to feel the same way with the one thing that brought him joy. So, he only chose games where he had a competitive advantage.
"Come on guys! Saka is wiping the floor with the reigning champ!"
No way?! Someone is beating Jung?!
Jui followed the crowd, pretty eager to see the commotion. It would be really impressive if a no-name player beat Jung! His technique was impeccable!
Jui, not being the tallest boy, had to peak over the shoulders of the chanting crowd. He continued to find a way to see the commotion but saw a gap in-between the crowd that would give him a better view. He squeezed through, almost unnoticed by the yelling boys, only to see Jung playing against the person who was presumably Saka.
He didn't look like an average gamer. He wore black and almost looked like a punk-style rocker. An earring hung from his ear, and his orange and black hair was swooped to one side. But for whatever reason, Jui felt his face begin to redden the more he watched him play. Honestly, Jui wasn't entirely into boys…or he didn't think he was, but the pitter-patter of his heart said otherwise. Jui didn't know if it was because a boy like him was playing Strike or that he was not only standing toe to toe with Jung...but winning.
It was breathtaking! His black fox, named Akan, was fighting Jung's warrior, named Kome…and Kome wasn't standing a chance! Akan's counters were well executed and perfectly timed, almost as if he had a spy on the inside aiding him…or he studied Jung's gameplay. But the way Saka played…was almost like a dance. It was so beautiful that Jui continued to want more…he could watch him play for hours. But the more he yearned for more rounds, Kome was blasted off of the platform.
"Yea!!!" Saka yelled, a K.O plastered on the screen.
"Saka, Saka, he's the reigning champ!" The crowd begins to cheer as Jung looks awestruck.
Jung stands up to shake hands with Saka. "You're really good! You should qualify for our league. We need guys like you."
"Thanks but nah, I just do this stuff for fun. It was a pleasure to play with you!" Saka smiled.
Jung nods and walks away as Saka's friend, a boy with a cut-off shirt and his hair pulled back in a ponytail, comes to greet him.
"Why didn't you tell us you knew how to play Strike?! Didn't want Kimi to find out you're a nerd?" Maichi taunted.
Jui couldn't contain his excitement! He had never seen a game so exciting played in real life! He had to say something to him…anything.
"Lay off, Maichi! And you better not let—" Saka scoffed.
"Um…" Jui interrupted, shyly approaching Saka.
"You played…really—"
Maichi begins to laugh, making Jui's face turn red with embarrassment.
"Awww, look Saka! You got yourself a boy fan! Look man, Saka doesn't swing that way."
Jui placed his head down, his fists closed…but he could feel the anxiety take hold. He already is judging me…this town is no different than the last!
Tears begin to clog in his eyes, as he turns and runs.
"Hey, hold on!"
Saka calls after Jui, but he continues to run. He leaves the arcade in a rush, not looking back because the trauma of his past took hold. And once it did that, he was unable to face it.
"Mom?!" Jui's voice was hoarse, his heart beat like an angry drum.
Frantically he searched their new apartment, but she was nowhere to be found. He wanted for tell her that this was a mistake. He wanted to say that they shouldn't have come here and should've stayed back home in the village where at least he knew his enemies. Here, their faces were new and new challenges awaited and that alone felt like he was being suffocated.
Jui's anxiety rose as the seconds passed. Homeschooling would be better than him facing the same problems over and over again. Maybe most of all, he wanted to be invisible…
Not to exist.
But that's when he saw his mother's letter. It had fallen off the in-table in their living room. It read:
"Jui, I'll be working late hours today. I finally got a second job waiting tables! Isn't that great! I made you some food in the fridge, so please don't forget to eat. I love you so much and I hope you find happiness in your journey today!"
Jui held that letter for a moment, gently placing it back on the in-table. His mother has made so many sacrifices for him to be here. Yes, he was afraid of the unknown…admittedly so, his past trauma resurfaced after a random kid's comments. But…could he really throw everything she sacrificed away just because he was unable to move on?
Jui walked over to the TV stand and picked up Strike. He looked the game over and sighed. If he could overcome his insecurities…if he could fight to love himself…maybe his outcome on life would change.
He popped in the disk and watched as the game roared alive on the TV. Strike was the embodiment of his story. In Strike, the object of the game is to gain points by eliminating your opponents. Jui's opponent were those who thought he was inhuman, something that could easily be erased…forgotten.
Jun his mother had called him once. Jun should be your gamertag because no one is more handsome than my son.
A tear left Jui's eyes as he remembered those words. He would show his village, his father, and the darkness that he faced that he would stand firm because he was not ashamed of who he was. He was a person, just like anybody else, who was fighting for their rightful place in history. And he would do that with videogames, the one thing that he held dear.
Jui played Strike regularly for weeks. He used his knowledge of gameplay from Zeem, and his passion and his drive to play with Saka, to push him through sleepless nights. He became obsessed with the videogame, so much so that his mother had to force him away from the screen. But…little by little she saw that the same smile that crossed his face as a boy returned, and that was good enough for her.
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Jui stood outside of the arcade, staring at the vibrant lights flicker amongst the setting sun. He was ready. He took the first steps by walking toward the Strike machines, hearing the crowd chanting Saka's name. He puffed out his chest after a heavy exhale, you know…he got this!
But when he got closer, he didn't pipe up after Saka's first match. He didn't go for it during his second…he just stood there and watched. Over and over again, Jui saw Saka defeat his rivals and the more he stood…the more he felt unsure of himself. So, instead Jui left and continued to play Rise of the Dead to calm his nerves.
Maybe, maybe after one game I'll finally be able to tell him I want to play.
But one game became two…and three. Jui watched his score double when he finally put down the gun and sighed. He didn't come here to shoot zombies, he came here to play—
"Saka!"
A slight pause and a curse ensued, "Where the hell did he go?!"
Jui felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up after he heard that. Whoever was talking was close…which meant…
Jui panicked, and backed away behind a pillar. Some kids started questioning why he was there, but he shooed them away, only to turn back and realize Saka was there! Standing right in-front of Rise of the Dead! But why?
He saw him pick up the gun and begin to play amid his friends calls. Honestly, he was good…but he didn't strategize enough to obtain the right weapons and perform the right combos to finish the game without losing his life a few times. Yet, when he finished he stared at the leaderboard for sometime.
"Jun? Who is this guy?" He scoffed.
Maichi spits, angrily walking over to Saka. "I've been looking all over for you, and you're over here?! Come on, lets go already."
"Chill, Maichi. I already ordered our food."
"Woohoo, I'm starving!"
As Maichi and Saka walked off, Jui looks over at the leaderboard. His eyes begin to widen. Saka was waiting for him. He was waiting to figure out who the mysterious "Jun" was that held onto the top spot!
So, Jui walked over to the Strike machine. He looked fear right into the eyes and grabbed a controller. He was finally ready to make his move.
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