Milan,

You probably won't read this little note because I'm not even sure I really write it, but whatever. Come get me please. I can't find my way back without you. I call you so loudly in my dreams that I don't understand why you can't hear me. Just strum a few notes on your guitar and I'll follow them. I just need your fingers on the strings and your voice invading my mind. Please, I'm waiting for you.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

A black hole. A hole. An endless tunnel. No light. Only a long path tinted with black.

I am dizzy in this immensity. I'm just a grain of sand in the alternate universe that took me in and damn it, I hate that! I'm not the type to let myself down but there, I no longer have a weapon. I'm locked up in this scary bunker and my brain has totally freaked out. I distinguish shadows, streaks of light then shapes but nothing makes sense. I think I'm going crazy.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

Damn, what is that repetitive noise? I must open my eyes. I have to stop this unbearable machine that gets on my nerves. Come on Ema, take your courage in both hands and act! I try to reach out, I force, I concentrate but nothing helps. I haven't moved and that damn gizmo keeps beeping. No, but what exactly is happening to me? If it's a joke, it's really not funny. I have to remember if I took something wrong yesterday... I thought I was done with this bullshit since the last time Milan picked me up in a bad state. Anyway... if it's because of a bloody drug, I just have to wait a few hours and the problem will be solved.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

I stop trying in vain to control my body and I dive back. I float in this dark passage. I twirl, I chain the loops sometimes with the head in bottom, sometimes with the arms in the air and I quickly have the nausea. I never liked thrill rides. I always pretended to stand up to my little brother who constantly called me a wimp. And like an idiot, I went into his game, I gritted my teeth and proudly lifted my chin. I'd settle into the seat, never taking my eyes off him, and then spend the next three minutes staring straight ahead while planning my revenge down to the smallest detail. So today that I am stuck in my own mind inflicting this torture on myself, you will understand that I am a little worried about what is happening to me. Because let's be honest, I would never have gotten into this mess on my own.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

Ok, this time it's too much. Concentrate two seconds Ema and reach out that fucking arm! I try. I try with all my strength but nothing moves. This crazy story is getting downright creepy! Well... there's no point in getting upset. I focus more intensely on my limbs and the effect I feel is like being stabbed in the heart. Not that I know what it feels like to get stabbed, but that feeling of emptiness is the worst thing I've ever felt. My body is dead weight. I try with all my strength to move my toes, my fingers, my arms or my legs but nothing happens. I'm a stone statue that unknowingly hosts a totally stoned mind.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

I worry. That's it, it takes me back. Like when I was younger and couldn't control my fears anymore. I took refuge in my room and hid under the sheets. I counted to a hundred and I waited I waited I waited. This routine was my oasis in times of crisis until Milan found me curled up. Since that day, my routine has become useless. It was replaced by my friend's piercing eyes whose light blue enveloped me in its anesthetic smoothness and by his hand molded especially for mine. Yes, because otherwise how do you explain that his simple touch makes my deepest fears fly away? I was seven years old when I discovered its super power and I have never been able to do without it since.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

The sound of a door slamming makes me jump. Finally... startled is a very big word insofar as I still haven't moved an inch. Let's say my heart raced. Well, I believe ? In short, I still hear footsteps, breathing around me but everything is drowned in a mist of cotton. I think people are talking, I think they are touching me, I even think I am answering them, but in reality, I am still a prisoner of my body. No question that I let myself go. I am not a weakling who collapses at the first obstacle. I take a deep breath - well, I feel like I do - and I try to move again.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

The hours pass. People pass. The days pass. I know this because I can now see the differences in light around me more clearly. I am extremely attentive to everything around me. I can even now recognize the scent of people approaching me. Sounds are clearer too. I understand words, then sentences and honestly, I would have preferred to stay in the dark. The first time I heard the doctor utter the words “vital constants”, “vital prognosis” and “paralysis”, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't feel concerned and I even felt sorry for the poor kid who was the subject of their discussion. Until I realize the poor kid in question is me. Every day, the medical team comes to see me and tirelessly asks me to give them a sign of life. I scream, I throw my arms, I fidget in all directions and I even widen my eyes. But that only happens in my reality. In their reality, I imagine they can only make out a young girl with brown hair, a pale complexion and closed eyes.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

The morning I heard the doctor talk about “irreversible damage,” I decided I had no right to be condemned. Let them imagine getting rid of me so easily, it will allow me to show them who they are dealing with when I wake up! Every day, between two comatose naps, I concentrate with all my strength and take stock of what I see. I notice the differences in light, distant noises, voices, scents that I recognize... then one day, I realize that I feel the cotton of my sheets teasing my fingers. I can't tell if it's morning or afternoon, Monday or Thursday, but still, I feel what tickles the tip of my right index finger. I want to scream with joy, to dance in all directions, to jump in the air but this little improvised party only takes place in my head. Then again this abyss that engulfs me in just a few seconds. Except that today, it is no longer black. I don't know where it comes from, or if it really exists, but I'm convinced that the light seeps discreetly into my mind. And I rejoice ever louder.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

I've never taken my foot so much as at this very moment, feeling the glove of fresh water that the nurse puts on my arm to wash myself. I don't need to concentrate or force myself, I can feel my wet skin and the fresh air passing over me without asking my opinion. Damn, how good does it feel to finally feel such simple stuff! But let's not get carried away, despite all my efforts, my body remains an inert ball. And this observation terrifies me deeply. So I continue to do my unconscious gymnastics. I don't let go. My brain wanders enough already, if I leave my body behind, what will be left of me?

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

Alright guys, this is getting long. I don't mean to sound rude but... I'm clearly pissed off. Guessing which nurse is visiting me takes five minutes, but the days are long. And above all, I don't understand why no one visits me. Damn but where did my parents, my brother and Milan go? I hope nothing happened to them... No, impossible. Anyway, I'm only swimming in the middle of a nightmare. I just need to wake up. I just need to see my brother's jaded little head and Milan's pure eyes. Since I was little, this boy has been my double. He always knows what I'm thinking and I feel everything he feels. He is an integral part of my life and we cannot go a single day without seeing each other. We tried younger. We were five years old when he went on vacation for two weeks with his parents. I cried for 336 hours. I felt like my arm had been ripped off. When he came back, his parents came to meet mine to complain. Apparently, Milan had been unbearable, he was doing everything to spoil this family stay and return as soon as possible. That day, we promised each other that we would never go a single day without each other again. Then we went to play in our tree house. And we kept our promise.

Beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep

This morning, I'm in pain. And I'm happy to be in pain, because it means my body is mine again. This paralysis and black hole bullshit will soon be a distant memory, I'm sure. On the other hand, the migraine that beats my brain for very long hours is not a cakewalk either. The rays of light that seep under my eyelids attack me, the burns attacking my skin are driving me crazy, but the worst thing is these damn pains in my arms and the top of my hips. Damn it hurts! In the distance, I hear voices but I suffer too much to be able to understand anything. Fortunately, the medical staff seem determined to take great care of me because I catch the word “analgesic” and a few minutes later, I find my cotton field. However, I can now very clearly see a strong commotion around me. I feel hands on my chest, breaths near my face, noises of paper at the foot of my bed and a light so strong, so intense that it almost makes me regret my black hole.

-She returns !

My eyes flutter, my fingers stretch, and every puff of air I give myself tears at my lungs. I hurt in absolutely every part of my body. I want to scream in pain but a horrible tube in my trachea stops me. Quickly, I panic, I look everywhere around me, I do not distinguish any known face and I choke.

-Don't move Miss, let us do it, everything is fine.

The middle-aged doctor standing to my right seems sure of himself when he says everything is fine. It's obvious that it's not him who is lying on a horrible hospital mattress, in a filthy dress that reveals half of my buttocks with a body that does not obey me and a brain still shot by my little forced sleep session! I look around for the only boy capable of calming me down, but no matter how much I look around me, I don't see him. My heart sinks painfully when I realize that I am totally alone and that I don't even know why.

We are going to give you a battery of tests, Mrs. Pazzi. Do not worry.

My bed moves and I immediately feel nauseous. The medical profession makes me pass a whole bunch of examinations which tire me a little more than each other, but I use all my strength to remain attentive to what surrounds me.

After a very long time, a sweet and smiling nurse takes me back to my room. She quickly checks all the infusions that are administered to me then she slips away. My brain runs at the speed of light to try to put together all the pieces of the puzzle that is my life and I refuse to let myself be overwhelmed by this feeling of depression that is reaching out to me. I'm strong damn it, I won't let it go!

The more the minutes pass, the more the silence which surrounds me becomes suffocating. My eyes frantically scan the sanitized walls of the room and I simply feel like I'm stuck in a bad science fiction movie. My only satisfaction lies in the fact that they finally remove this horrible pipe from my throat. But machines are making a bunch of weird sounds, my body is hooked up to a multitude of wires, and I'm still unable to move my legs.

The worst part of it all is the loneliness. I have absolutely no idea what nailed me to this fucking bed and the absence of my loved ones is simply inexplicable! I constantly think of my parents who have always been by my side, my little brother who annoys me as much as I love him and my best friend. I naively believed that by opening my eyes, my gaze would finally find its blue pupils, but I am definitely alone.

A heavy footstep tears me from my depressing thoughts. The doctor I saw when I woke up positioned himself at the foot of my bed and briefly consulted my medical file.

-How do you feel Mrs. Pazzi?

-In fine fettle ! Alright, let me know what's going on? I manage to answer him with a cough.

The 50-year-old raises an eyebrow, surely surprised by my repartee but I really don't care. I have no desire to beat around the bush even though every word I say tears my throat.

-You have been hospitalized in emergency following a road accident and you have just woken up after eight days of coma. Do you remember the accident?

An accident ? Eight days in a coma? No but what is this joke?! I'm about to open my mouth to mock him when I notice the seriousness in his face. He's not kidding. ***** ! He's not kidding!

- I... I don't... remember anything... But how is it possible? I asked him in a trembling voice.

All the strength I've shown up to now vanishes in a cloud of dust the very moment I realize that my nightmare is actually my future.

-Tell me your last memory. Think quietly, take your time.

-The... the prom. The night at school with all my friends. It was Saturday. We left after an hour because... the atmosphere was rotten. We... we went to settle in the little park at the corner of rue Colbert. And we have... well, yeah, we've had a lot of drinks and smokes.

I finish my tirade totally out of breath. Even though the doctor tries to keep a straight face, I notice the flash of surprise that crosses his tired gaze. It may only last half a second but it's enough to freak me out.

-Wh...what? Did something happen to my friends? And why am I all alone?

- What year are we, Mrs. Pazzi? he continues, ignoring my question.

- Well... in 2010, why?

He doesn't answer but I watch him frown as he scribbles notes on what I assume is my medical records. There follows an uninterrupted stream of questions about my life, my parents, my friends... His questions are so obvious that I have to refrain from answering completely off the mark just to piss him off. ! But the seriousness that I read on his face dissuades me very quickly. The moment he fixes his gaze on mine, I realize that I'm not going to like what's next.

-Madame Pazzi, you are going to have an in-depth brain scan. Following the violent shock you received, it seems that you are suffering from partial amnesia. You have forgotten the last seven years of your life. We... it's 2017, you're 23, not 16 as you seem to think.

You want me to tell you how I feel right now? Absolutely nothing. I don't feel anything because I don't understand anything. No, but what the **** is this madness? Why does he think I'm 23 when just yesterday I was wandering the halls of my high school?

-I understand that this situation surely seems absurd to you, but we are going to help you see more clearly.

- "Wacky"? No but are you kidding me? I wake up from a horrible nightmare and I plunge back into another! No but shit, get me out of here!

The pain tugs at my insides when I start screaming. The doctor does not seem to take offense since he does not bat an eyelid. He remains stupidly planted at the foot of my bed spouting a bunch of bullshit.

-You were admitted in emergency in my service following a violent shock that you would have received. A passerby found you in the middle of the night inanimate on the public highway and called the emergency services. If you want my opinion, this person saved your life. You suffer from serious bodily injuries and partial amnesia. At present, I cannot yet tell you if this absence of memory is irreversible or not. The next few hours will be decisive for your recovery, be sure that we will not let you go. I will come back to see you in the afternoon. Rest while you wait.

As he is about to leave my room, I give him a desperate plea. I try in vain to straighten up but no more strength lives in my body.

"Why... why... can't I feel... my legs anymore?"

My eyes beg him to tell me it's just a misunderstanding but he doesn't hear my prayer.

- We will do our best to help you manage what is happening to you. Rest now.