Hi! My name is Lotus. I have a crush on a guy calls Pan, who may seem not to be serious in our relationships (sometimes he acts like a friend and sometimes like a boyfriend). Now, let me direct you guys to my story...

Primary school, Year 1:

"Hey little piggy!", a boy's voice shouted from the window of the class. I'm pretty sure that this is Pan, since no one calls me pig except him.

I turn my face to find those voice to stop him from calling me that ugly name, but no one is there. I'm so embarrassing, how can he do this to me when our classmates are here?

Everyone gives me a new nickname because of this boy \=\=

A few minutes later, he turns up in front of me, teasing me nonstop until the teacher arrives. Thanks god!!!!

Time flies quickly, and we are now in second grade. We study in the same class again, so our friendship tighten stronger. Pan and I spend most of the time playing and studying together throughout the year.

Pan always stays by my side, messing around with me and taking care of me like a friend (maybe), which I started to develop my feeling towards him.

People won't believe that a kid like me started to like someone at this age. What a shame :<

In our third year, we don't have a chance to study in the same class, and there are many things to happen this year. Since I always hold my first grade in the class, the teacher asks me to help her a lot, which is one of the reasons that Pan and I do not meet each other frequently like before. We started to become awkward when we talk, so I decided to hide from him for a while, and so does he.

In the middle of the year, I am confessed by a boy in the same class as mine. He is Ken, who is one of my competitors in the class. Since I am not taken, why shouldn't I try dating? But who knows.... This is when Pan and I become strangers. Pan gives me a reason before he walks away, saying that he doesn't want people to confuse about our relationships, which can affect my relationship with Ken. I disagree, so I try to convince him to stay, but he rejects me. This relationship is not working since I am the only one who do everything, hence, our friendship is destroyed by me!

Until the end of the year, I break up with Ken, but Pan and I are still strangers.  I don't want to please anybody anymore, so I remain in my place and only focusing on study.

I become quieter and colder starting from Year 4, which scares people away from me. But luckily, someone approaches me, then we become besties. Her name is Nicky, a courageous girl who does not scare anything.

"Lotus! Lotus! Lotus!!!!!", Nicky shouted at me several times.

"YES!", I reply confusingly.

"What are you thinking about? I try to talk to you, but you were in deep thought."

"..."

"Are you thinking about Pan?"

"...."

"It's been 2 years already, and we will graduate from our primary school this year and..."

"Nicky, I was just thinking about the good old day during these 5 years of primary school." I speak before Nicky can finish her sentence.

"I know and this is our last year together, we are in year 6 now. As you already know that I'm going to study abroad afterwards. I want to create as many memories I can with you."

"..."

"You know, I always here for you."

"Thank you, Nicky. I love you so much", I smile at her like a puppy

"Stop being creepy! Do you want to go to the library this weekend?" Nicky goes straight to her topic

"Sure! And let's grab something to eat before we head home, okay?" I agree and suggest going out and eat together.

"Alright, I'll message you the time and location later. I haven't decided yet."

"OK!" I answer

AT HOME:

"Mom, dad, I'm back!", I tell my parents my present before I head to my bedroom to get changed and help my mom preparing dinner.

"Hi sweetie! Go and get changed. I'm nearly done cooking now" mom shouted from the kitchen.

"Lotus! I have something important to discuss with you after dinner" dad tells me while I walk pass the living room.

"Ok dad" I answer

....

"Mom? Do you know what's going on?" I ask my mom while she is plating the food.

"We will talk after dinner, sweetheart. Relax. Now go and call your dad and your older sister to have dinner."

"Alright" I then carry some food from the kitchen and put them on the dining table before I go to the living room to call my dad and my sister to have dinner, whereas mom is carrying the remaining food and plates to the dining room.

We have dinner silently, which we not usually do. It makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous at the same time. What exactly is going on?

After a tough dinner, I go to dad's working room to discuss the thing that he wants to tell me.

"What? Why all of a sudden?" I accidentally higher my voice because of the surprise that he told me.

"You hear me right, Lotus." dad says calmly

"But why this year? I'm not ready yet. Also, it's in the mid-year now. Why don't you just let me finish this year first?" I strongly oppose to my dad's decision of wanting me to transfer to private school.

"I just want you to get used to it before high school, since this school also provide secondary education."

"But..."

"No more objection. I just want you to have a better life. That's why I do this." dad seems to be mad at me, so he finishes the conversation before he goes out, leaving me alone in the room.

I run out of the room and head to the garden near my house. Tears that I was trying to hold in front of my dad start to drop like a river. If I transfer to a new school next week, what about Nicky and.... Pan? Although Pan and I are not talking anymore, but I always observe him from far away to see how is he doing. I also know that he has a crush on a girl names Tiara, who used to study with me once. It was hard to accept the truth at that time, but I'm okay with it now as long as he is happy with that girl.

(Memories)

...

"Lotus! Help me with my homework!" Pan comes to my desk and talk to me loudly, scaring that I cannot hear him \=\= (what's wrong with this boy - my thought)

"Shh, you scare people around here" I warn him then opening the book that he gives me and help him to finish off his homework.

"You're so sweet! I'll buy you an ice cream after school. Deal?" Pan speaks excitedly

"Deal" I agree

"Whoo hooo!" people around us starting to cheer when they hear our conversations

...

"Lotus!" Pan shouts my name from far away at the schoolyard while we are cleaning the school area.

"..."

"Come on, Lotus! Reply me! Hahaha!" Pan shouts again before he walks toward me with a bottle of water

"Thanks" I drink the water that he gives me

\~cough\~

"Be careful, you foolish" says Pan

"Don't give me any more nickname, please?"

"Since you are now becoming skinny, so I cannot use the word pig anymore. That is why I am trying to find you a new nickname hahaha" Pan speaks excitedly

"And did you find a suitable one? You have been giving me tons of different nicknames already."

"Not yet, but soon." Pan answers me, then he walks back to where he shouted my name a moment ago.

"..." I pout

"How about papaya?" Pan shouts again

"No"

"Papaya, Papaya, Papaya" Pan sings happily

"You..." I am speechless, but suddenly I come up with something interesting "Banana, Banana, Banana" I sing back at him

And this is our new nicknames to call each other from that time onwards.

(Back to the present)

I am now sitting under a huge tree, reflecting on the memories that I try to forget. Since Pan does not need me anymore, isn't it time for me to move on and start my new chapter? I don't know, it is difficult for me to decide...

Pan, if you were me, will you choose to leave? I must have gone crazy! Why am I still thinking about you? You are so heartless, you left me first, but I still cannot forget you. We do not talk anymore... many years now, and you still decide to remain silent, no contact, no communication, nothing at all. :(

...

I'd better talk to Nicky first, but it's late now. I'd better go back home. I don't want mom to worry.