Haahh.. I think this is a good day to go to the beach! Yeah, plus I’ve been wanting to feel the ocean again after a while.. Alright, I should go there! Plus it’s my birthday today! I think- I hope it will be fine..

…

Woah.. the beach is as crowded but as beautiful as ever.. 

…

So I took off my clothes and I dived inside the ocean. It felt peaceful nevertheless to say, the ocean is such a calming place for me, mom used to hold my hand and dance with me in the ocean, at that time I was still scared of the ocean, so the water was just by my calf, but as I grew, the ocean felt like a friend, a comfort place, a home to me. Ocean was too, the place where my mom had always been, had always loved, she went there every possible day. When her last breath immersed within the ocean, she was too, under the ocean.

That’s why it felt like the ocean is a friend of mine, it felt like mom’s by my side, watching me fondly, it felt a lot like home, while I never was able to see my dad since he died when I was 9 months old, I can feel his presence recently, with mom, around the ocean. Mom had always told me dad was the one who introduced her to the ocean, and before, my mom was actually traumatized by the ocean due to some traumatic childhood events, but dad helped her overcome it. Just recently I have felt both their presence. It's weird, but nice and soothing actually, maybe ‘cause I’m dying.

I took a deep breath on the surface as I swam back inside, under the ocean, to see you. You looked ethereal as you adored those fishes around you, your hair was swaying around, it made you look so magical and dreamy. You looked back to see me, I felt my heart skip a beat. My mouth agape, stunned by your gaze, and I choked on water, God I just know who stupid I look, so I immediately swam to the surface. You caught up with me and you just laughed, you look absolutely magnificent. Your laugh made my heart flutter and you looked like an absolute beauty.

…

I think I had just fallen in love..

…

I thought to myself as you swam back again, I followed you, we didn’t say anything, but we would make eye contact here and there as I kept following you, I was able to meet a beautiful creature under the ocean because of you. My heart kept thumping hard around you, I just knew from the start I had fallen in love with you, but as the sky got darker, I knew I had to go. So I went to the shore and I wore my clothes. I decided to just dry myself and change clothes. I thought I’d take a shower at home. You looked at me as I smiled at you and you smiled back, I felt shy and I quickly went back.

….

I’ve taken a shower and eaten dinner, I’ve also taken my pills already. I stood in front of the balcony, I watched as the stars ran down diagonally, and then perished into thin air. I’ve always been interested in such beautiful and unique things, such as stars. I love how shiny but tiny they look, lighting up the dark sky. Then my memory flashed back to your alluring smile and unique eyes as your hair was everywhere due to being underwater, when we first made eye contact. So I closed my eyes and clasped my hands together.

…

I hope that I can meet you again.

I felt like going on a fresh walk, so I went out. I felt the breeze past my face, blowing my hair slightly. Just then I saw you, I blinked my eyes a few times,

I’m not dreaming am I?

Then I slapped my face and I was right, I wasn’t dreaming. You were as attractive as ever, and you looked happy, cheerful. You looked back to see me, this is such a dream-come-true-coincidence. You smiled sweetly, I felt my heart melting due to that and I looked away shyly. You walked towards me and greeted me,

“Hey”

I felt my heart stopped for a second as I heard your enchanting voice, but I had to get back to my senses,

“O-oh hey..”

I stuttered, I wanted to die right here and there, nevermind, I will be dead by 4 or 5 more days anyway. You didn’t say anything but just extended your hand towards me, I wasn’t sure, but I placed my hand on top of yours and you held my hand tightly, your touch was soft, your skin was really smooth, I felt it as I rubbed my thumb slightly on the top of your hand. Out of a sudden, you dragged me to this coffee shop nearby. I was shocked, but I was able to gain my composure back quickly.

You ordered a chocolate milkshake and sweet macarons as you offered me to order as well and I decided to order a dark chocolate drink with vanilla ice cream. You started asking me about my interests and disinterests. I answered them as I too, started asking you back about your interests and disinterests. Soon our orders came yet we didn’t stop chatting, you thanked the waitress as she placed our orders on the table and she smiled as she replied back.

My heart fluttered with your politeness, yet I too, still thanked her as well. You smiled as you continued to tell me what you’re interested in. It’s adorable and funny when you speak so quickly as you tell me what you like and the reason as it usually takes no less than half an hour for you to stop talking about it and ask back to me. Yet it’s even funnier how you gave such short sentences and made sure to use the right stern tone when you’re talking about things you dislike.

I felt more and more comfortable with you as we kept talking and I started telling you about some silly moments while I was still a kid, sometimes you almost shouted as you were able to relate with some of my silly childhood moments. You’re funny and cute,

I like you- wait what?-- 

I got flustered as I thought about that and you started asking if there was something wrong, I tried to brush it off as I regained my composure quite shortly. We continued chatting and chatting as hours went by.

At last, it was time to bid farewells, so we did that and went separate ways.

…

I stood on the balcony as I recalled earlier events, just then my face flushed red with embarrassment, I had just realized how silly and weird I look showing so many expressions! Ahhh.. I think I got a bit too comfortable with you.. Well- what’s done is done anyway, man, some of my childhood stories were even honestly so embarrassing. Sigh…

I saw the stars shining brightly, oh how dazzling and pretty they look despite the fact that it’s like a dot of light, it just seems so pretty with so many stars in the dark sky, they look beautiful.. And so I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes as I leaned in on the handle,

I hope I will be able to see you again..

I woke up and performed my everyday routine to no one, I rolled up the blinds to see that I have a new soon-to-be-neighbor moving in. When I looked a bit more attentively, I saw that it was you!

What?..

What..? 

Huh? Huh?

I was confused, I rubbed my eyes with both of my index fingers to see if I was dreaming, I was still unsure, so I slapped and squished my cheeks. At last, as I still couldn’t believe it, I banged my head on the wall,

Ouch, that hurts-

I thought to myself, well now I’m sure that I’m not dreaming. I went out my house as I saw you struggling a bit with your luggage and backpacks,

Wow, that’s.. A lot- no. I’m strong, I’m sure I can help!- I hope--

So I went out of my house and towards yours which is right in front of me. We made eye contact as we both smiled, I offered you my help and you accepted it. Your luggage and backpacks were a bit heavy, but it’s fine, I’m strong, I didn’t work out during my early years for nothing, pretty sure my muscles are still formed pretty well on my arms!

So I helped you to rearrange things too, and whilst doing so, we both chatted, we chatted about our past years, our fun times, our past friends, how we’ve been living and much more. I cracked some jokes that my old friends would never and was never able to understand, but you did, and you laughed, I felt happy, I felt like I was.. Being understood. Which was something I wasn’t able to get much during my youth.

I felt happy being with you. At certain times, we didn’t even talk, which usually, with literally anyone, that if it was like that I would just politely leave, but it didn’t feel awkward, the tension was comfortable and it was just fine. I felt just fine, it was like what I’ve always felt when I’m home. Then you’d break the silence by telling me one of your sweet or dark moments in the past, although it didn’t really settle the mood down, we both know that it was all in the past anyway.

None of us realized, but the sky got dark very soon, so I had to go home. We bid each other goodbyes as I walked home nonchalantly, but as I stepped a foot in my house, my breathing became unstable and I threw my hands everywhere searching for the pills as my vision got a bit blurry, signs of fainting. I did not want to faint, so I used my last ounce of strength and ran towards the shelf out of instinct, as I’ve always put my pills there, I couldn’t open my eyes, it’s one of the symptoms of my disease, my unknown disease.

I opened and took the bottle of pills, then I poured the bottle carelessly to my palm and I swallowed it with no hesitation. I counted up to 10, and I opened my eyes, it was still a bit blurry, but I placed the pills that fell to the floor back inside the bottle, I know it’s just 3 days left, but I want to live as much as those 3 days, I don’t want my time to be decreased even more, I still want to see you. And so a tear slipped as I thought of you, but I wiped it away as I searched for my water bottle.

Ah, right, my unknown disease. I discovered that I had this disease about.. 6, 7, no, 8? I was.. 16 I think at that time.. Now I’m.. 24 years old, then 8 years ago, yeah I discovered I had this unknown disease 8 years ago. It was just a faint, a simple faint, I thought it was probably due to exhaustion. We just finished running laps for 30 times and I was, well, we could say that I’m not an energetic or a sporty person, even until now. Although when I was younger, I worked out and exercised a lot.

I was brought to the clinic, I was left alone. When I woke up, I was in the hospital, I didn’t know why, my parents.. No, I’m an orphan, but due to my excessive pleading and begging maybe, they allowed me to live by myself, maybe pity, maybe not wanting to frustrate too much about me, maybe thinking the benefits if I leave, who knows, it was against law, but they said as long as no one knows, I’ll be fine.

So I woke up, I saw a nurse, she called the doctor, the doctor came and asked about my supervisor, I thought that maybe the nurse just brought me straight to the hospital and left me as soon as possible.. I don’t know. So I just made up a lie, saying I have a grandmother that's blind and deaf. He asked for my address, but I said that I didn’t know, that I’ve never paid attention to it, and I was rarely asked. He seemed to be concerned of some sort, so I asked him about it.

He hesitated, I told him to just be straightforward with me, I don’t like it when people beat around the bush, it was a demand, I deserve to know, I’m the patient, not my non-existing grandmother. He seemed a bit shocked by my bluntness, then he sighed and told me I have this disease, that they have not yet discovered what it is. But he told me he discovered the symptoms, well, one of them at least. It was that my breathing may go unsteady once this disease gets triggered in some way.

He told me he found out that it shouldn’t be severe and at my age, it should happen only once for at least half a year, I didn’t sigh a relief, I didn’t panic, he seemed to search for a reaction, but when he didn’t get any, he allowed me to be alone for now. At least he understood I needed some time alone. I sighed, I laid down on the bed, I remembered very clearly, I smiled and a tear slipped past my cheeks.

Remembering back then, I’ve forgotten why I smiled, but after a few months, I was given a bottle of pills by the nurse from the clinic school, she said that the doctor from the hospital last time asked her to give it to me. I thanked her politely and just left. The doctor was able to find out about my contact number, perhaps from the clinic nurse, she’s got a lot of connection with the upper classes.

He informed me whenever he found a new symptom, and he’d set an appointment for both of us, a meeting to check how I’ve been doing. He said I don’t need to pay, that it’s free because he’s also learning something new here and it’s benefiting both of us. I just agreed and thanked him whenever he informed me about something. He’s a doctor, I’m a person, a human with unknown disease, I didn’t want to get attached nor get into a closer relationship than this. I knew one day I would die.

Last week, he told me my blood circulation is starting to freeze, that my heart is starting to weaken, so are my rib cages, he said that, my rib cages are.. Breaking and he informed me the precise date of my death, which is now, in 3 days. Just 3 days left, I blocked him afterwards and deleted all my past contacts. They were all useless anyway. I’m going to greet death soon, I don’t need to get attached to anyone, yet I saw you, I can’t help but fall in love. So, I just hope that I could die in your arms at last.

So I stood on the balcony again, I greeted the stars, I voiced out my wish again like the past days, despite the fact that there are no shooting stars tonight, I just thought that maybe, just maybe, my wish could be granted and so,

I wish that I could keep seeing you until my last breath.