Love? Love is a good expression to everyone but to me it’s nothing but pain. An unbearable pain.

At one time, I also fell in love, but not to a person, to the feeling of falling in love. But unfortunately, that was the last

time I fell in love or ever used the feeling of love in my life.

Now you might be wondering why, what happened to me to express the love in this way?

Nothing much, just a betrayal, from my loved ones.

Will I be ever fall in love?

My answer will be “I don’t know”.

I also want to fall in love…again. I also want to feel the fluttering feeling when someone hold my hand and kiss my cheek. I also want to feel the love that everyone talks about in every friend gathering.

I also again want to fall in love with the feeling of being in love.

These were my words that I want to tell the interviewer but as always I swallowed it. My work is to never say anything unique to anyone. I always have to act like as a typical, normal girl with no history of pain when I’m not.

 “I don’t have time for that. If I ever fall in love, the fans would be the first one who would know this” I answered giving the same typical TV professional smile when I’m sad inside. I learned at very young age to be strong, even if I have pretended it.

I always need to look strong. I can’t and don’t even want to show my sadness to someone else. I learned to be strong to survive and to protect myself from the world.

A child will never learn to stand by themselves if their parent reaches them when they fall. The child will always cry to get their parents help and never learn to stand by themselves, be strong for themselves.

At first, I thought that something was wrong with me. I even visited a psychiatrist but she told me that it is normal to not open up to your close ones. One will feel that they didn’t live up to their expectations.

But isn’t it very funny? We can always tell our painful past to any stranger but can’t able to say a single word to our loved ones. Why we feel light when we tell our problem to stranger in social media and even in personal but even say a single word in front of our loved ones?

My life has been like this. Always hiding my problems and sadness from other. I can’t bear to show my weakness to other even if they are someone I love.

I always thought about this a numerous times in my mind, why I can’t share my problems to my loved ones?

I feel like they will leave me when I show the side that don’t want from me.

I don’t know how to love, because I never received or learned it from someone.

But can’t find the answer. Someone said to me, we don’t want the other person to worry about us. But when we started to care for each other, didn’t we decide to share every pain, happiness and worries. Then why?

I still look for that answer.

Love? That is my existence. My each step, my eye movement, my each hand gesture is for spreading love.

For me, love is a very pure feeling. A feeling that has a lot of steps- hate, sadness, happiness, worry and anger. Every feeling needs to be there to create love. If there is not a single feeling, then that’s not a passionate love.

It also has different types- parents love is different from friends love, friends love is also different from romantic love, romantic love is also different from children love. Every love has its own different feeling of love.

Love is a feeling that can hurt a person, but can heal a person’s scar. Love can be a sad feeling but it can be most happiest and secure feeling. Love can make a person feel secured.

Love is not just sacred. It is combination of all other emotion.

My work is to spread this pure love to every person, make them feel that they are not alone. That there are a lot of people that are waiting for you, care for you and love you.

Of course, there is also fake love. There are bad people who use you for their own goods and leave them with broke heart and make my work more. I have to heal them, and again make them feel the same love that they have forgotten. Help them to live their live with love.

Now, you must be wondering what I am, right?

Well, I am a love angel, whose work is to spread love to everyone, fix the broken hearts and heal them to feel the feeling of love again.

I have to roam around and help people, not in materialistic way but in emotional way. Sometimes, we can choose our clients, but sometimes, our manager assigns us to some clients who didn’t feel the love for a long period of time.

It might sound very cool work, but it is the most sensitive and emotional work for us. When learning their stories, we can also feel the same pain. We can relate to that person. We can understand why they closed their heart.

Some broken hearts are not easy to fix because they have not felt the feeling for a long time. They have being hiding and running away from love so that they don’t have to feel the same pain again. Sometimes knowing their stories make me wonder that what if I was in their shoes, would I be still begging for love? Would I still want to feel the same feeling with the same pain?

Would I ask for love or just be the same way as I am right now?

I am still looking for that answer and will be looking for that answer till the end until I find the answer.

Though, I don’t know my story, I still want know my past life love story. Was it heart fluttering or heart breaking?

I want to create my own definition for love, while holding the hand of my love.

Someone said something like this “Accept everything as fate. Sometimes coincidence is also fate.”

Ding! That’s how the elevator stopped at the lobby of Paradise Entertainment where I had my 5th interview after the release of my new book “Fate".

I am writer. My name is Elena Kim. I’m half Korean and half American. There not so good in my life to share except for a lot of heart break and non-ending problems and hardship I have to face every other day.

 My perception about love started to change when my parents got separated when I was just 10 years old. When I needed their love and caring, they made me take the world’s most difficult decision.

They vow to each other that they won’t leave each other no matter what situation they are in. But now what, they got separated for very trivial matter that can be solved. It might have taken some time but can be solved. They didn’t even thought how much I would be effected if they take the decision of to get divorce. That’s when my whole happy life started to crumble. After my parents got divorced, I had to live with my dad who is a Korean. I had to move back to Korea to live my dad for the rest of my life.

The second incident which make me lose more believe in love was when my dad got remarried. My father who took the oath to love my mom till death tear them apart, got remarried right after 6 month of divorced. That’s when I thought, there is no love in two people. They just need each other for their own goods, either materialistic or sexual or emotional support that they can’t overcome by themselves.

When I became 19 yrs, I moved out of my home to live my own and soon after I moved to America to live with my mom. Even after suffering so much, I was like a lost puppy who is seeking for love. That love which I didn’t get from my father and step mother, I wanted to feel that love from my mom. But my hope was again crushed when my own mother abandoned me just because my step-father can’t accept me.

For me, there is no parent love.

Other parents just love and take care of their children because they need that care again when they get old. There is no such thing called selfless love. Human are meant to be selfish. They are the only beings that seek love and abandoned it as if it never existed.

Is there really a thing of feeling of love or is it just the feeling of protection which one need?

But what a coincidence, I didn’t experienced any of them, neither love nor protection.

After being abandoned by my mother, I lived and take care of myself by my own with no one by my side.

I took year drop to earn money for myself and for college. I studied very hard to major in literature. In college also there was nothing special in my life. I was a loner in college. Not until when a boy approached me, extending his hand towards me, introducing him.

That was when I felt that heart fluttering that everyone was talking about. The love that very one was talking about.

Even then and till now, I don’t know that whether I really fell in love or wanted to fell in love, or just fell in love with the feeling of being in love.

And even now I don’t know myself…yet.