"Why are you're grades so low? Why are you not pretty? Why do you keep studying? See that girl? She's pretty because she sleeps early, what about you? Stop playing games all the time... Be better... Fit in"

"Words cut deeper than a knife"

It hurts, everyday being told you're not good enough or just do this or that better. "You're good, but try to improve". It's like you're not doing your best already. At the first few criticisms, you feel fine and try to improve. But you don't understand, what you thought was gone; wasn't. Every time you remember, it's like the knife got bigger, the arrow was faster and stronger. Not knowing, the wound festers until one day, you just break down. You cry in your bed trying so hard so that other people wouldn't hear. It wasn't because you were afraid they'd wake up, it was because you don't trust them enough to let them see this side. This side that hurts, cries and mourns. This side that wanted to be hugged, cherished, and loved.

They act as if nothing happened. As if they didn't hear you. Nothing changes even after months. They thought you stopped crying because it was quiet and you were smiling recently; you didn't. You just learned that covering your nose with a cloth can stop sounds from going through. This time, you felt pity for yourself because, even though you fantasized that they would come knocking the door a million times, they never did. You would imagine that you're father would come knocking and when he realises that the door is locked, he would open it with a key. Once unlocked, you pretend to cry in your sleep. Then, he'd wake you up and hug you until you stop and calm down. If only it would ever happen. You know that it will never happen, but your hopes are always up.

In the day, you wake up late. Your mom is reminding you, for what feels like the millionth time, to help your brother take a bath. You do what she says and eat a light breakfast. Then you remember you have a lot of school work to finish today since it's the deadline. You rush upstairs and cram everything in 4 hours. Then your brother asks you to do the dishes since he has exams. You reluctantly, clean the dishes and after, you feel tired. So you lie down in the bed and play with you're phone. When your father comes to check up on you, he catches you lying down on your bed and give you a face that says 'lazy'. You don't say anything for fear that he will be angry. You silently put your head down and go to study. You feel like you've read everything yet understand nothing. "What has my life become?"

Thank you for reading!!! This is me ranting my feelings to the online world in hopes to know if I'm the only one experiencing this or are there any unfortunate souls out there who wish to be seen and heard yet they do the exact opposite.

I thought family was people you can depend on. I thought even though you would make a mistake, they will forgive you. I was too naive. I forgot that they too had their own life. Maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe I was just too lazy.

They are people, they are lives. Lives matter. It was my fault that I was lazy, and it was also my fault that people were always angry. And it was my fault that it was always awkward when people were with me.

My brother got angry at me today. He said I was dependent of the fact that I was the only girl, or that I was the "younger one". I understand that it was my fault. I want to say sorry. But, something's stopping me. Is it pride? Ego? Or just pure jealousy? Yeah I'm jealous. Not at the chores that he has, or the genes that he has. I'm jealous at how he's super close with mom, he's able to make awkward spaces lively, and he can show his emotions freely, he has the courage to be straightforward. Meanwhile, here I am, a coward who can't even say sorry.

My hands feel sore, my body goes numb. Every breakdown feels like a rock being piled up one by one on a scale that can lift up only so much. It's suffocating, it's painful, it pierces my heart and tries to break it. I want to die. In times like this, I would usually think of the possible ways I could commit su***de without anyone knowing. But, the coward inside won't let me.

I'm torn; like a piece of paper split by a rock pierced into the center. Like scissors that cuts a paper, or even a flower that once bloomed in the sunshine but is now wilted.

I feel awful. It was my fault, but I'm the one crying as if I was the victim. Just why did I feel lazy today? Why didn't I do just what I'm supposed to do? If I did, then maybe he wouldn't hate me, maybe things wouldn't be weird between us, maybe I wouldn't be ignoring him, and maybe I wouldn't be cautious about my every move in the house that I live and breathe in.

But what's the point of regret? What matters now is fixing your mistake right? Like saying sorry for my mistake, or give him a sorry gift, I don't know. It seems harder than it sounds; and it sounds hard.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just wanted rely on you, you know? I didn't even give a second thought on whether you're tired yourself. I was too childish. I want to say, I'm sorry, can you please forgive me?

I don't know if you'll ever see this childish and cowardly apology in your life. But, amidst everything, bro, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.