Fortune,luck or privileged are all words that don't describe my life over the past years.you see I've never felt like I belonged anywhere at all.you could say I'm weird,and yeah I Know I am weird. I'm different and strange,I'm gromppy and annoying I get on people's nerve.
I'm gloomy, expressionless and cold-hearted. I'm kind, sweet and would do anything for the people I care about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just simply misunderstood.
Everyone around me thinks they know me ,but I know they don't have a clue. plus my mental health isn't really helping,sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I could just runaway from my own thoughts.
Hi I'm Catherine, and this is my story . you see to understand everything you need to know everything. So let's start with my metal illnesses:
Depression
Social Anxiety
Mood Disorder
eating Disorder
Anxiety
I'm weird and with all that untop sometimes I get overwhelmed. I'm also an introvert, so yeah I have no friends.Ever since I was growing up I could tell, I was different. I've never like a barbie boll or Disney princess,who I thought was the same as all the the others. They all seemed the same tragic backstory,and met the love of there live. Then they'd get married and live happily ever after, but that's fake it's not real. You know I mean it's never that simple, it's never that easy.
Mulan
Beauty and the Beast
Pocahontas
Moana
Brave
They were different you know. The people around me in my everyday life would say that I'm not normal, but I mean what even is normal?How do you know someone or something isn't normal.
And because of that many year's growing up, I questioned myself desperately looking for answers. I thought I was the problem, that there was something wrong with me.
In addition to my problems, I sorta terrified of the opposite sex. After having 4 stalkers over the last three years, you'd be terrified too. It was scary every time it happened and I always felt as it it's I fault.
plus recently there's this guy I like and I've been having dreams about him, and thinking about him at random times. But it doesn't matter I'm scared and I can't trust any thing anyone says, besides it wouldn't work out we're just too different.
But despite all I've been through, and is still going through I'm glad I haven't given up as yet. I've thought about it so many times, but I could never do that to the people in my life. I couldn't do that to the people who still care, never! There still here while the others left, because they care and so do I. I couldn't do that not to them, it'd break my heart and hurt them.And they deserve better' better than me, better this' better than babysitting me worrying about me. Or if I'm alright if I've eaten how I feel .
And that hurts so bad, it feels like everyone is just waiting for me to snap. It makes me feel like I'm a thicking time bumb, that could go off at any second.And that makes me feel useless to everyone.It scares me I feel like one day' everyone one will get up and be like (we don't want anything to do with you )or (we can't do this anymore).And once I've realized that I become terrified, and it hurts to know the people you love or care about could leave or die at any second. It really make you treasure the time you have with them . It may not seem like much now but if you have someone in your life, that cares about you make sure to treasure them while you can.
I believe everyone in life goes through hardship, and pain but it's how we get through the bad days and how we look at the world.That is what matters we've all got a lot on our plates, some more than others.
And I know sometimes things are going to get hard' or you might get lonely or you may want to cry. Just remember you are strong , beautiful, and you will get through whatever it is that's hurting you. it may feel like the end of the world at the moment. But I promise you will get through it, and when it's over you will emerge beautifully.
I mean I should know better than anyone, how hard it can be to smile. Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in a room with no air. And I can feel my throat closing and it hurts. So bad I want to scream but I don't want anyone to hear' or cry but don't want anyone to see because that'll only make them curious. And there comes a bunch of questions that I don't , won't and can't answer. Because if I do I know I won't be able to hold back the tear's.
And I absolutely cannot allow anyone to see my weakness and lonelyness, I think that would break me more than anything else. For me people seeing me cry is weakness. It's uselessness and I can't be useless' if I'm useless (will they still want me by there side/ would they still care ) I ask myself these questions every single day .
I still don't know the answers to these questions, but some day I pray I will and on that day I will, decide if it was all worth it all the pain and suffering.
Right so today though "Hey why take ah look in my pass". I mean now is as good ah time as any am I right.
So this was ah couple of years ago I won't say how many, anyways there was this guy you could say we were neighbors. And I had the biggest crush on him, everyday when he was walking to school I'd look through the window to see him. This went on for ah couple of years, until me and my sister came home from school one day and there he was. He and his friends were talking to my mom and older sister. I was both excited and scared,what if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. I was so anxious,it was as if a pit was forming in my stomach. I wanted to both smile and vomit at the same time, I think that was one of the most stressful moments of my life.
After that they came over to our house a couple of times, and we all became great friends in a short time. A couple of months later on my sister's birthday, he finally asked the one question I wanted to hear all along. (He asked me to be his girlfriend). And I'm not going to lie it felt so good, and we'll of course I said "Yes". After that we would hang out whenever we could, with school and work it was great so great for ah while. After it felt like it wasn't real, you know like it was cold I guess it was as if there was no love. As if we didn't care but stayed together anyway, I wonder why we did that. It was like we were trying to hold together something that was already broken, no I'd say it was shattered we would lay next to each other and it was as if there was nothing there. You'd probably think I'm ah fool for staying in a relationship like that, but when I tell you I loved him. Hmmmmmm! I thought he was going to be there for me forever, that he'd always be there for me or always be beside me but I was so wrong.
It was a few days before my graduation, and when I got home one day I was hanging out with my best friend. And all of a sudden I hear my mom calling me, so I went over to see what was happening and all of ah sudden she shows me a text. So it turns out it was a break up text, and the worse part about it all was the text wasn't even sent to me. Sure It was addressed to but, he sent the text to my Mom. It was so embarrassing, but at the same time I was so mad, why would he do that. Why couldn't he say it to my face, and why do I still to this day I still have no idea why.I mean why the hell would he ask me out, if he didn't care or want to be with me. I know I'm not the most prettiest girl, but I'm not that ugly either. In the end I waited until my mom and sisters went out, and when they finally did the tear's just wouldn't stop falling. No matter what I did they just wouldn't stop falling. One after the other faster and faster they kept falling. That is until I heard Mom and my sister's coming back.
If it's one thing I can't stand it's having others, no matter who I just can't let them see that side of me. It makes me feel weak and worthless. And that hurts so much, the worst thing fore is wanting to help the people that you care about but can't. It hurts my heart not being able to help the people who are still walking alongside me.
So where were we, ah yes I heard my family coming back home. So I quickly wiped my tear's away, and surprisingly they stopped falling. I was both happy and confused. Anyways days past my graduation came and went by. And I tried so hard not to think about it or him. But it was so hard wanting not to think about him only made me think of him even more. The way he laughs,the expression he makes when he mad.The way he smells, the way he feels and the smell of him on my pillow. That was the worst part his scent had already disappeared from my pillow. And that only made me miss him even more. After a month I decided that I needed a change of scenery, so I went to visit my cousin that lived on a little island. It was pretty far away about 5 to 6 hours away so pretty good. I arrived and got settled in just fine. Everything was going good I even forgot about him for a while. Then I some caught myself looking at his pictures on my phone. I was doing fine but yet I caught myself looking at his pictures still. I was having an amazing time and I got the change I so wanted so why. After that I didn't pay much attention to it or let it stop me from enjoying my time there. I ate good food saw some beautiful places, and saw family members that I hadn't seen for a very long time. I stayed there for a couple of months, then came the time I had to leave. What I dreaded the most was seeing his face, and as fate would have it as I stepped out the car I saw him coming down the street.
you might want to know his name, well let's just call him "David".
Until next time bye bye:-)
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