After three months of applying abroad at last she got good news. Her agency found her employer and her employer want quick processing of her papers. She's so happy that at last her flight is confirmed. Tired but satisfied she held her passport tight in her chest and wave a bus to bring her home.

Her eyes become wet remembering the last conversation she had with her husband, but he did not stop her from what she thinks is better. Kids are growing and admit it or not she can feel the pressure, he is not that helpful in taking care of them. There are nights that she is crying silently out of frustration. Instead of helping her at night with the kids, he is staying with his friends until midnight.

Never in her wildest dreams that she will apply abroad but the situation pushes her to decide without turning back. She has dreams for her kids, staying at home will not give them a good future, she wants them to study and give them the best they can financially.

Her smile becomes bitter,  remembering that she can not even buy a good dress for them. It is good that her relatives are generous to give their old small cloth for them to use.  They are working hard on the farm but it is not enough to give all the necessary needs because they are a big family.

Suddenly her eyes glow with happiness...Many are mocking her for delivering 4 kids but she doesn't care, she is happy having them. She dreams of having a son but she is unlucky to have 3 girls so she decided not to use any protection until she will have a boy. Luckily her fourth pregnancy is already a boy.

His arrival gives her a lot of energy to work hard but it is not enough to provide for their needs. Their income in planting vegetables and working for others is not enough so she takes the risk to apply abroad to give them a good life.

The pain in her heart is too much thinking she will leave her kids but she needs to be strong for them... For her ...WHAT IS THE USE OF BEING ALL TOGETHER IF THEY CAN'T PROVIDE THEIR NEEDS? BE PRACTICAL  AND THINK OF THEIR FUTURE.

"Miss, where will you go?" the voice of the driver's assistant asks her, which cuts her from her thoughts.

Apologetic, she tells the address and pays for it. When the bus starts she close her eyes and try to sleep. It is 5 pm when she reaches their home.

"Mama"!!!!! Zean is running very fast to hug her mom when he sees her going down to the bus. Automatically her lips curl with a smile. The image of her son gives her more courage to continue dreaming for them.

After hugging her son she carries all the things and asks, "Zean where are your sisters."

" They are all at home mom," answered Zean as they walk towards their home. She carried and kiss him for not seeing him for two days.

It's December 3, 2010...

The hardest part of reality comes, she needs to leave her kids to her parents and husband and help her parents to provide for their needs... Her hearts bleed but she needs to control the pain so she can continue her dreams for her family.

"Kyle," she called her oldest daughter and ask her to come closer, telling her to b quiet so the others won't wake up. She is their oldest daughter born on November 5, 2001.... followed by  Lexi 7 years old, Amber 5 years old, and her only son Zean 3 years old.

"Yes mom," Kyle whispers to her mother and hugs her tightly. "Kyle, while I'm away take care of your siblings, help your dad in cleaning and cooking", Jade said while hugging her daughter. At a young age, she can see her eagerness to help them in the works. She voluntarily helps in house chores if she saw that she is busy with her siblings.

"Mom, do you really need to leave us? Zean is just 3 years old," and she starts crying. Jade wipes her tears and looks at her husband but Joe just looks away, she bit her lips and cry silently. There is no more turning back, she decided to go for them.

Joe never agreed that she will go abroad and work as a domestic helper in the middle east but she insists to go because it's the only way to earn money. They are both undergraduates and they only work on farms to earn a living. She is not like him that doesn't know how to dream high for his kids, what he can give is enough for him but she is different, she promises herself they will never suffer what she had suffered in her younger years because of poverty.

Kissing her 4 kids one by one makes her weak, she wants to back out but her determination won.

As she closed the door she prays and hopes that all of them will b safe until the day her contract will finish and she can go home.

Joe kisses her and tells her to keep safe always and take care of herself... She smiles and hugs her husband... "I will always be safe for all of us, take care of our kids and I will try my best to save so we can build our own house," she promises.

" I will do my best to save then I will not go anywhere again, maybe we can start a small business and live together, it's hard for me to leave but it's the only way." She cried and kiss Joe repeatedly.

Her husband does not like the idea of going abroad but she already made up her mind and no one can change it. She needs to sacrifice her feeling in order to give them a better life.

Saying goodbye to your kids is the most painful part of leaving, their cries make her breathless, and the innocent looks of her son tearing her heart...

It is still early but she is already at the Airport, she is a bit scared because it is her first time traveling by air. While her companion is busy chatting with each other she is also caught by her own thoughts about the kids ...only two days but it feels year already.

"Paging miss Jade Francisco... Pls come forward your agent is looking for u". The loud voice from the room wakes her up from sleeping. She is very tired and sleepy waiting there for almost 6 hours after they arrive. They are all hungry and haggard because no one brings food and they don't know what to do. The language is very difficult to understand.

Jade quickly stands up to see her agent and there he is waiting with a wide smile. The man is very tall that she is only level in his chest. The other ladies are also called one by one until all of them are present.

"Hi, I'm Aziz from Abdul-Aziz agency," he said. Jade and the other ladies just nod and follow him to his car.   When she sat down she feels cold and a bit nervous, this is the first time she leaves the Philippines and all are new to her.

On that night in the agency, her employer comes to fetch her. The couple is young and they bring the oldest son with them. She is nervous because the woman looks strict and did not smile the whole time while they are talking.

After signing all the documents they go home. The house is small compare to what she expected. The woman who opens the door is also Filipina that makes her little comfortable. Her madam introduces her and asks her to help Jade and give her food.

The Filipina laughs because she eats like she did not eat for the whole day. She feels shy but admits that she is very hungry because she did not eat since they travel.

2 weeks past and she miss her kids so much, almost every night she's crying silently. She reaches her phone and texts her hubby, but the signal is weak and only a message is sent, so she closes the light and sleeps after sending a long message for them.

With the help of the Filipina, she feels comfortable and slowly learns the most important thing to do and how to operate the machines for washing, cooking, and cleaning. The first days are all mistakes but she is willing to learn and do her job good.

Nights are lonely but she manages to be normal with the lady in the room, she is nice that she becomes her friend.  Days are fast and it is time for the Filipina to go home they cried and hug each other. Her absence makes her quiet and lonely but she is trying her best to be jolly in front of her madam kids. The little girl is a bit hard to handle because she has a very bad temper.

"Jade, here's your salary," her madam said and give her first salary, she was speechless and teary-eyed. She thanked her and smile.

Her madam saw her reaction and leave her alone. She goes to her room and screams silently, raises her hand, and smiles widely.

"This is it!!! For my family ill do everything to give u good life! " she screams without sound and dances for happiness. She counts the money again and saves only 20kd for herself. Tomorrow she will tell her sir to send it to the Philippines.

Early in the morning, she asks her boss to send the money, her sir laugh because she is very hyper. She works the whole day full of energy thinking that tomorrow or the other day her kids will eat a good meal and buy new cloth and toys for her son. The feeling is priceless, it is only a little amount but for her, it is already enough to make them happy. The image of her kids eating in Jollibee makes her smile sweetly. Kids love to eat in that place they are very happy every time they see the mascot.

Since they buy a new phone, they set a time to go to the area that has a good signal so they can video call. Her happiness almost reaches the sky seeing the kids very happy. The phone they have before is not android and they can not video call. And now that they can see their mom in the video they are very happy talking a lot telling her stories. Her son is very proud of showing his new toy. They did not stop until the battery drain.

AFTER TWO DAYS........

She wakes up at 12 am to go to the bathroom, after finishing she open her phone to see if there is a message from her family.

ZEAN IS GONE...

This is the message she read as she opens her inbox after waking up early in the morning. She replied and ask her husband what he means. And again, in big letters, she read the same message...

ZEAN IS GONE...

She feels her head become cold, the news is not yet sinking in her mind but there is fear growing inside of her... So she immediately opens her Facebook and she was shocked, she shouted and cry hysterically.

"Nooooooooooo!!!!!!! Why??" she is asking why her son is wearing a white cloth lying down with many people around him.

She cannot accept the news and quickly pretended it is not her son, she bravely read the comment section but she was on a fire when she read that her son was hit by her cousin's car. Anger arises inside her blaming him for his carelessness.

As she browses her news feeds, all she can see were pics of her baby sleeping peacefully. Her cries echoed in the whole house that her boss wakes up. She was in pain, her head was spinning, her body trembled while her tears are not stopping flowing in her cheeks. The truth can not be fake, the evidence is already in front of her.

"Jade!!!" shouted her sir and knock on the door loudly but Jade is under shock, crying loudly and pass out.

When her boss notices the silence of the room, he opens the door and sees her in the bed, thinking she falls asleep he closes the door again leaving her in her sleep.  He is sure that he heard a loud cry as if the whole world crush her. Does he only dream of that? he asks himself and returns to their room. His wife is still sleeping without knowing that he gets out of bed.

It's 7 am when she wakes up again, Jade grab her phone and call her family, her mom answers the phone with sobs as she repeatedly saying sorry, then she cries louder and said," We did everything but he did not reach the hospital, he died on the way... "and her voice trembled with fear. The fear in her voice is very clear, scared that she will blame them for his death.

Then Jade heard her father's voice, "Jade, we are very sorry," crying very loud, "forgive us." Her father's voice tear her heart, the agony and regret are there, he said that no one knows that Zean is playing at the back of the jeep. It is already late when her cousin notice that something bump in it.

She wanted to shout, cry and blame them, but who is she to do that?  She too leaves her son!

Blocking her mind she assures them that she don't blame them. An accident is always an accident no matter how we prevent it. His life in this world is only short.

Her room becomes cold and dark, her energy was drained,  how can she continue life without her son?

Jade's mind is blowing up, she can't accept her baby died that fast, It's too painful to bear, so painful that she needs to slap her face many times to feel if this is really happening, and her parents begging for her forgiveness shock her more, what kind of mother she is... leaving her very young son?? And now her parents are crying.. begging for her not to hate them for not saving her son...

On that day, they bury her son because he is still young and not allowed to preserve his young body. She already tells her madam and sir what happen and they understand her and give her space to think. They also ask her if she will go home but she is scared. She decided to stay and pretend her son is still alive.

She blocks all the pain she's feeling and assures her parents not to think too much and it's not their fault. She comforts them and hides her own sorrow.

When her mom stops crying she talk to her husband, Joe said that they will bury the baby in the evening... She cried more seeing the baby only in the video for the last time.

It's past 8 in the evening and she needs to cook for the kid's dinner, she washes her face and gets out but she saw her madam and her mother waiting in the living room, she calls her that she obeyed and sat beside her.

"What happens? She asks with a very light tone. After hearing her madam's question, her tears fall fast and cry for a long time, they just patiently waited until she finishes and starts to tell what happens. They mourn with her and assure her that they will understand her and treat her like a member of the family. After hugging her they let Jade rest in her room.

"What to do? he is dead! she is only 1 month here she is not allowed to go back !" her madam mother said angrily in their language. Of course! she is only faking her kindness but the truth is she doesn't care a bit about her feeling.

"Mother that is enough let us give her time, she already assured us that she will not go home," she said pressing her head for the stress. She feels sorry for Jane but she needs a maid to take care of her kids. Either she chooses to go she will not allow it coz she spend a lot just to bring her.

She is thankful that her boss understands her situation, their understanding is already great help for her. She enters the room carrying her feet because she is so weak, after entering she directly fall down in her bed, the picture of her son smiling make her cry again as she opens her phone..... she will never forget this day......the day where part of her was taken away.

She was so tired and the darkness of her room pulling her into a deep sleep but before she closes her eyes, she prayed that all of this is just a dream and tomorrow everything will be back to normal. She is willing to do anything for her son.. just bring him back to her and she will do everything she can to stay with him.

She prayed hard to have a baby boy and now it's gone.....her anger rise...

The next days are hard for Jade, her mind is always in the wilderness, she chooses not to come back because the pain is killing her. For her nothing change, her family is still complete. This is easier to accept than feeling the unending  loneliness.)

It's almost a month since her son passed away. Every day she is waking up like a zombie, laughing, working, and talking with others like everything is alright. No one knows what is really happening to her even her family, in the short time she mastered pretending very well.

Linggo linggo sumasama siya sa mga amo niya para mamasyal sa mall o makipagkita sa mga kamag anak at kaibigan niya pero ni minsan walang napansin ang mga Filipina na nakakasalamuha niya, sa harap ng lahat isa siyang  masayahin na tao.

But every time she closes the door of her room depression is waiting to embrace her. She wanted to hear her husband's voice or read his comforting words but it did not happen, maybe the problem is the weak signal but why others can text and call their wife abroad?? She already buys a phone so no reason not to contact her, or is she not worth wasting their precious time?

She wants to hurt herself again, her mind is poisoning her, saying that she is not worth being comforted, the worst mother, ungrateful daughter!

Every night is a battle that no one can imagine, a battle that you don't know if you will survive or no. How she wishes it is always daylight so she is surrounded by people, she could pretend and work continuously, how she wishes there is no night so she can not feel this unbearable pain, and lastly how she wishes she never leave them, maybe...just maybe they are still whole.

She squatted on the floor, praying to ask for forgiveness...her tears wet the floor but she doesn't care, her breathing tighten as she cries without sound control that no one will notice. Her knees melted, her body trembled but her mind did not stop mocking her.

"See no one cared about you, they don't like to talk to you, your husband doesn't want to talk to u! You are worthless!! It's your fault why your son died! You are worthless!! You are the bad mother! You are a worthless wife and you are a bad daughter!!!!"  the voice echoed in her mind that makes her tremble in fear, it is a heartless and devilish voice that scares her to death. She closes her ears and embraces her knees helplessly, asking God to keep her safe.

"Ahh! Stop! Stop! Leave me alone!... Jade cried while covering his head hitting it to the wall of her room but the voice becoming louder and louder. Her body stiffened, feeling very cold as if someone controlling her. She wiggles hearing the cracks of her bones.

"Let me take over everything, see yourself, your suffering a lot but hiding it to everyone, awake me and I will give you the power to fight your pain"... The voice is so strong that numbs her senses but all of a sudden another voice comes again confusing her.

"Don't listen to her, you are a strong woman, you are a good mother, wife, and daughter, don't be blinded by self-pity, it will put you to danger"... the voice is so soft that it calms her mind but it did not last long, the angry voice pop again and fight with the other one, she is getting crazy until she cannot stand it anymore, her head seems to explode that cause her to pass out.

As the days passing by, she's losing weight fast, mostly not sleeping at night but Jade is fighting, doing her work good even though it's hard for her to tame the kids of her boss. The girl is stubborn, a liar, and loves to hit her. But those are nothing compare to what she is suffering inside.

"Jade!! where is my necklace?" the loud voice of her madam stop her from cleaning in the kitchen.

"I  don't know madam," Jade answer entering the room to look for it.

"If you lost that I will kill you!" she shouted back which scares her. The little girl beside them smirks at her and whispers the word I will kill you as if it is a normal thing to utter.

Since then, the girl becomes more bitchy, threatens her every time she wants something that her parents do not allow them to do.

Also, her madam becomes bossy and loves to shout. Once she was out of sight she is saying badly in front of her husband and kids. The tandem of mother and daughter shouting and insulting her begun. She never heard her madam speak badly at her in English but she memorizes those  Arabic words coming from her. She laughs bitterly when she learns the meaning of it, it turns out that her kind madam has another side at all.

As soon as she enters her room, the aura changes quickly...She is starting to hate her room, she doesn't have peace of mind in that room, every night she is fighting with a voice that only she could hear. She is getting weak in hearing that voice, mocking her, torturing and blaming her for the death of her son, and now laughing so hard because not only her family hate her but also the family she is serving.

" Please reply to me," she almost begs, praying that her husband will text her, she needs him... She needs his moral support or else she will be crazy. She only needs his assurance, his comforting words and she will fight everything that comes in her way... for sure she will survive and she will come back for them stronger.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! I will bet he doesn't like to talk to you, see if he really cares about you, he will find ways to text or talk to you, but no!!!..... Even a simple I miss you is very hard for him to tell," a mocking voice pops up again polluting her mind to release her anger.

"Leave me alone! " She gritted her teeth and cry again... She's getting weaker, the voice slowly empowering her mind, and there is the feeling of rebelliousness inside her, a feeling that wants to kill some parts of her.  Slowly her positivity in life starting to vanish, hate is already entering her heart...she blames herself for everything and questioning God for her sufferings...Not only that, she is starting to hate her husband for being so cold. She always begs for him to call or message but he never did. She curses all of them!

"I'm so weak, I can't get out from grieving, I want to die, I'm a bad person, it's my fault why my son dies, it's my fault!!! she screams under her pillow. After a minute she stands up, her eyes blank, and walks like a zombie...she picks the blade inside her drawer and walks into the bathroom slicing her wrist but...

"I will not allow you to kill me!!! Awake me and you will survive! Use your anger, frustration, and self-pity to survive! Let me get out!!!" a very loud voice wake her up, the pain coming from her wrist caught her attention, and almost jump when she saw the blood on the floor. Shock by the realization that she is going to kill herself. She quickly cleans her wrist and puts on a bandage.

Enough!! Jade is getting crazy hearing the voices in her mind and feeling the different emotions that she's suffering ... She can feel the loneliness but at the same time she could feel the energy of anger that made her so alive. She's confused about how she can feel two people inside of her... One has lost hope and the other one wants to get out of the cage.

She admits that she is scared for the other side of her mind, the hatred in her voice is creeping in her bones, what will happen to her if that character overpowers her? She searches on the internet about her situation and if she is not mistaken she has a dual personality. The good and the devil one, when she is younger, in her high school days she already experience talking to herself as if it is two-person inside her but she did not pay attention to it. She thinks it is only normal.

" God helps me," she murmurs when she felt a very sharp pain in her chest. No !!! she promised herself that she will never awake that character. She manages to keep her emotion for months and she will not allow that it will come out.

"Sa tingin mo sa takbo ng utak mo ngayon kaya mo pang  pigilin ang paghahari ko sa katawan mo?? Nagkakamali ka dahil ang  sakit na nararamdaman mo ang siyang nagpapalakas sa akin, ang luha mo ay katumbas ng asido na bumubuhay sa galit ko at pagnanais na mabuhay para gantihan ang lahat ng taong umapi sa akin mula sa aking pagkabata. Tandaan mo, ako at ikaw ay iisa!!!! ako ang naipon mong galit at hinanakit ! ikaw ang bumuhay sa akin para iligtas ka sa pang aapi!!!

These words haunt her the whole night, how come she created a devil inside her? She Jade Francisco the Prim and proper for her relatives and friend have another personality?? The woman who never gets angry with anyone actually created a devil inside her??? All these revelations making her crazy, the searing pain in her head knocks her down but sleep avoided her to suffer more in the night.

What has she done in her life that she punishes very hard? will she be able to get out of this dilemma?