My name is Mavelle Haver and I will turn 18 on January 31 , I was born in Los angeles year 2004 , And I am in Grade 11 , I live in Los Angeles.

*6:00 Am*

First day of our school Today , I woke up from laying on my bed and I got up and cut the curtain to light up my room ,

I walk from going to school and walk will take a 25 minutes to reach school , I prefer walking than taking a Bus or Taxi I'm more used to walking as much as I can because it's warm up for my Body.

As I am going to school I am so nervous and I can't contain what I feel.

I looked around me and saw students getting down from the nice cars with a smile on their Lips.

I'm a student in this school that I've been here for almost 3 years , of all the schools that I've attended , it only took me 1 year because I'm always on guidance , because I'm the one who always accused one wrong already others are doing it and passing it to me I don't know what I did wrong and it's always killing me so hard right now.

While I was walking all the students were looking at me.

While I was walking I bowed down and Heard what they were saying to me.

" I though she already moved to another school"

"she has the courage to study here"

" She's not just stupid , she also crazy"

Everyone around me is laughing and whispering at the same time.

I thought I would get used to it but I didn't and I though I wouldn't get hurt anymore because of what they said to me but as time goes by I got hurt even more , I though when I woke up everything would change but It didn't and everything I though would happend.

I'm the type of who is not a friendly and when I go to school I'm always quiet , I don't have friends for 3 years that I've been here in this school I didn't have any friends , let's just say it's hard to find friends because in this school what are they afraid of ? That something might happen to them if they be friend a Loser like me , I'm not smart like the others and let's say that I'm in the middle of intelligent people , I'm on Top on school but not in The Honors , I'm not that good at qualified no matter how good I am , nothing will change , That won't change the way my classmate think of me and most of all , my parents think of me , Not even my parents judge and feel ashamed of me , I though why I need feel this difficult to me.

-To be Continuee...

penname :Sm_le ( means It's hard to see your SMILE)

:Josvelle

-Continue...-

As I walk go to classroom I though everything will be easy , But before i get to the clasaroom and sit on my chair I'm going to have a hard time.

Every step I take , someone is following me from behind , That's why I hold my bag very well because most of the people I see being bullied in this school , they take the bag to know what's inside the bag , If see if you are rich or poor ,

In this school , when you are poor , They will show you how far you are and when you are poor you are a Loser ! .

And when you are hard , They will face you just how far you are , And they will come back everyday to bully you ,until the dady that you left this school and transfer to another school.

And now , all the bullies in our school seem to be the one making fun of me , I can't do anything with people like them , I can only follow their say to me and accept the hurtful words that they will say to me.

The way I've been bullied several times Will I gradually get used to what they'll do to me? I can't know the answer to the question of my mind because when they talk hurtful things to me ,I still get hurt , and no matter how much I do to avoid it , The pain will still come back.

Sometimes because I'm so numb , I fell on my bike because my bike lost its brakes and I don't know how to stop it especially the road is going down so fast I got scared , so what I did was hit it and after I splashed , I lay down for almost 30 minutes because my body aches so much , no one helped me because I was lying on the grass , when I felt that I could stand , I took my bike and walked I'm going out this grass , and Walked while i'm going home , When I got home , I went to my room and room and lay down until I fell asleep and when I woke up , I looked in the mirror and I saw that my lips were bleeding and aslo my legs with wounds , and I cleaned my wound , but while cleaning my wound I didn't feel any pain and I told myself I hope I'm Just like this whenever something happens to me .

I will go back to those who bullied me ,

While i was walking , two girls blocked my way, and on my right there was a boy and behind me there were two girls and a boy behind me , the leader say his group to get my bag , I didn't fight anymore and I voluntaril gave my bag.

When they got my bag , They threw all the things of my bag on the floor , when they saw my things on my bag , they also threw water and then said

"Hey , You know your trash like you is not supposed to be here , Loser!!" When they already did what they wanted , they left laughing.

While I was picking up my things ,all the student who saw me were just looking at me and others were just whispering at me and others are just laughing.

When they already did what they wanted , I though it would all end there , But it wasn't yet ,

when I entered the classroom , all my classmates were looking at me , some were laughing and others were just quite , when I sat down , They told me ,

" Hey loser , Don't sit here !! sit at the back beside the trash , *laugh* just like you , Loser!!"

That's why I did it and when to the back , but when I saw all the paper was wet and all the water was thrown that's why before I sat down I took a rug and wiped the wet , and all the scattered paper I put in the trash can.

"Elise , loser knows how to clean"

"That's why she knows hoe to clean the mess because she is just poor and ofcourse loser , and I'm sure that when she gets home she will clean the house , the poor you will know that they are poor when they can clean the dirty "*laugh*

This is Elise, The one that is feared in this school is because she is beautiful and rich and she can do everything she wants and she doesn't get anything because she gets almost everything , she is beautiful and smart if you think about it , she is a girl that will like of all men but except for her attitude.

This is what happened to me on my First day.

-To be continue...-

-Continue...-

When we were about to go home while I was walking home I though it would be okay , But it wasn't because suddenlt someone threw and egg at me and after that a car approached me and poured water on me, I had nothing to do and while there was nothing If I could do it , I was stopped while walking and I bowed down slowly , while i bowed down I heard the laugh of the students at me.

It took 10 minutes to stop from walking home.

When I wss near our house I saw my dad with his friend and when he saw me he suddenly stood up and while I was just standing outside our door , when he came closer to me I couldn't straight stare at my dad.

I'm scared of dad since I was a kid , everything I do he criticizes , one mistakes is already his sin , when I do something right he ignores me and he just gets mad at me more , I can't think why he just like that , he is so angry with me even though he is ashamed of me , he is always comparing me to other people , just for a small thing I am already hurt and even if you are joking and say the painful words it is still painful for me because this is me and if in the opinion others of i need to change but i know in myself that I should not change anything.

Because 'This is me'.

While dad was approaching me , I suddenly bowed down because of the fear I felt, and he asked me wealky why I am look like this ? and my answer to him that while I was bending down , "Because d-dad....*because of my fear , I almost stutter while talking* because d-d-ad ... e'm my class-ma-tes..*I'm not yet done explaining , he already started it with anger and blame* he said " You know !! no mattee what school you go to , you always fight ,why don't you fix your life!! why don't you imitate your siblings who have high grades and have talent!! If i knew you'd be like that , I wish you wouldn't have lived!!! you pass at the back , you're embrassing if you're going to show my friends that you like that , be ashamed!!" , I had nothing to sat and I just did what my dad told me.

at the back I passed up and wento to my room , my tears that I was trying to prevent from falling , when I closed the door of my room , my tear feel down. I'm silently always crying because dad might hurt me again if he hears me crying.

Whenever I want to explain it to my dad so that he can understand my situation , but whenever I am in front of him , I feel restless and I don't know what to do , I am suddenly trembling with fear and the bear of my heart fast and my mouth seems to not talk because of the fear I feel , whenever I think of the things I want to do but when I do it , it's so hard.

I once though that's why dad is like that to me , everything he says is also for my future , si it's fine with me , but after a while , I think is it right for him to tell his own child that I'm useless and that is not I'm the only one who lived in this world.

I wanted to say that,

I never wanted to live in this world if you were going to my parents , I didn't want to live , I hope from the beginning you didn't even think about living me if you treated me as if I wasn't your child , all my life I didn't wish to birth in this world , i will ask for but to be loved of the father.

as I cried I didn't notice that my eyes were slowly closing , because of crying I fell asleep with my pillow almost wet, while hugging my teddt bear that I was just one year old when my dad gave it to me , that's what happened with his smile and truly love for me , If only I could go back to my childhood I wish this time will not come , that when I wake up one day everything will change.

As I get older, i see reality more than when I was young , I did nothing but to be happy and not to think about what other people are saying to me , their Judgments that I don't seem to understand , that's why I just keep on doing smiling, but those smiles , it seems now slowly disaplearing and being replaced by sadness.

It is really painful to see and know the truth especiallt while it is being shown to you that you are not yet ready , you don't know what to do.

whenever dad is angry with me , he always brings me to the basement where when the night comes , the light disappears and it seems that I am always with the darkness.

The First Time they put me in the basement...

-To be continue..-