Woke up this morning and the first thing that came to my mind or rather the question I kept asking myself is"whats the point of been alive if I have nothing to show for it?

For those who dont know me yet i am Jason Manda half African half Japanese,when my parents had me they could not build the family they wanted to ,and because of problems here and there the end result was me and my mom moving to Africa and dad staying in japan.

Despite the distance mom and dad still loved each other and he would even come to Africa when he was on leave, I have finally turned 16 and mom and dad decided to finally settle in japan and i am in a situation were i am very happy and sad as i will have to start a new life but the price is getting rid of the life i worked so hard to build,but I was not in the position to make any decisions so I just went with it.

So I have about a month before we move and then I asked myself,what exactly I will be leaving behind what impression will I leave behind. Then it hit me I was actually I shut in an absolute loner with no friends to bost about,"maybe the move won't be that bad" I told myself.

The month passed by like the wind and next thing you know tomorrow's the day, but for some reason I felt empty inside and went to my room and cried for no apparent reason.

Went I asked myself why, I finally figured it out it was love, I had excelled at pretty much every thing I put my mind into but that one thing that mattered the most,that I long for the most that I could never have,despite telling myself that I did not need it,kept hunting me day in day out and the reason that happened was when mom and dad show their love and affection to each other. Be it on webcam or when they are together it would hurt me without knowing it.

But I can not have that because I am gay and its really had to open up or have a relationship with another guy in my mother's home country, that's why I always ask myself am i really going to find love??

The other thing that hurts me is the uncertainty in my heart how will my parents react when the know, will their opinion of me change,but I have to live with this burden and not let it affect my family at all cost, is what I kept telling myself not knowing how had I was being on myself.

So the day finally came we sold all we didn't need and only took what we wanted, thinking back to my junior high school their where a couple guys I crushed on but was to chicken to even greet them, what a dummy.

But since japan isn't so strict on sexual orientation maybe I still have a chance I just have to muster up the courage to do it,"maybe this move was not bad after all" i thought to my self as I felt asleep.