"Cai Cai Cai…wake up!!!"

I just managed to get a decent sleep yet my mom's waking me up and a little elf is banging in my head.

"waking up and spreading my love to you mother"

"Is Anna even aware of your terrible fart?"

"well, she's insanely in love with me"

"You were so busy late at night. Are you even excited about your graduation today?"

"Well not really. I was engrossed with the case forwarded by Professor Kim last night and

I'm still studying after this"

"I am rooting for your success and let us give more food to Mr. Kim for helping you"

"About that mom, I have not told you yet but Professor Kim was invited by his colleagues to

Washington. He will be an audience to a case and both Lawyers are pros and so

good. He invited me to join, for free of course as he insisted that I am his prodigy."

"I would say go for that but how about Anna? You two are like twins, you were never been

separated"

I did not expect my mother's response to that. I really thought she would miss me like the son's

going to war.

And even day one of my birth, it’s always been "me and mom". Sad to say, my biological

father left us and we do not really have a clue if he is still alive or dead. She used to hang-out with me and even at 22 years old, we still lay in the same bed. But, who can blame? and me as an adult, it's quite different but

nevertheless, I will not share that bed with anyone else except with Anna.

I met Anna at this kindergarten school, she was that red hair girl with warm brown clear eyes and while I look like more of a Chinese Asian guy with simple black hair yet she never hesitated to make me as her playmate buddies. But somehow, she transferred to another school and we meet again in elementary third grade and

became instant best friends. As time passed by, we are so inseparable but as we hit our hormones, I did not expect that we mutually fall in love and officially became 'Us' at 18 years of age.

At first, my mom got so worried and his family does not really like me. His Father and Mother are both successful, they are not rich but they are the type of parents who can afford their kids to go abroad to continue their studies. I can still remember, I told his father that "For now, I am a person with nothing to offer but not a nobody. I am the

type of person who does not take love for granted nor can't even protect it. I am not responding to you out of disrespect, but to prove to you that I can protect my love for her and her love for "US". I am not asking too

much but please allow me to love her and in time, I can be someone to provide her with everything"

I'd say it was a home run and a perfect goal score, I even made my mom cried quite a lot. I remember she asked me, "Hey Cai, I never knew you can love so much"

“I work with wonders mom”

“But the way you said it, I was so amazed and so proud of you”

"Nah, it was all thanks to Professor Kim"

"Oh, you had an attorney filling in your wonders”

"I am a sincere hot-blooded male,  mom. It was just improvised with a better version"

And, we laughed so hard.

I never had a father figure and Professor Kim was just a temporary teacher at our school. Somehow, he likes how I handle debates and started to cling on me like a leech begging me to be his apprentice and so forth. He started to bug mom as well.

I really hope, he can try to love him too but I guess there were never any feelings with them or

something. Even, then Professor Kim became my father figure and I will never be

this person today without him.

Going back to Anna, I managed to get a soft spot with her Mom’s heart and I simply became the son to his Father. I got on pretty well, despite the hardships I never complained. I am so lucky and damn! I am so late.

Anna will be pissed off, we always have this tradition to take graduation photos with other graduating students

busy with their happiness as our background. And be damned, I just arrived in time and I have not seen her.

And just then, I saw her walked in stage getting her diploma for Political Science.

Coincidentally, we both have the same career path.

As she walked by, I waved at her and give her the biggest heart hand figure or whatever it looks like and as

they say, I way to a woman’s forgiveness is to overdose her with your attention

but her eyes seem distressed. Is she really mad at me?

I immediately went to her after the ceremony, “Hi, beautiful and I am so sorry for being late. And, it’s not too

late to take our graduation photo”

“No worries, I’ll need to talk with my classmates, some colleagues

and friends to say my goodbye’s first”

“Alright. Want me to join you?  I can take your photos with them”

“I’m good, why don’t you go to your friends too and I’ll come to you later”

“Cool, I’ll just wait here near the stage…”

“How about the classroom near auditorium 1”

Is she really mad? There is really something off and I need to settle this in a good way.

After an hour, I told my mom that she can go home first and I’ll pick her up at our dinner with Anna’s Family.

I am a bit flustered as she is not acting her usual self. This time, I arrived first and I saw her walking with the head bow down.

“Are you looking for any coin?” and give her my light smile

“No, I am just thinking of how to say it”

“Then say it”

“You know that I loved you right?”

“Yes, and me to you”

“I will always be thankful for everything with you”

“What’s this being sentimental?”

“ I mean it Cai”

“Wait…you said “loved”. Was it because we’ve been together for so

long? Or  I am having this imagination?”

“You’re not”

“Why don’t you be clear of what you want to say, Anna”

“Perhaps, we can slow it down. Our relationship, I mean. You got your future with Professor Kim and I am pretty sure that if you will give him his full attention, you will end so great”

“I have plans for that and I do not think it can make you worry…”

“I am worried! All my life revolves around you and my family is expecting you. I do not have any problems with that but the world is so full. There are more things I want to do. I do not understand why I even took

political science. We’ve been so busy for the last 3 months and I have not really talked to you and I totally understand and I am fine with it. But what happened to me for the last 3 months is….”

“Freedom?”

“It is not like that but I have not really explored myself with being me. I was given the opportunity for the last 3 months and I did not expect, I passed on the audition and everything happened so fast and I just can’t

skip on this opportunity. And, if I’ll choose this path I may not have the time of waiting for you always. And I am starting to hate it”

“How about working it out? Was this question considered from this agenda?”

“I do not know nor even sure. And with this career, I am going I am not sure if I can go home right away and be there when you need me”

“So, you are making decisions for US. And, I am not included?”

“Damn it Cai! I am not doing this to hurt you”

“Then what it is called?”

“I do not want to be your blocking stone. I don’t want to be a hindrance and I am pretty sure it will be tough for both of us. All, I am asking is that will have to take this slow”

“What you mean by slow”

“Let us establish again our friendship with this new environment that I will be working on. I do not want to make any guarantees and in this line of job, I may hurt you”

“So, easy as that. I never thought you will cross this line”

“Please let’s not make things worse”

“Why don’t you be honest rather than babble”

“Cai, I need to let you go”

And, he started to walk away. I tried to call his name “Cai…..are you even interested in the change of profession I will go to?” But he keeps on walking, without turning his back and not a word.

That night, I told my parents. My father was so mad and mom was just speechless. Nobody continues to dine.

The next day, I was hoping to contact Cai as I just received a message for the shooting schedule and I want him to be there at the airport. I want him to understand that becoming an “Actress” is not an easy thing. My manager

already told me the possibilities of what will happen.  I need him to be ready and I need to protect him.

 But I have not heard anything from him nor from his mother. I tried texting our other friends and surprisingly I receive  a response,

“What’s with this broken up drama between you two? And, now you are sad that he just left for Washington”

I accidentally slipped my phone and he just left without even saying goodbye. I cried quite a lot and my mom just comforted me but my dad was nowhere to be seen, he was so against my change shift of career.

He just started to look pity on me when I forced myself not to cry as it will affect my face with the camera.

I keep on reminding myself, “I am just following my dreams”

“Anna you have to pout more”

“Yes, Direct”

‘Hey! With a red lipstick on those lips, you turn into a seductress”

“To be honest, I am not that good with modeling stuff”

“Will you got to grab this or leave. You're lucky to catch Mr. Wilson’s eye. Remember where you

came from and If I were you, you will not waste this opportunity. I also recall that Michelle gloated over you like her new female actress and it turned out you’re a sour in everybody’s eyes. So? What do you really want”

At that time, I remember why I left him and responded: “Guide me”.

After a few shots and another round of insults, I was able to be more flexible. I keep on holding all

the tears and project my emotions to my face. Direct Cedric knew that I am about to cry so he made me do sexy pose in a lingerie that was just left by his lover in bed or preparing for my lover to return but it never happened. The

original theme was supposed to be daring and bold an independent woman in this society but I could not project the damn idea and he changed it to a unrequited love.

“Darling, you turn out to be a Gem”

“I am so sorry Direct”

“Yeah, I was cursing you the whole day”

“Hmm…”

“Don’t take it to your heart, darling. We are in this business and I am not happy hurting others.

However, a job is a job and your eyes are so lifeless. It started to change when you are about to cry”

“Those are insane insults” and we both laughed.

"How about you continue working with me. I mean, you are still auditioning and it’s not a guarantee.

Why don’t you start little by little with me”

“I mean, why me? And I am not that crazy to still work with you”

“hahaha, you are new to this. It is an adjusting phase and start to grow some horns. You got the

natural seductress look and not anyone can pull it off. Others have to do a lot of make-up, just to get the vibe. But you, a red lipstick will only do”

“What do you have in mind?”

“I am about to sign an agreement with a famous lingerie brand. I will be assigned with the photos and

a killer lady will direct the whole opening show. I can recommend you as the main star”

“I think it’s impossible. There are a lot of seasoned actresses”

“We recommended it. But they have their own marketing strategy and they do not want to use seasoned

actresses as they have endorsed many products already and it will just overlap with their product, especially in the lingerie business. They want a new face that can leave a scar to everyone”

“I will need to discuss this with Michelle”

“I talked to her already and will be meeting her at “Blue Cosmo” Bar”

“I was not informed”

“Well, she told me to bring you along and try to convince you and she is bringing the contract”

“How long, will this take?”

“One month project”

“Wow, that long. The budget must be a huge deal and the commercial preparations”

“Am I enticing you’re curiosity”

“Will think it over with a cold margarita”

Off we go to the bar, it was a chill-out bar and not the noisy type. The song is mostly in sexy ballads and

I’ve been a frequent visitor since Michelle introduced me to that place.

For a start, I met Michelle prior to 3 months of our Graduation Ceremony. I was just walking in the park

and try to breathe some air. I walk around and around, for almost 2 hours already. I am not even sure why I keep on doing it and keep on staring at the ground, I did not notice that there was a variety and the organizer called me in to participate.

It was too late for me to avoid it; I just participated in and follow their instructions. There was a bit an

acting part and my role is a mistress and the variety was a bit of comedy. To my surprise, I made everyone laugh.  I

look at the crowd and I just noticed that I was not with Cai.

It was just me.

I started to think, have I tried to do things on my own? For so long, I could not leave without him and he

has to be there every time I need him and yes, most of the time. He is always late but he never missed a beat and every time I look back, he is always there.

As I was about to exit, a lady just pops from my behind and introduced herself as Michelle Ling, an agent

to Star Company. At first, I was hesitant yet she showed me her portfolio, her Weibo account with colleagues and the artist she worked with. She invited me to their agency to try acting out just for 3 days and get into the vibe if I really like it.

I told my parents that I’ll go to some seminar and Cai is not going. On the other hand, I did not tell Cai

the exact place and I just told him that I’ll be joining this acting seminar just to loosen up. It was my first lie to him.

To my surprise, I got results with full marks and I can really be an actress if I pursue it.

That was the first time I accomplish something without anyone looking out for me, the first time that I got so

worried without telling anyone and the first time to be brave.

Is this the feeling of being single or the feeling of an independent woman.

Why do I now feel restricted if I’ll continue this relationship with Cai and will he accept the path I chose?

We have so many dreams and plans. It just dawns on me that I leave Cai’s dream and it was not for me.

By then, Michelle started to have regular communications with me. Trying, begging and pleading for me to

sign an exclusive contract with Star Company. She said that a director was so happy with the way I act and wanted me on board. I never thought that Michelle would make her move very fast.

I told her though that I have a boyfriend and our families are expecting us to get married once he got settled. Michelle responded, “Well, it’s okay and you can also start your own. Don’t tell me you are leaving his

dream and not yours. I think you are a late bloomer and just discovered your potential. Be an independent woman and do not relay of his success, okay? In my opinion, he is not a sugar daddy and we are now in the 21st century. The only obstacle I am seeing here is that. How will he handle his feelings if you will be an actress? I got to be

upfront with you, any scandal. As long as it is within the normal scandal is considered a marketing strategy and most artist, ride its wave cause for big exposure. But of course, I want you to make your own waves but not because of a scandal.”

That her statement alone, made me worry so much. For US and for Cai.

How long can he keep up with the façade that he is okay with my career path? I could not even tell him the

truth knowing we plan and build our career path together. Knowing his personality or perhaps, I am overthinking. I have not even signed any contract yet and I am having this mindset now.

But what if, it will break us. The break is much worse as there is no going back.

And in the end, I may have said the wrong words or it was not just acceptable.

We ended broken.

As Direct Cedric drove his Car in the highway, I can’t help to reminisce my past and It’s almost 5 years

already. I am pretty sure, everyone has moved on.

“Darling what were you thinking? We’ve just arrived”

We walked in the bar and there is Michelle, easy to find as she is bubbly and a loud talker.

“If you were to become a speaker, you do not need a megaphone”

“Well, hello ugly”

“So you two were close?” I asked while Michelle is giggling

“Unfortunately, yes” Direct Cedric responded while trying to call the waiter

Michelle started to peek at me and ask “Are we to sign the contract now?”

I responded, hesitantly “To be honest, the role that I am portraying is too sexy and I am not sure that I wanted that path”

Michelle sighed and responded, “Well, I may have to bribe you”

“Is there something wrong with being sexy as hell?” Direct Cedric gave me this disapproving look.

“Well, I do not want to achieve stuff using my body”

Direct Cedric was a bit shock, “what are you implying? I am selling your body”

Michelle sighed and give me a pat in the back, “In this field, all artist are doing all the stunts they can

pull off either legal or illegal. But, everything is up to your head and how it will affect you. Bottom line, you are the owner of your mind. Still, I am not forcing you with anything but just to let you know. I got you a role in this

movie “Mermaid Blue”. And guess what, you got the lead role cause I told the Director that you’ll be singing with Allure Lingerie. To my surprise, he was aware of this project and really wanted to direct the show”

I heard Direct Cedric’s laughter and I just bit my lip and signed the contract.

We started to talk casually and more relaxed. While going to the comfort room, I heard it loud and clear “Cai I’ve

heard you just got back in China”

My world just stops. Shit!

I am literally shaking and hid. Hoping to hear more of the conversation.

Is it really Cai? I am sure his name is not an exclusive property.

I am pretty damn sure that there a lot guy has his name.

 And I heard the guy talking again.

“Come on man, I promise you. This bar is low key and not the hype type. But for you, I have already arranged it

to change tonight. It will be fun, just like the Mexico days. Tequilla and tan lotion. The music and heat. Don’t tell me you will still not come? You are not her keeper nor you are his man. You are obligated to protect her rights because

she pays you well. Though, the nights are another story.”

 I heard myself grasp, he is now one of those guys.

 Memories suddenly came like a flash, I will never forget how fierce his look every time he craves for me and how it turns me on. I was so drunk at that time and all the girls at school have intimate interactions already with their boyfriend. I want to feel it too but Cai is so uptight and would just bite my ear every time I want to do it. And keeps on saying, ‘the right time will come for us’

I was so mad at him and ended up so drank. I really want him so bad at that time. And, there were a lot of times

how I watch him control himself.

The girls will be really crazy about him. Then, I heard the guy laughing out loud and said: “Alright,

see you in fifteen minutes”.

I double-check the area and ensure that the guy has already left and go look for Michelle and Cedric. I rushed to both of them and I need to get out here fast. I am not confident to meet him nor I have the face and who knows if I really can.

“Michelle, I got to go. Something’s came up”

Michelle grabs my arm and said “Oh no, not that fast young lady. Your father hates your guts and your mother is just so so. I believe you do not have any right to lie to me right now”

“Not like that Michelle, I just really have to go. Just tonight, please”

But, Cedric suddenly grabs me at the back and put on a masquerade mask.

And as I look at the place, everyone starts to wear the mask.

Michelle whispers to my ear, “Whoever you are hiding, I promise you he cannot tell”

Cedric chimed in. “Wow, those lips are real sexy as sin. And with the mask, no one can recognize you”

“I think I look like your mother” and the three of us started to giggle yet I keep on saying that I really have to go. Cedric was psst off and grabs me to the nearest mirror in the bar. There I saw my face.

Unrecognizable.

Why should I be afraid?

Is this my chance to see him in person?

What does he look like by then?

Will, he still looks like the boy next door?

Can he recognize me?

The lights at the bar started to change, a bit darker and candles lighted to every corner.

Seems like the bar turns into a gothic theme and the sultry voice of the songstress perfectly fits for the occasion. Cedric bought a bottle of scotch and I was so tense, I grab the and pour it to my glass and swallow everything in one go.

“Darling, relax the night is so young” Cedric grabs the bottle at my hand.

Michelle reach out for her glass “I need another refill Mr. Bartender”

“Say, please” Cedric laughingly tease Michelle.

I ended grabbing the bottle again and again. Pour my glass with scotch and drank it like water.

I heard Michelle’s shriek of laughter and Cedric’s applause.

However, Michelle did not stop laughing and we ended us the very noisy people, everyone enjoys our banter.

“I told you she is a megaphone” I can see the huge red blushes on her cheeks, I asked Cedric “Is she drunk?”

“Darling, if you were with me. The goal is to get drunk, are you drunk?”

“I feel a bit light; does it count?”

Michelle suddenly stands up and said, “No, the goal for tonight is to show your talent”

I responded to her, “Really? You will push your own talent to her doom?”

Michelle point her finger at me saying “You will just show them your talent”

Cedric laughingly pulled down Michelle on the couch and said: “So, everything is in order then?”

Michelle responded, “Yes, everything has a purpose”

I could not help but laugh till my stomach aches but I could not help the tension I am feeling. Where is he? I did not see him coming at the entrance and drunken Michelle is my perfect alibi to escape. I am still not confident with the mask I am wearing. Yet, there is still no sign of him.

We ended drinking 2 bottles of scotch and laugh as hard as I can. I am not even sure if the tension is visible or we’re just all drunk.

 Michelle was a drunk mess but in a beautiful way, she has her own charm despite her simple look and I was admiring her beauty. And, my head it so light. I paused for a moment and tried to look for water but I guess I am really drunk. I can hear the music more clearly and twinkling lights entice me. I feel like I am chasing a firefly.

I can hear a voice, was it calling me? I am not really sure and as I look back, I saw the songstress. I was so

engrossed with her sultry voice. I feel like I want to touch her, something so fragile yet so unique.

Her voice soothes the tension, I started to feel relax or more like sedated. I want to move; sway my arms in

the tune with her voice, hips are moving side to side and arms are swaying, touch my body and feel my hair. To really loosen up, just to loosen up of all the years I struggled for and left to achieve my ambition today.

Her tune starts to get fast and I feel like I am dancing in tune and in beat. I can hear my heart beating faster

and I heard applause. I can see the songstress beaming and smiling at me. That smile, so radiant and natural, I was like that before.

I feel so giddy and I can feel my own feet starting to walk. Oh my goodness, I walked into the stage and I was

drunk, I hope I did not embarrass myself. A lot of people came up to me and I could not understand what they are saying and why should they crowd me in. Then, suddenly someone grabs me.

 I can feel the night breeze. So I was pulled in at the back area of the bar, there is a garden.

“You look like you need to be rescued”

 As I look up, I am seeing this man. He was so tall and I was just above his chest. I could not see his hair as the

mask covered it all the way back. I realized he was staring at me and I forgot my manners. I immediately responded, “thank you for rescuing me”

“I thought so too” And, he handed me with a cold glass of water.

Maybe there is something with the water? I tried to calm myself and drink the water. Goodness, I was parched and

I can really feel my dry throat. I drank water as fast as I can.

A little water trickled it's way to my lips and quickly lick on it.

I was about to say thank you again and I saw him staring at me.

For some reason, I stared back. I was being pulled by gravity or something. Slowly, like in the movies. His head

is descending and meeting mine. I can feel his nose to my nose with his ragged breathing.

“Why did you that?”

“What do you mean?”

And, he pulls my waist and kisses me. Both hands are trap to his chest and he kissed me so urgently. I do not want this but I am starting to like the feeling he is giving me.

I kissed him back and he puts his hands in my waist. I put my hands at the back of his neck while we are kissing

back each other. I am not sure for how long I am kissing him but I started to lose some air and this feeling I am having with him feels like an eternity.

For how long we’ve been kissing each other. I do not really know.

And as he suddenly stops, I feel more lost.

“Thank you kiss will do” and he walked away.

I was played! I was so furious but who was to blame him. I like how he kissed me and

as I look his way walking. His back is really familiar.