WARNING

This Content builds suicide and diversity thoughts, self transforms, self hate.

I am weak, useless and sophisticated to anyone, the story of "I" was taken from a small part of my own experience, if anyone feels good-bye, I apologise for that fact, I just write what happened during my trip, for those who don't like it, forget reading and no comment, for those who feel we have the same tears, we are in the same boat, you can share with me.

I wrote this for you, whether you choose which path, which path I take or which path your taken, my life has changed and can't be fixed anymore, don't let my story be your guide, because it will destroy you.

I just want to stop the pain inside of me, that's way I go down into the underworld, I try everything to make myself comfortable, I think about killing myself and I'll do it, just waiting for the end to be my own.

I don't have a future, I don't have a lot of precious things, I'm not a great guy who's always loved by everyone, I'm not a successful guy, I'm just a guy with mental illness, I'm just a shy guy who can't socialize.

This is the life story of a man who has never felt true happiness like that of others feels, story of 'I' means to refer to the story of the author, who is none other than me.

I was born in a small village in the beautiful hills, I lived and raised in a very simple house with bamboo walls that has been made similar to a board, my father is Javanese and my mother is Sumatra, here is the most beautiful story in my life, they always take care of me, always give me anything, even though Im not asking, all the beautiful things ends when I was a kid moved to Java, from here at first I did not know the internal problems of my family, well I entered elementary school in age 5 years old and I'm the smallest kid among the other students, many say I'm 'tuyul', the nickname until now there are still calling me tuyul.

Elementary school for me is just filling the time, I used to love reading, whatever I read except lessons, well I'm not good at any subject, but I was always interested in English. My daily life is just after school, in the afternoon as well as school, instead of studying but I do a lot of learning through self-taught, I'm sure without any help I can be myself, my dreams are much, one of them is I want to be happy with my mom and be the proudest child, I also want to have a younger sibling which in my mind is there that cab makes me excited and can be a good brother. After graduating from elementary school and madrasa, I was told to go to the cottage or school here, in Java, I certainly chose a school because as long as I knew that the boarding school had no time to have fun, I enrolled myself in my favorite junior high school in my village, after helping grandmother selling cookies, I took 1.500 rupiahs of money only to go alone to register to state junior high school which their said was a favorite school, my brother, his aunt's son he came home and he went with aunt to register for the junior high school, I only brought money 1,500, which 1000 for public transportation costs, 500 of which I use to buy some snacks, I see the others in the same tow with their mom while I'm alone, I don't know what I feel but I try to pretend I'm not sad in public, so if I look sad when I see the happiness of others I think is a weakness boy, you know for yourself that school life is cruel to those who can't adapt, at first I also thought that even though I was in the middle of a relationship n somehow I feel alone, I don't know that, understand I'm still a runny nose.

The results of the announcement came out and I looked for my name on the list of students received, my brother had already appeared, but I was still looking, when I was almost desperate, oh gosh.... it turned out that my aunt found my name stuck in the order of 323. 'Thank God,' I said. and I officially became a junior high school student 1. During MOS, I also meet a classy, ​​cute senior, in the worst class division, I got the last class, the 'H' class. MOS and Boy Scouts, which I love the most when I see my seniors, her name is Dwima Ayu, she might be the first person I like, but at that time I didn't understand the concept of love, which I knew was zero, I didn't have any experience, I can only look at her from a distance and pay attention to her. In those days when I just enjoyed the sweetness of middle school, I accidentally found divorce papers in my father's closet when I was about to get clothes. 'deg' at that time I realized I shouldn't be here. Since then my outlook has begun to changed, I became the most naughty figure in school, I often enter problems office. Up to grade 2, I just got to know a girl of my classmate, even though I have one year together, but I just realized that her child is rather cute but sweet, her name is reza dwi rianty, she is quiet and doesn't like being disturbed but in class 2 I often fight too, so she maybe hate me so much.

Up grade 3, I still stay in class 'H' with Reza, I was happy but because maybe she already hated me, I was so stupid, ignorant of the duck, when I wanted to make an act and entered BK this time my teacher told me to be call our parents, with 5 people in my class and other classes. Being a migrant worker in Saudi Arabia and my mother didn't know where she was, I went home with a sad face if I remember those times, when I needed them, and they were not here to help me, then I asked aunty to come to school and I got nagged again.

Graduated junior high school I entered vocational Automotive major and I entered in a private vocational school that is quite favorite, here I also got a yellow card, ( it's great just like playing football just got a yellow card) a hard warning from school. I started smoking class 2 Vocational High School at first was banned from me, but because I was always hiding in secret. finally my dad allowed me to smoking. In grade 2, I also went to Jogja with a messy clothes, but in that city I first fell in love in the sense of being able to have, if I used to love someone else but could not have, now I can love a Catholic girl who has same tears as mine, the difference is my fate with her, she is from a rich family while I just a poor boy, I don't know where to start but what makes me fall in love is " she looks at me for who am i, she always watches over me, regulates me for my own good, she never give up on me, she was nagging, the most important thing was she knew what I had been through, she understood that, maybe she was the best for me, we were dating until I graduated from school.

Class 3 seems like on holiday I go to Semarang, I don't bring any money at all, I'm going with my friend just bring a guitar with one shirt, here in this city that I think is the worst city, me and my friend fall asleep at the station, at 3 am we were beaten up by security guards, we were doused with a bucket of water, who you think they are, fu**, five of them were really happy, fu**, where was my guitar missing there, no money and our clothes were wet, that morning became the saddest morning, I had to find anything to eat no matter what happened. I was willing to look for it in the trash, I found a packet of leftover rice and I brought it to eat us both, it contained rice with a piece of chicken look like had been eaten, but i don't care. "the important thing is that your stomach is full and your stomach needs are met". In the afternoon, me and my friend were looking for money again, but from morning till noon I was singing only get 7,500 rupiah, then I took the initiative to find a small restaurant call it 'warteg' and I asked the warteg's owner to help me for give me any job, I was told to wash the dishes, damn it, the plates were really much , from 1 pm, I started washing until 4 pm just finished, fortunately I immediately called my friend to help, we were given money, it's 120,000 rupiahs with the owner of the warteg and also free food. What I feel is it's hard to find money, damn it.

Graduated from my vocational school at the age of 17, I applied for a job in Semarang (if the place I know, I will definitely, forget, it's natural, because it's been a long time). I wasn't accepted, while 2 of my friends were accepted, on the pretext that I wasn't old enough so I failed, but my friends didn't even work, they preferred to work together or not at all. that night we slept in the mosque, then at dawn we started walking around carrying bags filled with clothes, just when we were going home, we didn't have enough money to pay bus fees, trans semarang, we ate, we didn't eat at all, that morning near the market is right there is a police station, the three of us asked for help from the mr. police, at 8 am and the police hurriedly gathered and gave us 80 thousand of their joint venture money, we were transported by a police car to the nearest bus stop, and he accompanied us until the busway arrived and asked to the busway driver, so that we are free from transportation payment.

After failing in Semarang, I wandered in Nusa Dua, Bali, I joined the coolie building that put gypsum together to make a partition, 6 months I was in Bali and after returning from Bali I managed to produce anything, I then moved tangerang and this is the beginning of everything that starts. I hate it, on June 7, 2014 I got bad news that my girlfriend was die, she take her last breath before me, since then I really hated this world, the pain that had not been treated now plus the lossing her that made me fall apart, I tried to calm myself, but I could not, I tried to kill myself at that time by taking a lot of drugs but I just had a heavy overdose, i was hospitalized for one week and I realized, life always falls on me and not even death doesn't accept me. I am now working in one of the factories in Tangerang, I started self-injury, wearing illicit goods, 3 years is the darkest period of my life, every night there are no days without alcohol and drugs, every Monday night I will not sleep even though in the morning I have go to work , I was destroy my own life, I used up all of my hardwork money for the taboo things, well even though I was caught by the police and I entered rehabilitation after being categorized as a user and not a dealer, my cousin is bothered thinking about me, I already hate my own family and now I hate them more, 2 months I was locked in a room, during that time I also like life in hell, I hate my life, really hate it, I was forced to take drugs to relieve my addiction, if I refused, I got hit , that's how I was until one day I succeeded in passing the darkest period, I didn't know what I was feeling anymore, it felt like I was already dead, only a panic attack was still left and now a little think suicidal, I came out of tangerang and was free on parole with no permission to enter the city of tangerang anymore, then I went home and was increasingly isolated from my own family, on that basis I would rather die than live by carrying this heavy burden, I am a loner, I'm always lonely, I'm always become a symbol of bad person.

I was also present at his funeral, where I was unable to see the person who understood me the most, instead left, I tried to smile even though I was crying inside.

From here I always think that I am useless, I cannot do anything properly, I cannot be a proudly child, what can I do is only embarrassing my family, I realize, as much as I realize that I am a disgrace, I am an illness for the family . I have decided one definite wish, who knows when it will come true, but for sure I have no future, I'm just a proper trash dumped, I'm suffering from mental disabilities, I'm suffering from panic attacks, I'm a depressed person, and I'm thinking about killing myself, i was creating the strory for the sake of ending the sadness in my life.

Now I never trust anyone, only a few people I trust, I write this when I'm sad, it's true what people say, they always judge people by their appearance. I can still survive this far, who knows how long I can still bear the burden of my life.

The most painful fact was when I heard the reason why my family threatened, honestly I didn't care anymore, I was used to living without parents, I'm not the spoiled child who usually asks for. You all know that most people commit suicide because they want to end the pain in their hearts, not because they are bored of life, just like me. You know how it feels every night, I always hear the screams in my head, it hurts so much when you can't get it out, I live in fear, I'm always scared, I'm not used to the crowd, I'm not used to talking with other people, I'm afraid they will see me as I see myself, I'm weak, I'm stupid.

Every night I get insomnia and I look for a busy life if I shut up I'm afraid something inside me will wake up and I become another horrible figure.

Everything about me is only bad, I don't know what is good in me. I don't even love myself and I dream of loving other people, how stupid i am, how could I be that stupid.

What I want is a person who can listen to all my complaints, not an idiot who wants me to change because of something, what I want is a figure that sees me as a human being when everyone is away from me and see's me like a trash.

She is always by my side, what I want is that a figure who loves me and never let me go, what I want won't happen because I know, FOR WHAT YOU LOVES A TRASH LIKE ME, FOR WHAT YOU WASTE YOUR TIME FOR A TRASH LIKE ME, FOR WHAT LISTENED A NONSENSE FROM ME. I am the figure of the past that is not supposed to live.

When a panic attack strikes, what I do is writing, then for me is the most beautiful moment where I can get it out all the words that appear in my head, I was not enough, i like dark, because where I was only in the dark, I realized that I was can't live under the light.

Sooner or later I'm going to return all of this, mom, sorry. This is the only way that I think is enough to end my prolonged sadness, let me alone. I behaved annoyingly only as a mask, I didn't want even a single person to feel lost if I died, I didn't want to be a part of this world that I thought was a real hell. I don't want to bond with anyone, I'm afraid my decision will change, I'm afraid to lose again. Let me suffering alone.

One more thing, I'm always smiling, I'm sensitive and I'm negative. I'm trapped in my own imagination, hoping a God's hand took dirty spirits inside me and my body decays without anyone knowing, I'm already tired of pretending, I'm already tired of this world, I've lived too long and stand here it's time for me to go home.

The most things i ever done is a mistake, every choice i take is a sin.

for the angel of death, please take me home, please, please

        I hate every moment that happens in my life, I don't know anything else to do. I know I made the wrong decision at that time, I jumped into the black world, the thing I never did was I never played with a women, I realized the feeling was been played, I never thought of the dating that I was aiming for, just how to relieve this pain, how i do was cheer myself up. People like me where there might be someone who likes.

       My mom is now remarried and she tells me that she doesn't want to have another child and my father is also remarried, even though for what numbers, I never want to know that, I let him live alone and never mix his business. I also have a life where I'm always alone, I am alone living that shitty life and I know what it's like to be disturbed.

        People who are initially alone then dream of having someone else by their side, that's ridiculous, like I'm stupid, I'm sometimes too open, trusting to much and always become the second choice. I don't blame them, I blame myself because I'm not good enough and i always affected by what I believe, some people never stand in the same attitude. I stay away from people because I don't want to be a part of them. I trust people too often, I tell them about me and what happens they may be tired and change and leave me without any explanation. Since then I have lost confidence in other people, I prefer to keep all those feelings alone because with that I don't need to depend on others.

       At first I was a good kid who always obeyed the rules and maybe the nerves in my brain are broken, so this is me now, just a piece of trash.

        Rubbish is still rubbish until whenever it will never be picked up again. If you ask me why I became like this, you definitely think I'm someone who is looking for attention, who wants to exist, it's because you don't know, you never feel what I feel and you never live in the shadow of others.

       I hate anything, now that I don't have anything worthy of pride, I just endure and survive, I never thought of my future.

     I now shut myself down, I love the silence, because in that atmosphere my mind is free from anything and only leaves with my imaginary friend.

        I know exactly how it feels like crying when everyone fall asleep and you can cry without fear that someone can heard, I know exactly how it feels, asking God to take your life, I know how much you hate when others see you with the way you see yourself. I know exactly how it feels like pretending to be happy even though inside you, you are very sad, I know exactly how it feels like pretending to be strong even though in reality you want to give up.

      Nobody knows the real me, anyway what they know, they also don't care right, what I know is that I can endure all of that and still be who I am. The dumbest guy, the weak guy, I'm used to feel all the pain, maybe because of that I also went numb, all I did was fantasize and write everything that happened in my head.

I just realized yesterday, no one can change the desires of others, I did it to my true love, she chose to end her life rather than live with sorrow, I always cheer her up, I always make her smile, I think I succeed but in reality I am failed. Thanks to her, I learned to stay in my mind and no one could shake it. In her last message she said " this world is only hell, and finally I can get it out of this hell, I succeeded in creating my own drama, my decision may be wrong in the eyes of others but I hold on to what I experienced, no one can be trusted , they only exist when I shine and disappear when I'm dim, in reality I'm just a disgrace to anyone, I can finally fall asleep in the cradle of God, let God put me in the deepest place in hell " she really committed suicide.

" I have no meaning to anyone, I can be replaced anytime, I don't deserve to get what other people have now, I really lost what I should have, parents who never existed for me, friends who only became shadows , I also want to be like those out there who can live without fear, I also want to have a normal life, have what others have, I also want to live without all this burden, but I'm stuck in my past, I always imagine the ugliness of myself and how disgusting I am in the eyes of others, I also plan to do what she does, maybe my way is wrong, when I love, I actually dissolve in that feeling without thinking about the impact of painful feelings, I have had enough and it's done , that's why I always improve the lives of others and can't improve my own life, maybe that's what made me like this, an annoying figure "

" Because of her, I know what it's like to lose, because of her, I understand the feeling of being abandoned, because her also stops me from believing things that make sense, when I'm sad, she's the source of my inspiration. Maybe if there isn't her, I left first, I couldn't imagine how many dreams I had and it all fell off because of my own behavior, I was only a small part of the story in this country, I wanted to be alone to enjoy my world, witnessing various things that made me calm, I'm just writing material on a piece of paper, I'm just a phrase in one meaningless word, I'm just a substitute in a drama called life, I'm just another nothing "

" I can't explain why I'm sad and why I'm sick when I look fine from the outside, I can't explain what I'm feeling, is it so insignificant of me, that I can be replaced with anyone, is it so despicable of me , so that your gaze hurts me so much, I'm also human, I have a sensitive heart and I'm the same as you guys but our destinies are different, I'm banished from the family sphere and live with hatred, the painful bond that you call family always gives me a deepest pain ".

" I just want to be happy like you, live with love and love, I just want to live like most people,"

" every day for 24 hours I hold myself to kill myself, I still survive, I always fall and cry, I cut my arm for a moment of calm and no one knows it. I still remember when my mom and dad just kept quiet " I'm just asking for an excuse, but she really said dirty words from her mouth, those words I still remember clearly. As good as whatever I do will still not change the fact that I'm still not good enough in the eyes of others"

" I decided to create my own drama like she did. Every day in my life, I always ask God to take my life. I know, I'm selfish, if I do that, I just create another pain. You never been me, so don't be as careless as your forehead judging me as if you were the right one. I want to be a shooting star and be able to reach her in the sky right there. It was just my plan, who knows what happened up front, I don't care and I don't want to know those troublesome things "

" As she said, where there is light there is darkness, this world consists of two opposites that complement each other, where I am alone, nothing completes my life. As far as I am, perfection consists of two different sides. I complete myself I created my imagination friend, a monster that resides in me, and thanks to that I have two different sides, depending on which you want to meet me, which is good or dark myself "

" she said, garbage can be recycled and can be valuable things, what she said was ambiguous, I didn't understand at all, at first she thought I wasn't as bad as she thought and after she got acquainted with my other self, she changed , she's getting farther and farther away, what I have to do, I don't know what to do " ( Jogjakarta's story ).

"suffering from depression and panic attacks, it was like living in hell, initially I wanted to be alone but I didn't want to be lonely, I wanted to have lots of friends but I hated socializing, I initially cared about what happened then at the same time I didn't care at all And what happened was the blankness that enveloped me, did you ever feel this feeling ? When everyone left you and you could only stand staring at them, you just looked and all for what !!! You know, losing is fear. greatest for everyone. From loss we hate, from hate us to envy and because of envy, we are no different from the devil "

" I am an anagram that decorates the world with sadness, I am part of an alienated world, I am part of the story of God's work"

" There's nothing that I can see but darkness, if only there was a little light I would try to reach it even though I fell repeatedly"

" I'm simple, a jerk who always smiles to cover up all my pain, by smiling I can hide my true self and nature"

"I hate, I hate, I hate arrrggghhhhh"

" I failed in my weakest phase, a thing that has no meaning only exists in me, I can't even control my body to stop hurting, I'm always never considered, my period as a drug addict is over, it seems tragic right to live, i just have only sadness and hatred, but whatever I hate, I can't hate my father as much as my mom, behind them I hate them but in front of them I just shut up and cry in their arms "

" My father and mother failed to become parents, they choose their ego over them instead of living together, I was among them, rather than me hurting one, I better hurt them all, so I have a reason to go."

" my other self likes various things about hurting myself, wanting amnesia so that I can forget everything without feeling guilty, my other side is more inclined to hate anything and also easy to cry, but on the other hand I am grateful, thanks to him I have a scars that becomes a reminder of myself, that scars is a reminder of my worst times "

" All I did was just be quiet and see everything go quickly, I resisted change, many people come and go, nothing was really settled, nothing and nobody ".