“Jisung! Why are there so many policemen outside our house?!” Chenle yelled. He didn’t know what to do with Jisung’s behaviour anymore. He didn’t know when it all started turning bad. Jisung was always out doing things that would get the two of them in trouble behind his back. He didn’t know if he could handle it anymore.

Jisung looked at the floor. He was too ashamed to look Chenle in the eye. “Someone called me a faggot because I always let you put makeup on me. I beat him a little too hard.” Jisung mumbled quietly. “You beat him a little too hard?! You broke two of his ribs!” Chenle shouted, exasperated.

Chenle walked out the door and started talking to the policemen, giving them money to pay for the man’s hospital bills. After the police left, he walked back inside and glared at Jisung. “There goes all the rent money we had for this month.” Jisung’s jaw dropped. “Are we really that short on money?”

“We wouldn’t be if you got an actual job instead of just wandering around the city and playing games in the arcade.” Chenle shaded. “I’m literally the only one trying to make a living here. Rent is expensive and we’re just barely holding onto the basement of this ugly, old house. You’re not making it any better, Jisung.”

“I’ll go find a job tomorrow.” Jisung declared, making Chenle roll his eyes. “The last time you said that, you got fired on the first day.” Jisung paused and thought about how he accidentally broke one of the cash registers from hitting it too hard when it was taking too long. “Well, this time I won’t be a cashier.”

“What are you going to be then, a waiter? You can barely even hold a cup, Jisung.” Chenle pointed out, making Jisung think harder for more possible job choices. “Well maybe I can be— “You know what? I’m breaking up with you. I’m tired of being the only one doing anything productive here.” Chenle yelled, pushing Jisung away from him.

“Wait don’t— “No, I’m not giving you any more chances! I’m tired of being the only one working. I’m tired of constantly taking care of your problems for you. I’m tired of being in this cycle. I’m done. We’re over, Jisung.” He said before going to his room and packing his stuff. “I’m going back to Shanghai tomorrow. Goodbye, Jisung.”

Jisung felt tears dripping down his cheeks. He did have a job. He just couldn’t tell Chenle what it was. If he did, it would mean that Chenle would have to face things he didn’t have to if he didn’t know. It hurt knowing that he was going to break up with Chenle and not get back together again.

How many times have they done this already? They would always fight about these things and then break up. Once they feel bad, they get back together. Chenle was right, Jisung didn’t know if he could continue this cycle anymore. He loved Chenle. More than anything, but he doesn’t know if that love is returned anymore.

“Before you go, let me tell you that everything I ever did was for your sake.”

Jisung walked through the streets of Seoul alone. It was around midnight, and he didn’t have the courage to face Chenle. He didn’t want to bother Chenle either, as he was probably exhausted from work. He pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it up. He was a smoker who started way too early and now he couldn’t stop.

If he had to be honest, Jisung really just wanted to run into Chenle’s arms and make up with him again. He remembered how happy they were when they first got together. All the dates they went on during the first year of them dating. All the kisses and cuddles while watching Netflix together at night. He wanted to go back to that time. That time where they didn’t have a wall between them.

While he walked through the city of Seoul, he noticed a small bookstore that was still open. Putting out his cigarette, he walked inside. “Welcome.” An old lady said from behind the counter. Jisung nodded at her and then continued looking through the store. He looked at all the cute notebooks meant to appeal young girls. When he looked at them, he was reminded of Chenle. Chenle was always hyper, and loved cute things way more than those gangster bikes that Jisung liked.

One particular notebook caught his eye. It wasn’t extremely cute and over the top, nor was it too simple. It had bright gold embroidery on the sides stitched onto a black leather cover. Jisung grabbed it, intrigued. He looked inside and saw that the notebook seemed to be more old-fashioned and out of style compared to the other cute, bright notebooks the store had.

“That’s the only copy left.” The old lady said, making Jisung jump from being startled. “If you want it, I’ll give it to you with a free pencil.” Jisung looked through the pens and pencils the store had. He grabbed a simple mechanical pencil, placing the notebook and pencil on the counter. The old lady scanned it. “12,000 won.” She said. Jisung looked through his wallet and pockets, searching for some spare money he might’ve had.

Luckily, he still had exactly 12,000 won left from the small amount of money he brought to the arcade the day before. He handed it to the old lady and watched the old lady place the money in her cash register. She handed the notebook and pencil to him, and he grabbed it gratefully. “Come back next time!” She called out softly when Jisung made his way out the door. Jisung looked at his new notebook and chuckled. “Why did I even buy you?” He asked, talking to himself.

Jisung was never a good writer, unlike Chenle was. Hell, he didn’t even have any good grades all throughout his years in school. His father never really cared about his grades, pushing him to learn how to defend himself using weapons instead. His mother cared about his grades a bit more, but never really had high expectations for him. Chenle, on the other hand, was good at everything academically. He was extremely smart, getting As like it was nothing.

Chenle had moved to Korea in middle school, and struggled to catch up to the work and learn Korean. During that time, Jisung finally felt that he was good at something besides using guns and swords. That time didn’t last long as Chenle soon became fluent in Korean within two years of arriving. Jisung felt proud that he was able to help Chenle learn Korean. It was a feeling he didn’t get anywhere else.

Jisung would never consider himself as someone good at writing, but he could write extremely emotional short stories if he wanted to. Throughout his school days, he often jotted down short stories into notebooks, letting Chenle read them for entertainment. His style of notebooks were always simple, yet beautiful notebooks. Those were what fit his aesthetic the best. Chenle had always loved his stories, always being excited to read them.

Somewhere along the way, he stopped writing. Maybe because of his nicotine addiction that developed after his cousin handed him a cigarette. Maybe because he got too caught up with his father’s orders and expectations. Maybe life just because too much to handle, which made him drop hobbies that he found unnecessary. Whatever the reason was, he never expected that he would go back to his old hobby. It was true that he needed a break from all the shit happening reality.

Jisung made his way back home, opening the door and wincing when it creaked. He sat down at the small kitchen table he and Chenle owned, and pulled out his notebook. For a while, he just thought about things he could write. He hasn’t really even thought about writing for years, so he was a bit stumped when it came to new ideas. Eventually, he settled on short quotes.

Jisung carefully opened his notebook, clicking his mechanical pencil. On the very first page, he wrote something very important to both him and Chenle.

‘Remember when we first met? You were that shy, Chinese kid who just transferred to our school and I was just, well, me.’

Jisung smiled when he reminisced about the days where he first met Chenle. He was sure that they both enjoyed each other’s company back then. They were considered as best friends as soon as they met, despite the language barrier. Some might say that they were soulmates. They never really cared about labels like ‘soulmates’ or ‘lovers’ or ‘best friends.’ They just enjoyed each other’s company, and that was all that mattered... right?

The smile disappeared and morphed into a frown when Jisung saw the suitcases in front of the door. Chenle was serious when he said that he was moving back to Shanghai. Jisung knew that he was, but he secretly hoped that Chenle was just joking. Turns out, he was wrong. Jisung sighed, burying his face into his large hands. He looked down at his hands, which were scarred and rough. Those where the exact hands that used to hold Chenle’s hand like it was the most precious thing on Earth.

Jisung was sure that both of them knew when everything turned from sweet to sour. It all started when Jisung graduated. He had just barely made it out of high school, but he still managed to do it. From there, everything just went downhill. Their sweet relationship puckered like a prune and turned as sour as a lemon. The fights became more common until they stopped talking to each other for weeks on end until someone felt bad and they decided to make up.

Their relationship was being ripped apart inside out, but neither of them could set aside their pride and say sorry. Jisung sighed at all the bad sides of him Chenle had to see during those fights. It was destructive. Vases and glass were broken. A few punches here and there. Most importantly, their hearts. Jisung’s heart broke at the memory of Chenle silently crying in their room after a fight that ended with Jisung accidentally punching Chenle while losing control. A lone tear dripped down his cheek, one that he didn’t bother wiping.

“If I could go back and fix everything, believe me, I would.”