6: SELF BLAME AND REALIZATION

..."There is no gender identity behind the expressions of gender... identity is performatively constituted by the very 'expressions' that are said to be its results." ...

...—Judith Butler...

...ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ...

...Khaelus Cross...

"Hey Khaelles?" I called out while changing my clothes. We're about to go home if your asking why.

"Hmm?" he hummed without looking at me.

"My earphone.. Where'd you put it?" I asked.

I saw him took a glance at me in the corner of my eye and shrugged so I turned at him and raised one of my eyebrows.

He quickly avoided my gaze which I didn't pay much attention to.

"You borrowed it and now you're telling me that you lost it?" I questioned him

"I didn't say that I lost it though— I just don't know where it is right now." he said nonchalantly

"Was I supposed to be glad? You clearly list it and yet you're denying that you didn't? You really annoying" I said and left him

I looked for my earphones at the dining table, kitchen, and even the same exact position we were at last night but it's nowhere to be found.

"Arghhhh!! Where the hell did he put it?!!" I roared while messing with my already messy hair.

I'm frustrated. Yes. That's because that's the only thing I received from my aunt or in short— Khaelles' mom. I don't actually remember anything but that's what mom told me before giving that to me.

"Khaellessssssss!!!"

"Where is it???!!!!!"

"I told you I don't know" I heard him answer from the room

"What are you two shouting about?" mom asked

"Khaelles lost my earphones" I mumbled

"It's just an earphone, why do you need to shout at your brother?" she said and I somehow felt bad but since I'm not nice, I won't say that

"He's not even my brother" I ventes before returning to the room

I saw Khaelles stop at his step and look at me sadly.

I rolled my eyes and ignored him.

I don't even kniw why I'm acting like this. It's not like that earphones is worth a million or anything. Mom was right, I could always buy a new one. Like my collections, it doesn't have any value. Maybe I just wanted something I could blame him for.

After that dream I started to be conscious around Khaelles. I wanted to blame him for everything but I know that it was partly my fault it turned out to be like this. It's my fault that I satrted having this uncontrollable desire towards him. It's my fault that I'm making myself feel this way. It is my fault for liking him.

After successfully jerking off with the thout of Khaelles, I finally realized that I'm gradually falling in the so called love trap and it's getting worse. Well, it may be too early to say all this but I'm not denying anything.

"Khaelus... I'm sorry I lost your earphones. I wasn't paying attention that I put it somewhere else other than your bag. Please.. Forgive me?" I heard his voice from outside the door.

I really want to open the door and tell him that it's ok. That it's not his fault but I didn't.

"I'm also here to let you know that we need to go" he added

"I'll... Be out... Just a minute" I whispered, I'm not sure if he heard.

After that I felt my phone vibrate inside my pocket so I opened it and saw that it was a message from my mom.

"I don't know what's happening with you and Khaelles but what you said earlier is too much. You know that he heard that and you didn't even bat a glance. It will hurt his feelings you know. I promised his parents that I'll take good care of him so I hope you apologize to him as soon as possible. Also, please let Khaelles in, his baggage is still inside the room and you're locking yourself in."

I smiled at that and as soon as I stood up another message came.

" I'm also worried about you so please go out right now. The plane will also leave in a few hours :) "

I sighed and opened the door. Before going out I carried Khaelles' bag and also mine. I aslo checked if I left anything and when I made syre that I didn't, I left the room.

"Oooohh, he's out. Let's go." mom said and I nodded

I walked with my mom and sat with her in the car.

"I'll— carry my bag...." Khaelles whispered while holding out his hand but I didn't give it to him "Khaelus...." he called out "Give it.. Please?" he said and I still didn't budge.

After a few seconds, he gasped and just let me be. He won't win to me anyway.

His bag is quite heavy and my mind keeps telling me that I shouldn't give it to him and that I should take care of him.

When we arrived at the airport, we quickly boarded our plane and sat down at our assigned seat.

He sat beside me, don't even ask.

He's nervous, I can tell. His playing with his fingers which he usually do when he's embarrassed or nervous.

"Sorry...." he whispered "I didn't really thought that I would lose your earphones... I.. Uhmm.. My mind is just a little messy that time especially when—" he stopped and glanced at me "I really didn't mean it" he added.

"Stop. I know you didn't mean it." I said and he looked relieved but he still won't stop playing with his fingers.

I stopped him by holding his hands.

I looked at him and smiked like how I usually do.

"What are you so nervous about? I said it's fine." I clarified.

He smiled and whispered something I didn't hear.

...----------------...

...My adopted brother and I...

***This work has been signed with NovelToon, and piracy such as reprinting without permission is strictly prohibited.***

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***