...Summary:...
...Jungkook believes that everyone is born as a tabula rasa, but Taehyung is convinced that he's born sick....
...“where do you think all these souls go, after someone dies?”...
...“your father’s the pastor, how would I know? doesn’t he say that they go to purgatory?”...
...“you see, that’s the thing. we’ll never know, because the only ones who do, will never have a chance to tell us.”...
...Notes:...
...okay so this work contains mentions of homophobia and includes religious themes. like lots of it. i have no intention of offending anyone with the things i say, because i am religious myself, but this is more of my opinion on some things. largely inspired by hozier's "take me to church", please listen!!!...
...disclaimer: unbeta-ed and it's a little over 3am right now i will come back to fix any mistakes later, and i wrote this half asleep i'm sorry!!...
...Work Text:...
...“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” – Paulo Coelho...
...Jungkook is fifteen, when his parents bring him to the pastor’s housewarming party....
...He sees the front door, heavy oak, its coat of varnish still evident and fresh over the wood, a thin crucifix attached right above the doorway, the dull metal that it has been crafted out of glinting faintly in the porch light....
...The pastor has a warm smile and hands that feel familiar in Jungkook's own. It feels like home, his hand clasped with this righteous man of God’s, the promise of heaven bright and tingling at the back of his tongue, mingling with his shy “hello”....
...“Thank you very much for joining us tonight,” Pastor Kim says, and Jungkook dips his head in a second greeting, stepping aside and hopefully out of sight to allow his parents to take over the responsibility of socializing on his behalf....
...When he glances around, he recognizes several members of the church that he’s been attending ever since he’s five, and there’s an unexplainable urge to lower his head, prevent anyone from noticing him....
...Jungkook’s earliest memory is Pastor Kim holding him down under the surface of a small pool. He remembers it; it’s a depression in the ground, cleverly hidden beneath the wooden plank that serves as a walkway in the middle of the church’s children’s playground. A disguised evil....
...Everyone around him had been smiling, and Jungkook had felt cold, warm only under his skin when Pastor Kim was murmuring a prayer in a low voice. He had been confused, lips parting to only bubbles when the man he’d been taught to trust had tried to drown him. Lungs burning, eyes red and prickling with hot tears once he’d finally stopped coughing....
...Baptism, they’d called it. You’re now bound to God, Jungkook. You are now saved....
...(Jungkook's been trying to define the meaning of salvation ever since.)...
...He helps himself to a glass of orange juice, pressing against a wall away from the soft buzz of adults’ chatter....
...“You look like you’ve committed a huge sin.”...
...Jungkook startles, the glass of half-finished orange juice slipping through his fingers and stopping only when he calms down enough to grip the almost-disaster around the rim....
...The boy has a strange, rectangular shaped smile, and it would have been proven unnerving if not for the soft crinkles around his eyes that put Jungkook's nerves back at ease. Harmless, the boy’s aura seems to emanate....
...“Well,” Jungkook finally replies, his voice scratchy and hoarse from disuse the entire night. “I haven’t done anything like that.”...
...“No reason to be hiding beside the kitchen then, is there now?” He’s got a low, soothing voice, lilting just enough to pass off as teasing, but it’s friendly, and Jungkook warms up to him naturally....
...“I’m not too fond of crowds.”...
...“Ah.”...
...They stay that way, the boy leaning against the wall opposite Jungkook, as Jungkook takes slow, unhurried sips of his orange juice, the low humming of conversation thrumming in the living room beside them....
...“Do you want to get away?”...
...Jungkook looks up at that, a spark of curiosity and relief in his own smile, and the boy beckons him along with three consecutive crooks of his index finger, turning his back to Jungkook wordlessly. Jungkook follows....
...There’s a yard, when they steal out the backdoor, a decent stretch of freshly trimmed grass, and Jungkook watches as the boy throws himself right in the middle, on his back, spread eagled, motioning for Jungkook to join him....
...“Look,” the boy’s eyes are glassed over, as if he’s suddenly far away, and Jungkook's gaze follows the point of his finger, sweeping across the expanse of stars that are spilled across the ink of the night. “Isn’t that beautiful?”...
...“Impressive,” Jungkook murmurs in agreement, arm raising unknowingly to trace the lines between the spaces of every blinking star....
...It may have been an hour, maybe more, but it only feels like a minute....
...The backdoor swings open and Pastor Kim is standing at the entrance, his silhouette blocking out the soft orange light that fills the kitchen behind him, and Jungkook lifts his head from where he’s sprawled on the grass, his cheeks tinting a faint pink in embarrassment....
...“Oh, Jungkook,” Pastor Kim says it as if he’s surprised to find him there. “What are the two of you doing out here?”...
...The boy has sat up, one hand running through his hair, combing out the leaves, and a little bit of Jungkook wishes that he would let them stay tangled in it, because it makes him look good (ethereal, otherworldly), but he doesn’t say that. “I was showing him the stars.”...
...Pastor Kim just sighs and tells the both of them to come back inside, because it’s a cold night, and it wouldn’t do well for either of you to fall sick....
...Jungkook lets the boy rake his fingers through his hair, holding still from the faint graze of his fingertips against Jungkook's scalp when he’s trying to pluck out every leaf....
...“All right, let’s go in.” There’s that smile again, and Jungkook follows the quirk of his lips back into the crowd....
...As the night progresses, Jungkook learns that the boy’s name is Taehyung. Kim Taehyung, he is seventeen (“Call me Taehyung.”), and he is the pastor’s son. Pastor Kim doesn’t elaborate much, so Jungkook takes it upon himself to play a game of twenty questions with Taehyung, the both of them tucked into a corner of the house, cross legged opposite each other....
...“Favourite book,” Jungkook's eyes are searching, amused as he watches the older boy fumble with his reply....
...“I can’t answer that.”...
...“You don’t read?”...
...“No,” and Taehyung looks absolutely aghast that Jungkook could even say that. “Of course I read. I just can’t name a favourite, there are too many good books out there.”...
...A silence, and Jungkook nods. “Fair enough.” Then, “are you not on good terms with your father?”...
...The regret pricks at him the moment the words leave his lips, and Taehyung's laugh withers slightly, chasing down into a faint smile. “Didn’t they tell you?”...
...“Tell me what?” Jungkook's sitting closer now, hearing the secret even before it’s spoken....
...“I was born sick,” Taehyung's voice is soft, sad even, and Jungkook likens it to forcing together two jigsaw pieces that clearly do not fit. “I heard my father say that to my mother, once.”...
...Later, when Jungkook's slipping his feet into his sneakers and turning to follow his parents to their car, he reaches over and squeezes Taehyung's hand reassuringly, watching the older boy’s eyes widen slightly in surprise....
...“I think you seem all right to me,” Jungkook says, and Taehyung lets out a soft laugh....
...“Thanks,” Taehyung drops his hand from their clasp and gives Jungkook a soft smile (Jungkook catches himself wanting to hold on for a little longer), “that’s what I think, too.”...
...The light is tinted ice blue, bright fragments like shattered glass over the floor of the sanctuary where the sun falls through the stained windows behind the pedestal where Pastor Kim is talking about spiritual growth and the journey of finding yourself....
...Jungkook is fully aware of how familiar and warm the weight of Taehyung's head on his shoulder is, a habit that the older boy has cultivated over the past three years, especially during sermons. “Hey,” Jungkook whispers, albeit playfully, “God has eyes everywhere.”...
...“Then he’ll see my heart.” Taehyung's voice is a half asleep slur, but still sarcastic nonetheless, and Jungkook lets out a soft chuckle, which abruptly stops when the other suddenly grabs his arm. “I also have something to show you, it’s a better sight than—” Taehyung gestures vaguely at the rest of the pews and the day’s attendance, “—this.”...
...There has never been a time where Jungkook regrets going along with whatever plan that Taehyung has, no matter how ridiculous it may sound....
...The kittens are creamy white and flecked with chestnut brown down the left side of their heads and ears....
...Jungkook blinks in pleasant surprise as Taehyung drops to a squat and picks one up into his arms, holding the mewling feline out at the younger. “Oh,” Jungkook says, confused, but takes the kitten into his own arms, letting it paw at his cheek. “How long have they been here?”...
...“I found them this morning,” Taehyung's got the other one treading on his chest, the boy himself sprawled out on his back in the middle of the churchyard, and Jungkook shudders at the implications. “Charming, aren’t they?”...
...A hum, and Jungkook makes his agreement known by taking his spot beside Taehyung, letting the kittens curl up between them as they turn to face the other, soil and grass in their hair....
...(“Do you want to get away?”)...
...“What are your plans after high school?” Taehyung's eyes are dark, curious. Intense, and Jungkook feels as if it’s prickling beneath his skin, Taehyung's words scrawling themselves along his veins....
...“College.”...
...“Elaborate?”...
...Taehyung has always had a laugh that draws Jungkook in. Deep, thoughtful, and a hint of temptation, as if he’s inviting Jungkook to join in, lose himself in the sounds. Jungkook's never been one to resist temptation. If anything, he understands why temptation exists, and why it can be misunderstood as salvation sometimes....
...“I think I want to study the universe.” Jungkook turns, eyes lifting skywards where the blue is deep and endless, and the vibration from the kittens’ purring is grounding him back to where they’re lying down amidst the stone graves of the churchyard. Morbid, nostalgic. “Astrophysics and astronomy. I want to know why everything is made the way it is.”...
...“The universe,” Taehyung echoes, and he sounds far away. “Will you be moving into dorms?”...
...“Nah, I think I’ll go to college around here.”...
...“Mm.”...
...They remain that way, until Taehyung speaks again (Jungkook had been drifting in and out of sleep, startling himself awake). “Hey, Jungkook?”...
...“Yeah?”...
...“Where do you think all these souls go, after someone dies?”...
...There’s a pause, and then Jungkook says, “your father’s the pastor, how would I know? Doesn’t he say that they go to purgatory?”...
...“That’s what they say,” and there it is, the fire in Taehyung's eyes. It burns, it’s desperate, almost, and he’s closer now, breath fanning out against Jungkook's cheek. “But, is it true?”...
...“If it isn’t, then their entire life would have been a lie.”...
...A stutter of a heartbeat, no one can be sure whose pulse it had been. Might have been Taehyung's, might have been Jungkook's....
...(Might have been both.)...
...“You see, that’s the thing.” Taehyung sits up, cradling the sleeping kitten in his lap, fingers trailing tenderly down the small, fragile body. “We’ll never know, because the only ones who do, will never have a chance to tell us.”...
...“Taehyung.”...
...“Do you want to know why he said I was born sick?” Taehyung's face is an inch from his, and Jungkook doesn’t realize that he’s holding his breath until his lips part to inhale, sharp and deep. “Why I’m not normal, why I’m not like everyone else, why I’m born a sinner?”...
...Jungkook whispers, “why?”...
...Time drains like sand down an hourglass, clogging at the neck. Taehyung's lips are warm and soft against Jungkook's, and they’ve got their eyes half open, both curious and flushed with the novelty of it all....
...Taehyung is the first to pull away, and he’s chewing on his lip, head lowered as if ashamed, petting the kitten so furiously that it stirs, letting out a plaintive whine. His lips part, presumably to apologize—...
...(In this moment, Jungkook decides that he’s never going to let Taehyung apologize for something that shouldn’t be thought of as wrong. He’s never, ever going to let Taehyung apologize for showing him that there’s so much more in this world.)...
...Jungkook says, “I think you’re all right,” leans in again to cup Taehyung's cheeks in his palms, hesitating just a split second before pressing their lips together again. Scared, nervous, but sure. Jungkook's never been so sure about something before....
...Taehyung steals the sun, shows it off in his smile. “That’s what I think, too.”...
...(“Hey, Jungkook?”...
...“Yeah?”...
...“Why do you think there are certain types of love that’s classified as sin?”...
...“I’ve never thought that way.”...
...“But you must wonder why? Why some types of love are unholy, unrighteous. Why some types of love are looked down upon, sneered at. Called wrong.”...
...“No love should be wrong, love is love. Everyone can love, everyone can love anyone.”...
...“Anyone they want?”...
...“Anyone they want.”...
...“But anyone can fall sick.”)...
...Fingertips like black-tipped feathers, warm breath that burns like ashes on pale skin. Jungkook is aflame, drunk on Taehyung's lips, hellfire simmering low and loud at the bottom of his stomach, serpents coiling....
...And Taehyung....
...Taehyung kisses like he’s the devil, warm, wet, promising. Bittersweet, and he’s so vulnerable, so trusting and so open, that Jungkook has only learnt how to take....
...Ask and it will be given to you, Jungkook remembers seeing it in the bible, barely glancing at the highlighted verses as the pastor mentioned it, and he remembers that he had been biting down on his lip, because Taehyung's head had been tucked between his knees, smirking against his throbbing skin. A majestic verse, He is all powerful. Jungkook whispers, “part your legs for me,” and Taehyung whimpers, letting his thighs fall open. Easy, so easy....
...Jungkook presses his fingers in, wet and cold from the lube, and drinks in every moan that Taehyung offers from the sanctuary of his parted lips. Seek and you will find. His fingers are incoherent, trembling, and Jungkook is still trying to figure out what clasped hands mean, his own gripped tight in Taehyung's, curled into almost-fists, knuckles white like bone....
...When he looks up, just barely, the room is a blur of Zen, white and black, the sheets crumpling beneath them as he surges forward with so much force that Taehyung's back slides up along the mattress....
...They only ever get to love here; in the safety of Taehyung's apartment, hidden from disapproving eyes and judging tongues. Jungkook would press Taehyung against the front door as the latter fumbles with the key and twists it in the lock, stumbling with their lips fitting like they’re made for each other....
...(It’s something they’ve decided when Jungkook first started college, and now, two years in, it doesn’t change. They were made for each other. They still are.)...
...Jungkook remembers it, vivid and hurting, a lightning alert at the base of his skull whenever he thinks about his father telling him to stay away from Taehyung....
...“He’s the pastor’s son, I know,” and he had raised a hand despite Jungkook's protests. “But he’s different. He’s not like us, and it’s better if the both of you don’t be around each other so much.”...
...“Love your neighbour as you love yourself,” Jungkook had bitten out, flinching in slight despair, eighteen and pressed down beneath the ground with the weight of parental oppression. “That’s what we learnt. Isn’t it?”...
...“He’s a bad influence.”...
...By now, everyone knows that when you’re young, you don’t really have a say of your own....
...“People are easily influenced, Jungkook. We’re very susceptible to temptation and sin. We shouldn’t put ourselves directly to the test.”...
...(“I think you’re all right.”)...
...Taehyung's nails leave white, faded crescents into Jungkook's arms, and Jungkook has his lips nestled into the crook of his neck, nipping bruises into the pale skin, every new mark earning him a muffled moan, an arch of Taehyung's back....
...“Jungkook,” Taehyung gasps, and Jungkook swallows the word right off the tip of Taehyung’s tongue as he slams his hips up, swallows it like it’s a prayer that he never wants god to hear. “Please.”...
...Taehyung offers up his body, and Jungkook accepts it, sees the universe implode in on itself, scattering stars behind his eyes....
...It reminds Jungkook of when he was eight and he’d watched the marble swirl beads of his mother’s rosary hitting the ground, one by one, short sharp knocks against the parquet flooring of their house....
...Taehyung is unravelling beneath him, lower lip tucked behind his teeth as he bites down, and Jungkook coaxes his mouth open with his own, drinking in every broken syllable, every “god, please” that escapes Taehyung's lips....
...Jungkook's not an atheist, and his religion may very well lie in the way Taehyung has made his name a prayer....
...He says, “I love you.”...
...Taehyung says it right back....
...(“That’s what I think, too.”)...
...A pair of arms encircle Jungkook's waist while he's trying to slot his notes into his backpack, and he startles, almost hitting his shoulder against the door of the lecture theatre....
...There is a laugh, low and muffled against Jungkook's back, and he lets out a sigh, two parts embarrassed and one part exasperated. “Taehyung.”...
...“Hello,” Taehyung's got his smile on when Jungkook turns around to draw him into a hug, pressing his chin over the younger's shoulder. “Tired? Want to go on a coffee date?”...
...Jungkook's heart swells (just a little, he's not that far gone) when Taehyung pulls back and blinks, lashes long and brushing against his cheekbones. He catches a short mumble of “fags” from some asshole walking past, and his fists clench into the back of Taehyung's shirt, feeling the older boy flinch....
...“Sure,” Jungkook's voice is low, tight and sprung with tension, but he knows he can't punch someone into the ground and risk having their parents find out about them. “Let's go on a coffee date.”...
...Taehyung's smile is the moon, but today, Jungkook thinks that it's waning; small, thin, a barely-there crescent....
...The paper cup is warm in Jungkook's hands, but Taehyung's fingers look cold, nails absentmindedly scraping at the surface of their table, the both of them tucked into a corner of the café....
...“Hey,” Jungkook murmurs, reaching out to slot their fingers together, holding Taehyung's hand in a tight grip. “What are you thinking about?...
...Taehyung startles, gaze lifting, but he presses his lips into a thin line, the sides of his eyes crinkling into a smile that doesn't quite reach the heart. “Nothing. There isn’t anything that interesting.”...
...Jungkook wants to say more, but he nods, says “I see”....
...“What are your plans for the future?” Taehyung's head remains lowered, staring blankly at the surface of the table as he slides his half empty cup of mocha from one open palm to the other, muffled scrape of paper against the surface. “Are you going to spend the rest of your life like this with me, always on the run, lying to your family?”...
...There’s a part of Jungkook that wants to reach out and cup Taehyung's face in his hands, but the part of him that’s afraid is vast, a weight on his chest that solders his palms to the edge of the table, skin melting fast into the wood because no, someone will see us and it’ll be the end. “I—”...
...“God’s not blind,” Taehyung says, and when he finally looks up, his eyes are sad. His smile is sad, he looks so tired that it physically aches Jungkook to just look at him. “I probably have no future, I was born without it. But you,” Taehyung's hand reaches out, clasps Jungkook's in his own, and it’s cold. “You have everything. It’s not too late for you, Jungkook. You don’t have to damn yourself with me.”...
...The silence is oppressive, stirring in the space between them.And then Jungkook's stretching his body across the table, lips pressing firmly against Taehyung's despite the hushed silence that immediately locks in every part of the café and the soft yelp that manages to slip from Taehyung's lips before he just stops breathing....
...Jungkook pulls back, calls him an idiot, then they’re grabbing their things and scramming the **** out of that café and every judging pair of eyes, hoping against all odds that none of the patrons are regular attendees at their church....
...Later, when they’re standing outside the door of Taehyung's apartment, Jungkook cages him against the wall beside it and kisses him again. Slow, sweet, painful. Says, “I love you, Taehyung. Family be damned, friends be damned, god be damned.” His breathing is heavy, and he knows that he probably looks scared. “Everything be damned,” Jungkook's lips graze Taehyung's own trembling ones, “if they won’t let us be happy.”...
...Taehyung just whispers, “the walls have ears.”...
...They stand there, steeping in the silence, breathing in each other and everything else that they have in the moment, then Taehyung lowers his head and mumbles, “can you stay the night?”...
...Jungkook says yes because he always says yes....
...Taehyung's in bed when Jungkook's on the phone with his mother, telling her that he’s going to stay the night at a friend’s to complete a group project. He gets through with no problems, and Taehyung lets himself be tucked into Jungkook's arms when the younger slips back under the sheets with him, head in the cradle of Jungkook's neck, cheek pressed against warm, familiar skin, smelling faintly of mint soap....
...They fall asleep like that, wrapped up in each other in their own little world, and then the sun breaks through the gaps between the curtains, burns fierce (almost angrily) beneath Jungkook's eyelids until he stirs and revels in the contemplation of eternal damnation....
...(“Where do you think all these souls go, after someone dies?”...
...“Your father’s the pastor, how would I know? Doesn’t he say that they go to purgatory?”...
...“That’s what they say. But, is it true?”...
...“If it isn’t, then their entire life would have been a lie.”...
...“You see, that’s the thing. We’ll never know, because the only ones who do, will never have a chance to tell us.”)...
...The choir is only just starting on the first hymn when Jungkook rushes up the stairwell to the sanctuary. When he glances up, he sees that the usher has just shut the door, and there’s a part of him that’s panicky, something that’s been ingrained into him growing up....
...A hand wraps around his wrist, and Taehyung's peering out from the wall, pulling Jungkook back down the stairs, a mischievous glint in his eyes, matching Jungkook's own questioning ones, though the younger’s got his brows lifted in curiosity. Amusement, perhaps. Taehyung's always had strange quirks....
...Taehyung's bringing them to the parking lots, Jungkook realizes. They’re heading towards his car....
...“Somewhere to go?” Jungkook keeps his voice levelled and as neutral as he can, though the short laugh of disbelief manages to steal out from behind his lips. “Somewhere urgent?”...
...“Definitely.” Taehyung's tugging the door open and clambering into the backseat (Jungkook's pulse starts to spike because it’s a blatant invitation and he’s not going to deny by saying that he would prefer to return to service and listen to a sermon that chips away at everything that he wants to live for), eyes shadowed by his bangs and lips quirking up into a faint smile....
...Jungkook swallows, because what are you doing, Taehyung?...
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