4- I Hate Myself

Diana

I sighed as I stood in my undergarments while looking at myself in the mirror in my closet. I have three more days before I get to meet my betrothed. I can't believe that we stop seeing each other since I was six and I still remember that last summer how I beg him to stay but he said "Diana I'm sorry sweetheart I have to go back because I'm going to prep school and this will be the last time we would see each other until our wedding day."

I'm shocked that it will be last time we see each other that I clung to him begging to take me with him. But he pulled me back and wipe away my tears that dripping down my cheek. "I will always be yours, wait for me. You'll come to me when you turned 25. I promise I will always be yours. "

My six years old self make a pinky promise with him. He laughed and make pinky swear promising me that I will always be his with a kiss on my forehead.

Who would have thought a kid like me would remember him and his promise to this days. I can't forget anything but not him. He owns my heart. My soul too.

"I hate my body. Why did I ate so much? " I whispered to myself while gripping my tummy and looking at myself through. People will think I'm being dramatic but seriously being 180 pounds and 5 feet 4 inches, anybody whose see me would laugh at me and start calling me fat.

Honestly talking I'm not who I'm used to be like when I was a kid. Not as cheerful as before but I still myself since my parents love for who I am.

Whoever that know me when I was little would always get shocked by what happened to me now. I didn't look like when I was stil a child. Please would always "What happen to you? You look different like day and night".

When we go out as family I would always get stared at because among my family I'm the darkest. There also some mean people who would say I'm adopted right infront of my parents and I face and when that happened my mother would start stand up for me.

I love my mom a lot but showing pictures when I was 4, it's not what I want stranger to know. Sometimes people can be so mean and start judging you without even knowing us.

That why I always try to put in my heart that being kind to people if you want people to be kind to you. Because we don't know what other people may go through on their daily life.

It is not for us to judge but for us to embrace what people may go through to make they react like that. Like my dad always say "If someone make you sad or angry just forgive them instead of getting even it's better to let it go because we don't know what going on in their life. "

I learn a lot of how to love people that sometimes I just don't know how to love myself.

I used to get bullied in high school because me being fat and dark skin always amusing to some people, which is until today I still don't understand why.

I'm also a human being, I have my hands, eyes, nose, and...sighing basically I'm a person like you just with different skin and body. My parents didn't know I was bullied, I didn't tell them. I mean how can I tell them I was bullied at school for being fat, I'm afraid to broke their heart so mostly I keep it to myself.

I always wear my hoodie even when I'm home just to hide my bruise, the good things is they know not to hit my face, they would always burn or hit me where I can cover it up.

I can't tell anyone that I was being bullied since most of the kids in my school love to messed me up. I don't have a single friend who would back me up.

But I'm not mad at them just disappointed, maybe they don't want to be bullied too. But I would have their back in a heart beat if they need me. I still remember on the graduation day they come and apologise for all those years.

Of course me being me I forgave them, I can't be angry for something they can't control. Like my dad always say "To move on, you'll have to forgive and forget even though it's make your heart bleed. It will make you be more grateful for every little thing that God give. "

Of course we became best friends since we got in the same college. Well things took different turn in college, my bullies became my friend and one of them had been my best friends Anna. I always knew Anna is a good person, with her look and body. My oh my she can be the next America top model.

With her blond hair, blue eyes and hot figure. She always had admirer throwing their self to her. Maybe I should call her playgirl but hey that my friend as long she didn't do something wrong like playing people I'm fine with her. It just sometimes she need a reminder.

I'm also kind of her bodyguard. Guys just come at me so they can be 'friend' with Anna. It's okay by me since I already had my betrothed, I don't any other guys except him.

I was startled out of my thought when Anna let herself in my room. I'm still uncomfortable letting anyone see my body. So I hurriedly pull up a sweat pants and a black hoodie.

"Hey girl, what are you doing? Are you not following my diet plan for you? " she glared at me while pointing at my stomach.

I just rolled my eyes "I already did follow your diet plan. Maybe it is not for me" I pouted and lay myself on the bed.

I sighed to myself and try to ignore what she said and get some sleep.

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