Friday

I was disappointed, not with anyone but with myself for giving people the space to hurt me. I tried so hard to be up to people's standards and make them consider me as a part of their life, but I didn't seem to fit anywhere. I changed myself just so I wouldn't be the ugly duckling.

It was so hard to just walk through life without having any motive, any ambition, any hope for tomorrow, just walking on lava and having stopped feeling it. Life had stopped for me, but I didn't notice it, I didn't notice myself going numb, I knew I was different, but it scared me, it scared me so much that I blocked that change and pretended I was ok, for my family, my friends. Nobody knew what was going on with me, hell even I didn't know what was wrong.

The biggest hand in making me hate myself was of my family, they didn't accept me for who I am because I was the black sheep of the family, for almost 2 decades they made me believe that I was the abuser, like I was somehow taking their care and love for granted,, but truth be told I didn't even know who I was, so I went with the flow, went with how the only people in my life wanted me to be.

The things people blamed me for were so small, but they made it seem like a mountain, they made it seem like it was the end of the world and the world didn't even accept a single mistake, maybe that is how they saw the world, that is what their perception of reality was.

I understand people I understood where they came from and what their fears were, so I went silent. I saw everyone's perspective and tried to be patient that maybe they will look past their reality, past their bubble of life and look at me, struggling, trying to pass every single second with difficulty. I hated life, I hated what it represented but after years and years of thinking that I was the victim, I understood that I was just different, different from other people.

I started to enjoy music. It dulled the voices in my head, made it quiet up there, I could focus better, it lulled the raging thoughts and over thinking.

As I walk in the rain with my headphones I think about how my life has been, how people affected it. What my reaction was to all this and how I coped with my life and I saw two people, they were sitting in a corner and I wondered who they were. I approached them, they were preparing for their exam. It was nice to see them, cuz for me they were the people in a university who are not liked by many individuals for their strong opinions, who are always the outcast of society. The different ones that no one accepted. It kind of reminded me of myself. And I approached them, there were supposed to be 3 people so I wondered where the third one was but didn't voice that curiosity. After 2 hours I saw someone who about to change my life forever.

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