The Words I Never Meant

You know, sometimes I feel like just running away from this life. I hate it that much. Why? Because since the day we’re born, we never really get the answer to one thing why we were born on this earth.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but whenever I plan something, thinking I’ll do this or I’ll do that, it somehow goes wrong. Not just small wrong… but completely opposite from what I wanted. And then, in the middle of it all, I end up hurting people who are close to me not because I want to, but because my words don’t always come out right.

Maybe it’s because of my environment. I didn’t grow up surrounded by soft words or sweet tones, so obviously my way of speaking isn’t going to be polished or perfect. But still… it hurts when people take my words in a way I never meant.

There’s this one incident in college I’ll never forget. We were in class, and I was casually talking to my teacher. The topic somehow shifted to cricket. She told me she only watched the India vs Pakistan matches, not matches with other countries.

I laughed and joked, “Ma’am, this is wrong… how’s that possible?”

It was just a small tease. We used to joke before, and I thought it was safe to do it again. But then, her expression changed. She got serious and said I was talking about her professionalism like I was questioning her in some official way.

I was shocked. I never even thought in that direction. I was just messing around like she used to do with me. But within minutes, I noticed her eyes getting wet. She… cried.

Everyone in class was staring, and my heart started racing. I quickly said, “Ma’am, I didn’t mean that. If my words hurt you, then I’m sorry for that. But this is not my mistake. I never meant it the way you took it.”

Even after saying sorry, I couldn’t feel guilty in the way she wanted me to. Because deep inside, I knew my intention was never to insult her. It’s like I stepped into a trap I couldn’t see, and somehow, I was still the villain.

After that, people asked me if I thought I was right or wrong. Honestly? I didn’t find any mistake in what I said. Maybe it’s just how I speak direct, without sugar coating. But that doesn’t mean my heart is cruel.

Moments like these make me realise why I feel disconnected from this life. You try to live simply, joke a little, speak freely… but somehow, things still turn against you. And the worst part? You have to keep defending yourself for something you never even meant.

That’s why I’ve been focusing more on my writing lately. My chat story, “When the Alpha Meets His Match”, has become a little escape for me. At least in my stories, I can control how my words are taken. No misunderstandings. No tears. Just characters who understand exactly what I mean.

But in real life? It’s messy. People don’t hear your heart, they only hear your words and sometimes, they twist them without even knowing.

And that’s the thing, Diary… sometimes, I truly hate this life. Not in a dramatic, movie kind of way. Just in that quiet, tired way. Because I keep asking myself, why was I born into this? If everything I do or say is going to be misunderstood, what’s the point?

Maybe one day I’ll find a place where my words are taken with love, not suspicion. Until then… I’ll just keep writing here. At least you, Diary, will never misunderstand me.

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