2~

Hello

Today's 27 may 2025

It's my birthday today

I became a 20 yrs old girl today at 6:34 am

First step in my 20's

But it would have been much better na if 20 yrs ago this time I was found dead in the womb.. A burden would have been lifted before it even came..

Like no one would had to suffer anymore because of me.. Some other kid would be playing in my parents arms with my sister..

I don't want to exist anymore.. I want my birthday to be death day also.. It's my birthday wish.. Can anyone fulfill it..

Like no one would have to remember be.. No one would have to endure me.. No one would have to do anything with me..

I would just vanish in the thin air like I never existed..

I don't know why but everything is feeling suffocating.. It's.. It's like it is strangling me till I won't be able to feel anymore, say anymore, express anymore.. I am feeling void inside me..

I don't want to exist.. I just want to die peacefully.. May be it will give me the peace I ever wanted for such a long time.. May death embrace me like it's own, may it pat my head and say u have done great surviving till now and now just get a good rest..

Now even birthday doesn't feel special.. It feels like just a another boring day..

Nothing special to be memorable.. Nothing something to hold upon.. Just nothing.. May be I am getting devoid of feelings.. But it's good in its own way.. I won't feel sad anymore.. And don't have to cry myself to sleep.. Don't have to long for care and love.. Don't have to do anything after hearing bad things about myself from my own people.. Don't have to feel anything..

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Am I too much talkative and irritate others with my voice.. Am I that irritating in whatever I do.. Even if I haven't done anything I get scolded.. Am I a toy and have no feelings..

Why does nobody understands my condition and just scold me for anything , even silly things which are not even my fault..

They just vent their anger on me by saying something, beating, ignoring,anything that's possible..

I think I don't matter anywhere.. I am just surviving.. Not living

My parents tolerate me because I am their child, my friends tolerate me becoz I am their classmate.. There's no one I can call mine or call whenever I need someone.. Whenever I want to share something very badly I find no one around me to share, so just type it up in whatsApp and send it to myself then later delete..

If I need help and think of someone no one comes to my mind.. Like I was never a part of them.. I haven't even shared my most of the secrets.. They are inside me and strangling me daily with the thoughts that "will there be ever someone to listen and make me feel light"

I don't know why I learned speaking if I have to be silent most if the time as my opinion, my talk, or anything I say doesn't matter.. They are just always been ignored like my existence was..

I don't know why but I am not feeling alright from a few months or so.. I think I am going into depression slowly.. I am thinking of doing psychological checkup once.. But don't get time for that..

I don't feel like living anymore.. I am not getting the reason to live.. I am just hanging on at the edge by a single thread which I don't know when will it break.. Just waiting for its breaking point to happen..

Now I am not getting excited about anything.. I don't even know my hobby anymore.. Nothing gives me peace anymore.. I am now living like a doll faking emotions..

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