1~

Grew up as the eldest daughter.. Very loved.. Very much appreciated..

Slowly and gradually it faded.. It faded like the stars fade when sun starts to show it's colour...

We all wait for the night to come and as the moon shows up we all tell our secrets.. But then forget it as soon as the morning comes..

I am just like a moon in my family with my sister being the sun.. Bright and cheerful to lift up everyone's mood....

Whenever anyone feels tense or something they share it to me.. But as soon as that phase ends I become Mr India for them.. They just forget me like I never existed... Do i dont have any value..

People say eldest daughters are just test subjects for their parents to practice parenting.. At first I didn't understand.. But now gradually I am understanding.. I am helping them to improve their parenting.. It's like my emotions doesn't matter. I don't matter.. Just me being a person matter not my soul, not my emotions🙂

I have loving and caring parents.. But sometimes they get strict and angry enough to not understand what they are saying or doing to me..sometimes I feel my tears doesn't matter.. My wounds doesn't matter.. Only my exam marks, my behavior,my obedience,my character towards others matter the most...

They helped me being grown into a perfect, disciplined human being... But also a person who is hollow from inside.. May be depressed as I can't make any friends and even if it is I can't enjoy becoz of their strictness.. 🙂

I am now feeling like a burden for everyone.. It's like I don't matter to anyone.. Do I have no value.. If I die will there be anyone who will cry for me.. Who will remember me and say that "I miss her".. " I miss her being around me "..

If I vanish one day then will there be anyone who will search for me like a crazy man and miss me like if I ever show up then they will hug me tightly and won't let me go.. NO RIGHT

I think better option for me is to vanish somewhere where there will be no one.. Only me and myself... I think I should just vanish to be free from this world.. To don't ever exist.. To don't ever feel left out.. To don't ever feel like a burden .. To don't be anything.. To don't be existing.....

I regret not dying during my childhood.. It would have been much better if I never existed.. I wouldn't have been a burden.. I would never be sad Or in depression..

It is eating me from inside but I can't make anyone understand about it.. I even called suicide helpline number but may be I am not lucky enough that is was unavailable.. May be I don't deserve help about this matter... I also wanted to be a part of my friends group.. I also wanted to be in love with someone.. Wanted to have a secret keeper with whom I can share anything without thinking any consequences.. Wanted to make my parents proud,to be strength of my sister..but at last became the most unwanted whom even me myself hates..leave about others

But may be I am not lucky enough.. May be I don't deserve all this.. I think it will be better if I vanish from this world.. Then i won't be a burden for anyone, won't have to face such hatred becoz of all this, won't feel left out..

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