Chapter 4

Dear journal,

Today was supposed to be insufferable, however, it was all but. Instead of falling back to my most reclusive self, in an effort to recharge my poor mind, she appeared again and interrupted the procedure. This time, when I had to leave her side those feelings that she provoked lingered. I'm still, as I'm writing showing symptoms. My body's temperature is unusually high, my thoughts seem to be slightly disorganized and my lips hurt from the exercise.

This morning I wasn't sure about going to school tomorrow, now, I have to say that the idea is less of an issue.

Truthfully, I'm scared. I don't know what all of this will bring. Just the thought of actually opening myself up to someone again used to make me sick to my stomach, however, here I am again today taking the same risk.

I seem to never learn.

XX/10/2XXX

Perhaps she occupies my mind too much?

Not only did I not beg for time to stop itself in its tracks but my malady didn't reveal itself to be as severe as it usually is.

My first thought was about her. It's weird how just one evening with her marked me. I was a bit in a daze this morning and although I still felt shallow, I had something somewhat pleasant to think about. Maybe I can consider her my new distraction?

I'm sure that to her that's all it is. Just mere amusement. I know that when she gets her full, she'll leave the field barren like it used to be before she planted her magical seeds.

After staring at my bedroom floor for too long, I went ahead and made breakfast. I wouldn't say that I'm phenomenal at cooking but it's something that my grandma taught me before she died, my dad contributed to my knowledge as well.

My... mother... She always said that a man didn't need to know about all this stuff and that I was better off doing things "suitable" for me. She kept all her recipes to herself and most of the time, only showed off her skills when guests were over, or after she flipped the switch on me...

I still can't believe she left me. After driving everyone away from me, leaving me isolated, she dared to let herself physically evaporate.

Maybe when she said, "All you will ever need is me!" and, "I'm all that you will have and cherish by your side!", I was lied to.

How could I not believe this woman though?

She's the same one who strangled me on the living room's floor.

Just because I dared to make a friend. Just because I dare let their mom drop me home.

"Hi, -! Hello, -!" Oh, it's Karina. There she is again, giving everyone their little gifts. Everyone's not-so-special greeting.

Like a machine in autopilot, I had found my way to my designated seat. As I became aware of my surroundings I observed her.

How can a being seem so perfect? It's almost inhuman but in a good way, not in the way that I am. The odd thing is, in a way she still has flaws but no one seems to hold it against her. Like her frequent change in partners. Not one person ever blames her, I think people actually rejoice when she breaks up with someone. Hoping that it'll be their chance to get close to her I suppose.

"Hi, Clay!" Ah, there is my gi-

"Hi... Um, Karina? What are you doing?" Why did she sit next to me? This seat is always empty. Well, I'm sure she'll go sit with her friends after finishing what she has to say.

"Huh? Oh, about yesterday, I'm sorry for leaving you like this. My parents called and... You know, I wanted to at least walk you back to the bus stop." She's talking as if this is no big deal, not even acknowledging my surprise. Karina does this too often. I don't know if it's her being an extrovert, but she's got this habit of acting overly familiar with me and I don't know what to think of it.

"Class rep, there you are. What are you doing at the back of the classroom? Oh, who's this you're talking to? Is he new?"

This person is one of her friends. I could get offended over the fact that she never noticed me, but I only remember her by silhouette because she is often around Karina and I definitely don't know her name. I guess we're even in a way.

Karina's the class representative so she has a lot of responsibilities as well as people busing around her. I mean that's one of the reasons she's so popular . Apparently, she's been voted as class rep every year. Not surprised.

"Silly." said Karina, "That's Clay. I'm sitting next to him today."

Huh? What does she mean by that? That's nowhere near what I expected. Today was supposed to be like every other day. Her jokes are going too far. Ah, yes she must be joking right?

She's not laughing... She didn't laugh at all. Karina, please if you sit here, they are going to notice and hate me. Can't we just buddy-buddy outside of school?

I don't want... I don't...

"Clay missed class yesterday. I'm sitting next to him so that he doesn't feel lost. That's what I should do as class rep!"

So that was her justification for toying with the status quo...?

Now, the fact that I was shocked was one thing. This girl has moved my core so much that I doubt it remembers what it feels like to be stable... I'm starting to think that she does it on purpose. The fact that the whole class went quiet is another. Like, was everyone eavesdropping? This was bad. I could feel all their gazes... this situation was getting uncomfortable.

I hid my face behind my arms out of reflex but it did little to help my current state. Still, burying my face on the table was the best solution I found at the time. Unfortunately, the main offender had found a breach in my defense.

"Hiding? How adorable." Said the malevolent spirit. And yes, I'm starting to think that Karina is an evil spirit who is trying to eat me whole! Nothing is normal with this girl.

After she pulled that stunt, I would say that things had seemed to have gone back to normal, somehow. They didn't to me, but did my opinion matter in this? No. Well, it's not that I didn't want her here but... Ugh! This was just too much to take in, okay? Like, how was I supposed to stay calm? I didn't know what to say, do... heck, at one point I think I forgot how to breathe. It was to the point where I actually paid attention to what the teacher was saying. I didn't have a choice... I couldn't even zone out like I usually do...

The pressure in me kept rising, I felt warmer and warmer and my eyes were getting blurry.

For the first time in the school year, I raised my hand in class. I had to get out of here.

I had to find a place where no one could see me.

And there I was, shaking from head to toe as I tried my best to cry silently. The heart palpitations, breathlessness, cold sweats, and that oh-so-familiar feeling of impending doom.

All of this in the bathroom. Thank you, Karina.

Mother... THAT WOMAN!

Why can't I get her out of my head?!

I can't let her find out about Karina.

But she's dead.

I can't let her or else she'll beat me again.

But she's dead.

She'll lock me in a dark room again.

But she's dead.

She'll make me starve.

She's dead.

She'll burn my books in front of me again.