Chapter 2

The moment Karina left, it felt like someone unplugged me from my life source. All the colors were gone once more.

The walk back was..., well, it wasn't enjoyable to say the least. As soon as I got back "home" and closed the door, the feeling of emptiness finally took back its usual center stage in my heart. I tried to do my usual routine but I couldn't. I had forgotten how good it felt to talk to someone who didn't judge you. She actually thanked me... She also smiled at me. Was I happy? No, it made me sad. It reminded me of how abnormal I was. After experiencing such warmth, how can I possibly go back to living this pitiful, disgusting excuse of a life that is my own? I would be fine being lonely if I truly was alone.

It's been a while since I had to face my emotions. Maybe I had it coming, after all, consistency has never been present in my life. It would have been odd if I were to only be confronted by one kind of misery.

I was wondering if that love you had for me was just an act. It's so strange. One moment I wish to forget about you, and the next I wish for you to come back. I felt that those good memories were hiding something from me. Those things surely were the reason for why I would wish to forget about you, but I couldn't remember.

Then I started crying again, and, in an attempt to stop those repulsive tears, I wanted to think of you, of all the joy you brought me, but that wasn't you, that was her, you two were different, that's how I understood it, you never loved me but she did. You added fuel to the fire and she extinguished it. You were the storm and she was the shelter. I was happy that you were gone but sad that she left. I had the answer to this mystery that wasn't one. I just wouldn't accept it.

I didn't go to school today. I didn't have the strength to. No one would notice anyway, they put me absent even when I am there. I doubt there would be a difference. I didn't eat either, not yet that is. There is no hunger hastening me. I spent the whole day doing what that woman called nothing, like writing in my journal, reading, etc... I was watching a movie in the living room when I heard the doorbell ring. I don't remember ordering anything... Maybe they got the wrong address? The bell rang again.

"Clay! It's Karina! Are you there?" Did I just hear that correctly? What is she doing here?

"K-Karina? Wait a second, I'm coming!"

I unconsciously rushed to open the door for her. After seeing her I felt it again, that warmth, the one that caused my melancholy, and still I couldn't say no to it. I let her into my "home" and we sat on the couch. Unlike those corny romcoms, I have no mess to hide. Actually, I'm sure she thinks that this house is empty and colorless, as if no one lives in it. In a way she wouldn't be wrong, I'm just... Wait, why did she come here any-

"You didn't come to class today. I wanted to see if you were alright. Hey, are you listening? You've been staring at the coffee table since earlier."

"I'm listening. I'm ju-" She just... Suddenly she placed her hand on my forehead.

"At least you don't have a fever. You're still a bit warm though. So, why weren't you at school?" I don't really understand why she cares... Hold on, how does she know where I live?

"I didn't feel too well." I'm not lying.

"Are you sick? Did you catch a cold?" She would never guess... not that I want her to.

"I'm not. I was just really tired." She'll believe that, right?

"Oh... is it because of the Saturday? It's my fault, isn't it?" Of course it's no- ... Actually, maybe it is.

"Clay I'm so sorry. I will..." Both of their stomachs growled . "I-I-I will buy you dinner..."

That was embarrassing for both of us I'm pretty sure. I was fine all day, how come I'm starving now?

"Do you not want to?", she asked. My stomach growled.

I felt my whole body heat up and even worse, she started laughing at me. "I... I want to..." For once I can't even think.

I somehow ended up going out with her. I don't even remember how I got there. All I know is that we took the bus and talked about our families. Well, more like she talked about hers and I listened. She's the youngest in her family, second to her older sister. She said that they don't talk much. After her late younger brother's death, her parents became cold with her. She thinks that they blame her for his death. I don't know the details since she seemed to be getting sensitive. I told her that "there's no need to go into details. I know you didn't do anything wrong."

The subject was subtly changed to that of relationships.

"Did I tell you that I have a boyfriend?" She said. That hurt a bit, even though I already noticed.

"No, you didn't."

"I don't actually like him. He was cool at first, but now, he's just like the others. Needy and boring. I swear he just wants to sleep with me. sigh..."

"S-sleep with you?!" What? I've never talked about stuff like this before...

"Why do you seem so shocked? I thought guys were all well versed in this subject in particular. Pff! Clay, you look so funny. You should see your face." She takes a picture of my flustered face and shows it to me. "See, it's hilarious!"

"I... I..." I blushed really hard. "Please delete the picture." This is so embarrassing! I wanna jump out of the bus window.

"No, never!" She replied with a wicked smile.

"Please Karina, I..." I pleaded to no avail.

"No!", She said. "I like it very much and I want to keep it for memories. Plus you look really cute on it so I won't erase it. Maybe I'll even put it as my wallpaper for a while." She grinned at the idea.

"N-no. You just said you had a boyfriend, he'll get mad at me when he finds out." I was fearing the worst.

"Then I'll break up with him." Huh?

"I already don't like him, I might as well." What?

"Plus if that means I can't see you then it's not worth even saying "Hi" to him."

"Wait what?"

"Huh? Oh it's our stop. Let's go Clay." She's confusing me.

Personally I don't quite understand her motives or even why she's showing me all this attention. All the things that she says could bring someone to think things that aren't true.

...Cute, huh...

The conversation kept flowing as we reached the restaurant. She also took a lot of pictures of me... I fought against it at first but soon realized that I was wasting my energy. We had fun though. I had fun. It kind of felt like a dream, like I finally made a friend and it was the person I admired. I used to think that she was out of reach but maybe I was wrong. Although I was mainly just listening to her talk, it was enjoyable. At the time I didn't care about how much it would hurt to leave her side again. To me, maybe the universe had taken pity on me, or knowing my luck, it could all just be a cruel joke.

For that whole afternoon, the world had color, I could breathe easily and I was... happy? I'm not sure. I've felt "empty" for so long that I'm not sure how I should categorize this "something".

There was something that I couldn't brush off, it was the look in her eyes. Sometimes she would say things and then look at me as if expecting a reaction. Not just when she made a joke... She had a way of talking about everything in a light, nonchalant way. You would never think of her as someone who would sneak out to eat ice cream at night and cry alone. If you think about it, that was reckless. How does she do it? She clearly has her issues, so how come she seems to be so carefree? And those eyes... What are they telling me?

This way of making everything seem okay, it made me think of him, of the time when he cared about us, about me. Before the vase was shattered.

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