Chapter 1

This morning, waking up felt like a chore. Just like the other days of the week, month, and year. I showered, brushed my teeth, and had some water.

This morning I saw her with someone new. We were heading to class and she talked to me. It was that same warm smile that was there every time. All I got was a quick, "Hi Clay!". This was a gift that everyone had access to. Her kindness seemed to have no bounds. She even managed to somehow learn all of our names. Like the sun, she didn't spare anyone from her glow.

I always sit at the back of the classroom and no one sits next to me. It's actually the only empty seat left. Everyone would rather sit next to their friend.

The teacher was talking a lot today, I wasn't paying attention but it sure was annoying to hear all this noise. I really wanted to go "home". At least it was quiet.

At lunch, food tasted like nothing as usual, and the sounds were deafening as usual. Before, I used to eat on one of the benches that nobody used, no one was there and I could eat in peace. The cloudy sky was a nice view, it gave my little mental escapades a calming background.

She... she used to cook the best meals. Reading the books she used to get me was nice too. I miss her so much.

The days that passed felt like loops of one another, like an old useless record. Although... Today, something was unusual.

It was Saturday, which is usually the day where I realize that there is nothing left in the fridge, get too lazy to buy something during the day, and end up having no other choice but to buy something at night.

Starving is and never will be pleasant, not even my procrastination can beat it. All I wanted was some food and drinks. I would get it delivered, the thing is my aunt would see it and I don't want to hear from that ghost of a caretaker.

It was dark outside. The lamp post was flickering, some guy was smoking a cigarette outside the store, quite unsettling, not out of the ordinary though. I was about to pass through the automatic door when I bumped into someone. They seemed unwell. They said "sorry" in a low, shaky voice. It was a girl, she sounded quite familiar.

I guess I was too stupid to recognize who it was.

I responded "...Okay..." in a low voice as well, which didn't matter since she had already passed me.

Weird... lately it seems like I keep thinking of her. It's like I really am trapped in an endless loop. She's not here anymore! She left me! I'm alone now. I thought that I had gotten used to it. I thought that by now I would be close to finally being free. It's all her fault... didn't she know? I can't live without her! She's my...

"Sir... Sir! Sir , it'll be 20€ and 65 cents."

Ah...Oh, no... Another instance of me making a fool of myself. The cashier must take me for a creep now. Of all the places to stare at while spacing out, did it have to be her chest? Should I apologize? No, it would just make things more awkward. I'll just pay and leave... What are the odds that the next time I come here it'll be her shift? Maybe I should just never come here again...

Embarrassed and somehow slightly traumatized by my own actions, I left the store and right there I saw her.

She was sitting there, hugging her knees on the side of the store, crying and eating ice cream at the same time. At first, I felt like it was none of my business and that I should just ignore it. But then I felt bad. It must have been because of that familiar feeling since I've never done such a thing before.

I approached her slowly, tried my best to look normal, and probably did not, but I was not planning on having a repeat of earlier, although things did not seem promising.

Since when did I have such great morals? I don't know what made me think I would be of any help. I was kind of expecting her to tell me to piss off, leave her alone, and maybe even add an insult to it. I personally would like to be left alone if I was crying. At least I could say that I tried for once.

As I got closer, the face that was previously hidden by a hoodie revealed itself. I knew her! It was the only human being that I looked forward to seeing every day. Someone that in my mind couldn't possibly be so sad.

"Karina? Is that you?" Those two questions had a clear answer and didn't need to be asked. What's wrong with me?

We love to ask dumb questions first, don't we? The serious ones always come after. That's how she used to talk to me. I would fall, get a bruise, and after clearly seeing it, she would ask, "Are you hurt?". Like seriously? As if it wasn't obvious... Then came the important questions. How did you fall? Do you need help walking? Somehow, she would always wipe my tears away without even touching them. I wish I had some of her magic. I guess I can still give it a try.

Karina looked at me with her teary eyes. She seemed miserable. I wanted to ask why she was crying, but the words just didn't come out. I was already failing. She gave signs of wanting to say something but wasn't able to. That must have frustrated her because she started to cry even more. I wasn't helping.

Like words didn't appear to be something that was going to be exchanged, I decided to just sit next to her. She looked at me puzzled, but she didn't push me away. Obviously, I was at a good distance from her. My plan wasn't to make her uncomfortable.

She cried for a while more, and I just stayed there in silence. Not sure if I was of any help. I do know, though, that sometimes, when you cry alone, you can feel lonely. Maybe I helped a bit with that.

"I'm ugly, aren't I?" Those are the first words she managed to tell me. It is true that her eyes had become a bit puffy. She also had a bit of snot coming out of her nose. Ugly, though? I doubt she's ever been close to that. She was still beautiful in my eyes. "That's not true. You're still a pretty girl... I mean, lady... no, I mean woman.". That made her laugh. I didn't know I could make her laugh.

We actually managed to talk a bit, and she told me that the reason why she was so sad was that today, this Saturday, was her little brother's death anniversary. She came to this store because that's where she used to buy him ice cream after school. I suppose that coming here must have flooded her with memories, causing a tsunami of emotions. I felt a bit out of place. To me, it was weird that she was able to be so open with me. For all intents and purposes, I was just a guy who just so happened to be in her class. A stranger is what I was.

What was even weirder is that she also lost someone. To think that me and the sun had something in common...

I didn't tell her about it, though. I hate mentioning it, and I'm sure she knows anyway. She was in my class last year, and the principal made sure to tell all my classmates for my "safety" or something. As if it would help people have more compassion for someone they barely remember existed.

We had finished talking and she got up. It was time for us to go our separate ways. She thanked me for keeping her company and left.

"Well, could you keep this a secret for me? Thanks, Clay, you're an angel. I'll definitely pay you back for your time!" That was the sweetest thing I was told in forever.

Tonight was unusual.

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