Bittersweet memories

A whole week. It's been a whole week and despite the fact I have tried to focus on something else, I even hit my head on purpose to get those stupid thoughts out but nothing's worked...and it will probably get even worse.

I stare blankly when I am interrupted by Syaoran.

"Xuě háizi, you're spilling your water on the floor."

I blink and then look down to see half of my water in a puddle on the floor.

"Ah- gahh-! I'm so stupid!"

I wipe it using my long burgundy skirt.

"You've been in your own world a lot lately, is something or someone troubling you?"

I pause and my expression goes neutral as I shake my head.

"No, I suppose you could say I'm just slightly afraid...of dying. There's...so much I want to do when I get older...and If I survive I might be able to do them... though, the chances are low. I hate this."

He listens to me in silence.

"...and if I'm being honest, I've been having the most gruesome thoughts and dreams. No matter what I do they won't go away-"

"So that's why you've been harming yourself."

I flinch. Ugh he's so perceptive...and I can tell by his expression he's unhappy.

"...well, what else am I supposed to do huh?"

I say defensively and cross my arms. Arguing is pointless if you know you're going to lose, but I'm just too stubborn and I hate losing.

"Honestly..."

I open one eye to glance at him.

"What am I going to do with you..."

He paused to think, What's up with him? He usually fights me back so he can point out the obvious so that I have to listen to him and give in.

"Close your eyes."

"What?"

He places his hand on my shoulder.

"Please"

I groan before closing my eyes slowly. At first it's all darkness and then...one of my ugly memories replay's. My mother, getting beaten and used and then... My eyes snap open and I hold back a scream.

"One minute..."

"H-Huh?"

I say in a shaky voice as Syaoran counts under his breath. I have no idea what he's on about.

"What are you doing? Why did you ask me to close my eyes?"

He looks back at me.

"Tell me one of your happy memories."

"No."

"Xuě háizi-"

"Not until you tell me what it is your scheming."

He sighs.

"I'm not scheming at all. I'm trying to help you so just... trust me please."

I don't fully understand what this help is but I know he doesn't lie, not to me at least.

"Fine, I trust you"

He smiles slightly and nods.

"My... happy memories..."

"That's right..."

I think hard, it's almost as though I've forgotten them...but how can anyone forget the wonderful moments in their life?

"There-....is one I can think of..."

He gestures for me to continue.

"My...me and my mother were making yuèbǐng (mooncakes) I was 6...and then father...he came home after 3 years of war...he told us he was going to only be there for a few days but we were so happy we didn't care as long as he was with us. We were together, I helped father with work and...we were so happy. It only lasted a week though."

He opens his eyes.

"That's bittersweet..."

I chuckle bitterly.

"It was...after that I never saw him again. We assumed he had either left us or died fighting. He had no reason to go, it had nothing to do with the small happy village we were in. Nothing. My mother said he was brave but I think he was stupid."

"I won't pity you I promise"

I look up at him and he pats my back.

"Now close off all that hatred, think only of the happy memory of you, your mother and father...and once again close your eyes."

I close my eyes again. This is hard...I see my mother being beaten again and just when I can't watch anymore it shifts. I am sitting on the wooden table in our small house, mother is hugging father and I stare at them before standing up and running over to them. I feel my father's big strong arms embrace me and it's warm. My mother follows, it's so peaceful...I feel safe and relieved...and...

Syaoran smiles softly in approval.

"Good... you're relaxing"

I smile slightly and then after a few moments I open my eyes and meet his grey ones.

"All better?"

I nod.

"You're welcome"

I pout.

"Now I really owe you don't I?"

He chuckles lightly.

"No need, I'm just glad I could help. Every time you go to bed, do the same method. I'll even help you if you need it."

"Thank you, really. I don't think I'll ever stop needing your help."

He pats my head.

"I'll be here whether you need me"

We stand up and the soldiers shout out that our break it over. Training has been nothing short of tough and painful but if we want to survive complaining is not an option. I won't let it get to me, the fear of death nor those fatal thoughts. I'll focus on living. No matter what I have to sacrifice. The days grow colder and darker and the snow is neverending. I stand in the training tent and look around.

"That's odd... where is he?"

"Xuě háizi."

I look over to see Syaoran and I smile for a split second before it drops.

"What..."

I notice an oddly nice ring on his left hand. He follows my gaze and then takes it off and shoves it in his pocket.

"It's nothing, and old trinket, nothing too important"

I don't trust that. It's an obvious lie why is he even hiding it? Is there something he's not telling me?...

"You're looking at me as if I'm something you despise Xuě háizi."

I flinch and shake my head.

"N-no it's nothing...just like that ring of yours..."

I mumble. He stares at me.

"Excuse me..."

Syaoran turns away and begins to walk out of the tent.

"H-hey where are you goi-"

" For a drink... that's all. Don't worry yourself I'll be back soon"

I blink in confusion and hesitate.

"S-sure...be safe..."

"Yes"

He smiles softly before leaving with a questionable look.

"How odd... I've never seen him so..."

I stare at my feet before shaking my head.

"No...I need to focus on training, like he said it was nothing. Nothing at all...

I pinch my arm.

"...Right...?

He walks in silence, the snow crunching under his boots. His expression is unreadable. Walking past the soldiers they didn't say a word to him either.

"I mustn't slip up like that again. I can tell..."

The memory of my expression appears back in his mind.

"It's alright... I'm sure I can."

Snow fell gently from the overcast sky, like a veil blanketing the ground in a soft layer of white. trees stood still, their naked branches dusted with frost each flake drifting lazily through the cold, crisp air. Everything felt hushed as if the world had paused beneath winter’s embrace. The silence was deep, broken only by the whisper of wind weaving through his dark hair.

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