Before He Knew My Name

📖 Sonder

Diary entry – June 17

By: Elara

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Basic facts I wish I could ignore:

I’m Elara Ji, I’m sixteen, and I have a resting leave me alone face.

My parents are strict. My older brother is worse.

I recently had my heart broken by a boy who said I was "too much and too distant," which is honestly iconic of him.

Calem Edevane is seventeen, and apparently back in town with his pretty eyes, stupidly soft smile, and unfairly good memory.

We used to live next to each other.

We never really talked.

Until now.

I’ve been writing in this notebook every night since he came back.

Not because I like him.

I just need somewhere to put this feeling I don’t have a name for.

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Today it rained.

Not the dramatic, thunderstorm kind — just that soft, almost-whisper drizzle that turns everything gray and dreamy. The kind that makes you think of old songs you don’t remember learning the words to.

And maybe that’s why I thought about it.

That day.

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✨ Flashback – 7 years ago

I was around nine, standing on our porch in socks, trying not to cry.

My mom had just scolded me for “talking back,” when all I did was ask why my brother could stay out past seven and I couldn’t even have a sleepover.

I remember blinking too fast, trying not to let the tears fall, because I hated how quiet everything felt afterward. I hated how small I felt.

That’s when I saw him.

Calem.

He was standing on his own porch — this skinny kid with messy hair and a juice box, staring at me like he saw everything.

We didn’t say anything.

Not one word.

He just stood there, then looked away slowly like he was pretending he hadn’t seen me cry.

But something about the way he looked at me…

Like he knew.

Like he understood.

I never forgot that.

And maybe he didn’t either.

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Now he’s taller. Broader.

His voice makes the air feel heavier.

But when he smiled yesterday…

I saw it.

That same look.

That same softness.

And now I’m spiraling again because... why does it feel like he’s picking up a conversation we never had?

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I saw him again this evening.

Not on purpose.

(Okay, maybe 30% on purpose.)

He was outside their gate, holding an umbrella over his sister while she tied her shoelaces.

Like a scene from a K-drama I’d roll my eyes at, except it was real.

And he looked up.

He saw me watching.

I turned away too late.

He waved.

Like it was normal.

Like we’ve always waved.

Like he hasn’t been gone for six years and didn’t just waltz back into my world and make it weirdly soft.

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I keep telling myself it’s nothing.

Just some unresolved childhood connection.

A glitch in my hormones.

A moment.

But…

Why do I remember the way he held that umbrella?

Why do I care?

And what if — what if this is something starting?

I’m not ready for that.

Right?

— Elara

(who is 100% not overthinking every single thing he does, thanks.)

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