Chapter 5

“Are you always like this?” I asked.

“Always what?” She asked back.

“Drowning.”

“Not really.”

“You look like you are always drowning.”

“Maybe.”

“I want to know.”

“Do you wanna drown too?”

“I know how to swim.”

“It does not guarantee that you’ll make it back to the shore.”

“I’ll find another way.”

“I don’t think so. Don’t bother stepping a foot into the ocean you have never watched and heard before.”

“It is for me to decide. Did anybody attempt to do that?”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“They died.”

“Drowning?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you try saving them?”

“I did.”

“And?”

“They still died.”

I watched her intently during the conversation; her expressions slightly changed. All they looked to me was remorse. The darkness surrounding her is decreasing the paths she can travel on.

I thought she was going blind.

“Are you always in darkness?”

“Is that how I looked to you?”

“I don’t know.”

For the first time, she smiled. She said she is not but she is always in pain. She said she did not want to be swallowed by darkness and lose herself. She said she bears something vast inside her that she is too afraid to show the world.

I thought she has really gone crazy with how she thinks. It is not it, is it?

“What are you thinking right now?”

“I am glad I chose to live every time.”

The way she said the words hit me.

Just how long have you stared at your own death? How many times have you seen yourself in front of death’s door? Have you tried knocking? How did you get out of it?

There is peace in her voice and I thought it is very scary.

She put her pen down and pushed aside the papers atop the low table. She took off her jacket. She covered herself with a blanket and just stared at the fireplace.

I took the spare blanket and pillows and did the same. As she continued to stare at what’s in front of her, I watched the flames dance in her eyes. We were in silence for a while.

“Tell me about yourself.” I began.

She remained silent.

“How old are you?”

“26.”

“Family?” She remained silent once more.

“Siblings?” She never spoke a word anymore.

From here I understand she is not interested in what’s above the surface. The shallow waters of a human being, she does not want that. I did not ask any further. There was silence once more.

“Back then I was not really trying to die. I am just tired. Life is boring. It does not make me excited. My family is okay. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I have a job. I am doing well but even if that is the case, I don’t feel satisfaction nor excitement.”

“What do you really want to do with your life?”

“I don’t know and maybe that is the reason why I want to die. I don’t know what to do with my life. I am only 23 but I thought I have done enough of living.”

“Maybe your attempt to die, maybe that is a start of something new, of your life again.”

“Maybe.”

I held both of her hands. Her wrists are full of scars that extend to her arms.

“How many times have you attempted to do it?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Do you want to die?”

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