5

They always make me feel that I'm always at fault. Why? When i did things they always criticize me. I want to ask them why? But because they are my parents i can't really voice out what's inside me. They always make me feel bad about what i did and what i do. Can't i decide on my own? They said i will make the child sick in the process of how make her grow up. Huh! What a funny way to say such things.

Didn't they already experience how to take care of the child? Why not let me be on my own? They can comment, i can accept that, but the way they criticize me for how i do it. I don't really understand them. When i was growing up no one tells them i will be sick the way the discipline me. Why i didn't have any kind of weird trauma that they said the child would have.

When they do it there's no problem, but when it's my turn. It became a problem. Huh. How funny. I'm not saying i don't accept criticism. I do appreciate it. But if it is too much. It's suffocating in the process. I'm not saying I'm perfect. But let me be and learn on my own in the process.

Isn't it just right to make a mistake and learn from it? I wanted so bad for the child to be independent, but i can't do it because they always say this and that about it. I just want her to have a little courage.

Maybe it's really my fault. Will they always said that i was wrong in every little thing i feel we both are at fault. I'm not complaining, i just want to voice out what inside me. Share it to someone. Though i can't tell it to anybody around me. At least i can express myself in here. Though no one is reading this. I still feel less Borden.

Back to the topic. As i was saying. Maybe it's my fault since i let the child so attached to me and so dependent to me. I just did it in the process of not letting the child feel out of place, that feeling that she doesn't belong in the family. I don't want her to feel she didn't have a family. Since she's not my own child.

I don't want her to feel insecure. Since her real mom and dad don't want her. That's maybe the reason i let her be so attached to me and be dependent. I feel like I've been wrong and at the same time i feel a bit of guilt since maybe i didn't see it but the way i treated her makes things go bad.

Am i so wrong in doing these things? I'm still trying to do my best to be the child parent. But i don't know anymore. Since they always say I'm not doing the right thing. I really feel bad.

I didn't even tell them I'm sick. Why would i even bother. They always make me feel I'm the black sheep of the family. Huh. No need to inform them. They will just show me they were sad or something. No need for the drama.

I already accepted the truth. That maybe I'll die young or not. But what concerns me right now is the child. I don't want to live her yet. I want her to be independent before anything else. I just pray that i have enough time to see her grow and be independent. She may fulfill her dreams and have a good life.

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