55. ANGER

HANA

        'There are better men, Hana. But you will remember me. Just me. I will live here. You will remember me, just me.'

       I opened my eyes with a gasp. The echo of his voice is still loud in my head. I pressed my knuckles to my eyes. Wetness coated on my skin.

       I became breathless not with the ache in my heart but with anger. I have to do something, anything to prove that he is just a phase of my life and I can easily forget him. But the more I try, the more I fail. He is engraved in my heart and skin. I stomped through my house with the newly found fury.

        'Why?' I screamed. 'Why me? What did I do?'

        In that fury, I did something I never thought I would do. When Mateo asked me again what happened in New York, I told him everything about Cillian and Violet. By the time, I completed, his eyes looked so red.

         "Son of a bitch," He muttered. "I am so sorry, Hana." He says, pulling me into a hug. I still find it uncomfortable to adjust to his touch. But it was so easy with Bash. Why? Why does it have to be like that only with him?

        "If you were in his place, would you do the same?" I asked Mateo, dreading his answer. "If I had left you at the altar...."

        "First of all, I wouldn't get ready for a marriage without asking for the bride's consent, arranged or not. Next, I wouldn't fuck around if I had a fucking fiance." He growled and I released the breath I never thought holding.

        "Thank you," I muttered, wrapping my hand around his wrist that rested on the glass window in our general ODC.

       "Why did you tell me all this now? After two months?" He asked me, concern visible in his eyes.

        I shrugged casually, taking a step back. "I want to know what I did wrong," I tell him, resisting my urge to touch my eyes with my knuckles. Because it hurts to even think about what happened. "Bash didn't intend for me to find out everything. He left ..."

         Mateo sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Hana, if a man wants, he would turn the world upside down for his girl. That's how we love. I am telling you this like a man. Don't try to reason his doings. He used you in the cruellest way and tossed you away when he was done. Your only mistake is loving him."

         I flinched at the truth in his words.

         He used you in the cruellest way and tossed you away when he was done.

         Anger stirred within me. I close my eyes, reliving the moment of our last kiss. 'You will remember me.'

         I wish I could put a dagger in his heart because that's exactly how I feel right now like was pierced in my chest. It has been two months but the wounds are still fresh. I looked at my reflection in the mirror; at the wavy curls that almost reached my waist.

       I imagined my mom's hands on my hair, 'I am doing this for your own good, Hana.' I heard her say.

       'Find someone better.' Violet whispered. 'Have fun in Istanbul.' She said, tying my hair into a bun.

       Then there was Bash, checking his phone, my head on his chest, while he caressed my hair and occasionally kissed the side of my chest as though he was doing that without his knowledge.

       My hair held so many memories. Now, I reached the end of my patience. So, I looked for a video tutorial to cut my hair at home and found a tutorial for butterfly cut. My front bangs were long grown. When I finally cut my hair at home, I felt fresh. It crossed my shoulder and reached an inch above my chest. I look good except for my under-eye darkness.

       'Soon,' I tell myself. 'I will be fine soon.'

      When I went to the office the next day, Mateo assessed my hair for five minutes with a look of approval. "I saw this coming. I thought you would ruin your hair but girl you look so good."

      I smiled at him. "I am not ruining my hair for them," I tell him. I have ruined enough of my life. I thought I could try to live my best life from now on. For two days, I woke up early, went for a run and went shopping with Mateo. I even got a to-do list to keep myself on track. But I lost it. I don't know when, but I lost my two days of schedule. I fell into the same pattern before I thought I wanted to change; Waking up and sleeping lately, unhealthy diet and procrastinating. The work environment at the office did no good to me.

       The whispers behind me subsided. But another bitch took the place of Asli. I am hardly living every day. I am hardly getting my things done. But the new senior project engineer, Erin doesn't give a fuck about it.

       She is just like Asli, if I am being honest, ten times worse than her, a fucking snake.

      And today she came to me with a request. The requests have been increasing with every passing day. She was never in her seat and somehow got her work done by the juniors.

      "Please deploy my code too." She said, "My system had some issues. IT team is checking that."

      "Then you can do it when they fixed it."

      Her eyebrows furrowed just like everyone around us did.

      "We have until EOD. I don't think they will take hours to fix the issue."

     "It's five minutes of work, Hana. We don't want to wait until the end of the day." She tried to argue.

     "That's exactly my point." I raised my voice. "It's a ten minutes of work. I can't do your every ten minutes of work. You have until the end of the day. Surely, you can get it done by then."

      I am sure I heard a gasp. I don't understand people anymore. All the juniors complained to each other when Erin gave them work and when I voiced about it, they looked like I am bitch. Even I wouldn't have raised my voice if it was any other day. Anger got the best of me. It's too late to take my words back. So I stood my ground.

       "Hana, in my voice." Came at once the sharp voice of my manager. Erin smirked and I cursed under my breath before I followed my manager.

        "Do you have to disobey her?" He asked me, accusation written on his face.

         "I didn't do anything wrong. It's her work." I protested. "She always does that. She..."

         "If you were not what you were, you wouldn't be here. You know that right?" He interrupted me.

          "And what was I?" I asked him with a pointed look.

          "Everyone knew about you and Mr. Merrick. He got you this job and we all knew why."

           Translation- You slept with him for this job and that's why you are still here.

            I laughed. I actually laughed at his face. "I was here long before I dated him." The words tasted bitter on my lips. They don't know a shit and still they run their mouth however they wanted without considering other's feelings. When did the world become this ugly?

            "Yes, Mr. Merrick hired me. Because you were unable to catch the guy who is selling out the information. And I did."

            I could see his face becoming pale. Before he opened his mouth, I asked him to detag me from the project.

            "That's a stupid decision, Hana. The recession is going on. You will not get another project that pays this well."

            I know that. I know I will regret this decision when my credit call bill is generated this month. But I want out. I want to choose my mental health above everything. I don't want Bash's shadow on me more than I already have.

           My manager was actually dumbfounded at my decision. Shalini is on long leave. Apart from Erin, I am the SPOC for fraud analytics and somewhere in his conscious, he knows what a bitch Erin can be. I didn't give him another chance to talk. I walked out. I know what everyone will think now; that I was thrown out. I don't have the energy to correct them anyway.

       Dafne, my former project manager is happy to take me under her wing once again. Mateo is on cloud nine. But the pay is less than what I get at Nimbus. One step back in career, several steps back in life. My anger is ruling me now.

        I settled into my old job just fine. But I am constantly angry, angry at myself, at people who betrayed me, at people who made sounds around me, at people who wouldn't stop talking, at the ringtone of a mobile, at the blare of a vehicle, at everything. I felt like an old woman. December. It has been three months.

         The sky is usually gray and it rarely exceeds 10°C. Everyone wants to explore Topkai Palace and Hagia Sophia. There are too many memories. But I curled up on my bed, wishing it was some green-eyed monster that was holding me and not the cold comforter. My doorbell rang making me groan. Mateo won't leave me alone. I told him I didn't want to see the fireworks. But he can be a stubborn kid.

         When I opened the door, I was taken by surprise by the Shalini's presence. She was soaking wet, a two huge trolleys rested on the floor beside her. She was trembling as the water dripped from her clothes. It rains a lot in December.

          When my gaze met her eyes, tears brimmed in them. "I am sorry," She said, wrapping her hands around her body. "I don't know where to go. I promise I will leave by tomorrow morning."

          "Shut up," I said and rushed her into the house while pulling the trolleys. She spent an hour in the shower while I made dinner for both of us.

           Like I had expected before Mateo barged into my house to take me to the fireworks. Like me, he was surprised to see Shalini here. We exchanged confused looks while Shalini walked into my living room without drying her hair.

            "What are you doing here?" Mateo asked, confused.

            I tried to stop him but all my attempts became futile as he sat beside Shalini on the couch and looked for the temperature of her body.

            "You wanna eat something?" I asked her. She looks so pale. She lost weight. In my mind, I am already going to her hometown and killing that Akash guy.

           I handed her a cup of coffee which she took with her delicate fingers.

           "What about the wedding?" Mateo asked her.

           Shalini gave a sad smile, not meeting our gaze. "It got cancelled."

           Rage gripped me once again. "Why? What happened? Did he do anything?"

           Shalini shook her head. "Our horoscope didn't match. So Akash's mom thought I would bring bad luck to her son."

            My eyes widened in shock. "What? People like her exist?"

            Shalini laughed bitterly. "That's not all. I am pregnant with Akash's child."

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