54. DENIAL

HANA

         It really feels like a goodbye now. I am in denial. I am still looking towards the airport terminal gate as though he would magically appear from it if I look hard enough and say that this is all a joke. I waited for seven hours here, and when the final announcement for the departure of my flight was given, I knew, it was over. I don't want to believe it. But it's over.

      I didn't remember how I reached Istanbul or in what state I was. I slept through an entire day. When I woke up, I packed everything that reminded me of Bash, the dresses I wore on our dates, his shirt which had been my nightwear for three weeks before I took the dumbest decision of my life, the backpack I took to New York, the cups he bought, the shoes he gifted and the bedsheets, pillow covers, skincare products I applied on his face, everything I packed and hid it in a cupboard except for my body. It's the biggest reminder of him. I don't know how to get out of this body.

       Then I started deep cleaning and tried hard not to think about the things that happened. If I don't acknowledge my pain, maybe it will cease to exist. Mateo and Shalini are constantly texting in the group. I couldn't face them. I am too ashamed to tell them what happened. A part of me knows that it's not my fault. But still, I can't help but feel embarrassed. I could only imagine Michael's look on his face when he said, "You didn't know how Cillian looked before your wedding?"

           Yes. I am the dumbest creature on the planet earth. I shook those thoughts away. No, I won't think about it again. So I kept myself busy with random things.

           "Yo, bitches. Please tell me that you got your men wrapped around your fingers. I really started to feel sorry for them." Came Mateo's text.

           "Oh, I did, alright." Shalini texted back with a winking emoji.

            A pang of jealousy and enviousness hit me. We went to our respective destinations with one goal- The man or the closure to move. I got nothing but heartbreak. I switched off the mobile, not wanting to hear more questions from Mateo. At least Shalini is happy. I switched on my phone again. I don't want Shalini to worry about me. Already there are a few texts from my friends in the group asking for me and a missed video call.

             "I got the closure I needed." I typed and switched it off. I know they will want to know more.

           'Next time,' I whispered to myself. I didn't know when the next time would be. But I will be able to speak about it if I don't think about it now. It's not that easy. Two days passed, and it's hard not to acknowledge my pain anymore. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see him, hovering over me.

          "I love you so fucking much, Bee."

           Those words pulled me out of the sleep. I am back to my life again. This time, my nightmares increased. There is no difference except for an ache in my chest.

           Two days passed, and the weekend had appeared. I might have avoided my friends for now. But once Sunday is over, I will have to go to the office. I have fucking bills to pay. Mateo will find me. What will I tell him? Do I have answers to his questions?

            My doorbell rang, and my heart skipped a beat. Until a month ago, every time my doorbell rang, it was Bash. I know that wouldn't be the case now. But my stupid heart hoped for it anyway. Snap out of it, I commanded it. He is engaged to someone else now, and that someone is my sister who has always loved him.

             I opened the door, and Mateo stood still, an inch taller than me in a doorway with a pointed look. Before I said anything, he walked past me and settled on the couch.

          "Mateo, not now."

           He raised his head, looking at me. "When did you come?"

           I looked away, crossing my hands across my chest. "How did you know that I am here?"

            "I was passing by and saw the light in your bedroom. But that's not what matters now. You said you found your closure and went offline. What does that supposed to be mean?" He asked me as if he was offended that I switched off my phone.

            I shrugged, trying to be casual. "I got what I wanted."

            He sighed and leaned his back against my couch. "Did you eat?" He asked me, and that one sentence caused my eyes to brim with tears.

            I nodded my head as I tried to hold his gaze. But my vision got blurred. He got up, and reached to me, wrapping his hands around my neck.

            "It's okay," He says even though he doesn't know anything. "Break-up hurts. But you will be fine in no time."

             I wish I could be. But this time, the wound cut deeper, especially from the two persons I loved. He rubbed my hand as I shed a few tears on his black leather jacket while he held me tight.

             "You wanna talk about what happened?" He asked me.

            I shook my head, pulling back as he handed me a kerchief.

            "You can say it," I told him, sniffling into the kerchief.

            "Say what?" He asked me.

            "I told you so," I answered quietly.

            He shook his head. The realisation filled his gaze. He always thought something was off with Bash while Shalini and I stayed optimistic.

         "As much as tried to warn you, Hana, I really wished it wasn't the case. I wished Bash was the one for you."

          'Don't say his name.' I want to scream. It hurts. It fucking hurts to hear his name.

           He didn't ask many questions which is so unlike him.

           "That glitter in your eyes adds sparkle to my life," He says, giving me a cheesy grin. I hit him on his biceps as a choked laugh escaped from my mouth. I leaned my shoulder against the wall as he took a step back. Junior Mateo has grown up.

         "That glitter is a result of unshed tears," I told him.

          "You are beautiful when you cry. Do you have a band-aid?" He asked me seriously.

          I pushed myself off the wall. "Why? What happened?" I asked, looking for any visible wounds on his body.

          "I scraped my knees falling for you."

          I hit him again while he laughed. "Cheer up," He says, just like Michael did. "We will have to get ready for Shalini's wedding." This time I truly smiled and was genuinely happy for her. But a part of me couldn't accept Akash.

         "Please don't say anything to Shalini. I don't want to ruin her wedding mood."

           He nodded his head in agreement. "Then you should call her. She is so worried." I nod my head.

             Mateo ordered pizza, and he didn't leave me until I completed mine.

            When he left, my smile dropped, and I stared at the ceiling, leaning my head against the couch. I stretched my legs on the carpet and simply stared. The voices inside my head started speaking again.

                                                         *

            I started to grow impatient with every passing second. I don't know how it happened. But everyone knew that I was with the former Bash. No one thought that we dated. They thought I spread his legs for him because he is rich, and I am not.

            I started to zone out especially when I was working. It is hard to maintain focus. Mateo tried to make me talk and involve me when he was going out but I didn't have the energy to step out. I want to curl up in my room and read whatever books Shalini downloaded on my Kindle. I couldn't even watch any dramas I used to watch. I am losing it. Every second feels like an hour. But somehow days passed quickly.

          How does that happen? A second is too long, and a month is too short?

          It became hard to fake a smile even when it was with Mateo. It became hard to listen to my colleagues while they shared about mundane things. I am suddenly envious of them. How are they doing it? How are they leading a life so happily and easily while I am struggling so hard to survive a day? When they complained about every little thing, I was only frustrated.

        I don't feel like I fit among them.

        "Enough," Mateo snapped one day at the cafeteria. "Tell me what happened in New York that you have become you like this?"

         I looked at him in confusion. I still don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to believe that it happened. "What did I become?" I asked him, dropping my spoon.

          "Someone I never knew," He says silently. "When you came back, you made it seem like it's not a big issue. I thought you would move on. But do you have any idea how you look?"

           "How do I look?" I whispered, touching my face.

            He held his hips as he sighed. "I am not talking about your physical appearance. When you first came here, you used to be angry all the time. At least there is one emotion that kept you going. But now, you are blank, Hana. You are zoning out a lot. You don't pay attention. You are not using your mobile either. You don't do the skin care anymore. You are just...," He dropped his head as though he wanted to feign control. He took a deep breath and looked at me again.

            "You don't look well, Hana. You don't like you are alive. You are just blank, shallow like your gaze. You used to be more than this."

            A tear slipped without my knowledge. I felt it on my wrist.

            "It has been a month." He says in a low tone. "What happened there?"

           A month? They might have already got married. If they are happy why do I have to be like this? What's happening to me? How do I build myself back? How do I fill this void inside me? Where do I start?

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