52. REVELATION

HANA

       Someone held my wrist and dragged me away from the crowd to a secluded place. I am still looking at the person I loved, whom my sister called Cillian through the large French windows. He gave a polite smile to Lilly, my sister's best friend. His smile was so animated or that's what I thought.

       I sensed large hands, wrapping around my shoulder, and I immediately jerked away.

       "Hana, it's me," Ahmet said, removing his white mask.

       Relief flooded through my body. "Ahmet," I whispered.

       "What are you doing here?" He asked me, concern visible on his face which is odd because he never showed emotions in the months I have known him.

      "I..." My throat clogged, expecting the worst but I forced my words out. "I came for Bash," I tell him.

       He opened his mouth to say something but shut it immediately as though he wanted more reasons for my presence here, and somehow he managed to guess them in less than five seconds.

       "You should leave," He says, rubbing the nape of his neck. "It's not a good time."

       "I could see that," I murmured, looking out of the window. "But I don't understand why my sister was calling him Cillian. The guard said there was a Cillian Sebastian Merrick and a Sebastian Merrick. I was so sure, the Bash I know is Sebastian Merrick, and my ex-fiance is Cillian Merrick. But I am confused now."

        "Bash is your ex-fiance, Hana," Ahmet said calmly as if that very truth didn't suck the oxygen out of my lungs.

        "No," I denied. "I saw my fiance, I mean my ex-fiance when I was in Ankara. I kicked him for touching me. He is Cillian. My Bash is his cousin." I told this myself rather than to Ahmet just so I could believe it for myself if I said that loud enough.

     For the first time since I had known him, I saw pity in Ahmet's eyes as he stared at him.

      "It's not my story to tell, Hana. But Bash was the person you left at the altar. He was the person you were supposed to marry."

        Two sentences, and I felt a knot in my stomach. I couldn't breathe and couldn't think straight. It's all a game.

       "The two cousins have the same name, Sebastian. Your fiance was Cillian Sebastian Merrick, whom people call Bash or Cillian. Mostly Cillian. And the person you met in Ankara was your ex-fiance's cousin, Sebastian Merrick." Ahmet explained. I couldn't wrap my head around these facts. It was so confusing because I didn't want to see the truth.

        "Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked him.

       He nodded his head towards the window, "I work for him, Hana." He tells me.

      Translation- I don't owe you any truth. You are nothing to me.

      I never saw my ex-fiance. I never knew how he looked other than the photos of him and his cousin on the internet. When Bash met me and introduced himself as Cillian's cousin, I believed him. He disguised himself as his cousin without actually hiding anything from the world because his middle name was Sebastian.

         "But in Ankara, when I saw Cillian, I meant Sebastian, why did he act like my fiance? He called me his fiance."

         "Because he is a piece of shit. He likes to play games with anything Bash likes. Bash warned him not to reveal his identity to you if you guys met by any chance."

       I still remember Sebastian's words from last time. 'Your secrets are safe with me, brother.' He said to Bash. 'You have no idea what he is capable of, princess. One day, he will break your heart, and you will come to me.' He told me.

     So this is Bash's secret. This is the secret I wanted to ask him but never did because I have been blinded by love.

      "Is this revenge?" I asked Ahmet. "For leaving him at the altar? For running away from the wedding? For costing him his reputation?"

       I still remember the day when I first met him in Istanbul. Hate was visible in his eyes. I remember how he hated me for running away like that. Things changed when he saw his mother's chain on my neck when he found out I was the girl who helped him years ago. I thought everything that happened since then was fate when it was a lie, a well-planned game, and I fell into the trap.

       "You guys broke up, anyway. It's best if you go back." Ahmet suggested with an unusual gentleness added to his tone.

        "Did we break up?" I asked myself. We are bound to break up. I knew that from the very beginning. But it breaks my heart too.

        "I thought he loved me," I murmured, sitting on the leather couch. "I thought I....."

        My words struck in my throat. Why did I think? That I could have a chance with his? That I could have a future with him when I knew that he hid many things from me?

        "Can I talk to him?" I asked him, my voice came out thickly. I couldn't speak. I couldn't speak without wanting to cry.

         "I don't think it's a good idea," Ahemt. I don't think either. But I will get my closure. I needed this.

          "Please," I begged. "Just once," I asked him, feeling my throat close up as tears threatened to fall. "I want to...."

          The sound of footsteps got my attention. They grew closer and my body stiffened with anticipation. I knew who it was just by the sound. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Bash, standing at the door, his phone at his ear, his eyes staring at me blankly.

           Even after the revelation of facts, a part of me wants to be in his arms, feel his warmth and hold him tight. It's hard not to touch him when we are in the same room.

           "Cillian," I whispered, and he shoved his phone into the pant's pocket and looked at me with a stoic expression. All I could think about was how he winked at me in the room full of people who were unaware that his hands were sliding up my thighs.

           He is not the same person.

          He gestured for Ahmet to go out. Ahmet gave me a long pity look before he walked out. The look killed me. That's exactly how my aunt looked after Leo molested me.

          "What are you doing here?" He questioned, his voice cold and distant.

          I missed. I came to you. I wanted to be with you. I love you. I wanted to know if we have a chance. I will do anything to make this happen if you just say the word. And if there is nothing I can do, I want to kiss you goodbye.

           But I didn't say all these things to him. I pulled the sleeves of my sweater to my fingers.

           "Why did you do that?" I ask him. "Why?" I hate how I sounded fragile. I hate how I can't raise my voice.

           He took a step forward. "Why not? You left me at the altar."

           "So it's a revenge?" I asked him, looking down. I can't see his face and talk. I don't want to believe the truth in his eyes. It hurts. "You pretend like you...lo...loved me. You didn't know if I would fall for you or not."

           "You wouldn't be here if you haven't," He says with that same distant cold voice.

           "I don't understand." I touched my temple, pushing my front bangs away from my face. "So when you laid me off, you want to punish me for running away. Didn't you? But when you saw my chain, you changed your punishment?"

           Bash shook his head as he sat on the couch. "Hana, we had a good time. It would have been good if you hadn't come here. We had fun."

           "Why?" I asked him again. "Why are you marrying my sister? I did the work you gave me. I found the culprit. You are supposed to stop the marriage. Why would you punish her for something I did? Please let her go."

             He abruptly got up and walked towards me, turning me towards the window. I felt warm with our proximity despite the ache in my heart. He leaned closer to my ear.

           "Look at her, Hana. Does that look like a punishment to you?" He asked me.

           I looked at Violet giggling along with her friends. I have never seen her happier before.

           "She doesn't want this marriage. She wants to become a model. She wants freedom." I couldn't even say those words confidently because Violet looks so happy as though her dream is coming true. Is that why she avoided me?

          "Come to your senses, Hana. She helped you so that she could take your place. You fell for a guy you left at the altar. There is nothing here for you, Hana. Leave."

            A sob erupted from my mouth which I quickly managed to control. "That's not true," I whispered to myself. "Why would you do that to me?"

            "I wanted to know you," He said.

            He said the same when he offered me the job. But the same sentence now held a different meaning. "I wanted to know the girl who left me, the girl who chose a pathetic life, leaving all the luxuries, the girl who wanted to die and the girl who killed. I..I was just momentarily taking an interest, Hana. There's nothing more."

            "And when you said you loved me?"

            "I wanted to see if you could love or not."

            He was so unfazed by my presence or my tears. Everything is a lie. I am an experiment, an object he took an interest in until he lost it. He did everything to satisfy his ego.

            "You are engaged to my sister all through the time you have been with me?" I asked him, tears dwelling in my ears.

             "Yes and no." He says.

              Maybe he postponed it when he was making the deal with me. But it doesn't change the fact that he was with my sister during the time he was with me. That broke me more. The hole in me increased for an entirely different reason.

             "How could you?"

             "Hana, it's.." He licked his lips before he looked at me. There's no softness or no warmth. "Hana, worry about yourself now. Your sister played you, and so did I. I did you a favour when I left. It was ended a month ago. I gave you happy memories, Hana."

            I nod my head. "I am the fool who couldn't see it," I murmured. When I looked out of the window again, I couldn't find my sister again.

            "What the fuck are you doing here?" I heard her say, standing at the door.

            "I will give you guys, privacy," Bash said and left me with Violet.

            Just like that, we are over.

            "Why did you lie to me?" I asked her. "If you had told me that you want to get married to Bas.."I close my eyes as a tear slips out of my eye, "If you wanted Cillian, I would have talked to Dad."

            "But you never did. You left us to his wrath."

             "You helped me leave this city, Violet."

            "That's not my fault," She says. "You don't want that marriage, and I took advantage of it."

           "You don't need to lie to me for that, Violet."

           "I need to make sure that you don't come back."

           How did I miss that loathe in the way she looked at me? How did I trust her when she said she cared for me?

           "So, it's a lie. Everything you said is a lie."

           Violet gave me an annoyed look. "I am sorry. If that's what you want to fear. I said what I said to get you away from here. I wanted to be rich, Hana. I don't want to end up on the streets when Dad goes bankrupt. I wanted to live, Hana."

           "I understand. I don't judge you for that. All I am trying to say is you don't have to act for that. You could have asked."

            Especially, she doesn't have to bring out the assault that happened and act like you cared, and give me hope of friendship and sisterhood.

          "Don't look at me like you are the victim just because something happened years ago, and think that we owe you a damn thing. We don't. Don't expect us to be sorry for you for your whole goddam life." She yelled.

          I am not acting like a victim. I was a victim. I am. But Violet and Bash's words somehow make me feel like it is all my fault that this happened to me. I have been a fool. I have been stupid, ignorant and emotional.

        I watched my mom, rushing into the room and closing the door behind her. I can tell she puts a lot of effort into her dress and make-up. But all I could see was the venom in her eyes.

         "What are you doing here?" She asked me with wide eyes.

         "You will not get what you threw away, Hana. Leave before someone sees you. We are finally happy." I heard my mom say.

        For them, I am a girl who ran away from home and came back home after learning a lesson. They would laugh at my face if I said, I was ready to leave everything behind to be with the person I loved. Even the old me would laugh at my face.

       "I will leave," I tell them. "But tell me one thing. Have you ever loved me, Mom?"

        She touched her temples as though the sound of my voice gave her a headache.

         "You are good for nothing, Hana. All you do is create chaos. Then and now. Always."

         I nod my head, wondering when I did that. Is that when I was raped, is that when I was eleven and desperate for my parents' attention, is that when I stitched my hymen back as though it was nothing, is that when I ran away from my marriage because I was scared that the past would repeat or is that when I fell in love? What about the chaos inside me? Why did they never choose me? Why did no one choose me, Mom, Violet and Bash? No one.

       "Advance happy married life, Violet." I wished her well and walked out before my mom said, "Don't let your father see you. I want this party to end peacefully."

       I nod my head. "Of course."

       There is nothing here for me, no one.

        When I headed out, Bash was leaning on the wall and watching me with his beautiful green eyes. This sight will haunt me forever.

        "Stop texting your sister, Hana. You should have taken a hint when she didn't reply. And stop calling Ahmet or me." He says coolly.

        Now I am just a burden. The weight of the shoes I bought for Violet suddenly felt heavy in my backpack. I guess I can't be more pathetic than I am now.

       "Is she calling you?" Violet asked him, coming from behind.

       "Have some shame, Hana." My mother hissed. "You threw this away. And now you want to get back. What do you even want, money?"

        I looked at Bash who was staring at me blankly. "I didn't call him. I tried to reach a person called, Bash."

         He is a lie, an illusion.

         Violet huffed. "He is my man now, Hana. You should back off."

         I nod my head, "And Violet. I never expected any of you to be sorry for me. I expected my family to be there like I thought you did. There is a difference."

         "Cupcake?"

         I froze at that voice. Tears filled my eyes when I saw Micheal stand at the stairs. "What are you doing here?" He asked me.

         Just like in old times, he was standing in front of me while I was falling apart. I touched my eyes with my knuckles, trying hard not to cry.

         "I need a lift," I said to him.

         "Sure," He says and walks to me, taking my backpack. But I still felt the weight. I could hear the footsteps of Bash growing distant. They are leaving. I held the maple leaf locket on my chest. I don't need a reminder to live now. This pain will be a constant reminder.

         "Give me a minute," I said to Micheal and stomped to the garden area where the party was held.

          Bash and Violet are greeting everyone, standing together. Violet scowled when she saw me walking towards her. Even Bash's jaw tightened at the sight of me.

         I removed the chain around my neck and threw it at Bash's face. He didn't even flinch when I did that. Everyone around them gasped. Soon, they started to whisper.

        I am sure they will talk about the bride who left and came back to throw a tantrum. They will sympathise with Violet. But I don't care anymore.

        "By the way, Violet, Bash is a good lay. But there are better men."

         Her eyes grew wider, shock filled her face so did my mom's.

         This isn't directed at Violet but at Bash. I turned around and stomped back, but strong hands dragged me by my waist into the room I didn't know. Before I get to look at the surroundings, Bash pinned me to the wall and crashed his lips on mine.

       I struggled hard to push him away, but I failed. It's too overwhelming, the touch, the kiss, the closeness and his breath.

       "The fuck, Bash." I cursed, trying hard to hit him on his chest. But he held my hands in his one big hand, pinning them against the wall above my head as he kissed me hard. I still remember his taste, his smell and his voice. They are living rent-free inside my mind.

       By the time, he pulled back, I had my lips parted, eyes closed, and my heart thudding.

        He caressed my bottom lips with his thumb. "There are better men, Hana. But you will remember me. Just me. I will live here." He says, pointing to my heart. He moved closer, his body grazing against mine. "You will remember me, just me." He cupped my face, his lips slightly grazing mine. "You can never forget the guy you gave an orgasm. Can you?"

         That's when I lost it. That's when I cried. That's when I slapped him.

         "You are so cruel. You could never be xavier" I cried. If Bash is affected by what I said, he didn't show it except for the tightness in his jaw. "I can never forget the person I loved, Cillian. Because I will be hating him for every second of my life."

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