Hikaru #2

I felt so ashamed, sitting here on the couch, Shinva playing doctor. I was supposed to be filming and recording, doing my job. But it wouldn't matter how much I begged and pleaded, Shinva would not let me work for any reason. So here I was, just scrolling through movies I could watch. I had thrown up only yesterday, but it felt like a lifetime. I was ready to be back, even though my stomach was still clenching, and I trembled when I tried to stand up. Shinva came in with a bowl of warm chicken soup, pulled the blankets up over my shoulders, and sat down in a chair. I started a movie, we watched it about halfway through when Shinva’s phone dinged. She looked at it, before stopping the movie to get my attention.

“They are coming over. The other band members. Right now.” she informed me, now frantically fixing stuff, dusting the house. I was in a t-shirt and jeans, so I thought I would be okay. I tossed the blankets aside and sat upright, putting the bowl of soup down on the side table. Makoto, Yukio and Kaoru entered the house, seeing me on the couch, they walked over.

“Hi, guys.” I said normally, and tried to stand up, but I was trembling too much, and my stomach clenched again.

“Ah.” I groaned, dropping myself back onto the couch. I inhaled sharply, but tried to hide my pain with a smile.

“Come to take me back to work?” I asked jokingly, although I wasn't really joking. Makoto sat next to me, apparently not noticing my pain. That was good.

“Well, not exactly. We just came to see how you're doing.” Makoto said, completely not worried.

“And see if maybe one of us could… take over for a bit?” Yukio asked, looking hopefully at Shinva. Shinva gave a hard

“NO!” and turned away, obviously annoyed that They weren't all concerned. Yukio seemed confused, and went to ask why she was angry. I spoke to them, somewhat convincingly.

“I’m really good. Might be able to come back tomorrow.” Shinva broke from her conversation with Yukio for a second to repeat

“NO!” She snapped right back to the conversation. Makoto was jostling the couch a lot, I didn't like it, but I knew better than to tell him it was bothering me.

“No really, I'm good.” I pushed, but it was Kaoru who spoke up after this. His expression seemed frustrated, and hesitant, accusing too.

“Then why can't you even stand up?” he asked abruptly. Makoto looked at him.

“What do you mean? He said he’s fine.”

“No, if he was fine, he wouldn't act like this. Look at him! His arm is closed tightly around his stomach, his face is pale, he’s trembling slightly, and he can't even stand up!” Kaoru listed. Makoto looked at me, noticed all these things, and his expression changed. I smiled, trying to distract them. When they wouldnt be distracted, I curled up into a ball and put my head on my knees, wanting to disappear. This was all true. Little tears were forming in my eyes, but I tried to blink them away. I started trembling even more now, my breathing getting increasingly shaky. Yukio and Shinva rushed over, and Kaoru somehow knew what was happening. He pushed everybody out of the way, held my hand, and started talking to me.

“Look at me. Good. Now, I want you to list your favorite coffee drinks.” He told me. I began to, not knowing why he was doing this, but I did.

“I like, I like vanilla lattes. And sometimes I get hot chocolate, because I don't like a lot of caffeine.” I answered. Kaoru went on.

“What’s your favorite pastry?” He asked me.

“Eclairs.” The word came out of my mouth before I could think. I noticed my breathing was going back to normal, and I was only trembling a little bit.

“Good. Now, take a few deep breaths.” he instructed. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, until I wasn't trembling at all. Makoto shot a puzzled look at Kaoru.

“He was having a panic attack. After last time, I looked up his symptoms, and did some research, and figured out how to stop it.”  Kaoru explained. I gave him a grateful smile, and the others still looked concerned. This was quite a shock to me too. I was having panic attacks? This made sense, of course. I was really stressed both of the times. I could recall a few times that the same thing happened, but it was more mild. I knew the cause of all this. I had discovered something big, something that would change my life forever. I couldn't ask the question I needed to ask. My thoughts were interrupted by Yukio forcing me into a lying position. He pulled the blankets onto me, and Shinva handed me my soup. Makoto started talking.

“Listen, we just finished doing a music video. Tatsunori might not like it, but all of us are going to stay here with you. Actually, we’ll go to my house. It's more comfy.” I started to object, but Kaoru stopped me.

“It doesn't matter what you say, we are going to do exactly what Makoto said, no less. I also need to talk to you about something. I would rather it be alone.” I was shocked. Does he know? I just stared at him for five minutes, while eating my soup. He eventually walked away, but I was still in shock, frantically asking myself and judging myself, why couldn't I have just not noticed?

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